Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I’m a dog lover and adore mine, but they are hard work… years ago our first dog as a couple was a pointer… my god they have endless energy, we had had them as family dogs but until I was the responsible adult living in our own house I hadn’t realised how much work the parents did 😆. He completely took over our house, we could walk him for a couple of hours and he would be like what are we doing now! That said he was a beautiful, faithful dog who we adored… since we’ve had smaller spaniels which are easier, pointers are very trainable, my friends does not go to the loo in her garden at all, he’s walked at the same times each day and only goes on walks… is that possible with your husbands work routine? Or he should be clearing the garden a few times a day, my spaniel before she passed had bladder cancer, the smell from her wee was terrible but I hosed the garden every time she went out until she passed unless it was raining, training classes might help, your husband needs to step up his commitment to take pressure in the house off you or compromise on where the dog is allowed to go… I know not everyone wants to restrict them, ours go everywhere except our bed but maybe it could stay off all furniture? I Hoover minimum once a day for hair, often twice… could he do that or a robot Hoover? A day a week at doggy day care so you have a day dog free? There is a guy who comes once a week and borrows my mother in laws dog after he lost his, it works for him as he can’t manage a dog full time, they found each other through word of mouth, it’s a big help to her and he enjoys it could you look for anyone who might dog share… I know this would take a while to find and trust someone I really hope you find a solution. We recently had a terrible trauma as a family and I can I honestly feel like my dog kept me sane and has got me through it xx

Why is the garden full of 💩 if your OH is doing the doggy duties? it really should be picked up daily. Is the dog just being left to his own devices in the garden and that's why he's tearing it up?

I haven’t read all the messages but it will get better. I love dogs but was in for a shock when we got our first puppy. Hard work was a understatement! She still has crazy moments but nowhere near the mess and destruction. Could you try taking the dog to training yourself to create a bond?

I love dogs and have worked with them and had them all my life but I think your husband has behaved absolutely disgracefully and I would be seeing this as him making the marriage impossible deliberately.

I would be happy to let him go under these circumstances. He has behaved atrociously and the calculated element of it would make me glad to see the back of him.

He will frame it as you being the villain of the piece too. What a wanker.

For the first time since I was a tiny child, I don't have a dog. It was hard at first but now, I've decided I won't get another. 10% of the cleaning that I used to do. No dog food bills, no vet bills and I hadn't realised how much of my thinking they took up until they were absent. I will dog sit instead so I get my doggy fix.

If I were her DH the fact that she "can't be bothered" to try and improve the situation and just wants her DH to get rid of the dog - I wouldn't want to continue in a relationship with someone like this.

If he feels so strongly about keeping the dog, why doesn't he keep his part of the bargain by ensuring the dog is properly trained, and that he is responsible for keeping the garden. house clean?

This isn't on the OP - it is on the person who wanted the dog, insisted that it was THIS breed of dog, promised to train, exercise and clear up after the dog and (implicitly) ensure that the dog didn't impact adversely upon the OP.

Your DH has chosen wrongly I think knowing how against having a dog you were. A compromise would have been to take an older rescue dog.
I was never overly keen on getting a dog but did for my daughter’s sake. The puppy and teenage stage was hard work but now she has calmed down and I can honestly say that I regard her as one of the family and wouldn’t be with out her. If your husband dog proofs the garden, and the house, does all the cleaning and poo picking, maybe you can bear it a little longer till the dog matures and is better trained. How do you feel about going on walks with your DH and the dog. You may find it enjoyable. I do think though that you have been very generous and your DH has not compromised at all in considering your feelings.

I have a friend who loves dogs, he spent wasted £600 on a puppy less than a month after his previous dog (over a decade old) died. 6 months on and he's deeply, deeply regretting it. He got the previous dog when it was over a year old and had already been trained - he freely admits he had no idea how difficult a puppy would be....especially as the dog is a larger breed than the previous one and is already the same size at just 7 months. The poor thing seems to spend 95% of it's life stuck in a crate. He has seriously thought (and still thinks) about rehoming, as he knows he's not giving it the life it needs.

Mind blown at al these people saying they would/ their partner would pick a dog over them/oh....surely if you know that then it's time to sack of the relationship.......

Problem is, you set an ultimatum, which means you threatened to leave / have threatened to leave, In your husbands mind, I would imagine that will have put a massive fissure in the bond between you. You might be able to work it out, but I think you have to learn to love the dog, or at least accept it.

Your husband loves the dog, if you love him you need to find a place for the dog. That doesn't mean no ground rules and the dog runs rings round everything - but I think getting rid of the dog would be terrible decision.

Hope it all works out.

I love my dog very much, and I love my garden very much. Dogs can be garden trained re. poo, digging, get-off-the-beds-and-borders and ours is. Because we have space and she loves to dig she is allowed one hole under a big bush (where she spent the heat wave keeping cool.)
Can you compromise on my-garden, your-dog? Either not let dog in at all, or never unsupervised, or have you space to make a fenced in bit for the dog?

I couldn't lose my garden to a dog. I could live with the house bother.

I totally sympathise. Same thing happened with my auntie and uncle, she bought a dog, he never wanted a dog, they’re divorced now. If my husband came home with a dog I would divorce him there and then! He’s kind of railroaded you into doing what HE wants and he hoped you would change your mind. You haven’t. He seems to value the dog over you. I would leave.

This reminds me of something I heard recently where a woman left her husband because he kept leaving his glass on the kitchen counter and despite her asking him to please put it in the dishwasher, he never did.

The point was, it wasn’t about the glass. It was about the fact he didn’t consider her point of view enough to do something as small as put it in the dishwasher.

I think this isn’t about the dog? It’s about the lack of consideration your husband had before you got the dog. And probably a lack of consideration elsewhere in your relationship. You could find that dog the cutest thing on earth but you don’t want to bond with it because of what it represents.

I’m so sorry for you and I think you need an honest conversation with your husband that doesn’t involve the subject of the dog.

I can't believe people are saying OP is to blame for not compromising when the DH wouldn't even compromise on the breed of dog and insisted on getting one of the more intense breeds that really impose on your life.

No, it's not wrong as such, but it does mean that you and the dog cannot co-exist, a dog cannot live in a house where someone doesn't want it, they're clever animals and will be able to pick up on it which is likely making it anxious, which will be contributing to it's behavioural issues.

There is nothing ugly about GSPs! They’re beautiful, noble-looking dogs - every time I take mine out I have people complimenting me on his looks because he’s so striking.

And they’re not big dogs - not compared to labradors or alsatians.

GSPs do make lovely family pets, provided everyone in the household is invested in training them and taking care of them, and is willing to ride out the difficult first 18 months. The problem here is not the breed - it’s the lack of effort from the OP’s DH, and the fact that the OP never really wanted the dog in the first place.

I do completely agree with this though, you have done all the compromising here, your husband could have agreed on a smaller, more manageable dog! I'm guessing he isn't great at meeting you in the middle in general?

This. He’s being unreasonable. Sorry but maybe you’re better off without him .

Aw this is very tricky. I have a whippet they are very low maintenance, lazy dogs a lot easier than a GSD to look after. BUT as a puppy he used to dig up the garden , he also tore up my kitchen floor and ripped up a bit of the stair carpet! I remember crying thinking what have I done I had an 20 month old and was exhausted. However he very quickly grew out of that behaviour, he’s my running partner and I would never be without him. I understand GSDs are working dogs though and do need a lot of training and work so I do empathise. I think maybe your husband should have chosen a more suitable breed for your family as you say he’s big and moults. It is too late now though and he loves the dog so you will either need to learn to love him too or it will be the end of your relationship which is very sad. I think a good chat needs to be made with your husband about how you feel and see if there’s anything that would help maybe more training for the dog.

Also, I'm finding the histrionics from the OP a little hard to swallow - given her disgusted descriptions of the dog's "nasty, smelly bed" etc, I seriously doubt things are anywhere near as she describes.

A great many dogs do stink. It's only their owners think they don't.

She just doesn't like dogs

Not everyone likes dogs, just as not everyone likes children. Dog owners, just like parents, can't expect others to be as enamoured with their little darlings as they are. Doesn't make them monsters.

and that's an issue because she agreed for her DH to get one.

It's an issue because her DH wore her down for years and was well aware of her opposition. He still insisted, down to choosing a totally impractical breed for their home and lifestyle: again against the wishes of OP. Now things predictably haven't gone to plan, he doesn't give a shit about her wellbeing but is choosing the dog he's had for the blink of an eye over his wife. I'd say that was the problem.

Marriage is about compromise. If some person absolutely loves dogs and the other does not want a dog, the compromise is that the dog lover borrows a dog sometimes from a friend to take on a day out, helps a local person with dog walking (via the Cinnamon Trust), or finds some time in their schedule to help out at the local dog shelter.

A dog-nagger, however, (I mean someone who whines on and on about wanting a bloody dog) will only rarely agree to do the above, because “Well, I don’t have time to do the Cinnamon Trust/dog shelter commitment.”

Bingo. That’s the answer to the dog-nagger’s inquiries. If you don’t have time to do dog-borrowing or dog-volunteering, how will you find the time to look after your own dog?

And the real answer to this is that the dog-nagger does not, really, in their heart, plan on making time properly for this dog. They want The Woman in the family to drag around vacuuming dog hair, washing smells out of everything, getting poo out of the garden, doing the training and walking whenever it’s not “fun” (which is most of the time). They just want the ego boost of getting welcoming barks when they get home, and doing the enjoyable bits like taking the dog to the park during perfect weather when they have nothing else to do.

This. Constant begging for years and faithful promises to look after the dog, do this, do that, are enough to wear a person down eventually.

The OP should have stood firm, but her husband should not have pushed the issue in the first place.

No advice but I can completely sympathise. We had a puppy literally dropped off with us during COVID. It came from a connection to my side of family and because with us this I constantly got the blame when he done something wrong and it caused countless massive arguments with my husband. The first couple of years were hell. He was a destroying machine. A normal day would have him leaving the garden looking like WW1 trenches or getting into the car and completely shredding the seatbelts He cost thousands in damages. He’s three now and although not perfect he’s so much better. The kids have always adored him. We went on a short break recently and they were lost without him so much so on the long car journey home they didn’t want to stop for toilet/meal breaks. 🤷‍♀️ God love him the kids say I’m his favourite but my husband has a very love/ hate relationship with him.

I completely sympathise with you, having been in a similar situation for years. DH a true dog person, and me not particularly. He has arrived home over the years with rescues (not even a discussion) and I just realised our house would never be dog free. I think the problem you have here is that you were pretty much railroaded in to having this breed, and had you been considered more in the choosing, it wouldn’t be such a big issue. Unfortunately, now every hair, every poo, every bit of damage is infuriating, and as mad as it sounds, you feel like an outsider to your DH and the dog, who he clearly adores. I made sure with our latest dog that I got to choose, and I cannot tell you the difference on how I feel towards her. We bonded instantly, and am now the one telling her when I leave the house that mummy won’t be long!
I think your DH needs to be more considerate with cleaning up the dogs mess and ensuring the dog does not wreck your space. It doesn’t have to be like this. Maybe you could join DH on the walks or go alone, so you can really get to know this little dog, who at the end of the day are wonderful little companions, and only want to please. Great exercise too, which will help with your situation. I think work has to be done on both sides. It would be so sad to lose your marriage over a dog.

Wow - I’m shocked at all those saying they too would leave spouse rather than leave the dog! So on the metaphorical sinking ship with two life belts - one for you, you would give the other to the dog rather than your spouse? It’s crazy.

No answers but the choice of breed was bonkers (if you could rewind I'd have stuck to small dog or at least a calm one)....
As it is I think you'll have to call his bluff.
The only alternative being take it to dog obedience training yourself so both bonding, getting a better dog & rubbing OH nose that the dog respects you (yes I know it's childish)
🙄🙄🙄