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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is absolutely unacceptable?

186 replies

Marvwell · 15/03/2023 08:50

When I was 16 and just coming up to my GCSE exams - or actually more or less in the middle of them - I remember being in the living room of our house - my dad was there too - it was in the daytime - weekday I think - and not a celebration of any kind - and my mum was absolutely hammered in a way that's embarrassing to everyone else if there's no obvious drinking context and everyone else is still sober. My dad was there and said upon witnessing this embarrassing behaviour - when you've got a good job like your mother, you're allowed to behave like that. Just for context my mum did have a high status senior management position.

AIBU to think my mum's behaviour was totally unacceptable when there's a child of 16 in the house and my Dad was totally unreasonable for enabling/trying to condone it?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 15/03/2023 09:02

So your mum's alcoholism really affected you? I'm not sure why people are saying you should just get over that.

Original poster
Marvwell · 15/03/2023 09:02

smm88 · 15/03/2023 09:00

Sounds like you are holding on to anger about your childhood.

Perhaps some counselling may help

Yes you're spot on. I totally admit this. It's the condoning of this behaviour by my dad I felt was so wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Marvwell · 15/03/2023 09:02

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/03/2023 09:02

So your mum's alcoholism really affected you? I'm not sure why people are saying you should just get over that.

Yes it did ! Particularly as she'd say how privileged I was ... yeah right

OP posts:
Cheeseandhoney · 15/03/2023 09:03

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/03/2023 09:02

So your mum's alcoholism really affected you? I'm not sure why people are saying you should just get over that.

Well because she didn’t say she was an alcoholic. Did she now.

maybe get some counselling op, starting repeated weird threads isn’t going to sort your issues.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/03/2023 09:03

I'm getting the impression it was a fairly regular occurrence, it's just that this one incident stuck in OP's mind?

Anniegetyourgun · 15/03/2023 09:04

X-post with about half a page full, yes it was!

Keeween · 15/03/2023 09:04

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/03/2023 09:02

So your mum's alcoholism really affected you? I'm not sure why people are saying you should just get over that.

To be fair, the first couple of posts don’t paint a picture of an alcoholic, that information came later.. I, for one, cross posted with OPs drip feed further pertinent context.

Sapphire387 · 15/03/2023 09:05

YANBU if your mum was an alcoholic and you were affected by that.

YABU to post about one occasion, out of context, and then drip feed.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/03/2023 09:05

I'm not sure why everyone is being so dismissive. Your Mum clearly had issues with her drinking ( no, it is not normal or acceptable to be that drunk in the daytime, or at all) and it obviously wasn't a one -off.
Children of people who abuse alcohol suffer. We can't tell you if she was an alcoholic or not, though it sounds like she probably was, but her drinking clearly caused a problem to her family.
Even at 16, it is quite scary knowing that the adults in your life are actually not dependable, and if one or more of them is denying that anything is wrong, the child can begin to doubt their own perceptions/beliefs.
I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Tooshytoshine · 15/03/2023 09:05

I had a horrendous time at work and got home and poured a very large glass of wine then had another. My partner understood it was a (crap) coping mechanism at a moment of crisis and not indicative of a huge drink issue.

The next day I felt reset and ready to face the world again. There were no recriminations from my partner because they knew how stressful my time at work had been and that I just needed to switch off.

It's not how a saint would behave or the model of motherhood the TV sells us, but my kids were safe and separate. I am also a woman with a life that extends beyond the role of mother and although the two roles are separated, I am not two people nor do I have a convenient switch for my emotions.

Your mum sounds like she felt overwhelmed. Your dad sounds like a supportive partner. Perhaps empathy rather than judgement is the lens to see this through.

Butchyrestingface · 15/03/2023 09:06

bunnypenny · 15/03/2023 08:58

Yeah this is very familiar. Sure it was posted a few months ago.

Show quote history

Yes, I remember it.

The thing is, the OP posts about single incidents that sound like a one-off and therefore doesn’t get much sympathy and is (understandably) told to build a bridge and get over it.

Upon further questioning, OP then goes onto reveal that it wasn’t an isolated incident but symptomatic of a pattern of behaviour by her mother throughout her childhood.

Why she keeps posting in a way that suggests she’s nit-picking over isolated incidents is anyone’s guess.

Original poster
Marvwell · 15/03/2023 09:07

DelphiniumBlue · 15/03/2023 09:05

I'm not sure why everyone is being so dismissive. Your Mum clearly had issues with her drinking ( no, it is not normal or acceptable to be that drunk in the daytime, or at all) and it obviously wasn't a one -off.
Children of people who abuse alcohol suffer. We can't tell you if she was an alcoholic or not, though it sounds like she probably was, but her drinking clearly caused a problem to her family.
Even at 16, it is quite scary knowing that the adults in your life are actually not dependable, and if one or more of them is denying that anything is wrong, the child can begin to doubt their own perceptions/beliefs.
I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Thank you - you are spot on!!

OP posts:
Annoyingwurringnoise · 15/03/2023 09:07

There seem to have been a few of these threads lately. The OP outlines a one off incident that seems pretty innocuous and asks for opinions, then posters come on to say it looks like a one off so what’s the issue? And the OP then drip feeds a whole childhood of trauma.

mind you, the teachers are on strike again today so the schools are off…

silverbubbles · 15/03/2023 09:08

Sounds like it is just dawning on you that your mum was actually an alcoholic and this has affected you. You are starting to think about things that were treated as normal in your life but now realising that something else was going on. You need to find someone to talk to.

What is your mum and dad doing now?

SD1978 · 15/03/2023 09:08

Have you not recently posted something quite similar? You clearly have big issues with your mum, you didn't like her drinking. Whether you're the same poster or just very similar, you need to work through it yourself

Original poster
Marvwell · 15/03/2023 09:08

silverbubbles · 15/03/2023 09:08

Sounds like it is just dawning on you that your mum was actually an alcoholic and this has affected you. You are starting to think about things that were treated as normal in your life but now realising that something else was going on. You need to find someone to talk to.

What is your mum and dad doing now?

They're both dead

OP posts:
MumToTooManyBoys · 15/03/2023 09:10

Nope. Her life. Stop judging

Annoyingwurringnoise · 15/03/2023 09:11

Yeah, this would be 2/10 even if I hadn’t seen pretty much the same thread before.

haven’t you got online school work to do OP?

journeyofsanity · 15/03/2023 09:12

She was an alcoholic. Clearly it was unacceptable but that is what alcoholism does. She was ill. Alcoholism is an illness.

BoredBetsy · 15/03/2023 09:12

Sorry to hear that op.
It looks like you have a lot of unresolved emotions regarding them
How long ago did they die?
Can you see a counsellor?

BunniesBunniesBunnies · 15/03/2023 09:12

@Marvwell i don’t understand why people are minimising this!!! I’m sorry you frequently saw your mother drunk, it’s not okay and it’s not normal. I also come from a family of drinkers and have had alcohol issues myself. I am so relieved I no longer drink now (several years sober). Being drunk regularly in front of your kids is not okay.

Mentalpiece · 15/03/2023 09:13

It was a long time ago and now they're born dead, just move on and focus on your own life.
Nothing can change the past, however much you try so there's no point in dwelling on it.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 15/03/2023 09:14

Cheeseandhoney · 15/03/2023 09:01

No wasn't a one off - she was frequently drunk and aggressive

so why are you posting about some event when you were 16?

if you think your mother is an alcoholic then start a thread on that.

are you ok, as I’m going to have to be honest, this is weird as fuck

Christ on a bile the wilful ignorance on this thread is shocking.

OP

LemonPledge555 · 15/03/2023 09:14

FfeminyddCymraeg · 15/03/2023 08:56

Have you posted about this before? It seems very familiar.

It was a few weeks ago. Fishy.

pointythings · 15/03/2023 09:16

If it was frequent then you grew up with an alcoholic parent. That's tough. Google NACOA for help and support and look into getting some therapy.

Yelling on an internet forum about how 'unacceptable' it is won't help you. Rage and blame won't help you.