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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this man shouting at DM to smile

158 replies

sittingonacornflake · 14/03/2023 18:43

Ugh.

What would you have said in this scenario?

Walking along a bridge today with DM and a man walking in the opposite direction had a dog on a long lead who got tangled up in DM's leg. Bit of a non incident and we carried on walking once untangled but the man shouted back 'smile love' which just filled me with rage and I had no good come back

Dear Mumsnet, please, what should I have said to him? So enraged that he shouted at DM like that!!

OP posts:
spidersenses · 14/03/2023 22:01

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 20:30

What's wrong with the man saying that if your mum or you weren't smiling? I'm genuinely always baffled by these type of threads.

Because this is everyday sexism. This is male entitlement in practice. As women we need to check our own internal misogyny also.

GoodVibesHere · 14/03/2023 22:04

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 20:30

What's wrong with the man saying that if your mum or you weren't smiling? I'm genuinely always baffled by these type of threads.

So are you saying that you would obey him and smile? Is that how you'd respond? You'd smile because a man told you to?

NadjaCravensworth1 · 14/03/2023 22:05

Someone did this to me when I was walking with my headphones on in the middle of the first lockdown. By the time I took my headphones out and realised what he said it was too late. He was with two young girls who I assumed were his daughters. There was literally NOTHING to smile about at the time. It's a male control thing, it's enraging and I wish I'd told him to fuck off.

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 22:11

Goodvibeshere - I'm not saying I'd necessarily smile because someone told me to, but I wouldn't be affronted by someone saying that. In this particular situation, there was clearly an interaction between the OP's mum and the man when she got tangled in the dog's lead, so rather than getting irritated by the man's remark, it would make me think about my own reaction and whether I had a face like a smacked arse. But as Ive already said already, if the man shouted, then that's different.

gazpachosoupday · 14/03/2023 22:13

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 21:29

I can assure you that I am a woman, and I wasn't brought up to appease or not appease men, or women. But I have learnt not to get uptight about ridiculous and insignificant remarks that really don't matter to me or anyone I know in real life.

However, I've just seen the OP's reply and if the comment was really shouted, rather than just being a passing remark at normal volume, then I think that's less acceptable.

Show quote history

But its not about getting uptight, or offended about a comment, its the drip affect of this happening day in and day out. That makes women fucked off.

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 22:15

It might make some women fucked off, but by no means all. Some women find it offensive but many many more don't.

Blossomtoes · 14/03/2023 22:16

katseyes7 · 14/03/2023 20:33

I had some random man in the street tell me to "Cheer up, pet, it might never happen!" the day after my dad died.
I ripped him a new one. Didn't swear, but put him straight. Very straight.
He got very embarrassed and mumbled an apology.
I said "Well maybe you should think before you say it to anyone else, when you don't know the situation," and walked away.
I hate it when men (it's always men) say this. If it happened again l'd likely tell them to fuck off.

Exactly the same thing happened to me in Tescos the day after my mum died. My response was “It already has. My mum died yesterday”. I almost felt sorry for him as he slunk off with a face the colour of the strawberries in my basket.

MunchMonster · 14/03/2023 22:18

We only smile around people who aren't twats

Fraaahnces · 14/03/2023 22:21

I have to wonder if that dickhead hasn’t left his dog on a long lead to deliberately tangle up the legs of pubescent girls he can “flirt” with in the first place. Blech!!!

UWhatNow · 14/03/2023 22:22

‘Why don’t you fuck off telling women what to do when you can’t even walk a dog competently. TWAT.’

BellePeppa · 14/03/2023 22:23

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 20:30

What's wrong with the man saying that if your mum or you weren't smiling? I'm genuinely always baffled by these type of threads.

What? 🙄🤨

GoodVibesHere · 14/03/2023 22:23

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 22:11

Goodvibeshere - I'm not saying I'd necessarily smile because someone told me to, but I wouldn't be affronted by someone saying that. In this particular situation, there was clearly an interaction between the OP's mum and the man when she got tangled in the dog's lead, so rather than getting irritated by the man's remark, it would make me think about my own reaction and whether I had a face like a smacked arse. But as Ive already said already, if the man shouted, then that's different.

But I can't see how it makes a difference whether the man shouts, mumbles or uses a normal voice to tell you to smile/cheer up.

Either way he's instructing you on how you should look and behave. Don't you see it? A man telling you to get in line and act like a good girl and smile because he says so. If I want to have 'a face like a smacked arse' (as you put it) then I will! These men do it to intimidate you, make you feel small and uncomfortable. More fool you for going along with it.

Anyway I'm sure the OP's mum has a perfectly lovely facial expression no matter what that prick said. Who would walk around grinning after getting tangled up in some bloke's dog lead anyway?

JML001 · 14/03/2023 22:25

GretaGip · 14/03/2023 20:09

"I'm so sorry, I have no spare change."

Confuses the fuck out of them.

This is BRILLIANT!

MissingMoominMamma · 14/03/2023 22:25

A memorable time this happened to me was when I was on Lavender Hill, on the way to my aunt’s funeral (she died in her early 40s ☹️). I crossed a side street, and two of the pallbearers were leaning on the wall around the church. One said those immortal words, “Smile love, it might never happen.” to me just as I turned into the entrance. I didn’t need to say anything- the colour drained from his stupid face.

katseyes7 · 14/03/2023 22:26

Blossomtoes I really hope men who think it's okay to do this learn a lesson from it.

BellePeppa · 14/03/2023 22:27

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 22:15

It might make some women fucked off, but by no means all. Some women find it offensive but many many more don't.

Are you a man and do you say this to women? No one likes it. Women are always the target but men wouldn’t like it either. No one wants random strangers telling them what to do especially when it’s none of they’re damn business.

GoodChat · 14/03/2023 22:28

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 22:11

Goodvibeshere - I'm not saying I'd necessarily smile because someone told me to, but I wouldn't be affronted by someone saying that. In this particular situation, there was clearly an interaction between the OP's mum and the man when she got tangled in the dog's lead, so rather than getting irritated by the man's remark, it would make me think about my own reaction and whether I had a face like a smacked arse. But as Ive already said already, if the man shouted, then that's different.

What's the appropriate reaction when you get tangled in the lead of a dog being walked by someone who, presumably, didn't even apologise?

Blossomtoes · 14/03/2023 22:29

katseyes7 · 14/03/2023 22:26

Blossomtoes I really hope men who think it's okay to do this learn a lesson from it.

I think the two we encountered might have done.

dittbtdity · 14/03/2023 22:37

Get a smaller dog.... Something you can manage

Or

Go to dog school.... You, not the dog.

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/03/2023 22:40

“Sorry love, she only smiles at men she fancies.”

nocoolnamesleft · 14/03/2023 22:45

Once, years ago, I got this from a male nurse at work. He said "Cheer up, who died?" and I, accurately, replied "My grandad, last night"...the really galling thing was that the sister in charge told me I should apologise for upsetting him.

Throckmorton · 14/03/2023 22:46

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2023 22:15

It might make some women fucked off, but by no means all. Some women find it offensive but many many more don't.

Do you not realise that a man saying this is trying to offend you? They're not saying it to be nice, they are saying it to undermine and belittle you. Not getting offended by this is like not getting offended by someone openly insulting you. Feel free to be OK with that, but don't condescend to those of us who are offended by someone belittling us.

Ludo19 · 14/03/2023 22:48

nocoolnamesleft · 14/03/2023 22:45

Once, years ago, I got this from a male nurse at work. He said "Cheer up, who died?" and I, accurately, replied "My grandad, last night"...the really galling thing was that the sister in charge told me I should apologise for upsetting him.

Did you apologise?? That's bloody awful.

I get this as I've a pretty decent resting bitch face. I usually just give them a steely gaze and if pushed I will tell them to fuck off.

nocoolnamesleft · 14/03/2023 22:51

Ludo19 · 14/03/2023 22:48

Did you apologise?? That's bloody awful.

I get this as I've a pretty decent resting bitch face. I usually just give them a steely gaze and if pushed I will tell them to fuck off.

Show quote history

I was, at the time, a very junior doctor. The first rule of surviving as a junior doctor is not to piss off the nurses, as they can make your life much easier, or utter hell. So I apologised, and have regretted it since. These days I'd come down hard on anyone treating my juniors like that.

Ludo19 · 14/03/2023 22:54

nocoolnamesleft · 14/03/2023 22:51

I was, at the time, a very junior doctor. The first rule of surviving as a junior doctor is not to piss off the nurses, as they can make your life much easier, or utter hell. So I apologised, and have regretted it since. These days I'd come down hard on anyone treating my juniors like that.

Show quote history

That's honestly awful but I understand why you felt pushed to do it. We all do stuff when we're young and inexperienced we just move on and learn from it.