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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very difficult situation

774 replies

ulabella · 14/03/2023 07:50

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 15/03/2023 00:12

The commitment to staying close and being restricted in travel arrangement. The other day I was looking for a place in France for the half term and realised so many places don't agree to a dog. (Who can blame them!?) More so, the ordeal and expense of taking a dog abroad was very demoralising. Who wants to deal with that? I don't have the will, patience or money. Sorry. by the way travelling is massively important to me and one my biggest passions and MH fixer

I’m one of your sympathisers and I’m also utterly besotted with our little dog. She doesn’t stop us travelling because she goes into kennels when we go on holiday. Dogs don’t have to restrict travel; you just don’t take them. In your case, you also get a break from the dog. Win/win.

Original poster
ulabella · 15/03/2023 00:15

ArdeteiMasazxu · 14/03/2023 14:19

YANBU but I agree with PP that what's happening here is that your DH is no longer committed to your relationship and thought that devoting himself to a new canine best friend would be a better way to transfer his affections away from you rather than going off with another woman. YANBU to say it's you or the dog, but your DH WNBU to choose the dog - when you bring a dog into your home it is a lifelong commitment and a good person doesn't just send their dog off to be rehomed if it doesn't work out. The dog didn't create this situation, and there should have been a hell of a lot more thought put into all this before making such an enormous commitment.

If your DH really wants to save the marriage, he could dedicate the next 6 months to an intensive programme for training the dog and himself, including days that the dog spends with a trainer elsewhere to give you some dog-free time at home. There are pet behavioural specialists that can help at a much more intensive level than a typical puppy school. Whilst it would be expensive, this would be a lot cheaper than a divorce, but it may be that a divorce was what he wanted all along.

Appreciate your comment. It's funny, as I often compared the dog to having an affair. I asked DH a few times if he would expect me to 'put up with it' and 'get use to it' if he were to take a lover? I can totally see how the dog is an like an emotional affair that may well reflect on the state of our marriage at this point of our life, but nevertheless this is not a legitimate reason for an affair or a dog or whatever emotional pacifier you choose over dealing with the issue with bravery and dignity

OP posts:
StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 15/03/2023 00:19

LadyHarmby · 14/03/2023 16:30

I’m astounded by the number of people who think it’s ok that he has said he would choose the dog over the OP. I think that’s really messed up.

I don’t know how you save your marriage OP as I personally couldn’t come back from that.

The OP started with the marriage-ending talk. There's a good chance he doesn't really mean to choose the dog, rather he doesn't like ultimatums.

He's still a twat mind you, for creating this situation then letting it get so bad.

whynotwhatknot · 15/03/2023 00:29

This is getting worse your cat needs to be put in a safe room because of the dog-the cat who lived there first?

he hasnt trained it at all has he he just think its cute and funny that a puppy is doing all these things

dont tell me he wont put it in a kennell either will he so you can go away

Original poster
ulabella · 15/03/2023 00:29

JussathoB · 14/03/2023 16:22

@Willowweaving777 your post has lots of really useful information.
We have a working springer who at times I have found exhausting but due to also finding she brings me joy when we walk outside and she runs around, tail wagging, we have adapted. Ideas include use of stair gates etc, she is in a crate overnight and we take one with us on holiday, she is never left unsupervised except in the kitchen, we have attended various training including scent training and agility, she has three walks a day including at least one run off lead, we use a lot of treats, and don’t care about the garden. We absolutely love her at the same time as trying to warn our adult DC that it is not a good idea to get a dog.
OP my advice to you is to try to bond with the dog. Start with plenty of chicken or sausage, some suitable toys eg tug e nuf, and a plan for a suitable walk/play/training session. If needed get a dog trainer to help you. Start small, the aim is to get you to feel that YOU can manage the dog, including some activity, brushing, feeding and putting to rest in a safe place.
Then see how you feel about the dog.

Thank you for tips. Unfortunately I really don't want to do any of those things you offer. Just don't. Not interested and not my thing. I don't want to bond with it and frankly don't have the time or energy for all this. I lead a very busy life, full-on job and ambitions of my own which happens to be non-dog related.

Is this wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
ulabella · 15/03/2023 00:37

Dustybarn · 14/03/2023 14:53

A bit about the breed. My brother has always had GSPs - usually 4 at a time, for the past 30 years. They are gun dogs and have been rigorously trained. As such they live outside with a covered cosy sleeping area in the garage and they have a huge garden to play in. They are pack dogs so they like company and they amuse themselves by hunting wildlife in the garden and they are smart and hunt as a team. This is what the breed that your DH has chosen is supposed to do. If you want to try a last ditch solution I would suggest you move the dog outside (as much as possible and certainly all day), get it a friend for company (something small and tough) and your DH will have to step up hugely on the walking etc. My brother’s dogs walk around 25km in a day on a hunt and they do this for days on end. Your garden will suffer but that is the compromise to a peaceful home. I am no dog expert and maybe there are better ways to manage it - maybe an expert will make suggestions.

All this is highlighting how sad it is for our dog. We live in a semi in the city with a very average size garden. He only allowed on the ground floor. I often feel sad the dog don't get to do the things he was born to do.
A bird in a cage.

OP posts:
Original poster
ulabella · 15/03/2023 00:42

BarrelOfOtters · 14/03/2023 13:45

don't think she's coming back....

Unfortunately I didn't book the day off. Sorry

OP posts:
summerpoolandsun · 15/03/2023 00:43

OP I completely relate to how you describe life with a dog. We looked after a friends dog for a week and the best part of it was going home. I couldn’t stand how the dog controlled the house, it felt like we were relegated to the bedroom to feel free as we had to close the door downstairs to keep it there so could never relax downstairs. I really feel for you. I think you should maybe have counselling with DH? It doesn’t have to be loads of sessions but just a few and see how it goes? Just as he loves dogs, you love travel, your garden and calm and if you are going to stay together there needs to be an understanding of each other’s needs. I’m not sure where the compromise is or how to make it, in warmer countries dogs can live outside in kennels. I’m not sure if things like insulated kennels exist in the U.K.? I don’t know. Maybe an insulated outbuilding or something? And then like a PP said when you want to travel the dog can be put in kennels. I don’t know if these things are practical but they are the only way I could cope with a dog.

SevenShortDays · 15/03/2023 00:49

You both sound really irresponsible. He pressured you into it. You gave in knowing you didn’t want the dog.

Humans are crap. Poor dog.

Original poster
ulabella · 15/03/2023 00:55

SevenShortDays · 15/03/2023 00:49

You both sound really irresponsible. He pressured you into it. You gave in knowing you didn’t want the dog.

Humans are crap. Poor dog.

So you never regretted anything you ever agreed to? I wanted to be fair to my DH as appreciated it was important to him and was possibly naively and foolishly hopeful for a better outcome.

He promised he will deal with it all but clearly whatever he is doing or dealing with is not enough to make this manageable for me.

You don't know what you don't know.

OP posts:
SevenShortDays · 15/03/2023 01:01

ulabella · 15/03/2023 00:55

So you never regretted anything you ever agreed to? I wanted to be fair to my DH as appreciated it was important to him and was possibly naively and foolishly hopeful for a better outcome.

He promised he will deal with it all but clearly whatever he is doing or dealing with is not enough to make this manageable for me.

You don't know what you don't know.

Show quote history

Not with living creatures, no. All adults in the house have to be on board because it will inevitably impact them.

Snd if my partner didn’t take care of a living creature as he’d said, I couldn’t respect him anyway do l’d be done.

Poor dog.

SevenShortDays · 15/03/2023 01:02

so I’d be done.

marchella · 15/03/2023 01:23

Can you compromise? Fence off a section of the yard. Kiddy gates are wonderful for keeping puppies out of rooms. So just have the rooms that are puppy available and the rest aren't. They really aren't much trouble once the puppy time is done.

SarahDippity · 15/03/2023 01:26

if, as is widely accepted, it’s better to take a rehomed dog than to buy a dog, it stands to reason that dogs can have fulfilling and happy lives with new owners that want and love them. We don’t rehome spouses or children, because human relationships are different. Therefore I can’t understand how anyone would prioritise their obligation to a pet over their obligation to an important person in their lives. Yes, the dog would be missed and it would be hard, but humans > pets and anyone that thinks differently needs to look hard at what is important in life.

Derbee · 15/03/2023 01:46

It’s not about pets over people. It’s about a fundamental belief in the morality of getting a pet and dumping it, versus getting a pet and making the commitment.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who would give away a pet. I would lose all respect for them, as I’d find it callous and cold, and it would make me question their emotional trustworthiness.

SevenShortDays · 15/03/2023 01:55

Derbee · 15/03/2023 01:46

It’s not about pets over people. It’s about a fundamental belief in the morality of getting a pet and dumping it, versus getting a pet and making the commitment.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who would give away a pet. I would lose all respect for them, as I’d find it callous and cold, and it would make me question their emotional trustworthiness.

Its exactly this.

sandyhappypeople · 15/03/2023 02:28

I have 3 dogs, and they’re an absolute joy, I appreciate not everyone feels the same though, and cleanliness aside, I personally think it takes very little effort to ‘train’ a dog because in my experience all dogs need is a close bond and they want to please you, it’s in their nature, you’ll always get derps who are the exception to that rule though! 😂

the thing that strikes me about this is that you agreed to get a dog but in you words ‘can’t be bothered’ with it, you’re talking as if this is something that has happened to you rather than a joint decision, I’d feel sorry for you if he’d just bought it home one day but he didn’t, you agreed, you didn’t do any research, or put your foot down about what breed would be acceptable, and now can’t be arsed with it, but the poor thing can’t win as you’re never going to have a happy (well behaved) dog if you don’t put ANY time and effort into it. I feel sad for the dog in all this.

echt · 15/03/2023 02:48

Never mind the silly cost, but it's like physio. You are given a set of tasks and if you don't practice consistently it's pretty much a waist of money. It was pretty clear to DH that I am not going to put the time in daily, and the task is on him. However, I did give it a try from time to time initially until I got fed up as found it dumb and boring and it was not getting me anywhere nearer to bonding or wanting a dog! (I do love giving the dog lots of treats though)

You had my utter sympathy, OP until this bit. You quite rightly want the dog to be well-trained but did not put in the time. It can't be done by one person, both have to do exactly the same thing with the dog for it to to stick.Like a child. No use at all complaining about its behaviour when you don't follow through.

Your DH behaved like a total arse, but you're not coming out of this well either.

Daffodil18 · 15/03/2023 03:09

I could have written your post myself. I was/am in the same situation. We got a cockerpoo 6 years ago and I regret it everyday. I thought it would get easier when he passed the ‘puppy’ stage ….. he is still boisterous. I would definitely dig your heals in and rehome the dog before years pass and then it really makes you feel resentful. I wish someone had told me that my feelings would not change.

LuckyPeonies · 15/03/2023 03:12

OP, it sounds like the current situation is a symptom of much deeper relationship issues. If you both value your marriage enough to really try to work things out, I suggest counseling. If you don’t, his offer to leave with the dog may be best.

Kokeshi123 · 15/03/2023 03:27

Blossomtoes · 15/03/2023 00:12

The commitment to staying close and being restricted in travel arrangement. The other day I was looking for a place in France for the half term and realised so many places don't agree to a dog. (Who can blame them!?) More so, the ordeal and expense of taking a dog abroad was very demoralising. Who wants to deal with that? I don't have the will, patience or money. Sorry. by the way travelling is massively important to me and one my biggest passions and MH fixer

I’m one of your sympathisers and I’m also utterly besotted with our little dog. She doesn’t stop us travelling because she goes into kennels when we go on holiday. Dogs don’t have to restrict travel; you just don’t take them. In your case, you also get a break from the dog. Win/win.

OK, and what happens if you have a dog which turns out to have or develop severe separation anxiety issues, so that you can't leave them?

This was the dog that my sister's exH insisted on getting. Every holiday had to involve the bloody dog as they couldn't leave her.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/03/2023 04:50

Well this sounds like hell on wheels - I adore dogs but an adolescent working breed, and a large breed, and a male and they're not fast to mature either - he'll be a dreadful teenager for probably another 12 months - when you absolutely don't like dogs and don't want to do any dog stuff...

Unfortunately if you won't involve yourself in sticking to training and management strategies, then dog will take longer to become nice to live with.

If you don't involve yourself in training, the dog will not consider you someone to listen to.

You can't have a dog where one of the resident adults is undoing the work the other is putting in, even if the other is putting in a ton of work and doing all the right things.

It is perfectly possible to give a GSP a good pet home, Dustybarns is talking crap about them being a 'pack dog' they aren't, no dog in fact is, and GSP's are bred to work one to one or occasionally, two to one, with a human, not off on their own in a big group. Dogs who live outside, unless they are being worked all day long, are not happy dogs, they're bored dogs craving human company and direction - so don't use this as an excuse.

Ultimately either you pitch in and do your best to help your DP make this a nice dog to live with.

Or he leaves you, and keeps the dog.

Or the dog is returned to the breeder, and you and he see if that decision affects your relationship.

You can really only make one of these decisions, the other two are down to him in the end.

This sort of shit show, is why I tell people not to pressure others to get a dog, rehoming a 10 month old twatty adolescent male is shit for the dog and no matter how much you dislike him, he is absolutely blameless here, your DP and to some extent you, are.

Ludo19 · 15/03/2023 05:27

I feel sorry for the cat......

ign0re · 15/03/2023 05:57

I truly empathise! As someone who has a pointer, has regretted it but also have come to the other side. Ours is coming up for the infamous 2 now and the improvement is unrecognisable really.

Send the dog away for some training, give yourself a break.
at the very least they’ll come back tired.

Its hard work having a dog like this anywhere other than the countryside.

these dogs are clever, give them an inch, they’ll take as many miles as they can get.

They are working dogs not pets. If everyone is extremely strict with them, do not tolerate any poor behaviour, and keep up the training you will see a massive improvement.

you mentioned they are too powerful for you to walk? So I assume they pull? This is a very easily fixable behaviour. However the training must be put in, so I’d question what training your husband is doing. He should be starting with the basics such as walking nicely on lead. It is possible.

this dog will improve with time and the right training, although it does sound like you’ll never adjust to this so may be time to move on!

Kokeshi123 · 15/03/2023 06:30

echt · 15/03/2023 02:48

Never mind the silly cost, but it's like physio. You are given a set of tasks and if you don't practice consistently it's pretty much a waist of money. It was pretty clear to DH that I am not going to put the time in daily, and the task is on him. However, I did give it a try from time to time initially until I got fed up as found it dumb and boring and it was not getting me anywhere nearer to bonding or wanting a dog! (I do love giving the dog lots of treats though)

You had my utter sympathy, OP until this bit. You quite rightly want the dog to be well-trained but did not put in the time. It can't be done by one person, both have to do exactly the same thing with the dog for it to to stick.Like a child. No use at all complaining about its behaviour when you don't follow through.

Your DH behaved like a total arse, but you're not coming out of this well either.

Why should she be expected to do dog training? Her stupid husband is the one who insisted on this animal coming into the house; he should be training it.