Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I know someone who got a border Collie. Her kids wanted a dog but she soon realised she had got the wrong breed. They are high energy dogs and they were literally just walking it around the block. Couldn't cope with the poor pup so ended up rehoming.

What a shame
I have 2 dogs and love them to death. But realise they’re not everyone’s cup of tea!

it’s very difficult but could you try to bond with the dog? Maybe you could pop him on a lead and walk him into garden? Let him wee and poo and not allow the digging? Or even a quick walk round the block ?
my mum and dad had a paved area out of view and our childhood dog was trained to only go to the toilet in that area..
Maybe you could have a little area and train the dog to go on a piece of Astro turf?
I know you said you agreed that you would never walk the dog etc but some nice family walks together might help?
Dogs can be a real joy, but you do need to open your heart to it,
I really sympathise with your situation but you did allow your husband to get a dog, you also allowed him to get a working breed that require A LOT of stimulation, not just exercise to tire the body but brain work also…. Play games that makes him use his brain and nose, buy a snuffle mat or a puzzle and rather than feeding in a bowl hide his food in these things and make him work for it??
At about your dogs age they’re going through the rebellious teenage years too, so particularly difficult..
I feel the only solution here is to try to bond with the dog, your husband loves him and doesn’t want to get rid of him, so you are left with very few choices. I do feel that your best option here is to learn to love this dog, you’ll have it for the next decade after all!

OP I feel so sorry for you. We had a dog (that we took on for its twilight years from a longstanding friend of the family who could no longer care for it). We had her 2 years. I wanted the best for the dog, and went through all the motions, it was very well cared-for as that was a responsibility i took seriously, and I was sad for it when it died. But I deeply resented having it and never got used to the loss of freedom, the constant smell and other gross things dogs do like puking and then eating it, drooling etc, and having to pick up poo, including inside towards the very end. The whole thing quite frankly turned my stomach. DH on the other hand loved it. And I'm sure the dog knew as, despite me being the one who mainly fed, walked and petted it (I had shorter working hours) it massively preferred DH.

Now we have kids and DH is desperate for a dog but no way I will have one. I want another child, he gets to veto that, so why shouldn't I veto a dog?

None of this helps you, sorry. Except to say you feelings are valid and it doesn't make you a bad person.

Ulanbelka, I'm not a dog lover, I've had dogs but I still don't "get" them and I have total sympathy with you. You are caught in a double bind now, keep your partner and lose the dog (but keep all the resentment and anger he will carry) or lose the partner and the dog and have to start your whole life over. There doesn't seem to be a simple way out of this for either of you (or the dog).

I've read all your posts but not all the pps, I just came on to offer my sympathy with what sounds like an intractable situation and hope that you can find a way through.

I admire your honesty OP and I say that as an absolute dog lover. I just feel so very sad for you all, especially you and the dog. It is an impossible situation, I really hope for all of you that you’re able to find a happy solution.

@ulabella I feel sorry for you and I wanted to show some solidarity! I am a dog lover, grew up with dogs and my kids have been badgering for a dog since they were little but I knew all the work have to come down to me. I even went quite far a few years back and put down a deposit on my dream breed and bought a book about them but when it came to press the button, I knew I could not commit to it. The DCs are now 13 and 15 and I have some regret knowing they will never have a dog but overall, the sacrifices to have a dog would have been too much for me. I have a few more years before I can travel more freely again etc. It's a lifestyle choice IMO and if you are not totally committed to it, you cannot choose it. So, I fully understand the regret. I was so close and I thank my lucky stars my sensible side saw sense!

I did adopt a cat two years ago and even then, I took two friends I knew I could depend on to cat sit with me to see her where she was being fostered. I needed their buy in before I would even consider it. I love my cat and she is super independent and doesn't seem that bothered if I am away as long as someone pops in to feed her (but I still feel guilty and often just have my friend(s) stay over). But even then, there are some restrictions with owning a cat which confirms to be even more than ever that a dog is completely out of the question for me. But on balance, my cat is just about worth all the trouble. But now I can say with certainty, a dog won't be for me at this stage of my life.

You didn't say how old your children are. Are they involved with the dog at all? How do they feel about the situation? I think you have been clear you don't want the dog in your house, it's just what you do now with that information. Hugs! I hope it all works out.

i am a dog lover (I’ve recently acquired a second dog - now 6 months old so we are going through the puppy stage!)
Despite the fact that your DH obviously did his homework before acquiring the dog personally I don’t think this breed is a suitable first time dog owner. A smaller, non shedding dog would have been a better choice. You may well then have bonded with the dog and shared your DH’s obvious delight in doggy ownership. However your problem now is that DH loves the dog and clearly doesn’t want to give it up whereas it’s ruining your life. It sounds as if your dog is very hyper - puppy or otherwise. The breed is a working dog that needs lots of exercise and stimulation. Perhaps some expert advice here is called for, your DH might think he’s training the dog but if he’s not experienced then maybe it’s time for a professional to step in.

If the dog is being walked regularly then you shouldn’t have poo all over the garden. Dog should be doing this mainly on walks but DH should be cleaning it up when dog does use the garden. Don’t let the dog in the garden unsupervised. If your garden is large enough dog can have structured exercise there. If it’s small then clearly you can’t have a large dog rampaging around.
I’d like to suggest you take part in some of the dog’s life, walking, training, feeding etc to create a bond and you might see the positives of dog ownership when the dog responds to you rather than just negatives. However I think that’s probably not going to happen which is in no way your fault. You made your position clear and DH chose to ignore you.

There's a very important paragraph near the end of your original post and, if it was me in your situation, it's all the info I'd need...

we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

Despite the special bond, all that you've gone through together, the children, the long marriage etc etc, he chose the dog.

It's really difficult when you're confronted with the truth, and it's sad and scary and painful.

He is not as invested in the marriage as you are.
There is no 'special bond' for him.
The journey you've had together is less important than new dog.
He's rather have the dog in his life than you.

He harrassed you for years until you agreed to his wishes (knowing full well you absolutely did not want a dog).

You agreed, with clear conditions. Dog arrives. Husband isn't sticking to his side of the deal. You, unsurprisingly, are now suffering, as you knew you would AND as your husband knew you would.

Your only error, IMHO, is that you didn't put your foot down re size/breed - I sincerely believe that the outcome would have been different with a smaller, more manageable 'city' dog

I'm finding it difficult to understand what your dilemma is here - I'd be ushering him out of the door wishing him luck and happiness in his new life with dog, sans wife and family.

It may take you a few years to adapt, process the hurt and pain etc but it's better then 15-20 yrs of misery in your own home, and a poor dog who will always know, deep down, that you resent them and, for the most part, wish they weren't there.

I love dogs. Dogs were part of my life for the first 30 years of my life. I would love to have dogs as part of my family but it's not an option. I also totally understand that it's not for everyone.

Doesn't mean you're joyless, just that you're not a dog person.

Good luck.

Dogs older than 2 should calm down massively- can’t you have a no garden rule? I had a dog in a city for years and would just walk it around the block when it needed the loo

I'd go and talk to the breeder

I wouldn't; @Hankunamatata - any breeder that would sell a pup to such an obviously unsuitable home isn't worth a light. - unless the OP's DG lied to the breeder, too, and claimed a country estate and a working life for the dog.

I completely agree with this.

I felt a bit sorry for the OP at first, but having agreed to get the dog, I don't think that means that you totally wash your hands of EVERYTHING that it involves. DH is taking the lead and stepping up according to OP, but she doesn't want to try anything at all to help.

And bearing in mind the OP is at the point that her DH says he would rather keep the dog than remain in their marriage, I'd have thought that maybe they could work together to figure out a way to try and resolve things to the OP's satisfaction.

The fact that OP admits freely that she "can't be bothered" to try anything to improve the situation and is happy for her DH to be utterly heartbroken at losing his dog instead speaks volumes for their relationship.

Also, I'm finding the histrionics from the OP a little hard to swallow - given her disgusted descriptions of the dog's "nasty, smelly bed" etc, I seriously doubt things are anywhere near as she describes. She just doesn't like dogs - and that's an issue because she agreed for her DH to get one.

If I were her DH the fact that she "can't be bothered" to try and improve the situation and just wants her DH to get rid of the dog - I wouldn't want to continue in a relationship with someone like this. She doesn't give a shit about his happiness, and won't even try to make things work - that's not a decent, caring relationship. Hopefully her DH won't be "bothered" to carry on putting up with someone who's this selfish.

So much sympathy for you OP even though I'm very fond of dogs. My parents had a couple of medium sized rescue dogs - well trained, calm, and with very definite boundaries thanks to my dad, who had grown up with dogs. They were greatly loved, they lived to be very old, in good health, but they had boundaries. Neither of them slept in human beds or even on the furniture. They'd greet visitors, happy to be petted, then go off and do their own thing. They were trusted animal companions not fur babies. It sounds as though you have entirely the wrong dog for you. I've visited houses where the dog rules the roost, seems to be everywhere all the time, demanding attention, endless treats, begging at meal times and it would drive me nuts. Dog owning is a huge responsibility, and I think too many people don't understand just what a tie it is. As for people saying that they would choose the dog over their partner? Who on earth would want a partner who felt like that?

Okay, I’m not a dog person - I don’t understand how humans can share the space where they live, eat and sleep with an animal. Don’t come at me, dog huns. It’s just not the life for me and I will never have them.

I’d tell him how upset you are and firmly say unless he does better (picking up turds, replacing stuff that the dog ruins and takes it out for bloody hours so you get some peace) then tell him he and the dog can fuck off!

I understand what you are going through, and it’s really tough.

Can you think of one, even tiny thing that you can be grateful for to the dog for? Anything at all. Like it’s a good burger deterrent, you feel safer, your husband is happier, anything at all. If you can, then grip on to that one good thing and focus on that. make serious boundaries in your house and garden.

cordon off areas that the dog is not allowed enter and take back what you need in your home.

Give it another few months and see if there is even a glimmer of a future with the dog because the dog and your husband go together now.

all the very best.

I am really astonished by many of the answers you have received on this question.
You didn't want a dog, you held firm till you weakened but still laid boundaries, you tried to go for a smaller dog. You've been bulldozed into having one you didn't want anyway and it has ruined your peaceful enjoyment of your home and garden.
I would wave bye to your husband who has voted for the dog over his longstanding relationship with you. You are not and never were being unreasonable.

Reading your posts @ulabella you don't want to bond with the dog, you aren't interested in doing the activities that some people have suggested. You just don't want to be a dog owner & never have.

While I think it's odd that anyone would agree to having one when you're that against them even with the pressure, to too it this is a huge lump of a GSD that not only needs stimulation but are real people dogs. I also think that this say's something about your relationship with your DH, it clearly isn't an equal partnership as such.

I almost see this as this dog has become the centre of tension in your relationship but really it might be about something else? Like you're struggling to separate or admit to one another that the relationship is done. I done know this of course & it's just a theory.

I am not sure what you should do but I don't think it's going to be resolved, if it were me I prefer the company of dogs so it would be a no brainer!

@StalkedByASpider and @Stompythedinosaur Why do you seek to blame OP she was reluctant but he insisted he would not listen, No compromise, He and his hobby won the day.
She has tried to accommodate the awful dog but is now overwhelmed. That is why she has given up she can do nothing to alleviate this.
The Husbands hobby, the dog has ruined her hobby, the garden. There is no report that Husband has done things like construct a fence or a pen for the dog.
YOU all think it is up to the OP to fabricate these compromises.
Is it really?

I agree with this

I have not read the whole thread which is a cardinal sin I accept. still going to chip in. and I am a dog lover.

this is a working dog, not a family pet, it sounds like you (as a family) are asking this dog to conform to two very different roles. he works or he's a pet, it is not fair for your dh to be working him then the dog being expected to fit into family life. most working dogs I know are content to loll about between activity. I think you're (particularly dh ) asking too much of the dog. is the dog lonely? I know lots of farming families where the working dogs live happily separate from family dog/pets but not on their own

Why should she be bothered. She made it clear she didn't want one in the first place. Not like she deceived her husband under a false pretence.

If my husband wants to choose a dog over me I will happily watch him walk away

I would speak with the breeder. most responsible ones will want to help as much as possible, even to relocate the dog to a more suitable environment.

then tell DH what the breeder says. It sounds to me like he picked the wrong breed to start with considering your living circumstances.

It's in the dog's best interests to be relocated.

I don't know if this is correct, OP was very adamant that she didn't want to do anything to make hers or her dh's life easier by trying to do any sort of compromise. This relationship can't work if there's no compromise.

The dog is there, the suggestions made only alienated the dog from the family which defeats the object of having a dog in the first place. And the fact is that op doesn't want a dog anyway.

As soon as dog arrived you'd know quite quickly if you'd be able to cope, instead op has waited 2 years to say they no longer can cope.

That said I do think that the relationship isn't going to survive whether they keep dog or not.

Not interested and not my thing. I don't want to bond with it and frankly don't have the time or energy for all this.
This along with other comments are just pathetic, you brought this dog into your home and life but made no effort to adapt, that poor dog who no doubts loves his family and is likely to be rejected, I'd end my relationship if given an ultimatum over my dogs.