To think this is absolutely unacceptable?

[Marvwell]

When I was 16 and just coming up to my GCSE exams - or actually more or less in the middle of them - I remember being in the living room of our house - my dad was there too - it was in the daytime - weekday I think - and not a celebration of any kind - and my mum was absolutely hammered in a way that's embarrassing to everyone else if there's no obvious drinking context and everyone else is still sober. My dad was there and said upon witnessing this embarrassing behaviour - when you've got a good job like your mother, you're allowed to behave like that. Just for context my mum did have a high status senior management position.

AIBU to think my mum's behaviour was totally unacceptable when there's a child of 16 in the house and my Dad was totally unreasonable for enabling/trying to condone it?

I would've wanted him to leave her

that’s incredibly harsh. Why , to protect you or to punish her?

Op did you post about this before. Fixating on one episode of your mother being drunk and asking if it was unreasonable and then drip feeding that in fact she was an alcoholic? If it wasn't you it sounds remarkable similar.

So for clarity. No being an alcoholic and being regularly drunk in the day is not acceptable behaviour for anyone including a parent and it is unfortunate if that your father just tried to normalise it and didn't protect you. A drunk parent can be neglectful and abusive and it is normal for their child to grow up recognising this and feeling let down.

One off occurances of a parent getting drunk are not great but also not really traumatic for children.

I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by selecting one event and asking if it was acceptable, you already know the wider pattern of this behaviour is not.

Protect me - and reinforce the idea that you shouldn't have to put up with this treatment in relationships

It sounds like your father was desperately trying to encourage some respect for your mother, despite her shortcomings. It must have been hard for you and him. It would have been difficult for him to navigate, trying to emotionally support you both, and in this instance he got it wrong, but you were old enough to realise that nothing really excused her behaviour.

You will always get negative responses OP, if you keep posting about seemingly isolated incidents, when infact your mother was an abusive drunken parent. You need to put these incidents into context for people to understand and support you appropriately. Are you seeking professional support for what you have been through? Don't doubt yourself, are your parents minimising your experiences?

If you don’t get counselling so you stay fixated on your mum’s behaviour your whole life, you will waste your life and YABVU.

I have a brother who has done exactly this and he’s in his 50s now, so I know what I’m talking about. The rest of us got counselling and moved on.

If she was an alcoholic though it’s an illness. But you don’t seem to be saying she had vodka on her cornflakes on a daily basis. So likely there were other issues going on, stress, mental health etc . Your father would have understood more than you were ever aware of

i think going for therapy and counselling to try to come to terms with your parents behaviour would be beneficial.

Marvwell, you’re right, you should have been protected.

I think you are being unfair. Alcoholism is a pernicious addiction and not easy for either the sufferer or their immediate family to deal with. You say your parents are both dead. This means you have no means of talking to them about what they went through - what triggered the addiction (often trauma), the stresses it caused your Dad, the decisions he may have made with regards to trying to hold the family together... It might be easy to feel anger and blame them, but it won't help you come to terms with what happened. More generosity of spirit, more focus on the days when you Mum wasn't like that and more focus on your own life now and your own future would do you a lot of good.

Kindly - If it was that long ago and they are both now dead and you are still struggling to deal with it then I would suggest that you see a therapist to talk through your inability to get over it.

This is the thread I read last month:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4746287-to-ask-is-this-inappropriate-parenting-of-a-12-year-old?page=3&reply=124029918

It proceeded in a similar way to this one due to the drip-feeding.

Thank you - I agree with focusing on my own life tbh - I realise this is spot on

Jesus you were 16 not six. My gran left school and was in full time work at 14. Personally I think ‘a child of 16’ is a completely unacceptable phrasing 😂

I agree with your general view that chlldren in recent years have been infantilised far too long

What's brought this to a head now OP? Have your parents recently died, or do you have children who are reaching the age you were when this first impacted you?

Bingo!

same poster different thread

Family members often minimise alcoholism in their relatives. My in laws tried to pretend their son didn’t drink. FIL once said to me if we don’t see it, it doesn’t happen. Of course it did!
Only the drinker can change their life and I suppose it’s a sense of helplessness that makes relatives laugh it off, excuse it, pretend it’s not happening.
But alcoholism inflicts damage. I left years ago, he’s dead but the years of living with an alcoholic have left their mark on me.

No not recently died. I have one child of 5

This was the one I was thinking of too. It has to be the same poster as too many similar details - both parents dead, a ‘top professional job’.

Not sure what the OP is hoping to achieve with these drip feedy posts 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sometimes having our own children does trigger this sort of reflection. You look at them and know the sort of life you want for them and the sort of parenting they deserve, and can't help but think of your own parents and think 'how could they...?'

Grow up. If that is all you have to negatively fixate on from your childhood be thankful you had a bloody good one and get over yourself.

You don’t know if there was no context. You just weren’t told the context. Sounds like your dad knew and was understanding of it. Parents don’t often tell their kids this stuff. Unless it happened regularly (haven’t read all the lists) then yabu. Even mums are allowed a blow out and you came to no harm.

Sounds similar to a poster who was wandering out in the dark or something at a similar age and mum was drunk so didn't come looking for her or something

It is strange. OP admits herself in the previous thread she shouldn't have drip-fed. Yet here we are 3 weeks later.

No. I think you are over-reacting. Wait until you have a high-powered job and a 16 year old before you judge your mother.