To think this is absolutely unacceptable?

[Marvwell]

When I was 16 and just coming up to my GCSE exams - or actually more or less in the middle of them - I remember being in the living room of our house - my dad was there too - it was in the daytime - weekday I think - and not a celebration of any kind - and my mum was absolutely hammered in a way that's embarrassing to everyone else if there's no obvious drinking context and everyone else is still sober. My dad was there and said upon witnessing this embarrassing behaviour - when you've got a good job like your mother, you're allowed to behave like that. Just for context my mum did have a high status senior management position.

AIBU to think my mum's behaviour was totally unacceptable when there's a child of 16 in the house and my Dad was totally unreasonable for enabling/trying to condone it?

Of course it was wrong. But being married to a problem drinker is very difficult indeed, and we don't always get things right. Trying to minimise the alcoholics behaviour around the children by framing it as normal/acceptable is a common way for the non alcoholic parent to (misguidedly) attempt to protect the child. If we explain and excuse, we think we're reassuring. Obviously the right thing for your dad to have done would have been to remove you from the situation, but hind sight is 20/20, isn't it? And a lot more is known now about the impact on children than it was.
I'm sorry you were let down by your parents and hope you can get support to come to terms with that.

I can't understand the posters saying the op has posted about this before? So what? If the op wants to post about it multiple times to try to get her head round it then she can. Its not like she's harming anyone.
Obviously this is causing you upset op. I think you'll get more support on the stately homes threads. Thats about where kids were brought up in a naice home and taken to a stately home at the weekend like everything was super, when the reality was home life was pretty fucked up.
Or its basically similar. Look it up, i think its in relationships section.

And good luck

You really need some help. It was 17 years ago and they are both dead. Let it go.

I don't think it's minimising so much as people simply responding to an OP who is being at best inaccurate and at worst disingenuous in describing what has gone on.

If she stated in her OP that the event she describes is symptomatic of a cycle of behaviour by her mother throughout her early life, she would likely get very different responses. But she doesn't do this. And this isn't her first thread on the subject so you'd think she'd realise by now.

How is it weird? It’s obviously affected the OP. But yes OP don’t focus on traumatic memoirs, you weirdo 🙄

Congratulations on being several years sober I say this as someone who hasn't had drink problems but has had problems with binge eating and subsequently being obese - I know it's not the same thing - but on many levels o feel it's exactly the same thing

Well...was she constantly drunk over many years or just one or two times? Details matter in instances like this.

Why are you particularly fixed on this time? Many people witness their parents drinking at some point during childhood but most of us don't hold onto that memory so something obviously happened. Perhaps explore that rather than the actual drinking.

Sorry OP my post didn't send properly.

Try to skate past the mocking dismissals & condescension - this is AIBU, where it's sport to kick an OP when she's down. You might want to ask MNHQ to move your thread to Relationships, where PP will be more compassionate.

Children of alcoholics often experience trauma, & it's entirely normal to reach your early 30's & start questioning family dynamics & behaviour. Have you ever made contact with Al-Anon?
al-anon.org/newcomers/faq/
It's a great source of support & understanding.

What's weird about starting a thread about being the child of an alcoholic, & why are you so determined to dismiss & mock OP?

Drip drip drip

@5128gap - thank you - your explanation there is reassuring- I appreciate it

Again?

In the incident you describe I would guess your Dad was trying to minimise the situation because he thought that would be less disturbing for you than him getting upset / angry /making a big deal of it.

Although I expect there will be some drip feed about your Dad next. You have a weird and annoying way of telling a story.

What are your parents like now? Does she still suffer like this or have things improved when she no longer has a stressful job and a teenager?

Actually this is a sensible approach, I do realise

No it's not OK. Your mother wasn't in control and couldn't look after you in that state. That is disturbing to a child/teenager as they aren't independent and need caregivers they can depend on, not ones staggering around drunk. Your dad trying to minimise it was - for whatever reason - trying to make it OK.

you'll get a lot of people telling you its' fine, but it's really not.

Alcohol abuse is socially acceptable drug abuse, and many, many people have an addiction that they are in denial about, so you'll get a lot of dismissive comments on this thread but you are correct - it was unacceptable.

I think your language is a little strong, to me "absolutely unacceptable" is something that should never happen ever. A mother being drunk in front of her teenaged child a few times does not meet that bar. When I read your title I was expecting some kind of abuse.

Absolutely and utterly toe cringing the folks coming on and chastising everyone for not knowing rhe ops mum was an alkie and actually just going on what was written.

🤭

But to not bother reading OP's updates & to TWICE call her a weirdo for being affected by being raised by an alkie isn't cringeworthy behaviour Cheese?

Have you me confused with someone else? I never once called her a weirdo. Saying a thread is weird is not calling someone a weirdo

this has obviously triggered you or you’re having a bad day, I’m not your enemy.

How much looking after does a 16 year old need?

I knew I wasn’t going mad. It seems this thread is going the same as the other one went - drip drip drip.

It’s very telling that the OP hasn’t bothered to respond to anybody who’s asked whether this is a repeat post.

So, I’ll ask again @Marvwell have you posted about this before?!

Would you have wanted your Dad to leave her, give her a hiding, verbally abuse her so she knew it was wrong? The alcohol services weren't there twenty years ago. If your Dad wanted to leave, it's likely you couldn't have gone with him, so he'd have been leaving you with her. To throw her out would have meant going public. Perhaps read around growing up with an alcoholic mother and see if it helps. My parents were functioning alcoholics, I got no support/sympathy etc that other children around me got because them working full time and me being an only child, from the outside looked like we were doing well compered to my peers. It was what it was. I agree that you've got to get rid of your anger, by working through it. I've always enjoyed meditation.

I would've wanted him to leave her

And the tone policing and nitpicking over word choice and age of child is very telling... either people who 'don't have a drinking problem, can stop any time they want!' or just the usual AIBU bores. Not going to engage with them but hang in there OP.

Thank you 😊