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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very difficult situation

774 replies

ulabella · 14/03/2023 07:50

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

OP posts:
BustyLaRoux · 15/03/2023 20:06

I really feel for you. I don’t like dogs at all. I would never ever have a dog. Not ever. I don’t want the smell of dog in my house, the dog hair, the hassle, the inability to just go off for the weekend, their food, their poo, the destroying of the house and garden, having to walk it, train it, it’s slobber….. I absolutely cannot stand dogs so I absolutely get why you wouldn’t want one and it was wrong of your partner to wear you down the way he did. It’s not like a different kind of pet which is lower maintenance, a dog takes over every aspect of your life. It is like adding a child into the mix. Your partner knew how you felt. And he cajoled you into agreeing. My DP would love a dog and I have shut that conversation down every time flat because I don’t want to give him the impression I might be persuaded. I won’t be. I don’t want a fucking dog. I dislike them intensely. And if he wants one that bad it really is me or a dog as I could never live with one. I can see you were effectively bullied into this and I think it is for him to find a workable solution, but I don’t know what that would be because he sounds like having bullied you into this he is now giving you an ultimatum unless you continue doing what he wants! (Honestly you might want to get rid of the DH at the same time as the dog!!)

BansheeofInisherin · 15/03/2023 20:09

Not for the OP, but just generally musing: My SIL has 3 rumbunctious boys from 18 to 10, and works full time, as does her husband. Boys and husband pushed her to get a dog, promising to do all the work. She said no, but they wore her down after years of begging. They also insisted on a German shepherd.

Two years later my SIL does all the work, as the boys have buggered off to uni or refuse to walk it, her husband works long hours further away. She can't travel anywhere as the dog refuses to stay in a kennel, spends all hours walking it, and is generally trapped. It's always the woman who ends up doing all the work to keep thr rest of the family happy.

scatmanjohn · 15/03/2023 20:09

Oh my goodness I never post on threads as had forgotten my password but just reset now so I can reply to the op. I have been completely in your position and understand exactly what you are saying and genuinely agree this was one of the reasons my marriage split up. It’s very hard to explain to dog lovers that I am just not, even a guests dog in my house puts me on edge, the slobbering, the smell, I am just really umcomfortable with it. but similar to the op my husband had been brought up with dogs as a family pet, made a house a home etc and we argued and argued for years about it. I remember crying saying I won’t feel comfortable bringing my friends round (dramatic I know but I honestly don’t feel comfortable around dogs so didn’t expect my friends too either.) I know I will get a lot of stick for this but I am just not a dog lover I have nothing against people enjoying dogs themselves but the thought of one living with us literally brought me to tears. But my husband was the complete opposite couldn’t live without one. No advice really but just wanted to show solidarity x

MamaLazerou · 15/03/2023 20:15

Despite the dog trainer and the suggestion that the dog is trained, it is clearly not fulfilled. I don’t agree with all they say, but Southend Dog Training would be a good start to add some breed fulfilment and an off switch for the dog. It is not normal for them to dig if they are challenged and engaged with their owner. I understand you don’t want this to be you but maybe your husband can do more to fulfill the dogs needs.

oopswhatdoido · 15/03/2023 20:16

It was really irresponsible of your husband to get a dog that requires so much work when you didn't want a dog at all. It's unfair to have such an active dog in a small space.

We recently got a dog, DH wanted a German shepherd but we compromised on a smaller dog. Even at that, he requires a lot of work and commitment. Someone always has to be home, he has to be walked three times a day and although he hasn't damaged furniture, he pulls things out of the bin making a lot of mess every day! I can't imagine putting in this work for a dog I didn't love so can see where you are coming from

barbmlade · 15/03/2023 20:18

Here is some constructive advice:

1 wait until the dog is 18 months old.
2 stop letting him in the garden unsupervised
3 give him a designated area e.g kitchen. So you can have a calm home but he lives in the kitchen until he is older and better behaved?
4 give your husband a time limit to get him properly trained and you must participate so you have the same authority over him.
5 the relationship has not run its course.... don't listen to such nonsense. It might feel like that but this is just a season, like the kids toddler years. It gets better I promise x

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/03/2023 20:20

MamaLazerou · 15/03/2023 20:15

Despite the dog trainer and the suggestion that the dog is trained, it is clearly not fulfilled. I don’t agree with all they say, but Southend Dog Training would be a good start to add some breed fulfilment and an off switch for the dog. It is not normal for them to dig if they are challenged and engaged with their owner. I understand you don’t want this to be you but maybe your husband can do more to fulfill the dogs needs.

Not them, nor anyone that trains 'their way' - its force based, using pain and fear to achieve results and if that man ever talks sense, its only what sensible, science based trainers would say anyway.

This dog has enough to contend with as it is, without seeing a trainer who recommends shock collars and other pain based training that is proven to be less effective AND more dangerous (to the dog and to others as a result of the damage to the dog) than non-aversive training!

barbmlade · 15/03/2023 20:21

And get a good doggie day care place for your own sanity?

augmum · 15/03/2023 20:23

I totally understand this, dogs are bloody brilliant but I don't feel the way dog lovers do and thats why I wouldn't get one as I don't think it's fair when a dog could have a better life with some one who would not find them stressful.
They are like newborns with legs, my sister has a gsp and quite honestly the only dog I've ever truly enjoyed and really care for, but it doesn't mean I want him and to take care of him he's a bloody nightmare.
Gsps are hard generally puppy brained for years, there are things to put in their water to stop their urine being toxic, a small win but something at least.

In terms of your marriage, I do believe you are going to have to find a way to bond with the dog yourself, if not for you then for your husband as if this is something he truly wants and as awful as the fact is, dogs are only here for such short parts of our lives and if your husband has always wanted one, I think it's fair he gets to experience that.
It will calm down, in the meantime definitely take up training and take him yourself so you learn what he needs to better help him be calm, he means no malice he is really just a happy dog just loving the world.

Gardens always regrow, furniture can be repaired or repurchased. Marriages once tarnished can stay tarnished. As some one who truly feels the way you do about dogs and would feel the same in your situation I truly urge you to consider weather it's the things you have in life or the people that make it worthwhile. Don't lose your husband over the dog, and don't lose yourself either. Find new ways and be patient.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 15/03/2023 20:23

Good advice from barm there. I would add that IME the age of around six months is the hardest - it gets easier after that. Maybe that's where you are now? Can you fence off a bit of the garden for him? If not, get DH to take him in the garden on a lead when he needs to go, and then bring him back in so he doesn't get the chance to trash the place. I also agree that you'd be throwing the baby out with the bath water if you split with DH over this. Good luck.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 15/03/2023 20:24

Dog lover and owner here. Your DH is either an irresponsible idiot or a disrespectful liar. Idiot if he chose a dog based on looks rather than temperament and suitability for the WHOLE family. Liar if he knew what it would be like and told you it would be different. He could clean every day, make sure all surfaces in the house are easy to clean, fence off some of the garden for the dog to do its business and keep it out of the rest. I hope he is taking it to training classes but I would guess he is not. YANBU - to be honest I think the writing was on the wall when you raised valid concerns and suggested an alternative and he dismissed it. Having said that, as a life long dog owner, being in a relationship with someone who doesn't like dogs or want them around would be a deal breaker for me.

bozzabollix · 15/03/2023 20:31

Given you finally relented you did agree in some form, which is a commitment.

I have a dog under a year and yes whilst she drives me nuts at times she’s our responsibility and she’s staying. Being an experienced dog owner it won’t last and she’ll be an absolute joy. Dogs can be shaped and trained, and rather than seeing it just as your husbands responsibility why not get involved in that too? You never know you might end up loving the dog too.

If I had that ultimatum I’d tell my husband to sling his hook, not because I love him less than our dogs, but because it’d take a hell of a cold attitude to sling a dog out into rescue. It’s absolutely tragic for them, and if he could handle that guilt free I wouldn’t want a bar of him.

Noangelbuthavingfun · 15/03/2023 20:32

@ulabella sorry this isn't going to be what you want to hear but it was irresponsible on both sides to get the dog....if it was a compromise on your side it should have been a smaller dog too. No one should get a gun dog if one petson doesn't even want it! A dog is for life and there's good reason. You could have done borrow my doggy or similar first to see if it works. But you are where you are and it is evident you feel shit...but also putting your foot down. Unfortunately I see 3 losers in this situation and the poor dog isn't to blame... perhaps set a target of 2 years for you all - I.e. if dog not calmed down and you are not on board then the next step happens. I think given that you agreed u now need to give it time and you are giving up too soon. Whatever happens I hope the poor dog gets a good outcome and the life it deserves

Twillow · 15/03/2023 20:32

ItsCalledAConversation · 14/03/2023 08:09

This sounds really strange to me. The poor dog will be picking up on the anxiety and tension you know. I’d be wondering what more there is behind this, why you are so against the dog and judgemental/resentful of his existence. You sound very joyless. Perhaps if you engaged in the walks and training yourself, you’d find the dog (and the husband) are not as awful as you seem to have decided they are?

I don't agree. If you are a dog lover you will have no insight into the stress that a dog creates in a non-dog-lover. The constant need for attention, the dirt, the chewing and destruction, the licking, the hair everywhere...
If you are a dog lover, none of this will create stress for you. You see it as part and parcel of the 'joy' of having a dog. To others, myself included, who live with a dog not by choice, it is like existing with a huge toddler that you cannot have a conversation with.

mellicauli · 15/03/2023 20:33

You have been demoted down the pecking order which is now 1) DH 2) Dog 3) You. I wouldn't be staying a relationship under those circumstances.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/03/2023 20:40

Cocobutt · 15/03/2023 19:04

Also smaller dogs are usually much more difficult so don’t think the size was a mistake.

Rubbish!

It depends very much on a) the breed and b) the temperament of the particular dog.

We've had big dogs in the house (great dane) and small ones (a toy-sized yorkshire terrier) and dogs in between.

One thing that a big dog can do that a small one can't is pull you over. Small dogs are much more (physically) controllable, they don't knock you flying if they are badly trained and jump up, and they can't do as much damage. Some breeds (whether large or small) are more easily trainable than others, because that is how they are bred. Others are bred to work independently and aren't easy to train - and again that can be a large or a small breed.

Small dogs do tend to be noisier, though.

2amthoughts · 15/03/2023 20:41

All posts aside op. Your feelings matter. Your wants and ambitions out of life matter.

After 2 kids and major sacrifices that come along with them, you are allowed to live life for you finally.

StarsSunmoon · 15/03/2023 20:47

It’s really hard OP. If he chooses you he will grieve for the dog. I know all too well as I went through this with DP! It was awful it was as if he had lost a close relative. You can get through it - we did.

When I met DP he had got his dog 2 years previously- absolutely adored her. I am severely allergic to dogs and have a phobia. I worked so hard to overcome my fear and it was hard and when I moved in 7 months later I had to take daily antihistamines. I then got pregnant and had HG, couldn’t take my antihistamines and literally couldn’t stand to be near the dog and DP had to rehome her . He cried for over a week his face was so puffy he had to then go to the gp as couldn’t sleep and was prescribed antidepressants and for a further 4 months he was very much in the grieving process it was awful. He said he only did it because he thought I’d die as the smell of the dog was making me sicker and I’d lost so much weight and as I’d worked so hard to overcome my fear and taken medication daily he knew it was his turn to make a sacrifice . It was horrendous though

Motorina · 15/03/2023 20:53

I am a huge, huge dog person. I have three at the moment. I literally run my life around them.

I think your husband was 100% in the wrong to get a dog without everyone being on board, and you are entirely reasonable in not wanting your life to be disrupted in this way.

Sid077 · 15/03/2023 20:53

I love dogs but I empathise with you on this, our dogs live with my ex and I’m delighted to have a dog free home. I love them and look after them periodically but it triggers my anxiety. If you are going to rehome do it soon and I know people have strong views but if living with a dog is not for you then it’s not for you - you matter too.

2amthoughts · 15/03/2023 20:55

Also just want to say that your dp should of respected your first no and never pushed or pressured you.

If we replace dogs with children in this case, if someone doesn't want a kid it is never deemed okay to persist or blackmail or hassle someone into wanting one. I don't know why this doesn't apply to dogs. They are just as life changing and demanding. And they are a massive commitment that is so involved.

If you had posted on here that your dp wanted a child you but you didn't due to not wanting your life disturbed but he went on until you buckled there would be uproar right now from everyone.

People's love for dogs seems to blind all rationalism in these circumstances. I really think this was something that never should of been compromised on, just as someone who wants kids/vs doesn't can't really be compromised on. It's either a yes or a no but it should if been left at that. It seems your partner in this matter only seemed to care about his want over yours.

CheshireCat1 · 15/03/2023 20:59

We have two dogs and two cats, all from rescue centres.the dogs are border collies, so obviously we knew what we were taking on as both the dogs had difficulties due to their background.
Regarding the garden and ruining the plants and lawn, we split our garden into two with decorative rails and gates, problem solved. We also have a safety gate so that when we’re not in the dogs are in a room that is practically dog proof. Our dogs also had professional training. There are ways around these problems with a creativity. Perhaps if you spent time with the dog and develop a bond with him, you won’t regret it. Our family wouldn’t be complete without them and they bring so much joy. I hope that you find a way to comprise and give it another chance.

LoveComedy · 15/03/2023 21:00

Living with a dog takes compromise and the first two years until a routine is established can be hard. However, please remember it is not the dog's fault and he does not understand. For example urine will burn the lawn but you can mitigate this by pouring water on the spot immediately afterwards. Your DH is doing his share by the sounds of it. I cannot judge but suggest you are very focussed on all the negatives which is going to negatively impact your relationship with your DH and the dog.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 15/03/2023 21:06

Sounds like you've got the wrong breed of dog for your family. Have you looked at dog training and socialisation classes? Now you've got the dog you need to work at it don't give up on the poor thing. I hate seeing post's on SM saying we're having to re-home our dog we've not got time blah blah.

A friend of mine her husband got them two beautiful miniature poodles. But of course she fell in love with the dog's and they're now more her dog's than his. Just have to put the effort in with them.

Sophie1980 · 15/03/2023 21:08

@ulabella It is very unfair that you have been put into this situation. The dog is not a person it is a possession. Neither you or your DP owe it anything. It is a hobby for him like a model aircraft or an old motorbike. It does NOT belong in YOUR house. It can be SOLD.
Other people on this will have other opinions, It does deserve to be in THEIR homes.
You are Not unreasonable. You were reluctant, You very fairly gave it a go. It failed. Not your fault. Repeat NOT your fault. You have done all you can.
Tell DP It goes and he must make arrangements. If not advertise it on Ebay.