Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I can imagine how you feel. I thought I'd be yhe same. I didn't really like dogs. I had my first at 40 and am now converted. I love her but she is quite easy. I wouldn't be without her now. She is a much smaller dog. While GSPs are lovely, they are huge. I don't really have advice. You need to explain your feelings? How would you/DH feel if you got rid of dog? Could you use kennel or dog walker?

It sounds to me like the relationship might have run its course anyway because otherwise he would not have pressured you into having a dog so much. I think when you think that things might be coming to an end anyway you no longer care about the wishes of your partner as you maybe once did. There would have been compromises to explore: For example we use the borrow my doggy website and have met some lovely dogs and owners. That way my family gets a lot of fun times with dogs but on our terms and without the total disruption. Too late now for you of course.

If you want to save your marriage two things to do urgently:

1. Get DH to find a puppy trainer asap and get the puppy professionally trained
2. Sign up to marriage counseling to see if your relationship can be salvaged - if not counseling might help in accepting it's come to an end

Good luck!

@ulabella just read back - your dog has obviously fallen on its feet with you!

Ridiculous

I don’t think I could stay with someone if they suggested/insisted I give up my dog. Wether it was my idea or theirs to get them, a commitment to that animal was made.

I also don’t think I could continue to live with someone who couldn’t be bothered doing the activities that would help make the relationship with the dog better. You agreed to the dog, you say you like giving him treats but you won’t do the other basic parts that would make you probably love the dog.

it’s a no from me 🙈 I’d take my dog and go.

They are such a huge responsibility - mine is a barker, no matter what we try, and while i've sort of got used to it my new DP hates it as the noise stresses him out. I love my dog but i've never felt like she was another child. I would prioritise my MH over keeping the dog for example. I really feel for you. Is there anyone you know who might be able to rehome the dog so your DP can still have contact?

Dogs are hard work. I didn't want a dog and my ex husband campaigned for years amd finally got one, I was really nervous at first bit then loved her and got another one. Then he cheated on me and I took the dogs!!! Happier with them then I ever was with him. They can be hard work but my garden was never ereckez, neither was my house with either puppy stage. Is your dog crate trained? Mine are and while I don't shut the crate they live it is their safe space. Dogs should be causing the issues you are saying. With training they cause lessess than cats. That being said if he is willing to leave you for the dog it's sounds life your relationship has run is course. From someone who had a shock marriage breakdown you'll survive more than survive you'll be amazing.

I really feel for you OP.
No one has to like dogs.

x

You sound like you have similar feelings to me about dogs. I've never had one or wanted one but used to think maybe in the future when we retire we could get one. DH had one growing up and has mentioned a few times about maybe getting a dog in the future. I've never liked the high energy dogs that jump up and seem very excitable but thought that's probably something you could train a dog to not be like and certain breeds are probably calmer than others. We had to dog sit a few times for my father in law and my mind changed completely. There is no way I would ever have a dog, ever at all. This dog was very old, calm and quiet- really well behaved but it was just always there. It would follow me around or watch me constantly. It constantly wanted attention from me and it really stank! We only had it for about 4 hours at a time but I felt like I couldn't relax in my own living room and found myself going upstairs so I could be alone. It's actually made me change from not really having an opinion about dogs to just straight up not liking them. I'm glad we dog sat because I fear your situation might have happened in 20 years time when we retire! Luckily he's warmed to the company of cats!
It's hard to know what I'd do in your situation because you agreed although reluctantly but I'm not sure you really knew what you were agreeing to. Does your husband know how this is making you feel because I don't think I could have coped for as long as you have. I think I would probably say that I couldn't cope any longer as you weren't sure about having a dog in the first place but it's turned out to be the opposite of all the things your DH said it would be. I would hope he would re-home it.

Your OH should not have got the dog. It’s really simple.

I would tell him if he wants a dog leave with it. No question.

I was going to suggest sticking it out for a few more months as the dog is still very young but that won’t help the fur everywhere or not being able to book a holiday etc.

I absolutely love my dog.
She is my family and I love her more than most of my family and friends.
The bond between a dog and it’s owner is like no other.
However, once she goes I will not be getting another one for a long time as I’m looking forward to having my freedom back and not having fur everywhere etc.

I think it is fine for you to decide that you cannot live like this any more (I’d still give it a few more months) but it’s not fair that you make your DH make that choice when you agreed to get the dog.

You need to decide whether YOU want to separate over the dog and then go through with it if you do.

Op, can you describe what an average day consists of in your house? Do you both work and how does that fit in with you? I have a dog but yours sounds a handful.

my situation wasn't as bad as yours but when my DH agreed with the kids to bring a dog into my home I was clear around what i expected them to do as I wasnt interested. For me it led to numerous arguments. I hated begging dogs and he would feed it from the table and led to the dog pawing every time we ate. He ignored training advice as he thought he was an expert, dog escaped a few times as he got a breed that is notorious for escaping and having poor recall as he didn't want a 'stupid' dog that chased balls. So we ended up with a dog that had terrible recall, bad allergies and stank out my house. When we had number 4 DC late in age (unexpected) the dog hated them too. So i had to take over the dog. Re trained him to eat when fed, not run off when not on the lead, removed from the area when we ate. I love my dog who is mine now but I will never ever have another and I am still upset I was put in the position to sort this out. I was the same as you where holidays could no longer be easy as we had to bring the dog, kennels were a no no- friends who didn't like dogs no longer invited us... If your relationship is being destroyed you need to have a tough talk with your DH as this is affecting your mental health- if your DH isnt bothered about your mental health it is time for you to move on as the dog is clearly a side issue

Also smaller dogs are usually much more difficult so don’t think the size was a mistake.

Thank you for tips. Unfortunately I really don't want to do any of those things you offer. Just don't. Not interested and not my thing. I don't want to bond with it and frankly don't have the time or energy for all this. I lead a very busy life, full-on job and ambitions of my own which happens to be non-dog related.

Is this wrong?

I have just read this update and no it’s not wrong but it is quite uncompromising.

I don’t understand why you agreed to get a dog at all if you are not interested in bonding with one? Would you have been interested in bonding with a different breed I mean? Every member of the family has to be on board when a dog enters the home, not least because the dog needs looking after 24/7 even when your dh travels for work or leisure or is ill.

Anyway, what’s done is done and it’s very wrong of your dh not to engage in training properly and to leave that side of it to you.

As for a happy solution ; there isn’t one because every option involves someone being upset or resentful, or the end of a marriage, or a dog going through the stress of rehoming.

I am really sympathetic to you op because this is a really awful situation you are in; at the same time no one on here can offer a solution that is better than the one that you and your dh can come up with together.

Not something I thought I would suggest on a dog thread but have you thought of going to see a professional mediator or a marriage counsellor? Maybe once you can discuss this situation formally with a third party, your dh will start to take your pov seriously?

Are they? Is there any evidence of that?

I've got a sprocker OP who is 4 and just starting to enter her adult phase. Thankfully the chewing/mad behaviour has slowly faded, but I will say that it was a long way past 2 years old. She will still pooh in the kitchen if it's wet outside, something our other dog (10) has never done. Life with a working breed is never going to be easy, and training is a daily necessity to have a well behaved and well socialised dog that is a pleasure to be around.

Your DH has been stupid here, getting a working breed that is clearly understimulated. It isn't going to get magically better once the dog hits 2 if he's not doing the sort of exercise/stimulation that a working dog needs. And I think I'd land that ball firmly in his court.

You agreed to the dog. Would you do the same to a child? Poor thing 🥲🥲

I totally get how annoying puppies can be. Especially if you’re not really a dog person. It seems to me that the real problem is that neither of you are really caring how the other person feels. You’re both focusing only on yourselves. What if you tried to have a conversation where each of you explain your position and the other has to suspend their own agenda, listen, empathize and validate with the goal of making the other person feel understood and seen. You then swap. (Can you tell I’m a therapist! 😂) From there you can brainstorm potential solutions together. Is there a way of getting a dog trainer and you both really commit to training the annoying stuff out of the dog, for example?

Op, you shouldn’t have to do this, dh is in the wrong forcing you to. That said, here’s my story, similar to yours. I’m a cat person, my dh is a dog person. My dh insisted in getting a dog. I absolutely did not want to. I finally gave in to the pressure. We got a springer. He was a pain from the beginning. He was supposed to be dh’s dog but he followed me everywhere. I ended up taking care of him, taking him for walks, a neighbor told me he laughed when he saw the dog pulling me down the street (very energetic dog) 😂. And yes, destroying the house and making messes. I had enough and said, it’s either me or the dog. Dh said, the dog. I slept on the sofa that night. When I finally fell into a deep sleep, the dog jumped right on top of me and wouldn’t leave. S9 show he won my heart that night and I became a dog person and I loved that dog so much. My husband ironically also became a cat person so we had both a dog and a car. Ahem, the cat also chose me as his person so the cat also started following me everywhere 🙄. It is probably a dream of your dh to have this dog. Maybe give it a little more time and see if you can come to love the dog like I did ❤️

As a dog lover (who wasn’t always) I am trying to be impartial as you sound like you are struggling.
My initial thoughts
you say there is poo all over your garden - I have 3 dogs and this is not the case in my house. You watch the dog , it poops and you pick it up. Also, our dogs have breakfasts and we take them out and they go.
it seems like you have training issues and you think you have trained the dog but actually you clearly haven’t which is why you may be overwhelmed

• you can train dogs to pee and poo in the same place
• you can wash paws so no mud
• you can groom daily to stop fur dropping
• if your dog was trained it would sleep as you would have trained it as a pup using a crate or rest times and taught it to do so
• if it was mentally and physically worn out it would sleep a lot of the day or sit next to you at your feet.

it reads as though you got a dog, walk it, feed it and that is it. you forgot the training part and believe training is walking to heel and exercise. mad you have found out having a dog is a huge commitment and if their needs are not met they destroy, get anxious and they do what they please and do their business where they please. the only people responsible for this fiasco is your and your husband who appear to have done what you think is best but are completely naive and the breeder is irresponsible to let you have a pup. you should join the FB group dog training and advice good luck

I lived with my ex and his dog for 2 years and found it so difficult, I have grown up with cats and was always scared of dogs. It took me a long time to get used to him and he was poorly trained by my ex so that didn't help the situation. I've always said I will never own a dog, even though current partner of 12 years has always wanted one, he understands and we will never own a dog. I think it would be mad to end your relationship over this and I'm shocked he would choose the dog!! Is there any possibility you could live apart but stay together, could you marriage survive that?

PS We had a basset hound/springer cross who was a fucking nightmare. After we had our first child, it was awful. Chewing everything in sight, running off on walks etc. I couldn’t deal with him and a newborn. I used to regularly ring my husband in tears. We gave him away and both cried solidly for a couple of days from guilt. The look the dog gave me when he left. It was like he knew. It was pretty brutal. But it was the right decision for us. The point is that the two of you need to find a way to be united and try to find a compromise that works.

Gun dog likely to improve and less/no poo in garden with Three walks a day . Husband get up early and do long walk, dog Walker if husband not wfh , then husband takes long walk in evening. Try this?

Good advice