Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I don’t think it was dumb. Letting him go off and get a totally unsuitable breed wasn’t the smartest move, though. If they’d chosen the breed together and agreed on it the outcome might have been better.

100% this. I'd gladly let a man like this go.

@EarringsandLipstick

I don’t have a problem - you’re the one kicking off at me and the OP. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Take the dog out more often and it is less likely to poo in the garden. Get rocks for his water and that will help with the urine. Or water the grass more often.

Personally I would leave my husband if he asked me to get rid of our dog or told me I wasn’t allowed to get a dog. I don’t think there is a way back for your marriage if you force him to get rid of the dog.

It seems you are putting your dislike of the dog above your marriage. You agreed to the dog and now you’ve changed your mind, you are expecting DH to just cut his emotional attachment to the dog. He could agree, because he loves you more, but that will make him miserable. What the dog brings to his life is important too and probably as important as your clean house is to you.

Tbh I don’t think this situation would be “fixed” though by sending the dog back to the breeder because the husband would be so resentful.

The key to this is training but the dh has to be willing to put time and effort in to the process.

Op if you look at Pippa.the.Sprocka on Instagram, they have a very informative post up atm about training while walking.

This is a hideous situation - I absolutely adore dogs and couldn’t ever partner with someone who didn’t - but given that your husband ( presumably) knows you and understood your objections to dogs he was very, very wrong to you and the dog to insist on one coming to live with you. However you are where you are , and as others have said it would be like asking him to abandon a child. Do you have enough money to send the dog to doggie daycare/ dog nursery a couple of days a week? Would that help? Otherwise a no win situation- v sad all round.

are you the husband who fucked up and got that homewrecker dog?

To be fair he refused to compromise and made a very poor and uniformed choice of breed so op could not possibly know exactly what she was agreeing to! (Apologies for poor grammar.)

I'm among those who is a huge dog lover who would prioritise my dogs over a relationship but no, you're not being unreasonable. You aren't a dog lover, you knew you didn't want one and were pressured into getting one anyway, and it has worked out basically as you expected. Dogs are hard work, they are smelly and often downright disgusting. They're also fun and amazing and brilliant - but I do think the world splits into dog lovers and people who are baffled by dog lovers.

I've got no answers to your problem, just sympathy really.

@ulabella I haven't read the full thread - but have Read your updates, how does your DH feel having the dog is going? I assume he will think its great, but with all you have stated, is he blinkered? Does he not care about your feelings now that he has his dog?

What on earth makes the OP “sound very joyless” if her post?? Just because she doesn’t want the dog she was coerced in to getting? Ridiculous comment. 🙄

Others have also made these suggestions but here are mine:

if you are home and your DP goes to work then employ a dog sitter for the day
Dont allow the dog to poo or pee in the garden - dog will get used to having to go out
More intense dog training so the dog does not wreck the home - ours is now 2 and we are taking her to weekly dog training
Get a special pet hair vacuum cleaner and a cleaner

i hope you can work this out - it is very hard

I am sorry, but your DH lied to you. They either lied about researching the dog, or they lied about the dog they did research. Because it only took 5 minutes for me to find out that this dog sheds a lot, is boisterous, needs a lot of exercise and attention and will be destructive when bored.
"Therefore, if not given the right amount of attention, they can become bored and destructive." "They typically shed constantly." -en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_Shorthaired_Pointer

Your dog needs training and lots of stimulation and exercise. If you can’t give him that plenty would adopt a young dog like that.

Me too.

I would take it that his actions were that of a cowardly man who wanted out.

Wow you both sound inflexible, selfish, and definitely not on the same team anymore.

A million helpful suggestions in this thread were all poo-pooed in that typical Mumsnet way, where the OP really only wants validation and has already made up their mind.

Sounds like you’ll both be happier alone.

This is insane. I can’t believe some of these comments. It’s just an animal and I’m
gob smacked that your husband would divorce you because you don’t want the dog that you already told him (in advance) that you didn’t want! I’m gutted for you, it sounds like a horrible situation.

You could try focus on something you really want to achieve or that you want for yourself that would make you happy .

I disagree.
The OP said husband had nagged her for years about getting a dog. When she finally agreed he "Researched" a breed that he seems to have chosen for its looks, and wrongly told her that it didn't shed and was considered an ideal family dog.
This was clearly not true.
He was supposed to be responsible for the dog but it sounds as if he is doing a lousy job.

It's all very well saying she could have refused.. but I know something of the pressure that can be exerted when the whole family is pleading for a dog. It's intense and if it's gone on for years and they promise the dog will be ideal as a family dog and they will do all the dog-related chores then OP gave in based on false promises.
Another false promise was the training, which OP had to organise herself in the end or it would not have materialised. The DH is one of those people who like the idea of a dog, but simply can't be bothered or can't understand the scale of what looking after it really encompasses. So I think he should give it up to someone who is prepared to do that.

(My lot admitted that they probably wouldn't do the chores and I compromised saying I'd dog sit for DC2 when he got a dog in his own house. I love other people's dogs but I know a great big active dog just wouldn't work for us. )

As to what you should do about OP.. I'm sorry I can't advise, the was a pp who mentioned getting couples counseling to navigate the situation and get your husband to really consider if it's the best environment for the dog when you are both working full time.
If the dog does stay, It should be down to your DH to ease your worries a bit with him organising and paying for doggie day care/holiday care, extra walking and exercise etc..

Sorry OP it is a tough situation.

It seems having a dog (for whatever reason) became non negotiable to your DH at this point in his life, unfortunately more so than the marriage, since he was not and is not prepared to compromise.

From your replies, you’ve put as much effort into the dog as you are going to, totally valid.

It seems you now need to either

1. choose to accept the situation (it doesn’t seem you feel able to), or

2. separate into 2 households

Whether that means the end of the relationship and divorce, is up to the two of you, but you have both made your positions clear to the other.

FGS nekeem, OP is not asking for how she might learn to live with the dog. So of course all the well-meaning suggestions about training, walks, crates, penning off part of the garden, dog-sitters etc are not for her.

Kindly get off her case.

OP was asking if she WBU not wanting to live with the dog. She was not asking how she might learn to live with the dog.

A lot of space has been wasted with suggestions she has not asked for, and criticism has then be aimed at her for not gleefully pouncing on novel ideas about how she might bond with the dog.

Elwina, have you actually read the OP? I mean really read it? Or have you somehow posted on the wrong thread???

Hi,

Weve got 4 dogs but have put some boundaries in place so we also have our own space e.g. I love my garden so the dogs only are allowed in a small part of it and we put a gate up so they can’t get in the rest - is this an option?

We are both dog lovers however and spend time each day walking them in a local forest. Could you perhaps look for some local places which you’d both like to explore which is also suitable for the dog? You’d get to spend some time together and the dog would be occupied.

If those aren’t options then I think it’s probably best for the dog to be rehomed. We’ve had to rehome a dog in the past and it really isn’t easy but it’s about your quality of life too. It sounds like your quality of life and your relationship is suffering because of the dog and, personally, I’d prioritise those over a dog.

Just some thoughts.

A lot of people are saying that you agreed to get the dog, however, I think that being pressured into saying yes, it not really a yes.