Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

As the owner of a dog that’s the light of my life, you have my every sympathy @ulabella. Believe me I wouldn’t be nearly so besotted with her if she chewed my stuff and ruined my garden.

The issue isn’t the dog but your bloke’s refusal to listen to you and inability to train the dog. You’re right, a small dog would be far more suitable but he wouldn’t listen. Dogs can be trained to behave in gardens but he hasn’t done that. They need to be played with and given chewing toys so they don’t randomly chew everything.

It’s a horrible place to be and I can’t imagine how awful it is for both of you.

Exactly. It's not like a pet they've had for a decade.

@Stompythedinosaur

Though tbh I would end my relationship rather than get rid of a dog I am responsible for, so you might want to be prepared if you are giving an ultimatum.

Really? You would REALLY end a marriage to a man you'd been with for many years, and had children with (as is the case with the OP,) for a DOG you have had for a few months? I really do feel sorry for anyone who would do this, because they clearly have no love or respect or caring in their relationship/marriage. How sad.

I can't believe some of the posts i'm reading here!

@Daisybee6

If any man chose a newly acquired dog over me I'd be packing up his shit for him and pushing him and his dog out the door myself.

This. ^ In spades.

Let him go and take the dog with him. You deserve better than a man who puts a dog before you.

This is what I hate about dog lovers.

There is nothing missing from my life. I love my life. I don't love dogs. That's it. Pick any animal you don't especially love and apply that to yourself instead of dogs and see how ridiculous your statement is. Rats? Snakes? Spiders?

The only thing I agree with is that the dog is probably picking up on the tension. The rest is horseshit designed to shame the OP for not being completely in love with an animal.

The dog might not be bored... but over-stimulated, maybe? I know from my own dog that if she's walked, and trained, and cuddled/exposed to a lot of attention and/or people all in one block of daylit hours, she becomes unbearable and destructive. And she's 6 years old, not a pup still. Maybe your husband needs to teach the dog that downtime is a good thing? That it doesn't always need to be on the go all of the time. When I had two pups under 12 months old (mine and my parents GSD who I cared for, or raised really as I did all the hard grafting until he was 3, whilst they worked) and an elderly dog here, we had Quiet Time for a few hours where the pups were encouraged to be on their beds and either nap or just lie quietly so that the older dog and I actually got some peace from their being pups... It is possible to recognise the signs of a hysterically over-tired puppy, the way it is to see it in a human child. And this might well be the cause of your husband's pup, but he's not recognising the signs of an over-stimulated canine in much the same way that some men can't in their human babies, for whatever reason, while you probably could - but don't want to. Which is okay. Dogs genuinely aren't for everyone, and should never be foisted on someone who doesn't care for, or want to have responsibility for what essentially amounts to a permanent three year old child. Does your husband actually understand how much you chose to compromise on/over so that he could have this pup be a part of your lives/life together? Or did he naively assume that once you saw the puppy, you'd fall for its charms...?

I'm a dog person who, growing up, always had dogs around. I've picked up after them, I've trained them, I've been with them through every step of their lives. My ex... not an animal person at all. His family just don't "do" animals, which is as okay a choice as my family's one to share our home with an entire menagerie. Whilst my ex and I were together - there were no dogs. We had a cat, instead, who ignored my ex in much the same way that my ex ignored him. The older dog I mentioned above? Didn't enter my children's lives until my ex left us. For us, that worked. There was no way that I would have inflicted a puppy or dog on my ex (or him on it, for that matter!) whilst we were together. It wouldn't have been fair on any of us, but least of all the children... and the dog!

My heart genuinely goes out to you, @ulabella, because this situation isn't fair to you even remotely. You and the dog are both suffering, because your husband may well have researched breeders... but perhaps not how a dog's brain works? They shouldn't be active all the time, especially not when they're under 18 months old. They need short strolls, not long hikes. They need naps, too, like human babies/toddlers do. And the pup will know you resent it and perhaps be acting out in an effort to capture your attention. Think about it, to a small human, sometimes even being shouted at for being naughty is better than being ignored for being good. Your husband's pup? Wired pretty much the same way.

As someone with loads of animals I can understand where you are coming from, they are really hard work and you have to really want it.

Your DH could still have had a dog but chosen one that was smaller, older and more settled. Instead he insisted on a puppy in a breed which seems to be too much for your size of house and garden. Your cherished garden, which he knows you love, is being destroyed.

Don't look at this as him choosing a dog over you: this is him refusing to compromise, putting his own wants front and centre and not giving a shiny shit about you.

I say this as a dog lover too.

Who is looking after the dog while he's at work if he isnt WFH?

I'm sorry @ulabella that was a major derail as that comment riled me so much. I don't really have any advice, I'd hate a dog in my life. No amount of cuddles or anything would change that.

I feel for you OP, that sounds really hard. We gave in to pestering from the DC and got a dog 2 years ago. I completely understand what you mean about wanting a clean house. I'm home with the dog all the time too (WFH).

I think there could be more things you can try. Could you ban the dog from the living room? Hard flooring elsewhere in the house and another TV and armchair outside the living room for your DH to cuddle up with the dog sometimes. DH also agrees to do morning and poo pick ups every day.

I am a dog lover and I totally get how you feel about it all. Although I love our three, I remember with nostalgia the rare dog free time we had, when the house was hair free and the garden pristine.
But DH can't live without dogs… so we looked for some compromises and solutions.

Firstly, only bitches. The thing that used to upset me the most was the smell of dog urine on everything, especially in summer. DH would always wash it off with Jeyes fluid, which does get rid of the smell but then you wouldn't want everything smelling like a school lavatory, either. We were experimenting with a better smelling disinfectant when our last dog died.
We don't have a lawn, so brown patches aren’t an issue.

We have a run and kennel for the dogs, where they spend most of the day. This keeps them off the rest of the garden and they are quite happy, watching the world go by.
We also fenced off part of the garden so that it is a dog free zone.

DH does two good walks daily and has timed it/trained them so that they poo on their walks and dog poo at home is minimal.
Having an outside tap to wash off the worst of the mud helps, too. And we always have a couple of bottles of cheap Aldi tomato ketchup for cleaning off any rolled in fox musk.
No wet dogs in the house is another rule, as we are lucky enough to have a boiler room to use for drying them off, which is also where they sleep.
When they do come into the house, they are confined to two rooms only.

Our largest and immature-est dog is crate trained and still sleeps there by choice. If they slept in the house, this crate would prevent a lot of badness when unsupervised.

As we have all working breeds, they need training and a job. Could your DH sign up for gun dog training, search and rescue training, or similar?
Then there might be picking up work available for a trained gun dog, to keep him occupied and maybe even tired. A tired dog is a good dog.

I've never tried day care for dogs but it sounds bloody marvellous!

We are a non pet family. I've been saying no for over 30yrs and would never have an animal in the house. I would feel the same as you and if my husband/partner had pressured me into it I would definitely ask him to leave.

Having succumbed to the pressure doesn't mean you have to live with that 'choice' though. The dog will be fine being rehomed, and you will be fine if he chooses the dog over you.

This thread is moving fast, so apologies if i am repeating advice already given, but if your relationship is otherwise good i would try the following first to see if it helps enough:

Put dog in doggy daycare a couple of days a week- wears them out and gives you a couple of days when they aren’t around,

Husband commits to hoovering every day.

Husband commits to poo pick up every day in garden and a garden tidy up each weekend.

My (loved) dog stays in the kitchen during the day behind a stairgate (she sleeps in her open crate most of the time but she does have toys, chews and food available and gets walks, let out into garden etc)- then she comes through to the lounge with us in the evening. It minimises the dog hair and smell in there.

Regular hoovering, carpet cleaning, airing of the house and washing of the sofa covers etc also helps me feel like i still live in a nice house!

Hope something in there helps. Good luck 💐

You've just confirmed my worst fears about getting a dog! It's exactly as I'd imagined it would be! I could never, ever get one. Fortunately my DH has no interest in getting one either. It sounds extremely tough but if it was me I think I'd stick it out until the dog was older and hopefully he'll have calmed down by then. I wouldn't want to throw away a marriage. My friend's dog was like this but is now very chilled out and much easier to handle. Good luck.

Near me there is a dog service that picks up your dog from your house and takes them out in a mini bus for the day to the countryside, bringing them back knackered in the evening. It’s expensive, so okay to nursery fees, but would be cheaper than divorce! Might be worth seeing if there is similar near you.

How about investing in a large raised dog cage kennel and put the dog in there. Allow the dog to run about in garden only with husband supervising and picking up poo and limit the time and rooms that dog can be inside. It could mean that DH has to walk the dog more each day and take it to dog school until it learns to be very civil but if he leaves he will be gone for longer than a few dog walks.

We used to have GSPs they are lovely friendly family dogs but and it’s a big but we lived on a farm the dogs were out from 7 in the morning till 7 at night they slept in a barn most nights or in the boot room when it was very cold and had thousands of acres to roam across. When we knew we were moving to shall we say a normal more house and the last GSP was very elderly we decided to not get anymore and we got something more suitable for our lifestyle. Ours stayed young and bouncy for all their lives (plenty of breeders told us this is how they are) they never seemed to loose that puppy phase just slightly slowed down a few weeks/months before they died. I have a friend with a vizla which are very similar she lives in a normal house it’s 2 years old now I’m a very doggy person having been round dogs all my life but frankly the thing drives me absolutely mad. Its not a lovely tempered dog but it sounds very like yours I don’t know how she copes with it.
I don’t know what the answer is here but nothing on this earth would persuade me to live with a dog that is driving me nuts.

www.dogdaysadventure.co.uk

this kind of thing

This.

I'm a dog owner but any idiot that would prioritise a dog over a loving spouse and marriage needs to get in the bin.

You cherish your freedom but you got a dog!! Huh?

I am at a stage of my life ( adult kids, 1 teen) where I do NOT want to look after ANYONE and that includes dogs!

I've waited 15 years to get a dog, we had to have children first (DH's rules). We have 2 dogs, one is part GS and her puppy stage because she's a large breed was over 2 years.

If DH asked me to choose him or the dogs - I'd choose the dogs. I love DH to bits but it the fact he's making me choose. It would spoil our marriage, I would look at him differently and loose a bit of love. I hope he would have the same reaction. I would never make DH choose a pet that's part of the family/house over me. I would never forgive him.

Did you and DP consider what plans you had for this scenario when you were negotiating him getting a dog? Or did you just think once agreed it was done and dusted?

ie: what if I agree to this now and in future find I cannot live with the dog despite trying my hardest? would you DP be able to give dog up?