Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

Initially my thought was that you needed to suck up the responsibility that comes with agreeing to have a dog, but on reading more I think the responsible thing to do is to regime this dog in a rural setting with a family would will definitely give it the type of life it deserves.

Your husband did not do his research properly. A German Pointer is a large, very active, working dog. A semi with an average garden in a city location is not an ideal. They need to be able to run (off the lead) through fields and woods for a couple of hours a day when they are young. Suburban walks to local parks don't cut it. You would be better off with a cockerpoo. They are low shedding, sociable and have moderate exercise requirements.

*rehome

But she agreed to it.

You can't say you 'never wanted a dog', agree, then decide you'll take no responsibility for it.

(I also agree the DH sounds shocking & disinterested).

I disagree.

If you agree to get a dog despite not wanting one, but then you have a responsibility to decide on breed. limits, level of involvement.

It can't be all on the person who wanted the dog.

I am with you OP. I love my home, cherish my garden and will certainly enjoy my freedom when the kids grow up. You have raised your babies and this is now your time to be stress free. Your DH has destroyed that with the dog’s presence, and I think you were great for giving this a go.
you tried, it’s not for you. Let him leave with the dog and spend the next ten years cleaning up its poo

I don’t care whether you agree or not.

You haven’t read the OP properly. ”DH insisted on a GSP”

OP said it was too big and wanted a smaller dog but she was over-ruled. And now they’re both living with the consequences of her DH’s poor decision.

Gosh @Mirabai is there any need to be so rude? 😳 (a forum is about people expressing different views. You are entitled to yours, as I am to mine).

I was sympathetic to OP's situation - and recognise her H has behaved very poorly, and based his decision on breed on incorrect information.

Nonetheless, her further posts (note: 'further') make it clear she doesn't want to take any responsibility for pretty basic dog-related tasks. That's not reasonable, regardless of how her H has (and is) behaving.

That’s a very fair summary. A small four to six year old dog with a calm temperament would have been a completely different proposition.

This 🙌🏻

I adore my dogs but would never get another. My whole life has to revolve around them. I can't do or plan anything, they cost a fortune, and they've completely ruined my house and garden. One of mine is old and incontinent so the house reeks of urine. I've spent thousands on the garden, most of it is ruined now. The idea that all dogs grow out of destruction is not true - mine still dig, chew stuff out there, crap everywhere. They aren't destructive in the house luckily. We can't have anyone over unless we lock them away. I do love them but my word, it's worse than having kids.

Rude or forthright? 🤔 From someone who called the OP “a disgrace”, this is a bit rich.

OP made her position clear from the start that the dog was not her responsibility and dog-related tasks were her DH’s problem. She’s been perfectly consistent. If DH had chosen a more manageable dog, he be able to care for it solo.

Honestly yes I do think this is wrong. The dog is here now, so why not try and make the best of it? If it makes your DH happy - and presumably he lived dog-free for many years before this to make you happy - why not try and make some effort? Frankly I would choose a dog over a relationship as well, especially if if my partner was showing such wilful and obstinate disinterest. A dog isn’t a toy you can give away when you get sick of it.

Eh? I think OP is being perfectly reasonable. She is not bloody interested in dogs. DH should either have chosen a small dog, or maybe he could have offered to take care of dogs as a volunteer ( Cinnamon Trust or similar).

I understand people who have had pets for years refusing to date partners who don't like dogs, but OP has slaved for 20 years working and childrearing. She deserves rest and a nice clean house.

I don't know of anyone divorcing over a dog, however, I don't know any city/town dwellers that have a GSP.

When you said you had this breed, I imagined you lived in the country with either acres of space or access to it.

I just feel this breed is entirely unsuitable for a first time owner and an urban setting. Your DH & you should have looked for a breed that matches your lifestyle. I wanted a dog for so long (I grew up with them) so when DH agreed, he chose the breed as I wanted him to feel totally happy with what we got.

All I would say is maybe have go and have a look at a 5 year old GSP and see how they have calmed down. My 2 year old doodle is so much calmer than a 7 month old puppy

Have you asked your DH how he will address the destruction of your garden and home? Will he be cleaning daily and restoring your garden? Will he section off part of it? Surely at the very least he needs to acknowledge these issues and try to rectify this. If your garden is your hobby, he’s essentially destroyed your hobby for his.

I am in a similar position to you as I’m not overly keen on dogs but we have had 2 gentle labs which I have grown to love in spite of the limitations and mess. But most importantly I did agree to them for my DH & DC. For their part they do the bulk of the caring, walking etc. I am a fair weathered companion on walks. We are now down to one old lab & are considering what to do going forward. I want to have more freedom but I know my DH will want another. I expect we will compromise and have a gap for some travelling before getting another. I feel very sorry for you.

As for posters saying OP should not have got a dog, her DH nagged her for years and she caved to shut him up. Why the hell should she make the "best of it?"

It must be incredibly hurtful to hear your DH say he would choose a recently acquired dog over you, the woman who has shared his life and raised his children.

He has put you in an impossible position. He knew you didn't want a dog but he kept on and on until he eventually wore you down. Then when you finally gave in he wasn't content with just any dog, he selfishly insisted on the breed he wanted, ignoring your perfectly valid concerns. Either he simply didn't care that this would be miserable for you, or he's so arrogant he assumed you were wrong and you'd realise you love having a dog because he loves having a dog. Either way, he has shown a complete disregard for your feelings and clearly doesn't care how unhappy you are. LTB.

Why the hell should she make the "best of it?"

To save her marriage? If that's what she wants,thats what she needs to do. He is prepared to divorce over this. She has the choice - not a choice many of us would make here but a choice nontheless - to try to make the best of this in order to stay married.

And you seriously don't think that's selfish of her husband?

She agreed to get the dog. That was really dumb. So now it's here, it's either suck it up or leave.

I would find it very hard not to resent a man who chose a dog he has had 8 months over a wife of 20 years. I think the husband is already out the door. Good. Op can stay in her lovely house while he bonds with his dog elsewhere.

Long walks are all very well, but he clearly isnt taking the dog out when he needs a poo. Dog goes out first thing in morn, last thing at night as well as a walk and that should give him a chance to poo elsewhere. And no going to play in the garden unless he has pooped first thing/on his walk.

Absolutely. But the post I replied to asked why the hell should she try to make anything of it. If (IF) she wanted to stay married is the answer to that.

I personally wouldn't want to stay married to this man and I acknowledged in my post most of us wouldn't. But her choice is hers to make. People have gone over all her options. Why post for advice if you don't want all the options available to you?

Not sure why some people are having a go at the OP for not being interested in making the effort to train the dog. She only agreed to getting the dog because the husband promised to do all the work to do with owning a dog. It's right there in the OP.

Rude or forthright? 🤔 From someone who called the OP “a disgrace”, this is a bit rich.

What is your problem?!

I am perfectly happy for you to express your views. Why are you being so aggressive?

Yes, I think OP's behaviour in relation to the dog is disgraceful. You are it differently - that's ok.

And rude or forthright? Rude.