Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

Why should she be expected to do dog training? Her stupid husband is the one who insisted on this animal coming into the house; he should be training it.

because training a dog isn't a thing that one person in a household can do in isolation. Dogs are social animals who bond with their family and training includes learning and respecting their rank within the family. The only way OP can be totally uninvolved in the training is if the relationship is over and she is no longer part of the family unit, and lives elsewhere. This should have been understood before the dog was acquired.

No it’s not wrong. And you are clear on what you want.
it’s just a pity that you and DP now want different things in life.
Despite you having said this, he has probably had difficulty in recognising that you mean it categorically. Tell him ( as nicely as you can ) again.
If he cannot change his position re the dog, which he is entitled to the same as you isn’t he ? then it looks as if you will need to live apart or end the relationship.

Hi OP, sorry I don't have any stories of outcomes for couples who have got to this stage. I'm amongst the vast majority of posters here who are highly critical of your husband and wholly sympathetic to you.

Just popping on one last time to wish you the very best. None of this is in any way your fault, so whatever happens from here on - as well as all the anguish you have already gone through - is all on your husband.

I feel for you. Can you outsource more, get a daily dogwalker? Dog sounds bored if it is causing so much chaos.

Your very long response is helpful OP. I'm one of those people who is potty about all animals and would do anything for my dog, but I am absolutely on your side. I agree that there's no point in you trying to implement the kindly meant suggestions and solutions - you have (as they say in here) got 'the ick' where the dog is concerned and there's really no coming back from that.

I think your husband needs to make his choice - let's hope he was just bluffing, silly man.

Yes it is wrong considering you got a dog! I genuinely had sympathy for you yesterday but after reading your updates, I am disgusted that you even agreed to it when you knew from the outset that you weren’t even going to try. I had assumed you had decided to try and unfortunately found it too much. Poor dog deserves better than this.

It is what it is now. So on that basis one of you is going to be very unhappy or you will need to split.

you have my sympathy OP, is there anyway of building a proper dog kennel and run in the garden - dogs do need peace and quiet, and can do a lot of sleeping

o

have not RTFT. Pets are supposed to enhance your life, not make them stressful and full of conflict.

Destroying my house and garden? i have to go upstairs if i want calm and tidy?
Nope. Not in my own home (mind you: i would have been gone at the point the dog became a possiblity)

I would be letting him, and the dog go. Sorry OP it sounds awful

Thank you for tips. Unfortunately I really don't want to do any of those things you offer. Just don't. Not interested and not my thing. I don't want to bond with it and frankly don't have the time or energy for all this. I lead a very busy life, full-on job and ambitions of my own which happens to be non-dog related.
Is this wrong?
yes its wrong, you can not get a dog and only one person looks after it etc. That's not how looking after pets works. This is why rescues and shelters will not home an animal unless every one in the household is 100 per cent on board. Trainers and behaviorists will tell you this too. You need to be on the same team and out in the same amount of work. There are going to be days when he is not there etc. Building a kennel and shoving it in the garden is not the answer either. If you are

Half my post disappeared
If you are nit going to out in the work, you need too rehome the dog. If not then need to serious discuss with your husband where your marriage is going

While I can see you'd rather get rid of the dog, are you really ok with the pain it will cause someone you are supposed to love?

I think it is pretty shitty that you won't at least try to solve the situation in a way that is less awful for him.

If you have checked out of the relationship to that extent, then I don't see much of a future for you, so he may as well keep his dog!

I feel for you OP...you were really forced into this, despite knowing that you didn't want a dog. Which is not on!

However...and I say this with respect and sympathy for you...I'd have chosen my dog over my partner if I'd been asked to choose 🤷‍♀️

Hope you can find a compromise 💐

The OP is dealing with some fairly loopy comments pretty well.

I don’t know how you haven’t got angrier OP. The impact the dog has had on your lifestyle and happiness is really significant.

I commented earlier, and have since read your updates.

If you cannot live with the dog, then best rehome the dog, and possibly your husband too.

For what it’s worth, I think your DH has been an idiot , taking on a dog who may look the part but requires an awful lot of stimulation/ training to be happy.
It seems clear that DH has no idea of the work involved in training a puppy- those lovely, non pulling , calm dogs he meets on walks are very much a product of effort.

You ask if your marriage can survive this? Not while your DH is so enamoured of the dog .

In fact, I’m flicking through more comments now… “don’t you love your DH? it will cause him so much pain”

what about YOUR pain? Doesn’t he love you? Flipping heck.

@Knitterofcrap , off topic but I love your name.

The other day I was looking for a place in France for the half term and realised so many places don't agree to a dog. (Who can blame them!?) More so, the ordeal and expense of taking a dog abroad was very demoralising. Who wants to deal with that?
A lot of us do deal with it and routinely travel abroad with dogs. But at this point in the thread it's become very clear just how naïve you and your husband are. Did neither of you give absolutely any thought at all to the consequences of getting a dog?

Finally, has anyone here actually separated due to a dog or similar situation? Did it actually came down to a divorce. Sorry if I missed your comment if this came up along the tread but I would love to hear your story.
And so would, no doubt, would the Daily Mail.

I didn’t realise there was a cat involved too. Poor thing, must’ve been extremely stressful for puss too.

sounds like it’s time to rehome the husband. Never been in this exact situation but my first husband announced at one point that ‘we’d be getting dogs’. I said I would not live with dogs, the smell literally makes me sick. He’d never raised this before, just decided to drop it on me once married. Fortunately we split over something else and it never became an issue.

But I feel like the dog is a red herring obscuring the underlying compatibility issues, and that husband doesn’t seem to think OP’s needs, wishes and mental health matter.

OK, and what happens if you have a dog which turns out to have or develop severe separation anxiety issues, so that you can't leave them?

Then you have to rethink but why go looking for trouble? Most dogs are fine in kennels and you don’t know unless you try.

While I can see you'd rather get rid of the dog, are you really ok with the pain it will cause someone you are supposed to love?

and yet DH isn't keeping up his end of the bargain and is keeping a dog which is causing pain to someone he is supposed to love.

tbh OP this is a bit of a stand-off situation. One of you will have to give up something you love (you your garden and clean, calm house, him his dog)

You need a sensible conversation. But I do know what I'd do in your shoes (tbh, i wouldn't be in those shoes. I will never ever have a dog in my home. That is the end of it)

OP as you asked if anyone else has really ended their relationship over the issue: This thread (not mine!) from a few months ago had similar themes but interesting as the poster was coming out the other end of years of being tied by dogs... and then the husband wanted a brand new one. She really laid it on the line to him and was prepared to part over it...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4678076-partner-wants-a-new-dog-i-dont-end-of-the-relationship?page=3&reply=122284805

Re. your pup, the breeder sounds pretty irresponsible as well really, selling this hard-work breed to your husband to live in a city semi with you both working fulltime and, especially, your DH not actually being "dog people". Like, he thinks he is but if he hasn't had one for the last couple of decades, AND he is now not fully putting in the work, yeah, he's not really, is he? (My DP would be the same, we can't have one because of where we live but if/when we move, I have concerns about how effective a trainer he will be).

It sounds incredibly stressful, at first I thought your children were at the already left home stage but it seems not, so you really have too much on your plate. Would a medium-term separation until the dog is 3 or so be completely mad?

My bet is this is the tip of the iceberg with your selfish husband.

I cannot believe that a good man would bully someone to such an extent.

Your house and garden destroyed.

Your cat terrorised.

He doesn't give a monkeys for anyone.

As another poster mentioned he has detached from your marriage and could care less about you.

In your place I would start organising yourself and initiate a separation, and he can move out with his new partner until the house is sold.

I had the same issue big dog /puppy small house. I not interested in walking the dag I used to have to take to day care £25 day when I worked. £££

My DH I will walk etc of course did not when novelty wore off

In end I gave the dog to my friend who loves it and lives in country better for me better for dog

I think this possibly could get better for you having the dog but it would be a big commitment from you to accept and embrace the new reality.

I'm not saying you should btw just that it's possible. At the moment you cannot bond with the dog because you can't accept it so all you see are the negatives.

I have always had dogs and all the things about them you say are absolutely true.
Expensive, messy, dickheads.

But I love dogs and love having them in my family so I get all of the amazing bits too. I get comfort, love, the joy of seeing them happy and content. Something to get me out of the house and in nature.
So all the rubbish bits matters less.

Ultimately both you and your husband will need to decide what's most important and how much you want to prioritise your marriage.

Is your marriage important enough to you to put up with the dog?
Is it important enough to him to rehome the dog?

There isn't really a compromise position here.
So you can stand firm but with the understanding that he might choose the dog.

It's really unfair of him to have pressured you into this in the first place and I do agree with others who ask if this situation is indicative of wider issues in your relationship.