Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

Hello OP. Sadly, I was on a similar situation in that I moved in with my now ex. I had a beautiful Border Collie who I loved with all my heart - he knew I had the dog when we moved in but grew to hate the dog and in turn I grew to hate him. I moved out and bought my house with my doggie and was very happy until she sadly died. I will never forgive him for his resentment- especially when he agreed to move in with me. It’s possible that your husband resents that you agreed to the dog and have now changed your mind- not realizing that you felt under pressure?
Wishing you all the best - whatever you decide xxx

I have a two year old GSP, and the first year was really difficult - potty training, sleep training, messing up the garden, getting used to the responsibilities and routine. It’s a good thing he was so cute, because there were times I wished we’d never got him.

Two years in, and things are so much better - he only does his business in the garden and leaves everything else alone, he’s affectionate and loving, sleeps through the night, and I can’t imagine life without him. I even don’t mind getting up at 6.30am to walk him.

But, and it’s a big but, the responsibility is huge, and we’ve made it work because DH and I share the load (2 hours walking a day) and we have an amazing local dog sitter who can have the hound when we need to be out.

If your DH won’t pull his weight, then I don’t blame you for feeling so frustrated and resentful. If your DH wanted the dog so much, then he needs to be its primary carer. If he won’t take on that responsibility then it’s not fair on the dog to keep it. There are GSP rehoming groups with a lot of demand for unwanted dogs and I’m sure yours would find a good home with people who know what to expect from the breed.

One last thing, though - someone once told me that a tired dog is a good dog. Puppies are naturally destructive but our GSP was pretty restrained all told. It may be that yours is destroying the house because it’s not getting enough stimulation and exercise. If you’re not interested and your DH wants to prove to you that he’s willing to look after your GSP properly, he needs to really make the effort so that it gets tired enough to sleep rather than get bored and tear the place up.

Good luck - you’re not an awful person, you’re just not a dog person, and that’s all right. But you and your DH need to do the right thing by the dog.

@ulabella Geez
A GSP is a lot of dog.
Something quiet and peaceful like a Whippet would likely have been very different.
My mum hates dogs, but actually tolerates Whippet, and allows her to visit.
Mum is devoted to her garden, so I take dog out for walks so poo and wee is done elsewhere ( And poos bagged and binned)
A friend is a professional gardener to beautiful gardens, and trains his dogs to keep OFF the plants.
Wee needs diluting with water.
Seems like the dog might be too “Full on” for you.
I couldn’t own any other type of dog than a small, quiet Whippet, so I empathise.

@GreenMarigold - that was 7 years of your life, though. It can't have been worth it?

@ulabella I totally sympathise with you , when we got our dog I felt like I had post natal depression again !!! I hated that feeling of being trapped and the guilt . No one did what they promised and it was horrible . I didn't really want a dog and have never been a dog person so that made it even more difficult . Our dog is now 6.5 yrs old and still a pain in the arse and tying but Iv dropped the guilt and that helps . No suggestions for you but I totally get what you're feeling !!!

Gosh OP I feel for you so much. We don’t have a dog but DH really wants one. We have a disabled son who will be moving into supported living in a couple of years and I know that once he leaves, DH will raise the pressure to get a dog. It’s so hard because we are a partnership and his reasons for wanting one are as valid as mine for not. I love other people’s dogs but just don’t want one around all the time, for most of the reasons you mention: restrictions on going away, destruction of garden, hair everywhere and most of all, the constant demands. But I also love DH and he really, really wants a dog.

I really think your husband needs to focus on training the dog if your marriage has any chance of surviving. What you’ve described isn’t a dog that is trained. He might have taught it to sit or lift its paw but a properly trained and stimulated dog should not dig up and destroy the place or pull you over on a lead. If the dog was properly trained then 90% of your stress and resentment would go. You do have to reinforce this and work together though or the dog will see you as the weak link and do whatever it likes if you’re not also reinforcing the training.

Also the difference between large dogs and small dogs is huge. I’ve had dogs all my life and will always have one. Small to large and currently have a GSP / Great Dane cross. He is fully trained since a pup and honestly no bother at all plus we have a v large house on a farm with loads of room to run free. However smaller dogs are much easier to live alongside especially in a smaller home with a smaller garden just from a practical perspective and if you agreed to a dog this should have been the condition on getting one. That would have been a fair compromise and probably suited you all better.

He’s not kept up his end of the deal with relation to training and cleaning up poo so I can see why you’re so exasperated. If you want to save your marriage you need to communicate poss with a therapist, but if you’re both ready to throw in the towel over a dog then that’s really sad.

I can't imagine life without a dog, they enhance it so much. Having said that, they require full on commitment from both parties, not just one. I wouldn't even consider a relationship with anyone if he didn't love dogs. Your dilemma is awful. Yes, they grow out of the puppy stage, like kids there are stages in their lives which you have to understand and deal with. My dog is 18+ now and has canine dementia - another thing to consider. What a hard decision you have to make.

I do not know why your husband is being so selfish. I cannot fathom why anyone would put an animal before their spouse. Does marriage mean that little to him? A dog takes precedence?
You can't live like this. The mess, disruption, stress and resentment are just going to make you ill. I hope he chooses you over the dog.

Sorry to be rude but there's your issue, you wanted to be fair to DH but did you stop and think about the dog? Getting a dog is like having a child, it's a long term commitment, solid 12-18+ years. It's not really a 'I changed my mind' situation, how would you feel if your family just kept you somewhere one day and you never saw them again? Don't get me wrong DH was wrong to pressurised you, but you were also wrong to say yes when you weren't ready to commit fully. I wouldn't give my dog up for nae body

The dog shouldn’t be pooing in the garden, wees yes, but it’s more normal for dog poos to happen on walks not in the garden. He needs to take it out more if it’s pooing in the garden, and definitely needs to clear up the poo if it does.

I’m glad someone else said it!

I do like dogs but a puppy that he’s had 8 months and is an absolute pain in the arse pissing and shitting everywhere and chewing and destroying stuff over a marriage - wtf

he was in the wrong pressuring you have a dog you didn’t want anyway. I’d leave him to it.

Also not a dog person

This would be my idea of hell - it probably isn't a nice thought but if you want the relationship to continue are you able to live apart? Could he move out?

I do think posters believing your marriage is not strong enough to survive the dog, are being really unfair. It’s nothing to do with your relationship, so don’t stress about this. Your husband has brought something into your relationship, with which you cannot cope. It’s the same as if he said, he wanted you all to re locate, or wanted you to sell up and go traveling. Taking on the responsibility of a dog is life changing, possibly even more than having a baby! After all, half the extended family want to help with a baby, but nobody wants to look after your dog!
It's a pity it has come to “me or the dog” scenario. But I would be inclined to call his bluff. I bet you your husband won’t part with you in favour of the dog. The dog won’t do his washing/shopping/cooking/cleaning/organising his social life/babysitting/looking out for his parents/contributing to the family finances - the list is endless, and dogs are not good in the bedroom!
I would suggest you point all this out to your husband as well as explaining calmly how the dog has altered (not ruined) your life. Ask him if there can be any sort of compromise, like as others have suggested, banning the dog from the back garden, a few dog free weekends or what ever you want.
Good luck with this OP. I speak as a dog lover who cried more about rehoming our dog than dissolving our marriage. But I got over the loss of our dog, much quicker than the loss of my marriage.

I really sympathise OP. We have a dog who is now 4 years old, will be 5 this autumn. I always thought I wanted one but it's been a long, hard, difficult, frustrating, disruptive, expensive, smelly, dirty slog. Do I love the dog? No I don't, she's cute and funny and I'd always take care of her but I would never ever get another. All I can say is that it's definitely got easier behaviour wise as she's got older, if that's any help.

I'd never get a pet I didn't want just like I'd never have a baby I didn't want. It's a life long commitment. You cannot expect your husband to get rid of the dog now. You were completely naive and ignorant to agree to a dog expecting the things you expected. It's a shame your DH railroaded you into agreeing but it's done now. There is no easy answer.

This would drive me crazy too @ulabella I like dogs, I think, but I do not want one in my home. I wouldn't want my garden full of poo either. I don't know what to suggest but you are NOT being unreasonable.

My idea of hell too, and I grew up with dogs. I like them but I wouldn't want to live with one in my own house, for all the reasons the OP describes. It would be a deal breaker for me - I think I agree with TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing

We used to own a GSP.
We loved him to bits, but the first few years it was hell. It;s not a fmaily friendly dog. It'sa dog who likes to dominate, finds it place under the master (your DP) and you will be below. It's powerful and will pull as it's a hunting dog and will be excited about smells and scents and withouth rigirous training will just bolt, dragging you behind.
We lost him a n umber of time when he bolted in the fields (we lived in the countryside), picked him up from animal shelter a dozen of times. We too didnt do a proper research.
I feel for you. Maybe separation would be a good idea so you both can figure out what you want to do next?

Had I moved in with a partner who was already a dog-owner, found I couldn't gel with living with the dog and then tried giving an ultimatum that it was the dog or me, I'd fully expect to be kicked into touch. My behaviour in this scenario would be totally, utterly unreasonable, and were the boot on the other foot I'd certainly choose my dog over the unreasonable partner.

This situation is entirely different. Your DH, presumably your long established partner who is committed enough to you to be married to you, has railroaded you into a decision he knew you didn't want. There was always a risk this wouldn't work out, because he always knew fine well you never wanted the animal in the first place. Now the predictable has happened he's telling you he'd be willing to choose a pet he's only just acquired over his own wife. It really is all about him isn't it?

From the husband's perspective, if I found that a new dog meant more to me than my wife I'd reevaluate that relationship with some honest introspection, if only for her sake. Were I the wife, I'd listen carefully to what my partner's actions were telling me; and what they speak of is someone who hasn't given me a solitary care, but puts my wellbeing right at the bottom of the list below him and the dog. These are not the actions of a loving partner. Sadly, OP, I don't think what your marriage hinges on have anything to do with the dog. I'm sorry

I totally understand where you're coming from. I cannot stand dogs but the problem is most dog lovers cannot/will not acknowledge this point of view. They insist that actually their dog is the exception and if you just got to know it, you'd love it too.
I think your husband has been very selfish tbh. You were clear from the start. I would be extremely hurt that he'd pick a dog over me. It would seem, sadly, that you are at an impasse and that perhaps the relationship has run its course.

YANBU

Your DH was very unreasonable to push for a pet you didn't want.

You were pressured into getting a dog you didn't want.

Your DH insisted on a much bigger dog than you can handle, even if you had wanted one.

Your DH has picked a dog that it was completely inappropriate for him to pick: a gun dog in a semi-detached city home with a tiny garden is completely inappropriate.

The dog you didn't want is actually destroying your hard-worked for home and garden.

Your poor cat is being terrorized in his own home.

Your travel plans, something you value highly in your life, are now severely restricted due to this oversized dog.

I'd be with you: dog goes or he can go with the dog. Life is too short to be miserable. You and your cat could be quite happy elsewhere.

A dog is not a child.

This is just unkindly written. OP has tried to express her views fairly and is asking for advice, not to be told she is joyless.

This whole thread has reinforced exactly why I don’t want a dog. Thankfully DH is on the same page.

I feel for you OP and I’m sorry your DH ground you down so much until you gave in. Anyone that even had to think for a second about whether I was more important than a pet would be out of the door for me tbh.