Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

A bit about the breed. My brother has always had GSPs - usually 4 at a time, for the past 30 years. They are gun dogs and have been rigorously trained. As such they live outside with a covered cosy sleeping area in the garage and they have a huge garden to play in. They are pack dogs so they like company and they amuse themselves by hunting wildlife in the garden and they are smart and hunt as a team. This is what the breed that your DH has chosen is supposed to do. If you want to try a last ditch solution I would suggest you move the dog outside (as much as possible and certainly all day), get it a friend for company (something small and tough) and your DH will have to step up hugely on the walking etc. My brother’s dogs walk around 25km in a day on a hunt and they do this for days on end. Your garden will suffer but that is the compromise to a peaceful home. I am no dog expert and maybe there are better ways to manage it - maybe an expert will make suggestions.

Hopefully the OP is either having a very serious talk with her DH, working her way through a list of dog trainers/doggy day care ... or phoning a lawyer.

God I’m really not sure that the solution to this is a second dog. Double the crap aside from anything 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think your husband is totally in the wrong here. He knew you didn't want a dog and yet, seemingly, pestered you until you finally gave in. Now he's threatening to leave you because, surprise surprise, you don't enjoy having a dog.
He should never have been persistent in basically forcing you to get a pet you didn't want.
Now he's saying he'd rather leave than get rid of the dog? I'd bloody let him. Selfish git.

It would be a Lawyer for me. Couldn't pay me to put up with that shit

You sound VERY judgmental. She just doesn't want a dog. I don't want a dog. Lots of people don't. End of. Nothing wrong with her.

I think anyone who was so devoid of normal emotion that they would tell me to just get rid of our dog, would make me choose the dog over them.

I’m sorry you’ve been pressured into getting a dog, but it’s unfathomable now for your husband to have to get rid of it

You're definitely not being unreasonable to not want an animal in your home. I'm sorry you were persuaded to do so, despite knowing you didn't want one.
It's quite normal to want a clean and peaceful house and garden, so no need to feel guilt about wanting that.

Dog owning is such a creed with some people that I think you might be unable to convince your husband to get rid of it. It's not really something you can compromise on either.

If your husband loves having a dog so much that he if prepared to lose his wife, then I think you need to make plans to wind things up straight away.

That's bizarre. It's just a pet. How childish!

You take your dog to poop in the park????

i echo what @B@Brezeli am dog lover but this has really opened up my eyes to how people pick their dogs. Does anyone not research what type of breed they are getting at all? Dogs are like having another child, Springer Spaniels German Shephard's etc are all hard working dogs that require lots of training and exercise, they are highly intelligent dogs who get board easily. There is no way i would get a dog if the rest of the house is not 100 per cent on board, a dog becomes part of the family and its takes a family to raise and look after it not one person. I disagree crate training it, a dog doesn't need to be locked up in carte to stop destruction, its needs to be trained properly given the correct stimulation. You need to have a serious chat with your Husband, decide what has to be done etc if the dog stays BOTH of you need to train and look after it. Engage with a trainer and behaviorist , Dog is going to shed, Do not believe any one that says a dog does not shed . Its hair it grows it falls out like our own hair. You will have chewing, thats why you need to have their own toys etc, You will have your garden attacked sometimes, not all dogs do this but this is where the behaviorist will help. As people say doggy day care helps too. Overall you need to be on the same team here, if not then i am sorry you need to be having a different conversation then and a hard decision to make

@Redebs my dog was never allowed to poop in the garden. That's what walks are for.

No it isn’t?? Dog gets rehomed. There simple. Very much fathomable if you want to have your loving partner by your side until you are old and grey in this case!

I think the first 2 years of owning a dog are worse than having a baby 😬, if your not all on board with training and caring for the dog it will be ten times worse.

The dog shouldn’t be pooping and peeing in the garden if it’s been walked enough. One long walk isn’t that ideal, 2 walks a day at least would ensure most dog poop isn’t done in your garden?

I am desperate for a dog but reading your post has reminded me how awful it is having a young dog/puppy. GSP was on my list of possibilities but now I’m thinking maybe it’s not the best breed for the size of my house/garden. I have had springer spaniels before and they have been crazy. Working dog breeds need a lot of stimulation and exercise.

You seem to have a DH problem.
I'm guessing that this will be about more than the dog.

He can see that you are very unhappy... and is letting this continue. 🚩 This is not love in action!

He is not dealing with the problems his dog creates for you in ways that he can. (Picking up poo in the garden - restraining the dog out there and not allowing digging - cleaning the house of hair etc.) 🚩Again - this is not love in action!

I am a dog lover and would never suggest that someone who didn't want one should be pushed into dog ownership. This is like wanting or not-wanting children.

How much of a loss would your DH be? How does that balance against being trapped into a 15 year relationship with his dog?

I think it's hard to break that black and white thinking.

I was told all my life: "don't trust people that don't like dogs,” etc, it took actually being around dogs for a good length of time to break my rigid thinking and realise that they're just chuffing dogs and that I don't particularly care about them. It's societal-indoctrination.

Anyone that can watch their supposed partner struggle this much because of a dog they’ve owned for less than a year) i’d going their partner a favour by cutting them loose.

I mean I don't like other peoples' kids but I love my own. Same with dogs. I might not be particularly invested in other people's dogs, but my own is a member of my family and I adore him. I would never rehome him to please a partner

I like other people's kids and my own. I'd rehome a pet if my DH wanted to.

Then you're thinking about yourself, not your dog.

I know what you mean; I have loved my dogs. I also don't have any at the moment, because I know I couldn't look after them properly.

But dogs live very much in the moment. They love you - but if you rehome them to an equally loving home, they'll be fine. Oh, they'll remember you and leap all over you when you see them again - but they aren't kids and they are fine with 'new human who looks after me.'

In this case, I feel really sorry for the dog and do wonder if it might be better rehomed. It's not been properly trained, it's not being given proper stimulation, it's upsetting one of its humans and it doesn't understand why ... because the human who is supposed to care for isn't teaching it what it can and can't do.

I would be really hurt to be honest if my husband prioritised a dog over me, I would think it’s over anyway. If this dog is so important to him than I think I’d leave him to it and do your own thing to be honest.

Yanbu op, I grew up with a much loved pet and we had a dog for 15 years before she passed. I will never, ever, ever get a dog. Ever. As much as we loved her, the sheer amount of work and care needed for a pet surpasses any love I would ever have for a pet again. It is a massive commitment and you really need to know what you are in for.

@Willowweaving777 your post has lots of really useful information.
We have a working springer who at times I have found exhausting but due to also finding she brings me joy when we walk outside and she runs around, tail wagging, we have adapted. Ideas include use of stair gates etc, she is in a crate overnight and we take one with us on holiday, she is never left unsupervised except in the kitchen, we have attended various training including scent training and agility, she has three walks a day including at least one run off lead, we use a lot of treats, and don’t care about the garden. We absolutely love her at the same time as trying to warn our adult DC that it is not a good idea to get a dog.
OP my advice to you is to try to bond with the dog. Start with plenty of chicken or sausage, some suitable toys eg tug e nuf, and a plan for a suitable walk/play/training session. If needed get a dog trainer to help you. Start small, the aim is to get you to feel that YOU can manage the dog, including some activity, brushing, feeding and putting to rest in a safe place.
Then see how you feel about the dog.

I would choose my beloved dog over a partner, but then I have never loved a partner as much as I love my dog. I appreciate some posters find this difficult to understand but it’s the truth.

Only my DC come before dog

OP you have been manipulated into this situation and I feel really sorry for you, it must be upsetting. However, I agree with PP that this relationship is finished. I would be making plans for a future without DH and of course, without the dog!

But what if the partner came first @bluebeck? So a partner of two decades vs a dog of 6 months? I would say that the bond with the former can’t be very strong if it was usurped that easily.