Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I have to say I love GSPs. But they’re big! A whippet would have been a more doable sized hound.

But I couldn’t live with an animal that destroyed my space. And that’s down to your DH’s training.

Yanbu.

I'd let him leave with the dog.

Or tell him he has to hoover every day and do poop clearance every day in the garden too.

He needs to do more not just having frolicking fun on walks.

Having said that, the dog will calm down in 18 months or so. Had he been neutered? That will help too.

My stbex wanted dogs. Did feck all with them and now I'm left with three of them. I like them but I look forward to being free of them.

@missingeu

I've waited 15 years to get a dog, we had to have children first (DH's rules). We have 2 dogs, one is part GS and her puppy stage because she's a large breed was over 2 years.

If DH asked me to choose him or the dogs - I'd choose the dogs. I love DH to bits but it the fact he's making me choose. It would spoil our marriage, I would look at him differently and loose a bit of love. I hope he would have the same reaction. I would never make DH choose a pet that's part of the family/house over me. I would never forgive him.

And if my husband chose a DOG over ME - it would make me look differently at him. Anyone who priorities a DOG over the spouse or life partner/mother or father of their children, is not worth staying with.

You have 'waited 15 years to get a dog,' and would leave your husband if he wanted the dog to go as it was making his life miserable? Do you really care so little about him?

@Museya15

You cherish your freedom but you got a dog!! Huh?

The OP's PARTNER got the dog - not her!

You have to put yourself first. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it.

I’ve not read the thread but just wanted to give you some options.

Crate the dog if you’re out of the house or need some time out. You would need to train it to be happy in a crate but it’s definitely doable.
Our dogs live outside all year round. They have thick coats, their kennels are off the ground, water tight and out of the wind. They have mats/bedding in them and they are happy 😊
Your breed of dog would live outside too.
Ours are walked 2-3 times a day and fed well.
This could be an option.
Good luck OP x

Owning a dog would make me absolutely miserable and i'd feel like I was trapped. Probably end up very depressed.

If my DH wouldn't get rid of the dog, I wouldn't want to be with him.

Oh dear. I would choose my dog over my partner so I do understand his pov.

She was there first. She’s his wife ffs!

He shouldn’t have been so selfish and pressured the op into having one in the first place.

Id call his bluff tbh - tell him to find somewhere else to live (that will take a German shepherd!)

She’s joyless because she doesn’t want a dog? the level of stupidity on MN is astounding.

As a German Pointer owner, your DH is an arse. He is also failing to keep the dogs mind stimulated.

They are about as hard work as a dog comes.

He should do the poo picking every single day, preferably twice. He should also help you redesign the garden so that a portion is fenced off, 6 foot plus high. The buggers can jump and dig.

Look into doggy day care, be warned many will not take a young GSP as they are too demanding and upset the balance. Get your DH to take up Hoopers, engage with a trainer, go to gun dog classes.

It does get better, mine is nearly four and now behaves like an active adolescent.

Huge sympathies, there were days when I wanted to rehome ours, and I went into ownership eyes wide open.

Who looks after the dog during the day?

OP, I know it's hard but sometimes you have to go through these things, for love of your husband and for love of the dog. You, your husband and your home are the only things your dog has! Your dog doesn't have anything else. You are his world. I can 100% understand why your husband would say he would leave rather than give up the dog. Your husband is taking his responsibilities seriously, as he should be. Could you not find it in yourself to support him through this. Hell, the dog will calm down, yes they do have a much longer 'puppyhood' than most other breeds. But the dog won't be around forever. Dogs can be a right pain in the ass, but they bring unconditional joy.
You will miss the dog beyond measure when he dies, of old age hopefully, while still being a member of your family.

Your dh has made a breed choice not suited to either of you.
I love my staffy boy dearly, and we've had dogs for almost 20 years. Surely your dh knew you would end up having your life effected by the dog? It's impossible to have just one person effected by having a dog.
Our dogs are not destructive, luckily minimal shedding, and bring me huge joy. If I had to go upstairs for peace in my own home, like you OP, I'd be fuming! So I say as a dog lover- that would be a nope from me. I don't know what the answer is though.

Where are these lazy collies? Mine is clearly broken and I want a lazy one!

The training 'window' is still open at under a year, and this seems to be the problem. Yes puppies/youngsters can be boisterous for a long time, but digging & chewing can be trained out of them, and as PPs have said, he can be trained to go to the loo in a specific place in the garden. I also think you should perhaps try and engage with him a bit more, find a time when he's calmer in the evenings and give him some affection so that he's not picking up on your stress the whole time. But do really feel for you...

This sums it up

I do feel for you as it sounds like you were a bit pressured but ultimately you agreed to this responsibility and now have to make the best of it. Dogs are like children and a massive responsibility but you can’t just give up when the going gets tough as you choose this responsibility. I would focous on getting a dog trainer to help with some behaviour but as others have said the dog is still young and needs time to grow and mature. I’m sorry you are in this situation but my advice is to persevere. Don’t break up your marriage the difficult phase will likely pass. Please don’t get rid of the dog.

Before jumping to end the marriage (on both your parts) can your DH not actually do what he said? He seems to have promised the dog wouldn't put a burden on you and would improve your quality of life. It's currently doing the opposite but your DH could do more to make it easier for you eg dog training; fence off part of the garden so the dog can't ruin everything; keep the dog confined to one room downstairs in the house.
Your DH sounds like a bully. You clearly said no. He wore you down by repeated asks and now says he'll leave rather than address the issues caused by having a dog.

You love your DH and think you have a special bond.

He has pressured you, refused any compromises and has bonded with the new dog. I don’t think he loves you.

As a German Pointer owner, your DH is an arse.

Absolutely agree. This is 100% a training issue and it's making you miserable. If he can't train a very active breed properly, he needs to pay for someone to help him train it. They're a gun dog! They're bred for intelligence, and a very active life!

The dog should not be wrecking your garden - it's not a scared rescue, it doesn't need the whole garden as its 'safe space'. It should have been trained that this part of the garden is where it pees, this is where it's allowed to dig and the rest is not its territory.

The dog shouldn't be wrecking your house - if it is, it's bored. Bored, bored, bored. You may not think so, but they want things to do as well as long walks.

If your husband is talking about 'normal dog things' when the dog wrecks the place, your husband is talking out of his arse. Your dog needs - just like a toddler - to be taught how to behave in a house.

Doggy day care will be very good for it - socialising with other dogs is always good, there's lots of interesting things for an active dog to do - and you can see if you can find someone to help with the training as well.

Could be worse. Your idiot DH could have decided to get a Malinois.

Even when the puppy phase passes and the dog gets easier, will you be able to get past knowing that you aren’t your DH’s priority?

I must say I agree with this! He basically lied to you about what a dog would be like and how much work it would be, so that he could get what he wanted.

I cannot respect anyone who would actually choose a new dog over their spouse they raised children with. Utterly contemptible.

All these people saying, ' oh you are joyless!' 'You just haven't tried hard enough to love the dog' Have a word with yourself people! I love my kids but I don't expect anyone else to love them, do I? Still less someone who was clear they didn't want them in the first place! They are effing hard work. So is this bloody dog!

Im saying this as a life long dog owner/lover (and having had GSPs) the OP does not have to “make the best of it”. GSPs stay young and bouncy for a very long time, they are big dogs she shouldn’t have to put up with one in her house and being driven to sit up stairs to get away from the dog. OP contrary to what many believe on here your welfare should always take priority over the dog if it has to be rehomed so be it it will survive and find happiness in a new home if it’s rehomed responsibly go through the breed society they will find it a new home which I suspect will be more suitable than your home and it will be perfectly happy (we took on on a young adult GSP and it very quickly adapted and settled down never looking back).

Quite. All of this.

I think you are both in the wrong here. He should not have pressured you and you should not have caved to that pressure! The dog is now here and I absolutely would leave any partner who tried to make me choose and rehome a much loved pet! You either need to come to some kind of compromise ( with him upping the hoovering and keeping the garden cleaner etc) or he needs to leave with the dog!

Yes. I think it’s very closed-minded to behave in this crossed-arms, “I am not going to like it so I don’t like it” way, and I think if the OP learned to enjoy the dog more (going on walks, involving herself in training) she would find herself better in control of the dog, better engaged with her husband on why he enjoys the dog, and might find that it’s fun and joyful rather than annoying.

It’s unfair that your husband said he will leave over the dog. Please don’t split up over a dog!
This WILL GET BETTER. Young dogs aren’t pleasant and they go through a horrid adolescent stage! It’s not forever. I have loads of dogs.. it will be ok!!!