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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very difficult situation

774 replies

ulabella · 14/03/2023 07:50

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

OP posts:
poodlefan · 14/03/2023 11:20

”Could be worse your husband could have decided to get a malinois”
^ This we know someone who breeds those and does very successfully those weird guarding competitions all over Europe. I wouldn’t own one of those for all the money in the world.

gillywiththedogs · 14/03/2023 11:21

Dontthinkthrice · 14/03/2023 11:17

It’s unfair that your husband said he will leave over the dog. Please don’t split up over a dog!
This WILL GET BETTER. Young dogs aren’t pleasant and they go through a horrid adolescent stage! It’s not forever. I have loads of dogs.. it will be ok!!!

Agree 100%.

It's actually quite astonishing to look at an adult dog and think back to those puppy days of holes dug in the garden, chewed slippers, bitten ankles ... it's like, where did that dog go?!

JaniceBattersby · 14/03/2023 11:22

At the point my husband decided he would choose a dog’s happiness over my happiness, that would be the end of my marriage.

I hope his dog keeps him warm at night for the rest of his life.

BruceAndNosh · 14/03/2023 11:24

Your husband said he would take on ALL dog duties.
He has not kept his side of the bargain - if the dog is digging up your garden and pooing where it likes, your husband is clearly not training, supervising or cleaning up after it

Cleargreysky · 14/03/2023 11:25

This reply has been deleted

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TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 14/03/2023 11:29

People really overestimate the loyalty of dogs sometimes. Yes they love humans but they'll love ANY human who feeds it and walks it. Other than that I'm sorry to break it to you, they really don't give a shit much more than cats do. Cats are just honest about it! 🤣

Tekkentime · 14/03/2023 11:33

This reply has been deleted

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Couldn't agree more, these people are on another planet 😂

WoofWoofBeachLife · 14/03/2023 11:35

Hey OP, I have no constructive advice, I'm here to say I hear you. We have 4 high energy medium to large dogs and some days I've been in tears asking myself why the fuck I let my Husband get another one. I love them all, I adore them actually but by fuck its hard hard work. Males actually take till about 4 to mentally mature lol, ours us 3 now so in his early twenties haha. The girls range from 13 years, 5 years and 18 months. Never ever again. Sending hugs and flowers 💐
We actually are contemplating fencing off part of the garden for our use only. We are also changing the front bedroom into a dog free sitting room and moving into the bedroom at the rear which will also be dog free. At the moment if I want peace, I need to go into our bedroom. We live in a bungalow. The male is a lump of love and affection but also a bull in a China shop and he barks at the window. The pensioner barks now at fuck all because she's a dippy old soul, the 2 middle girls are great, no bother and are so well behaved and loving. Great on walks and do everything I ask. I wish you so much luck OP, but as much as I adore mine, at 50 it's too much for me now with my deteriorating health. We would never re home any of them, so I suck it up. My Husband agrees it's a nightmare for me but he can escape to work. At least he sees me unlike your Husband which is so sad. ❤️

CwmYoy · 14/03/2023 11:35

I always feel sorry for the people who would leave a marriage over a pet. What horribly sad lives they must lead.

Whydoiwearsomuchleopardprint · 14/03/2023 11:36

DorotheaFrazil · 14/03/2023 09:53

Completely agree with this ^^

Show quote history

This sums it up perfectly for me! I 100 per cent agree! Awful behavior on husbands part. Also everyone who says it gets easier, I disagree. The dog might but you can never leave it for more than a few hours, you need to get people to look after it when you are away, basically you can never be spontaneous again. I adore our family dog but seriously none of the above is easy!!

WoofWoofBeachLife · 14/03/2023 11:37

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 14/03/2023 11:29

People really overestimate the loyalty of dogs sometimes. Yes they love humans but they'll love ANY human who feeds it and walks it. Other than that I'm sorry to break it to you, they really don't give a shit much more than cats do. Cats are just honest about it! 🤣

They are adaptable, especially with the dog being so young. Cats 🐈 lol that made me laugh, xx

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 14/03/2023 11:39

OMG! Why did @Cleargreysky ’s post get deleted? Did a crazy dog person report the post for saying dog people are crazy?

Tekkentime · 14/03/2023 11:40

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 14/03/2023 11:39

OMG! Why did @Cleargreysky ’s post get deleted? Did a crazy dog person report the post for saying dog people are crazy?

😂 guess that you either get in line and worship dogs or get reported on here

helpfulperson · 14/03/2023 11:41

If the dog is more important to him than you I would suggest packing his suitcase for him.

He doesn't sound like he is making any effort to make things less stressful for you. Why is the dog still allowed in the garden

Mamai90 · 14/03/2023 11:43

I can empathise OP because I really struggled when we got our dog, I regretted it massively but my husband adored him and I had been the one to want a dog so I felt I had to suck it up. It took me a long time - maybe up to a year before I was settled with the dog in the house, we didn't have children at the time so it was easier in that sense.

He's really grown on me and even when we had our daughter although there were a couple of difficult weeks when we thought he didn't like her they are now best friends. I think time was a big thing for me but I appreciate it might not be the same for you. You sound like you're really struggling, I don't think anyone could judge you for that, it is hard!

Personally I'm with you OP, you didn't want the dog in the first place but I understand your husbands love for the dog too. They become like family.

CrackOfDawn · 14/03/2023 11:43

gillywiththedogs · 14/03/2023 11:03

OP, I know it's hard but sometimes you have to go through these things, for love of your husband and for love of the dog. You, your husband and your home are the only things your dog has! Your dog doesn't have anything else. You are his world. I can 100% understand why your husband would say he would leave rather than give up the dog. Your husband is taking his responsibilities seriously, as he should be. Could you not find it in yourself to support him through this. Hell, the dog will calm down, yes they do have a much longer 'puppyhood' than most other breeds. But the dog won't be around forever. Dogs can be a right pain in the ass, but they bring unconditional joy.
You will miss the dog beyond measure when he dies, of old age hopefully, while still being a member of your family.

OP didn't want the dog. Why should she 'have to go through these things' for an animal she didn't want, just because her selfish oaf of a husband has bullied her into it? Maybe she should get a snake/pig/giant spider/whatever other inappropriate animal that her husband doesn't like, and let it ruin his life

kikedog · 14/03/2023 11:44

for those saying rehome, it isn't that simple. Rescue centres are full to bursting as more people give dogs up coupled with fewer people wanting to adopt due to the cost of living squeeze. Most dogs given up will not find new homes of lovely families and it all be sweetness and light.

Dogs given up will go from a familiar home environment into kennels where they will spend months if not years. We use the phrase rehome to sanitise the reality of the situation. This will be a high energy, young dog, leaving its family and home and being sent to a new strange environment that it doesn't understand.

For me animals aren't commodities, if you take one in you take on that responsibility to look after and care for it. Giving it up because it wasn't what was expected is cruel and irresponsible.

you might be able to call your husbands bluff on this and force the ultimatium and have him give up the dog, I doubt he'd ever really forgive it though.

BruceAndNosh · 14/03/2023 11:45

All 4 of my siblings have dogs which they can't leave for more than half a day and refuse to use kennels. None of their dogs get on with their "dog cousins" so we can't get together as a family any more without someone leaving early or someone else not coming at all because only one family can bring their dog to any get together. It's so restrictive.
Then all siblings tell us we are so lucky to be able to go on holiday but they can't because "dog"

TheOrigRights · 14/03/2023 11:45

Gosh, I am surprised at the number of people who would choose a dog over their partner.

BruceAndNosh · 14/03/2023 11:46

For me animals aren't commodities, if you take one in you take on that responsibility to look after and care for it. Giving it up because it wasn't what was expected is cruel and irresponsible.

Neither are spouses...

Nevermind31 · 14/03/2023 11:46

what are your husband’s suggestions as to how to make this better for you?
je is not holding up his end of the bargain if the garden is full of dog poo.
he needs to supervise the dog when he is out in the garden and stop him destroying it.
he is not training him enough if he is still destroying the house.
your husband is not cleaning the house enough if there is dog hair everywhere

so really, husband needs to hoover daily, scoop the poop each time the dog is in the garden, supervise dog…

AdventFridgeOfShame · 14/03/2023 11:47

@kikedog you rehome GSPs via GSP Rescue UK, they generally have a waiting list for dogs wanted.
Most dog homes won't touch one as they often need fostering.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 14/03/2023 11:47

To a pp who would absolutely choose a dog over a partner, are they even worth being with in the first place?!

I'm more of a cat person but I wouldn't have even gone out with DH, let alone married him if he wasn't a cat lover! When we moved to our current home I said I would only move to somewhere suitable to have a cat. Luckily we feel the same but it would have been a deal breaker for me if not.

I feel sorry for OP but also for her husband if he has to get rid of the dog. It's a horrible situation for both of them.

AdventFridgeOfShame · 14/03/2023 11:49

As the dog is young it should go back to the breeder as a first choice for rehoming.

poodlefan · 14/03/2023 11:50

"People really overestimate the loyalty of dogs sometimes. Yes they love humans but they'll love ANY human who feeds it and walks it. Other than that I'm sorry to break it to you, they really don't give a shit much more than cats do. Cats are just honest about it! 🤣"
We took on a failed show dog when he was 10 months old he's now sitting at my feet and is a very happy settled dog, within 24 hours he quickly decided we were offering a pretty good home thank you very much. He was also happy in his previous home. Assuming your dog has not been mistreated then he can be rehomed and be just as happy if not more so.