Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I write this as a devoted dog lover and dog owner for 35 years who married a non dog lover 4 years ago. Dogs are hard work, I loved mine but don't honestly think I could manage a baby, a house, a ft job and a puppy.

I've had dogs who visited that I couldn't get on with, and we always chose dogs with issues but that we felt we could love. It generally worked out OK.
If u don't want to give up DH, and its a shame if u love each other, I'd recommend u taking charge if the dog, beings its one and only, which will be very tough but will improve your life and the dogs. Setting expectations, ie don't allow a puppy to do what you wouldn't allow your older dog to do, is an absolute must, so if dog is in the garden, be there too to distract and correct, never aggressively.

It is possible, I think, to make this work, but not if u resent the pup as they are incredibly perceptive and will try to please you not realising it's making it worse.
Good luck.

Ps there's alot of carp talked about 'dominating the dog', never worked for me, cooperation was always more rewarding.

A well-walked dog would never choose to shit in his own garden.

I call BS on this dog being well-walked.

Avarua2
I totally agree

German shepherds are very active and intelligent dog's. This is why they are used so much as police dog's. A friend of mine adopted a retired GS police dog. Only had him a few weeks and he passed away in his sleep. The family were heartbroken. But they aren't every families ideal pet. I think your husband wanted the dog more as a status symbol. But a small semi in a city with a small garden isn't really the right environment for the breed of dog. Though they will be a good guard dog for you.

600+ replies about the pros and cons of German Shorthaired Pointers and we get that ^^

We had GSPs when I was young. To set the scene, I adored them and am generally a dog lover.

They are huge shedders and prone to distressing skin infections. They are extremely active and will run miles to hunt in a pack without any human encouragement. They can be quite neurotic and prone to excessive reactions eg to separation or territory issues. They are in no way a lovely dog for a young family or a suitable dog for a small semi. They are not indoor dogs.

Certainly they are beautiful, affectionate, athletic, trainable, and great for activities like agility, but ours lived on a hectare and it was nothing like enough space for them. When we had two together, they could not be contained and wreaked havoc.

These attributes are well known and I doubt that OP’s DH could genuinely have thought otherwise.

He needs to provide at least 2 hours of hard physical work for the dog every day (morning and evening), train the dog to use one corner of the garden as its toilet, and take responsibility for vacuuming daily and providing bones and chew toys.

He needs to provide at least 2 hours of hard physical work for the dog every day (morning and evening), train the dog to use one corner of the garden as its toilet, and take responsibility for vacuuming daily and providing bones and chew toys.

If this were going to happen, the stupid husband would be doing it already.
The dog is completely unsuitable and needs to be rehomed. It would probably be best on a farm or somewhere like that.
Better to rehome right away, while it is still young enough to train.

It was certainly the wrong breed of dog to get in your circumstances, what was your husband thinking?

YANBU.
Having a dog is like having a permanent 2yr old & as much as I would love to be able to have a dog I don’t want one.
I find them to be very needy pets & their general energy just makes me anxious.
I also find having a dog in the house for longer than a day or two very stressful as the smell turns my stomach - constantly washing hands & blankets because they smell of dog - & they like to lick face, which I hate as it triggers my ick anxiety factor just like twisted, badly fitting, uncomfortable or tight clothes do.

The idea is lovely but not practical either as I have a physical disability that limits how much activity I can do on a daily basis.
Basic repetitive housework, because it drains me so much, & making meals like lasagne, spagbol, mince & dumplings or baking - all of which I used to do daily & weekly as part of my routine & love - are just beyond me.

Don’t get me wrong dog lovers I do like dogs just do not actually want one of my own, in my own home, 100% of the time.
I do however have cats, 3 of them, & they are much more my kind of animal, chilled out, annoying little fluff balls who demand little of me physically.
To be honest even before I became disabled the thought of having a dog although seeming like a nice idea was just too much commitment for my lifestyle where I was out of the house most days from early morning until late at night.
Also dog poop… 😵
…Cat poop, baby poop, my own poop I can manage but dog poop is nasty, stinks & again turns my stomach.
Despite all that above my brain still thinks how nice it would be to have a dog, sometimes, so I dog sit for friends & occasionally take friends dogs out for very short toilet break walks when they are going to be out all day at work or are busy with an appointment & although the dogs get love, cuddles & pets I am happy to take them back home after the walk & send them home with their owners after their sleepover at mine.

In essence some of us are dog people & some just aren’t. It doesn’t mean we hate dogs they just don’t fit, as a pet, or feel right for us.

Now on to your dog or me… sadly your dog will probably only live 6/10years so thinking about that would you really want to throw everything away for what is in essence a short amount of time; considering how long I assume you have been married.
Also dogs are loyal creatures who bond strongly to their pack, you are this dogs pack, & if you were to ‘get rid’ of the dog it would hurt the dog immensely. They would remember you forever & forever wonder what they did wrong & where you went.
If you wouldn’t re-home your children you can’t re-home the dog.
As long as your partner is doing the dog duties, scooping poops every day - for health & safety reasons this is a must not a maybe as dog poop is a hazardous waste like human poop - walking dog & dealing with all other dog related care, booking kennels, grooming, vets trips etc, I’d let him have his fill but no replacement when dog passes unless he actually wants a divorce.
At the end of the day you have tried it, it isn’t for you, you do not want another & that is final.

For the garden I would section it off, make a hard standing area for dog to toilet on so it can be properly disinfected 2x a day, by your husband, & get husband to fix the grass & flower borders.

This. Your husband didn't put the dog first when choosing it. A gsp was never going to be the dog for your circumstances. I have a spaniel and live in the countryside with a large garden.
My friend lives on a farm and has 3 collies.

Another friend has a large labrador and lives in a semi with a small garden.

One of the 3 of us has problems with dog ownership. Obvious which one of us.

I hope you can find a solution.

Just wanted to empathise with you OP, DH and I have always been dog people, we absolutely love them, grew up with them, and had one right from the moment we bought our first house together. For lots of reasons we were without a dog for a few years (mostly family & medical reasons) but a few years ago we couldnt wait any longer and a puppy came in to our lives. Now we all absolutely adore the dog but hes a neurotic mess and cannot be left on his own at all. All of a sudden my world has shrunk, ive lost my freedom to a large extent and im finding it hard. Weve worked with behaviourists and the vets and hes now on anti anxiety meds which help a tiny bit and we understand why hes like he is, but that doesnt mean i dont find it frustrating that we cant go out as a family unless the dog comes too its ver restrictive. I can only imagine how this would feel if i didnt love him so much, so to be in your shoes must be very tough. The only advice i can give is its true, the puppy stage lasts a long time, esp in some higher strung breeds but it will pass. They will settle into a much calmer dog in the next year or 2 and it sounds like your DH is doing the right things. As well as long walks, lots of mind and scent games like hunting for treats, scatter feeding dinner or hiding it in an empty toilet roll with the ends folded over (only dry kibble, not wet food though obvs!) will wear the dog out faster than a walk. There are loads of tiring games suggestions online. Also making sure they are feed a high quality dog food and natural treats like antlers, dried chicken feet, bully sticks etc can also help as otherwise its like feeding your kids maccy ds every day and expecting them to not be hyper (website called allaboutdogfood is brilliant) Also talking to a behaviourist can help too, just incase there is something you can do extra you havent already tried. In the garden, you could picket fence off a small portion that the dog is allowed in so as not to ruin your whole garden. (Apologies if anything above already suggested - i tried to RTFT but its so long!)
Good luck OP, it will get easier and once you dont feel the (understandable) resentment , you might really learn to love your dog, they do make the most wonderful companions. I could never feel unloved while i have mine and stroking a dog is a great stress reliever!

Aww OP, I feel for you even more. I felt sick just reading your update. I can’t imagine struggling this much in your own home!

Agree.
They’d have been so much better off with a pug, cavapoo or greyhound (aka the fastest couch potatoes) & cordoning off the garden to start with would have hopefully limited that damage but it so done now.
Doggy panniers weighted with water bottles & poop bags would help make those walks more of a work out but yep the husband has chose the wrong type of dog for a standard family life & home.

This entirely

i do like dogs but they do smell, shed hair, slobber and shit which I can’t be arsed dealing with, plus are a huge restriction on your life and a massive money suck, hence why I don’t have one of my own.

the husband is being totally unreasonable. His wife tried with the dog, it hasn’t worked. She doesn’t have to try more, or harder, or create a bond with the dog. Sometimes things in life don’t work out as planned. Whilst it’s not ideal to rehome the dog, nor is it the end of the world. It’s still only very young so should be able to find a home easily and deserves a home where everyone wants it and it will thrive. That the husband would choose a dog that will be dead in 12 - 15 years or so over his wife and marriage is mind boggling. But if he really would do that, then leave him and his animal to it.

This is tough. We have a dog too (I also said no for years and then changed my mind at the start of Covid when kids were bored). I also said I would not do any poo picking and that still is my husband’s responsibility. We have a different breed (a poodle mix) but we have trained the dog to do all the business outside. There’s absolutely no poo or wee in the garden. When the dog needs to go, she gives a little bark and we take her to the road, park, unless we are walking anyway. I wonder if you could get the dog dog trained that the garden is out of boundaries (which is what we did with ours) and I think situation will be much better. Dogs are very clever, they learn quickly. Good luck!

Now on to your dog or me… sadly your dog will probably only live 6/10years so thinking about that would you really want to throw everything away for what is in essence a short amount of time; considering how long I assume you have been married.

well this applies to the husband too surely?

*Also dogs are loyal creatures who bond strongly to their pack, you are this dogs pack, & if you were to ‘get rid’ of the dog it would hurt the dog immensely. They would remember you forever & forever wonder what they did wrong & where you went.

If you wouldn’t re-home your children you can’t re-home the dog.*

ah come on this is nonsense. Dogs get rehomed all the time and whilst I agree it is not an ideal situation, it’s wellbeing and happiness is not more important than the OP. It is also not comparable to children, no matter how much pet owners claim it is or love their animals.

My friend has a dog. Her house and garden look like a show home and there are minimal hairs and no smell.
She works at it.
Dog is bathed, brushed and deodorized regular.
After walks dog wears a poncho thing in the car.
Dog is supervised in the garden.
Areas dog goes in are vacuumed several times a day.
She has no crate (believes it to be cruel) or dog bed. Dog sits/sleeps on the sofa on its own frequently washed blanket.
She uses a dog sitter for holidays.
Your dog could be far less intrusive if your DH put the work in to keep the it clean and adequately supervised, and cleaned up after it. I'd be telling him this.

What a difficult situation.

Seeing as you are not interested in making any moves towards enjoying dog ownership (not a slight - perfectly within your rights) there really are only 2 options, and both will lead to resentment.

I have a dog I'm assuming is roughly the same age is yours, and sometimes he is hard work but luckily, I adore him. I am his main care giver, and that's ok because me and my DP went in to this knowing I would be.

If my partner came home today and said the dog had to go I really don't know how I'd react. And if he did go I don't know how I'd feel towards my partner afterwards, as he will knowingly have caused me pain.

On the flip side, I can't imagine having to deal with the less enjoyable sides of dog ownership (monthly costs, for one!) if I feel nothing towards the dog.

I haven't read the whole thread, read the OP comments but may have missed it - didn't see any mention of how your children feel towards the dog?

This is probably not any consolation but I have more recently wondered if having a dog instead of a cat might be right for us. After reading your situation and completely relating to all of it-I realise that I am definitely not a dog person and can’t imagine ever being so. I am sure you have made anyone in my situation really face up to the requirements of dog ownership. You had the generosity to try with all your misgivings, and my heart goes out to you for such a difficult situation.

There is nothing ugly about GSPs! They’re beautiful, noble-looking dogs - every time I take mine out I have people complimenting me on his looks because he’s so striking.

I agree - I wouldn't choose one myself because I just couldn't manage such an energetic large dog, but aesthetically they are stunning - absolutely beautiful animals.

Not that it is particularly important to the story, but I think posters are getting confused between 2 different breeds... the OP has a GSP - a German Shorthaired Pointer (which no one could ever claim are ugly! And also not that big, mine is smaller than an average lab). She doesn't have a GSD - a German Shepherd!

I agree - absolutely beautiful dogs - particularly the liver-coloured ones. But I like hounds - Weimaraners, Vizslas, Dalmatians, greyhounds etc.

The GSPs I've met couldn't be described as small - they certainly don't have the heft of the average lab, though. Elegant dogs.

I feel for you but your post has absolutely reinforced my refusal to get a dog even though husband and kids nag me constantly . My idea of hell . I’d say stick to your guns and say the dog has to go . It deserves a home where the owners both love it. Good luck !