Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

And as OP rightly says - it's like physio. You train (or consolidate training every single day. You never allow the dog to break training even once (eg if you teach your dog to sit before getting his dinner - as we have - then you make sure they sit, every time). Letting them off "just this once" because they are excited and hungry, or you are tired and they won't stay in a sit until the bowl is on the floor , just tells them that if they bounce about for long enough you'll give in.

But to be fair to OP the actual training is on her husband. He wanted the dog, not her. All she should have to do is consolidate what the dog has learned. OP got a trainer - they should both be consolidating the basic training the dog has been given. This is particularly important with a large.powerful dog, because they can send people flying without meaning to. They have to have good manners and be well trained, because they can be a danger rather than just a nuisance.

Her husband should also be doing everything else for the dog - keeping it in a certain part of the garden, long walks, grooming (quick and easy with a GSP - virtually a "wipe down with an oily rag") and wiping his feet when he comes into the house - also at east once a day hoovering wherever the dog has access. His dog, his responsibility.

If you think your marriage is salvageable it’s probably best you book a few relationship counselling sessions asap.

The counsellor will help you both see the situation from the other side and negotiate a way forward. If the dog issues are merely symptom of an already failed marriage the counsellor can help you break up in as healthy a manner as possible - third party mediation can reduce arguing and keep blame and resentment to a minimum).

FWIW I do think there are ways to make the dog situation better that could be tried before rehoming dog/ rehoming DH but they are going to cost money and you might well be past the point of no return already (eg there are crates that look like nicely finished furniture that will be less offensive to your eye or the space under your stairs could be converted by a joiner into a permanent, unobtrusive ‘crate’ area.
A cleaner and some doggy day care/a dog walker would also help your sanity. Plus a garden redesign with a fenced off area for dog and the rest reserved for your enjoyment.

That said I do think your DH was spectacularly stupid to get a gun dog/working breed and I’m amazed his ‘research’ landed him there (and that the breeder let a pup go to a semi detached family home with inexperienced owners!)

Some time in the late 70s my dad came home from the pub half cut with a random beagle on a choke chain in one hand and a box of Milk Tray in the other. The Milk Tray was a raffle prize and the dog was from a man who said ‘if no one takes this dog off me tonight I will shoot it in the morning’.
Unsurprisingly the dog had a whole host of behavioural issues including terrible separation anxiety and a thing for chewing wood. Almost every internal door in my house had about ten cm missing from the bottom for most of my early childhood.

That house was a 50s semi, so no tears over the woodwork but I do genuinely feel for you re: your period bannisters.

My mum had pushover tendencies anyway but she did genuinely bond with the dog who behaved like an angel in her presence and stopped chewing once he was allowed to sleep under her side of the bed but you are not my mum and you aren’t compelled to acquiesce to the whims of your DH or the canine tyrant he has moved into your home.

Only you know if it’s worth figuring this out with a counsellor and trying some mediated measures rather than going straight to LTB but frankly, the way your DH has behaved isn’t much better than my dad turning up after last orders with a random delinquent working dog in tow.

Your DH has been a spectacular dickhead picking a dog that is unsuited to your family home environment - if he’d made a better a choice you might well have found the imposition less onerous and bonding might’ve been possible.

As for those who say rehoming is always out of the question, I’m not convinced by that at all - I’ve had a dog adoption fail before and I know it was the correct choice for the long term well-being of the dog, who hadn’t been properly assessed for living in our home environment (the rescue admitted fault).
A more suitable home was found for that dog (who had a tendency towards hypervigilance and could not cope with busy life on a terraced street with neighbours leaving and arriving at all hours!) and while it was a painful decision at the time, it was best for everyone.
The rehoming process was carefully managed via the rescue and the dog was not dumped or stuck in kennels nor irresponsibly sold on to another set of unsuitable owners. It wasn’t an immediate solution and the dog was with us for a while we waited for a suitable onward arrangement but he now lives in an isolated, rural environment where his vigilance is a useful trait and I have a sleepy, lazy couch potato of a retired greyhound who hasn’t barked in 4 years (and won’t even get out of bed for the postman’s knock, let alone a neighbour setting off for an early shift).

Of course, your dog cannot be rehomed to a more suitable environment unless your DH admits that he made a bad choice based on his wants, rather than what would work best for his family, or indeed, what was best for the dog.

What is the breeder’s policy? Good breeders, like good rescues, will provide ongoing advice and support because their former dogs’ well-being remains a priority.

THIS ⬆

Never mind the poor suffering husband - what about the poor suffering wife?

The dog really needs to be re-homed asap while he is still young enough to be trainable and young enough to happily adapt to a new home.

OP will never "come round" - as much because she doesn't want to as anything else. If he hasn't been castrated (this hasn't been mentioned I don't think) and is not being properly trained he will be a bliddy nightmare when his hormones kick in! (which will be very soon, if they haven't already).

Male dogs have an adolescent surge of about SEVEN times the adult hormone levels, and this surge can last for several months.

After reading your updates including your poor cat being confined I think the only solution is the dog has to go, for your sake, the cat's sake and for the dog's sake! The breed is clearly unsuitable for your home environment and your DH obviously didn't do any enough research. It sounds like the dog is bored, badly trained and isn't having enough exercise, it would be much kinder for it to go to a more suitable household where everybody wants it and is willing to put in the time to train it, play with it and exercise it.

Im not in agreement with many posters.

I don't feel sorry for you.

This isn't all on your DH.

Ultimately you could have blocked this. You didn't.

And now as illustrated in your most recent posts you cant be arsed.

You're not really one for taking responsibility are you .

YANBU. I wouldn't be happy with a dog in the house. Not a visiting dog, not a resident dog, not a small dog, not any dog. If DH pressured me into getting one and it made my life in any way more difficult, I would be furious. So we don't have a dog (and thankfully DH doesn't want one anyway!).

I can completely understand why it's come to an ultimatum. If your DH had decided to restore classic motorbikes in your living room, got oil all over the house, rode them round the garden and expected you to clean up the mess then everyone would be saying LTB. No one would be suggesting that you take an evening course in mechanics and go on rallies together.

After your update, it's clear your DH made a dumb choice with selecting this big working dog for your home and family.

You both work. Where is the dog when you're both at work?

I really don't think this is going to work out. Your DH needs to put his own selfish wants aside and consider the dog's wellbeing too even if he doesn't consider your or the cat's wellbeing.

A dog might have worked out if he put his ego aside and chose a small breed with a calmer personality that would have been suitable for smaller home and easier for you and the cat. There are many many choices.

Maybe someone from the breed association can have a chat with him about rehoming and why with reasons your DH can agree with?

I think your real concern now is that it seems ridiculous to divorce over a dog. I disagree that you are doing that. This is the situation that showed that you are not willing to compromise for each other. Nothing wrong with you not wanting a dog, nothing wrong with your DH wanting one. The sticking point is that you are not willing to put each other above the desire to be with or without the dog.

It could be a move to a new house or how to spend your money or what colour to paint the hall, it is just a sign that other things are more important than working out a compromise to suit you both. There is not an ounce of compromise in your update, own that and move on with a dog free life.

The poor dog has been let down badly by everyone, including the breeder. I know several people who breed working dogs and they are very careful about who gets their dogs. PIL adopted a dog at 9 months when previous family couldn’t cope with her high needs, she never seemed damaged by it and thrived.

For all those advising the OP how to 'bond' with the dog, how to train and walk him etc etc. She bloody doesn't want to do this and she's perfectly entitled not to want to. it's a huge amount of work and, while I really love dogs, I don't want that responsibility / tie either.

Reminds me a bit of the 'childfree' threads where people insist "you'll never know love like it" etc etc. I am childfree and that doesn't bother me because it's not something I ever had the slightest inclination to do.

But she agreed to get the dog. She can’t turn back time or pretend the dog isn’t her responsibility. They need to deal with the situation like adults. She talks about the silly cost of training and getting bored and not sticking with the training it’s very childish.

It would be interesting to hear this story from DH point of view as he’s getting all the blame here.

It sounds to me like it's not getting enough exercise, stimulation or training... or you're exaggerating the impact its having on your home and garden.

I've had 8 dogs over the course of my life some from puppies, others from a bit older, some have been very big, boisterous and energetic when younger... but none of them have "destroyed" my home and garden and I'm reasonably house proud and a keen gardener so its not like I'm happy to just live in a trashed house and a ruined garden.

Whoever is to “blame” doesn’t change the fact that the OP is living miserable and it could be fixed by just sending the dog back to the breeder or rehoming.

But her DH (and plenty of posters) have told OP her options are:
(a) live miserably
(b) divorce

Nice.

God I really feel for you. It does seem like madness when you are contemplating ending a whole marriage and everything that goes with it over an animal.

However I the way I love my dogs is similar to how I love my children. My DH is the same, absolutely adores her. Everyone said it would be different when I had kids and it wasn't. Thinking about rehoming her is just unfathomable to me. Whatever came our way with regards to the dog we would work around. She is one of our family and we won't ever give up on her.

I'm saying that so that you can see the other side of the coin. Idk if your husband feels that way about his puppy but if he does then it explains why he would rather end the marriage than get rid of the dog.

It probably is a bit like an emotional affair which you used a good analogy of or I see it like 1 person wanting to have DC and the other not. You can't compromise between two such opposing views - one person always loses out, there is no middle here.

Also you gave up the training yourself because you found it boring - fair enough. But you are in this situation of a dog who tears up your garden and possessions directly because of that. Dogs live in packs and have a pecking order. The dog won't see you as higher up than it in the order because you didn't put that work in to get there. Plenty dogs wouldn't dare dig up gardens because they know they aren't allowed. Mine stops whatever she is doing (last night she was about to shake the rain off herself in my hallway) the second I click my fingers at her.

Bottom line is not all dogs are the same.

My BIL went out and bought a surprise dog when he and my sis had small kids. It was a skittish, bonkers labradoodle and sister couldn’t cope with it on top of 3 kids. She gave him an ultimatum: me or the dog. He rehomed it with his mum.

When the kids were older - sis and BIL got a Vizsla - a joint decision my sister was totally on board with - calm, friendly and laid back dog. They’ve been very happy with him.

If one in the couple is not keen on getting a dog you need to make a really judicious choice. You need a small to medium sized breed that is relatively chilled. Not a large gun dog known for their energy and destructiveness if not stimulated. Equally it wasn’t a good choice for the existing cat.

So in this case it’s not dog or no dog. It’s not this dog.

I think DH needs to admit he’s made a mistake with the breed and circumstances. Re-home the dog to someone who will train and stimulate it enough. And get a smaller more docile model.

Reading through your updates: you need to sit down with your husband and discuss either marriage counselling or lawyers. Make him realise you are absolutely serious about 'it's the dog or me'.

Your husband has taken up a new hobby (the dog). This hobby has completely destroyed your hobby (gardening). It's also damaged your house, including antique furniture. It's also scaring the existing pet.

And you can't enjoy taking this particular dog for walks because you know he's not properly trained and too powerful for you - he will have you over if he sees a rabbit. You can't enjoy having this particular dog around the house because it's not properly trained so it's messing up the house (and a clean house is important to you). You can't enjoy the dog...

And why the heck is the crate in the living room rather than the kitchen? Couldn't your husband have picked a less disruptive room than the place where you both relax?

I grew up with dogs and my first job was in a kennels - but I'm not surprised you absolutely hate this dog and want nothing to do with it. Your husband appears to have simply consulted his own wishes on this. Firstly he pressures you into having a dog in the first place, then secondly, he picks one that satisfies his wishes, rather than considering what kind of dog is likely to bond with a family where at least one member isn't very fond of dogs. Finally he hasn't properly trained the dog; relying on the person who hates dogs to assist in training!

What might make me consider relationship counselling or divorce is that he seems to have unconsciously (I hope!) selected a breed of dog that's currently destroying everything you love and everything that helps you relax. There are no positives for you with this dog. They're all his.

I feel sorry for this dog, and like a lot of people upthread, I'm not terribly impressed with the breeder who sold a working breed dog to an inexperienced owner in a relatively small house/garden who works full-time. I don't know if this is an 'irretrievable breakdown of marriage', but it certainly sounds like an irretrievable breakdown of any possible relationship between you and the dog.

So, make it clear. Either your husband contacts a GSP rescue society for some advice about rehoming or retraining, or you are absolutely serious about contacting a lawyer.

Your husband has taken up a new hobby (the dog). This hobby has completely destroyed your hobby (gardening). It's also damaged your house, including antique furniture. It's also scaring the existing pet
I think this describes the situation very well. I also think that what is being described as an act of sabotage by the husband against the OP.

Really good post.

Mine stops whatever she is doing (last night she was about to shake the rain off herself in my hallway) the second I click my fingers at her
RESPECT ✊😎

Yes it is wrong considering you got a dog! I genuinely had sympathy for you yesterday but after reading your updates, I am disgusted that you even agreed to it when you knew from the outset that you weren’t even going to try. I had assumed you had decided to try and unfortunately found it too much. Poor dog deserves better than this.

Completely this.
I'm not a dog owner. I like dogs but don't love them. I recognise that my lifestyle doesn't allow me to have one in a way that would be fair to me or the dog.

I was on OP's side yesterday. Her later posts are bizarre. It's clear she was never prepared to be a responsible dog owner & I think she's been really unfair to her DH (and obviously, the dog). I have a lot more sympathy with her H position now - it's her lack of honesty if I were him that would be upsetting.

It was pretty clear to DH that I am not going to put the time in daily, and the task is on him. However, I did give it a try from time to time initially until I got fed up as found it dumb and boring and it was not getting me anywhere nearer to bonding or wanting a dog! (I do love giving the dog lots of treats though).

I just re-read this. From this I conclude DH was not doing the training (tho OP doesn't say explicitly) and clearly OP won't either.

I have no words for someone deciding a necessary responsible task if you are dog-owner is 'dumb & boring'.

It seems both OP & her H are a disgrace.

wow some people here are nuts

no you shouldnt have agreed to this dog i get that but now its tearing up the home frightening the cat that already lives ther eand stressing out op-its not fair on the majority not the minority

Maybe some of you missed the part where the OP said SHE NEVER WANTED A DOG. I do agree with some of you that are saying OP should have stuck to her guns and say NO to the dog.

I think Op's husband is a manipulative piece of shit for guilt tripping her into getting a dog that she never wanted.

The way forward? LTB and LTD. They both can live happily ever after.

It’s perfectly ok to agree not a dog despite not massively wanting one. If DP had done his due diligence he could a found a small relatively docile dog that didn’t need a huge amount of walking and was easy for him to train and handle.

If he had done that OP wouldn’t be here.