Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

The OP's husband said "promising to take care of all dog duties."
He has not done this. Not at all. But now the dog has to take priority over the OP's feelings because it's what the DH always wanted and now the dog is here.

@BruceAndNosh Neither are spouses...

But they have agency in this world and are able to look after themselves whereas a dog is dependent on its owner.

You're absolutely right a decent breeder will want the dog back (and usually the new owners sign a contract agreeing to return the dog to the breeder if they are no longer able to keep it) so that should be the OPs partners first port of call if he does agree to rehome it.

It's sad that the vows OP and her DH made to each other no longer hold as the dog has come on the scene. Yes the OP has agency, but she and her DH are meant to be life partners; to support and cherish each other.

I feel your pain. We are dog people and I even bought the damn dog! Wowzers, do I regret it. We have a 16 month old Springer Spaniel and he’s wrecking my home. DH loves him, kids love him….. I don’t love him. I’ve just postponed having downstairs redecorated and new furniture because the dog makes such a mess. He farts terribly too. Slowly but surely we are getting to a better place with him by keeping him less stimulated/lower adrenaline levels. No balls indoors only in park, 3 walks a day so no pooping in garden, looked at his food so no stimulation (think kids and blue smarties), lots of brain games, licky mats. Ideally I’d want to wake up one morning and the dog be gone. Good luck.

We have a pointer cross. Absolutely not what we ordered as we prefer small dogs and he was sold to us as a terrier/spaniel cross. He's 2 now and it's so much easier. Bottom line is he's a lovely boy (even if he's huge compared to our terrier). It will get better in the next few months if you can hang on in there. Obviously the huge turds won't stop but the trashing the garden has... they are nice natured dogs compared to many other breeds.

God, OP, I would be so furious if I were you. I like dogs but I too don't wish to be tied down after raising two DC. I can't believe your husband. Let him bloody leave then.

The more I read some of the comments on here the more flabbergasted I am. I have spent mist of my life working with children with serious mental health concerns Im struggling to understand anyone who will break up a family and the devastating effects this will have on the children over a bloody dog.

You should never have agreed to the dog as it sounds deep down as if you definitely didn’t want one and I agree with another poster who said you should have done your own research, however hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I really feel for you as I think there is very little chance of you bonding with the dog.
Is your husband actually properly training the dog, is it just basic commands he is giving it, what does he do when the dog digs in the garden? Does he clean up the poo in the garden? Does he engage with the dog as much as he said he would prior to the dog coming into your house?
When he takes it walks is it long walks to tire the dog out? Big dogs need to have long walks, and that could help with the negative behaviour, like the digging etc. Getting the dog neutered (or whatever it’s called) may help it’s behaviour too.

How old are your children do they help?

As other posters have said the dog will calm down eventually and they can be such a comfort to you if you let it.

I really feel for you, and I hope you can find a way that suits you both.

I do feel for you OP. My partner wants a dog. I tolerate other people's but really don't want one in my house.
Ihave told him that if he gets a dog out will be the end of our relationship and I mean it. Your situation has strengthened my resolve not too be suckered into an intolerable tie.

On MN, it's always baffling how people are told to get a dog if they are lonely/bored/empty nesters/menopausal. I think dogs are lovely but it's like having an extra child. Or maybe even worse because toddlers grow up and go to school. Certainly not something that one spouse can insist on.

I hate dogs and the devil would be going to work in a snowplough before I even let one set foot in my house, let alone live with one!

Obviously the mistake was falling for the pressure, when you already knew you didn't want a dog. Even worse, you got a untrained puppy. Personally, I'd be taking it to Dogs Trust for rehoming. You say your husband will resent you for this, but what is the alternative? This dog could live for 15 years - are you going to spend that time living in a way you hate?

Wow, I bet you never thought your marriage would come to this! YANU to want rid of the dog but you were unreasonable to have agreed in the first place. Unfortunately you're OH has made his views clear. Whether he would follow through is a different matter but to me his actions say he either wants the dog more than you.....or he's a manipulative bully. Neither appeal to me.
If you separate your quality of life will likely drop for a while but you'll adjust. Your peace of mind is what's important.

Someone I know has had it suggested more than a couple of times by the health care professionals supporting her very troubled daughter that they get a dog. The child has said she wants a dog.

This person has a job, 2 other children, is a lone parent and has categorically said she cannot take on a dog. STILL someone asked whether there was any way.

I have a 6 month old labrador puppy OP, and as someone who desperately wanted another dog after the passing of our old one and brought the puppy into a household in total agreement on getting a puppy, it was still a ridiculous amount of stress and work for the first few months until things settled down. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you considering you never wanted the dog in the first place - being so sure about wanting a dog and dedicated to it was the only thing that kept us going through the dreaded puppy months!

I absolutely feel that you should not have been pressured into having a dog and when you agreed to a dog on the condition that your DH does the work for it, he's keeping to his side of the deal so essentially this is the situation as it stands. You'll have a very hard time getting him to give up the dog now he's got it - the bond forms incredibly fast and dogs are like family members. I really don't know what solution to give other than potentially living separately but I wanted to say I'm just so sorry you're in this situation. Puppies and young dogs can be very hard work at the best of times.

he's keeping to his side of the deal

No he's not. He said he would do everything. The OP's garden is ruined, among other things.

My view too. But I’ve always said no dog because I don’t want to be tied down and if a pup chewed my books I would go ballistic.

It might be solvable if H sorts out the garden situation and the dog has to use one defined part as a toilet and H cleans it up daily. My aunt and uncle had a space like this which was cleans and disinfected daily. Their dog did not poop all over the garden or dig up plants.

However, H had chosen the dog over you - which says it all, really.

This!

I meant regarding OP's quote of "My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training". but agree that OP's DH should have given OP the realistic expectations of dog ownership regarding potential damage to her property/garden so she could make an informed decision before the dog was bought.

I still don't believe that OP's DH should have brought the dog into the home knowing OP was not fully on board with it.

Those who are critical of OP for agreeing to the dog, yes I think you have point but on the other hand it seems to me that the husband was determine to have what he wanted so he pushed and pushed, said what she wanted to hear to keep her sweet until she backed down.
He knew that once the dog was there she wouldn't be able to do anything about it, the fact that he is now choosing the dog over her says it all! He doesn't care about what she wants or her distress.

Seems dh has trained you but not the ddog op.
You have shut up and put up all the while ddog has ruined your home and garden.
Dh must be laughing behind your back.

Your husband is BU. There is no reason for the dog to poo in the garden, if he's going for walks. That's what those little plastic poo bags are for.

There is no reason for the dog to rule the whole downstairs either. In my mother's house the dog was not allowed in the kitchen or bathrooms - if you don't have two receptions that is more difficult. Perhaps the solution might be a bigger house / garden. Maybe DH should arrange that.

This is a very sensible post. I too am a dog lover, but YANBU OP.

All of this prompts some questions for me, and I think it should for you too.

Is your husband usually overbearing, does he often try and overrule you or pester you into submission? He's shown extremely poor judgment in his choice of breed, is he prone to this? And is he bending over backwards to come up with some sensible accommodations to make your life easier, or is he just huffing and puffing and being a jerk?

x

Your dh has lied to you. You have every right to be furious. I’m not sure what the solution is, but if it were me, I would ask him to leave.

This is so hard OP if you’re both not there for the dog mentally I’m not sure how it would ever work. I think dog training is a family thing. One member of the family can’t do it on their own. Are you ever left alone with the dog / do you take any responsibility for training the dog?

We were renting when we got our dog. Our landlords initially said no we couldn’t have one (it did say no pets on our rental agreement). We begged them and promised that if the dog damaged anything we would pay. They relented and said yes. Myself and my DH both grew up with dogs so we knew we would have to be on it in terms of training. I took him to training classes from 9 weeks old. We were both on board with training. He’s a Labrador so a big dog. He didn’t damage anything or destroy the garden. He’s really well trained but it took both us to be 100% consistent with his training. He’s an amazing dog who we all love. Our DC were young when we got him.

So many people get dogs and don’t realise what a commitment it is and how hard the first few years are. I can’t imagine getting through the puppy years without the help of my DH. They don’t just need exercise they need mental stimulation too.

Are you able to engage in training your dog. Maybe you would form a bond with the dog instead of leaving it all to your DH.

I actually think it was unrealistic to agree to have a dog and then want nothing to do with it. You should never have agreed to it. Your DH has made it impossible for you and that isn’t fair on the dog.