Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

don't think she's coming back....

I doubt very much any marriage ever hinged on whether to keep the dog or not. This is a symptom not a cause.

The poor dog will be picking up on the anxiety and tension you know.

🤣🤣 yes… poor dog. YANBU, I know people adore their dogs but it ain’t for me. In fact it would 100% tip me over the edge… difficult situation though. DH is the real dick for forcing the dog in the first place.

If a pet comes before me, the go. Seriously, if I come below the dog then I'm in the wrong relationship

Honestly I'd be more inclined to consider ending the marriage over your husband's lack of respect for you and your boundaries.
You didn't want a dog at all. He pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. You agreed eventually after he did some seemingly questionable research and tried to sell you his dream dog on faulty information or blatant lies (like the shedding). You didn't want that breed of dog and offered a compromise. He pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. At no point has he shown any willinghess to compromise or consider what you wanted or put thought into how you might feel.

I agree with a previous poster who said that your husband needs to step up and do more. He needs to be vacuuming dog hair every single day. He needs to be sorting the garden out every time the dog destroys it. The poo in the garden is vile and he should be picking it up immediately. I couldn’t live like that.

I quite like dogs but, having never owned one, I can’t understand the mentality of someone who would choose a dog over a spouse. And to be perfectly honest, if DH ever said he’d choose a dog over our marriage, that’s the relationship over for me. How utterly disrespectful. I’m so sorry. Nobody should ever come second place to a dog - or any pet for that matter!

The IP has said DH is devoted to the dog and trains and exercises the dog regularly. Puppies are just a nightmare and I say that as someone with 3 dogs.

If your garden is big enough I would create a fenced off area with a kennel that just the dog uses, that way the dog wouldn’t interfere with your part of the garden, maybe the dog could spend a bit more time in the garden then and less time in the house to give you some space. Also if you have a spare room in your house you could make that exclusively the dogs space. We wouldn’t have the space in our house to do that, but if you do, that’s an option.
The dog won’t live forever, it’s not worth damaging your marriage for. Your DH would resent you if you made him get rid of it.

One of my male friends got a dog just before lockdown. He’s virtually stopped going anywhere as he can’t leave the dog. The dog isn’t trained either, so he can’t just bring him to the pub, for instance. Calls the dog his son. I actually really like dogs but I couldn’t deal with this level of responsibility and logistics.

I’m afraid in your shoes I would ask him to pack his bags. He’s already shown you that the dog means more to him than you do. Bath by wearing away at you to say yes, and then choosing the dog over you at the impasse.

Whatever you decide, I’d put a blanket ban on the dog going in the garden. If necessary always on a short lead. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

“By” wearing away at you…

my DH had a puppy when we met. I like dogs but did not bond with this dog. But realised that the dog was before me so I just had to suck it up.

Which is completely different from your situation.

DDog lived until he was 18. I would say I did not bond with him for about 15 years but it did come in the end and I grieved for him when he died. So, the affection did come - eventually- and it took alot of work on my part to get over the - well resentment really as I reckon DH loved that dog more than anything really.

It is not a way of life I would recommend. So if you are at crunch point- then I have only sympathy. Puppies are destructive bastards and they DO grow out of it. So that might make it better. But only you know if you are able to wait for that time.

I am so sorry. It's an awful situation for all of you to be in- including the dog.

If my husband chose a dog he'd had for five minutes over our marriage, fuck him

100%! I have no advice OP but living with a dog that I don’t want sounds like my idea of hell

he cant have trained the dog if it wrecks the house and garden-tell him the dog needs more walks and training by him and is not negotiable

Don’t be so ridiculous!!!!
this is the most stupid post I’ve ever read on here!

YANBU.

Your husband has bullied you into a huge dog and I think his decision to plump for the dog rather than your marriage is a timely heads up.

Your husband sounds like an arse and I cannot imagine the stress of having a huge dog ruining your home and garden.

You however made a huge mistake ever entertaining this.

For a dog of under a year to come before a spouse is sad, but it does indicate the weakness of your union.

Start organising yourself and work on accepting your marriage is over.

Your husband sounds like an awful arse.

You kind of are being unreasonable in that who on earth would agree to a dog when they don’t want one and expect it to have no impact on family /your life?

That was very unfair on the doggo.
In the first instance, you’re DH is being lazy not picking up poo every day.
They don’t poop that much! In the morning, he watches where it goes then picks it up surely? Same for evening. Any thing in between, nip out and pick it up. It doesn’t take a lot to put your hand in a poo bag, pick it up and bin it.

You said your DH has been training the dog - but if it’s totally crazy and destroying your home, he hasn’t done a great job. Yes of course puppies/dogs will be dogs but you need boundaries and the dog needs toys of his own to love and chew.
Do you have a little under stairs cubby you could make the dog bed… with a stair gate across to close him in when need be - if you have guests/if he needs a sleep etc.

Has your DH taken him to dog training? Things would be less stressful if you also went.

I still can’t believe you agreed to a dog when you really didn’t want one.

Im so sorry you have had this experience.

He really should have involved you in the breed.

The right breed combined with the right family is magic.

I am laid on the sofa today off poorly and both my pups ( one is only 12 months) are laid good as gold snuggling with me.

Our 2 pups made our family but it was a shared wish .

The dog you have really doesn't sound trained and your DH should really be working very hard to improve the behaviour of the dog.

this, in spades

YANBU but I agree with PP that what's happening here is that your DH is no longer committed to your relationship and thought that devoting himself to a new canine best friend would be a better way to transfer his affections away from you rather than going off with another woman. YANBU to say it's you or the dog, but your DH WNBU to choose the dog - when you bring a dog into your home it is a lifelong commitment and a good person doesn't just send their dog off to be rehomed if it doesn't work out. The dog didn't create this situation, and there should have been a hell of a lot more thought put into all this before making such an enormous commitment.

If your DH really wants to save the marriage, he could dedicate the next 6 months to an intensive programme for training the dog and himself, including days that the dog spends with a trainer elsewhere to give you some dog-free time at home. There are pet behavioural specialists that can help at a much more intensive level than a typical puppy school. Whilst it would be expensive, this would be a lot cheaper than a divorce, but it may be that a divorce was what he wanted all along.

We used to have GSPs they are lovely friendly family dogs but and it’s a big but we lived on a farm the dogs were out from 7 in the morning till 7 at night

Yep- they're a working gundog and need tons of exercise and plenty of mental stimulation.

I love dogs but wouldn't even consider one because I couldn't offer what the dog would need to keep it mentally and physically occupied and healthy.

This is the problem when people pick a breed for the aesthetics (GSPs are beautiful) rather than how they will fit into their lifestyle.

😂😂😂

Personally (and I say this as a dog lover)I think that the husband should surrender the dog to a breed rescue.

It is still puppy and will adapt quickly to a new home and a new routine. The rescue will also be able to make sure it goes to the right sort of home and family that will be able to cope with it. I can understand him not wanting to hand an animal he loves over to just anyone, and not be able to be sure it was cared for properly.

Your husband is a disgusting, narcissistic bully OP. You shouldn't have to live your life like this. You're in misery. If he wants you to choose the dog over you, let him and just move on.

Oh fgs I can't believe I just read that. It's like when someone has a toxic parent and you'll always get that one poster saying 'you'll miss them when they're gone' no we feckin won't 🤬

OP? You could just come back and tell us a bit more after all our opinions have been shared!

Yes it's quite the undertaking to keep an animal that's really upsetting you, for realistically a decade or more, in hope that when it dies, you'll miss it...