Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I’m astounded by the number of people who think it’s ok that he has said he would choose the dog over the OP. I think that’s really messed up.

I don’t know how you save your marriage OP as I personally couldn’t come back from that.

Totally agree @IhearyouClemFandango Like I said though, I don’t really get that emotionally enmeshed with romantic partners. I love my DC to bits and would happily die to protect them.

I adore my dog.

Men…… meh

I quite like dogs but, having never owned one, I can’t understand the mentality of someone who would choose a dog over a spouse. And to be perfectly honest, if DH ever said he’d choose a dog over our marriage, that’s the relationship over for me. How utterly disrespectful. I’m so sorry. Nobody should ever come second place to a dog - or any pet for that matter!

Surely it depends on the spouse and the state of the marriage? Animal lover was one of the top priorities for me. Having cats was so important to me I wouldn't have entertained the idea of marrying someone who didn't feel the same way. If he hated cats (or any other animal for that matter) we'd have been too far apart for it to have worked.

Agree.

The dog my be happy to have a companion, but OP won't.

Could you say that the only way the dog can stay is if it is not allowed in the garden and certain rooms so you can puppy proof the bits he is allowed in?

Do not believe any one that says a dog does not shed

This is true of most breeds.

There are some non-shedding breeds eg poodle, bedlington terrier, but they need to be regularly clipped (every 6-8 weeks and it's expensive) or they bring in mud, twigs, leaves, insects etc on their increasingly shaggy coats.

You can't rely on cockerpoos/ labradoodles/ similar crosses being non-shedding, because they can have a coat type like the non-poodle parent.

Longer-haired breeds tend to drop bits of hair and then have a massive moult twice a year or so. Short-haired breeds like a GSP moult constantly - hair comes out all f the time and gets stuck in carpets etc.

Dogs, much as I love them, bring no end of filth into your home. (I have 3 spaniels in full coat - my life is washing, dusting and hoovering, but it's my choice and no-one foisted it upon me.)

@Derbee

I think anyone who was so devoid of normal emotion that they would tell me to just get rid of our dog, would make me choose the dog over them. I’m sorry you’ve been pressured into getting a dog, but it’s unfathomable now for your husband to have to get rid of it.

Are you having a laugh? It's the person favouring their new dog over their partner of many years (who they have children with) who is 'devoid of emotion.' NOT the person who is being fucked and dumped for a dog.

If a partner of mine of many years bought a dog and decided it was more important than me, I'd be binning him. You have to have a seriously shit relationship really for either one to favour a new pet over their life partner..

@bluebeck

I would choose my beloved dog over a partner, but then I have never loved a partner as much as I love my dog. I appreciate some posters find this difficult to understand but it’s the truth. Only my DC come before dog

I don’t really get that emotionally enmeshed with romantic partners. I love my DC to bits and would happily die to protect them......... I adore my dog.

Men…… meh.

How sad. It's understanding that you adore your dog, but very sad and depressing that you have never found love with any man, and would always favour a dog over any man - ever.

@HeavenIsAHalfpipe Honestly, I couldn’t be happier. My life is full of love.

I suspect many posters would be shocked if they got honest feedback from their partners about who comes above them in the pecking order.

And I guess I have loved the odd man for a short period of time here and there. But not as much as I love my kids.

Or my dog 😂

You can't say that. Op doesn't want to train and look after the dog, that wasn't the deal. You need to have some interest in an animal to want to take time to train it. Fucking hell I can't think of anything worse than being forced to train a dog, and to engage with a trainer and behaviourist, all with an animal you didn't even want.

This thread is batshit. Op's only posted once by the way. 😅

@Richhandcream regardless if it wasn't the deal not they both live in the house and the dog is affecting her now. That is the situation as it is, no point going back oh this wasnt the deal or not, deal with the current situation as it is and resolve it if she has no interest whatsoever then dog needs to be rehomed. Do not get a dog unless every one is 100 per cent on board. That's why i said she needs to a serious conversation, if dog is staying she needs to compromise and work with engaging the dog and training it. She can not live in the house and ignore it completely. that will not work.

I agree with this.

And my sympathies are entirely with the OP.

Then don’t agree to a dog. I’m assuming the fact that you don’t want a dog means you wont have one.

All the people saying poor op pushed into it. No - this is a life we’re talking about &if you don’t want a dog & all that comes with it, then say NO!

Rescue centres are on their knees with waiting lists & closes doors because of situations like these & ones equally as irresponsible.

OP asked for help to resolve the deadlock. There’s no easy answer. There are 3 options in no particular order.

1. the dog goes
2. the dog and the DH go.
3. OP and DH work together to train the dog to not destroy the house and the garden. Probably with help from an outside trainer or behaviourist (anyone remember ‘it’s me or the dog’ TV programme?!).

OP agreed to the dog she needs to get involved if they decide on staying together and keeping the dog.

It’s the dog I feel for not the OP or the DH.

Bad enough to be forced into having a dog (and I say this having 2 myself) but having to live with an unwanted, under exercised puppy would be horrendous.

It's not just the walks either, it sounds like this puppy needs mental stimulation - it's a smart breed and needs a lot of work plus a proper up for 2 hours/down for 2 hours sleep schedule.

I have a 14 month old similar breed. DH and I both work from home, and it's still tough to keep her amused! And we have another dog!

If your DH can disregard how you feel about this, then I think you have bigger problems than the puppy. But regardless, he needs to step up now.

I am not sure how your oh did his research because a gundog is not an ideal first dog . If he is taking him for long walks then can you not section of a small part of the garden for times the dog needs to toilet and to keep it away from plants ? Your OH must do the cleaning up of dog hairs and ensure there is regular grooming . If you have hard floors tell him he must buy you a robot Hoover . Also it does sound like you have not bonded with the dog , so I am not sure things will improve tbh . But try and see if there are solutions to the problems first as this stage will pass .

DH choosing dog over DW, I wonder how far this goes. If your house was burning down or if there was an accident would DH rescue the dog before rescuing you?

Just trying to get my head round the fact that the marriage vows you exchanged and life you have shared with your DH to date mean less to your DH than the dog you have had for a few months. I personally wouldn’t be able to move on from this and would leave if my DH said this to me.

I think Mumsanetta has hit the nail on the head here. I would also split in this situation, and would want DH to leave as I reckon he would probably save dog before OP.

I would save my dog before any human except my own DC. It is what it is. Nobody is necessarily wrong, but this situation has shown OP she really isn’t high on her husband’s priority list.

Are you coming back OP? It's a bit rude to ignore so many posters.

I think you agreed to get a dog (albeit after a lot of nagging from your DH) so now you are going to have to suck it up. Not fair on the dog otherwise.

I do get what you are saying, as we have a dog and I am not very fond of it either (it has destroyed our house and so many belongings, and is such a tie) but I wouldn't get rid of him - he is my responsibility for the rest of his life.

Not at all. Rescue centres are full to the brim, and healthy dogs are being euthanised all the time, because people don’t stick to their commitments when they take on a dog.

If OP didn’t want a dog, she shouldn’t have agreed. The fact that she agreed means that it’s unacceptable to just get rid now that she’s changed her mind.

I could not be in a relationship with someone with so little regard for life, that they’d casually get rid of a dog that should be a lifelong commitment

I had a similar situation years ago when my pointer was a puppy. They can be very destructive but it came to a moment when i said me or the dog. Thankfully we got over it and the dog calmed down quickly and i could never have lived without her from about 1.5 years in. They can be the loyalist and most lovable dogs but very highly strung and hate being left alone and they need a lot of exercise. Stick with it is my advice

And I couldn't be in a relationship anymore, with someone I had been with for 20-25 years or more and had CHILDREN with, who put a fucking DOG that he ONLY JUST GOT a few months ago, before me. Shows he doesn't give a shit about me or the marriage. A pretty shitty way to treat your wife, and the mother of your children. You must have a very low bar and low self esteem if you think the way the OP's husband has treated her is acceptable.

Wow, what an overwhelming round of comments! Thank you so much for this. So much support and empathy it's really moving.

Sorry for not getting back sooner, just busy with work, kids and ... a dog?

I can respond more generally to some of the points raised and questions asked but apologies in advance if I didn't responded more personally.

So re training commitments - I actually insisted on professional training earlier on as a condition for putting up with the dog. It was so important to me and I wanted to be fair to my husband, showing him I am trying to find practical solutions to MY discomfort. While DH was not objecting at all, it was me who found a dog trainer within days and got her in for the first session. Never mind the silly cost, but it's like physio. You are given a set of tasks and if you don't practice consistently it's pretty much a waist of money. It was pretty clear to DH that I am not going to put the time in daily, and the task is on him. However, I did give it a try from time to time initially until I got fed up as found it dumb and boring and it was not getting me anywhere nearer to bonding or wanting a dog! (I do love giving the dog lots of treats though).

Walking the dog - that is a nice idea and I love walking, hiking and going on countryside gateways. In reality he is too powerful for me and I simply not able to control him. Tough but true.

What I don't like about it? Oh gosh! Where do I begin...

The house is constantly dirty and I am a very clean person with very low threshold for discomfort or mess

Saliva and drooling all over my clothes - can't stand it and cant believe some people find it cute 🤮

The smell at home and in my car! Especially after a muddy walk.

My cat nearly moved out and only stayed because I created a cat-safe zone

Many objects ruined including two not cheap down jackets, two remote car keys, two remote controls, and the most painful of all - antique mahogany banister post which had not had a scratch on for 114 years, now chewed on two corners 😭😭😭

Dog hair everywhere and the worst is finding it where you wouldn't expect it

All the clutter that come with (ugly smelly toys and gear, a massive crate in the middle of my lovely living room, a messy smelly dog bed, now in the kitchen as I insisted on no dog bed in the living room..

The commitment to staying close and being restricted in travel arrangement. The other day I was looking for a place in France for the half term and realised so many places don't agree to a dog. (Who can blame them!?) More so, the ordeal and expense of taking a dog abroad was very demoralising. Who wants to deal with that? I don't have the will, patience or money. Sorry. by the way travelling is massively important to me and one my biggest passions and MH fixer

Extra expenses for food, vet, insurance and dog walkers

The constant movement around me, jumping etc

The stair gates - in two zones: between the kitchen and dining room, and a gate at the bottom of the stairs as dog not allowed upstairs. Constant open/close gates and when I forget I am being told off for forgetting oh, and if the dog does run upstairs the cat gets a hear attack 😬

And did I mentioned my garden, my hobby and joy being destroyed? With every branch that break, dead plant and a dug up pot my heart ache, it's like a knife in my stomach (and sorry if this sound so melodramatic but for a dog lover, I'm sure if their dog was getting attacked it will feel the same)

Shall I continue?.....

To the person who concluded I am joyless - I can only say you don't know me, you are quick to judge and i feel for you for labelling people who don't have the same wishes as you as joyless. This is the kind of mind-boggling shit non dog lovers need to put up with.

To those who say you'll get use to it - maybe but I don't want to try. I'll loose the will to live way before. Also why should I get use to it?

For the Boa Constrictor commentator - very funny a genius idea!! (if only I liked snakes) but you are bang on with this comparison

Finally, has anyone here actually separated due to a dog or similar situation? Did it actually came down to a divorce. Sorry if I missed your comment if this came up along the tread but I would love to hear your story.. I still can't comprehend divorce due to a random animal situation. On the other hand, it does make me realised that maybe this relationship is unsalvageable and we are comparable at all.

Thanks again for everything said so far, good or bad. keep it coming please 🙏