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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is absolutely unacceptable?

186 replies

Marvwell · 15/03/2023 08:50

When I was 16 and just coming up to my GCSE exams - or actually more or less in the middle of them - I remember being in the living room of our house - my dad was there too - it was in the daytime - weekday I think - and not a celebration of any kind - and my mum was absolutely hammered in a way that's embarrassing to everyone else if there's no obvious drinking context and everyone else is still sober. My dad was there and said upon witnessing this embarrassing behaviour - when you've got a good job like your mother, you're allowed to behave like that. Just for context my mum did have a high status senior management position.

AIBU to think my mum's behaviour was totally unacceptable when there's a child of 16 in the house and my Dad was totally unreasonable for enabling/trying to condone it?

OP posts:
CandlelightGlow · 15/03/2023 13:22

Sorry hadn't RTFT before posting

CandlelightGlow · 15/03/2023 13:24

Marvwell · 15/03/2023 09:41

Protect me - and reinforce the idea that you shouldn't have to put up with this treatment in relationships

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You shouldn't be posting on Mumsnet and you especially shouldn't be posting in AIBU. These kind of ridiculous responses are inevitable here. Of course you shouldn't feel guilty for acknowledging that as a child you would have preferred to be protected from a household with unaddressed and untreated substance abuse issues!!

Good lord.

Tempone · 15/03/2023 13:26

This has been.posted before almost word for word

JudgeRudy · 15/03/2023 13:28

Marvwell · 15/03/2023 08:50

When I was 16 and just coming up to my GCSE exams - or actually more or less in the middle of them - I remember being in the living room of our house - my dad was there too - it was in the daytime - weekday I think - and not a celebration of any kind - and my mum was absolutely hammered in a way that's embarrassing to everyone else if there's no obvious drinking context and everyone else is still sober. My dad was there and said upon witnessing this embarrassing behaviour - when you've got a good job like your mother, you're allowed to behave like that. Just for context my mum did have a high status senior management position.

AIBU to think my mum's behaviour was totally unacceptable when there's a child of 16 in the house and my Dad was totally unreasonable for enabling/trying to condone it?

Yes, that was poor parenting. I doubt your dad was trying to say it's OK to inebriated, I'd guess it was his clumsy way of trying to minimise things to 'protect' you. As a one off ld guess there was a reason. It's unlikely you got to 16 without noticing your mother had an alcohol problem.
Have you every spoken to your parents? What did they say? I'm also curious as to what's prompted this memory and the need to discuss

Solonge · 15/03/2023 13:39

Marvwell · 15/03/2023 09:52

I agree with your general view that chlldren in recent years have been infantilised far too long

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They put five year olds up chimneys once, so what? 16 is classified as a minor. At 16 you are in the protection of your parents or guardians, the keyword is protection. My mother was also an alcoholic, my dad was tee total. Its horrible and scarring to see parents incapably drunk whether you are 6 or 16. It made me tee total seeing a parent behave that way. Your father might have been terrified of losing her if he tried to stop her drinking. I came to terms with my mothers drinking, my fathers womanising was the cause. I ended up feeling deeply sorry for her. You aren't your mum. We sometimes learn things from our parents they werent even trying to teach us.

RabitWhole · 15/03/2023 13:42

Lackersknackers · 15/03/2023 13:12

Why point out what loads of others have already pointed out? Just kicking someone when they’re down for the sake of it or to make yourself feel superior.

Maybe next time be constructive and supportive instead of just rude?

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Okay thanks for your in-put. Not being any more rude than any one else on this thread, pointing out that its been posted about before and might not be genuine. If this is genuine then there are a lot of helpful replies up thread which hopefully the OP can use in real life and I hope she gets the support she needs. Cheerio.

Lackersknackers · 15/03/2023 13:45

RabitWhole · 15/03/2023 13:42

Okay thanks for your in-put. Not being any more rude than any one else on this thread, pointing out that its been posted about before and might not be genuine. If this is genuine then there are a lot of helpful replies up thread which hopefully the OP can use in real life and I hope she gets the support she needs. Cheerio.

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Just because other people are rude doesn’t mean you have to out the boot in too. What a horrible mob mentality you have. As long as the OP can waste her time reading through the nasty responses she’ll get some useful advice eh? Hmm quite. Cheerio.

Travelationjubilation · 15/03/2023 13:48

You’ve posted this before and got similar answers.

Crunchymum · 15/03/2023 13:52

Did you post about this recently?

It was a different (one off) incident that led to very similar replies.

AlienSupaStar · 15/03/2023 14:01

Marvwell · 15/03/2023 08:58

No wasn't a one off - she was frequently drunk and aggressive

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Hi OP check out adult child of alcoholics. PM me anytime. Not everyone will understand.

MindTheAbyss · 15/03/2023 14:03

Free and you’ll hear lots stories like yours: al-anonuk.org.uk Even if it’s ultimately not for you, it might be helpful to get a feeling of how people’s lives can still be affected decades later.

roarfeckingroarr · 15/03/2023 14:18

One off, when you were 16 not 6, not a big deal.

Regular event, not ok.

Dibbydoos · 15/03/2023 14:25

So just cos someone has a child they can't let their hair down. Grow up.

dumdididum · 15/03/2023 14:29

Sounds like your mother was an alcoholic and our Dad was trying to deflect/ protect you from it. She had a high powered job - does this mean she was the bread-winner and the suggestion was that the family puts up with it because she paid the bills?

Original poster
Marvwell · 15/03/2023 15:49

dumdididum · 15/03/2023 14:29

Sounds like your mother was an alcoholic and our Dad was trying to deflect/ protect you from it. She had a high powered job - does this mean she was the bread-winner and the suggestion was that the family puts up with it because she paid the bills?

No they both had equally - albeit very different - high powered jobs

OP posts:
busymomtoone · 16/03/2023 17:53

Blimey - so the drip feed is that half your lifetime ago you are nursing grievances and drip feeding that you suspect your mother had ( has?) an alcohol problem ? Sounds like you are asking for permission to get counselling / deal with this. Obviously it matters a lot to you if you are still focusing on it 15 years later ?!

Sillyname63 · 16/03/2023 18:13

Have you ever asked her or your dad if there were problems at that time, Either with work or their relationship? It's not for us to comment on how she was coping with things, alcohol is an easy thing to be addicted to as it is relatively cheap and accessible. Do you drink alcohol? Or did it put you off.

niugboo · 16/03/2023 18:16

My father was an alcoholic. There’s no scenario where I would relate his problem to one incident. People get drunk. You were 16. And she might have done it more than once but so what? It doesn’t equate to an abusive or neglectful childhood. Particularly at 16.

IF she did have a drink problem blaming it on your dad is gross. It’s a horribly complex disease.

pishkashante · 16/03/2023 18:20

YANBU. I'm teetotal and I find it really uncomfortable being around drunk people, even now when I'm in my 40s. How much worse it must be for a 16yo, when it's her parent behaving like this and the other parent just minimises it. Sorry that some people on this thread are minimising it too.

Jamesmg · 16/03/2023 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

youshouldnthaveasked · 16/03/2023 18:31

I wouldn’t have liked to have seen that, and I rarely drink in the house myself.

i don’t really think children should see their parents in such a state

BiscuitLover3678 · 16/03/2023 19:17

If the exact same behaviour was due to drugs everyone would be in uproar. Horrible normalised drinking culture. I agree op. I feel sad for your mum. So much of this was normalised back then!

Gagaandgag · 16/03/2023 19:42

smm88 · 15/03/2023 09:00

Sounds like you are holding on to anger about your childhood.

Perhaps some counselling may help

This op x

Thepossibility · 16/03/2023 19:49

Dwelling on this is not helpful to you.
Us telling you she was naughty for being a drunk won't change anything.
Parents can be flawed humans with their own pain.
My parents are alcoholics and I think I would be doing myself a disservice wasting my time thinking about all the shit they did.
Especially the shit when they were drunk, they don't even remember that!
I moved out when I was 15 so honestly I pitied them when I was 16.

steff13 · 16/03/2023 19:51

Regardless of whether that behavior was acceptable, it's still troubling you many years later. If you're unable to simply let it go then you need to talk to someone who can help you do that because ruminating on these feelings is not serving you in the present.