Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I sympathise as you should never have been pressured into getting a dog if you weren’t totally on board.

However, I adore my dog and if my husband made me choose between them the dog would win. I love my husband but he would cope without me and I without him.

The dog is the means by which your husband dominates the household and controls you OP.

I'd let him leave honestly.

I really feel for you.

I'm not an animal person so I can't relate to your husband but I can relate to you. I care about animals but I don't particularly want to live with one or be responsible for one.

Before ending a long relationship, I would probably look to see what middle ground can be had.

For example, can you section off the garden so the dog doesn't access it all? If he's getting long daily walks, he doesn't need a huge garden too.

Do you use a crate? Perhaps an hour or two of crate time with a chew toy or bone in the evening will help you feel more free?

I know it's not the same but I had PND and really struggled to bond with my own child in the first year, perhaps that's how you're feeling, especially as you didn't want it in the first place. I'm wondering if in time you'll all gel more? Perhaps you're still feeling the shock of lifestyle change.

I really feel for you, having a dog is such a long term responsibility.

I really feel for you op. Your dh has been acting very selfishly indeed towards you and the dog.

My question is how much time is your dh spending with the dog in addition to the long walks? The walks are the fun bits of training in a way; but there is so much more consistent daily work that he should have been doing with your dog around the home. I don’t know why he has waited so long to do this tbh as it should have been a gradual process throughout puppyhood.

My parents bred from GSPs bitches at home for field sports and they are really energetic dogs with a strong drive to explore - they need safe places to run off lead regularly - and can become really destructive in a domestic setting if they are not given the proper training.

You need to train, train, and train again and as they are usually extremely loyal to one person then it needs to be your dh who does this. Their recall needs to be exemplary too as they are so fast they can get away from you very quickly.

Your puppy should have been taught “invisible boundary setting” from the start eg he should be waiting for permission to go through doors, in and out of cage (if you are using one) in and out of garden, kitchen and front door and back of car - all
of this in front of an open door or “invisible” boundary. At each point he should be sitting and waiting for permission.

Tbh, it doesn’t sound as if your dh has a clue what he is doing or else he would be well on his way with this by now. I wonder where he got the dog from as a responsible breeder should have filled him in on the basics?

Also just a cursory glance at Wikipedia will have given him basic information about his coat,

“The GSP coat is easy to take care of, but they shed a lot. Although their coat is short, they do shed. They shed more at certain times throughout the year. If that isn't taken care of their hairs can be embedded in fabrics and carpet and it will be difficult to get it out. All it takes is to brush regularly with a firm bristle brush, along with baths when necessary.”

In your shoes op I would be calling on an experienced trainer, maybe one who trains gun dogs, but your dh has to be totally on board and fully committed to seeing this through. The effort he puts in now will reap rewards later.

Tbh I think a trainer is your only hope because the marriage will not survive the resentment caused if you insist your dh rehomes the dog, and you will not be able to tolerate the endless destruction of your home if your dh doesn’t get serious with the training.

I could never feel the same about a partner who made me "get rid" of my dog. My dog is a member of the family. BUT he shouldn't be destroying the house or garden. Mine never did even as a puppy. Puppy-proof the garden and your husband should train the dog to behave at home.

I meant to say that GSDs do settle down after three and a half years or so. But they are known to be very active puppies so they need intensive training to learn how to behave in a family setting, otherwise they can become very bored and destructive. And they obviously need a lot of exercise several times a day day without fail too.

Oops!

GSPs!!! Not GSDs 😄👍

Gosh I do feel sorry for you, but applaud you for still caring for the dog. Your ex is awful- as well you know. I guess the one consolation is he’s your ex!

OP I feel for you all (you, the dog, your husband) in this situation. I’m very much a doggy person, we have a house full of animals, I adore them, but know what you mean about the mess and dedication they bring/need.

I would get rid of my pets if it absolutely was a choice between my husband and them, but I know he would never put me in that position because he is an animal person too. I had a horse for 17 years that hated my husband, for no good reason, and bit him/bullied him at every opportunity. My husband was with me, also in tears, when she was put to sleep last year, stroking her as she went.

It sounds like you’re different people. Pets to an animal lover are a huge part of their life/source of pleasure. If I lost my husband I could never, under any circumstances, be with someone who didn’t want pets or who didn’t understand what a dog gives back in lieu of all the commitment. Perhaps you aren’t a good match? I really don’t know how you go forward- someone is always going to be unhappy/resentful.

Before doing anything too drastic I would talk to your DH about drawing some firm boundaries to allow you to get some of your space back. E.g. dog is allowed in the kitchen and dining room, but not in the living room. Fence off part of the garden and your most precious plants so that the dog can't reach them. DH needs to further increase the amount of attention he gives to the dog to minimise boredom. But really, considering that you didn't actually want a dog in the first place, getting a puppy of a large, high energy working breed was a really bad idea. A small, calm, adult dog might have worked out a lot better.

Huge dog lover here. I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be so difficult. I would wonder though if your husband is getting more from the dog than he (or you) are getting from the marriage, maybe the problem is bigger than the dog?

Sorry but I’ve read this as “I’ve tried nothing and nothing is working”.

Has the dog had any training? Why are you letting it damage the house and dig up the garden?

Not sure why your fella thought getting a GS puppy was a good idea either. If my partner was pretty obviously not onboard with getting a dog, or was at best pretty sceptical but willing, I wouldn’t take on such a challenge. They are lovely dogs, but they’re not easy as puppy’s. Huge mistake that.

I so feel for you.

It's such a shame he didn't choose an 'easier' breed as that could have been a compromise. I like dogs but my my pointer nearly finished me off. So much effort and work and its bollocks that they all calm down by 5 yrs old. Mine took 7 yrs....

would it be possible to think outside the box and compromise on the actual dog? I know he loves this one but if this one's behaviour is the issue, then you might rehome it and replace it with one that is older and well behaved and has perhaps lost its home due to circumstances beyond its control? Then he gets a dog, and you get a dog that is bearable. THe current dog might get a home where everyone loves it. Hope you manage to sort this out, it's a hard one and I feel for you. DOgs are stressful.

Your husband is unreasonable. Bringing an animal you don't want into the house is a bit like bringing his mistress to live with you and telling you that you have to get used to it or he will leave.

It really isn’t. Unless he’s fucking the dog.

Omg OP i feel so bad for you. This sounds like an awful awful situation to be in. I would be absolutely livid.

Lots of posts here saying situation might improve if you bond with the dog but when you're not a dog lover and never wanted the dog in the first place then bonding is never going to happen.

Also lots of posts about giving the dog time to settle down... a relative of mine has the same breed as you OP @furryfrontbottom and it NEVER calmed down. She is always complaining about her dog. He has endless energy... it's an absolute shit show. These types on dogs need to have big open spaces to roam free all day. Think big country house with lots of land.

@furryfrontbottom sorry tagged you by mistake.

I would like to add - if your DH is willing to leave because of the dog, has he considered what landlord would be willing to take a large dog which destroys the house, sheds everywhere because he doesn't brush it properly and wrecks any garden?

This is on him. HE hasn't trained the dog properly. HE chose a large, lively dog breed he didn't know how to handle. HE is willing to leave the dog in control of your life so that your garden is wrecked and you have to hide upstairs to get any peace. And he's done all this knowing you don't really like dogs...

HE damn well needs to sort it out.

I don't see a way round it, as you said it's you or the dog. Your dh was an idiot to get such a large dog in the first place. A smaller more passive dog would have been better suited, so he's partly to blame here too

This

You made absolutely clear your limitations on dog ownership, your DH has completely ignored all your wishes and all the practical limitations and selfishly chosen the totally unsuitable dog he wanted.

That’s it in a nutshell. A smaller dog and him keeping his side of the bargain and it could all have been very different.

My parents have a German shepard. I can tell you now if my mum gave my dad an ultimatum like that he'd pick the dog every time**

There’s a big difference in a dog owner & dog lover so there’s going to be differences in replies!🙄

What I don't understand are the 'dog people' saying it would be a shame to rehome. The dog is currently in a home where it's not getting enough exercise, training or stimulation. OP's DH has proven to be a selfish arse towards her and the dog.

Dogs are a nuisance.