AIBU to not accept childs new name

[PeskyPenguin]

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

I don’t think there is a hate of anything transgender on here at all . Just the need for sensible debate without being called bigots or transphobic . We live in times of extreme freedom and liberalism in terms of dress and relationships. We just don’t believe in surgery or hormones for children .

🤣

Socially transitioning other people's children is NOT a neutral act. It has a significant psychological impact on children who end up being dependent on other people's validation of their identity. As their body develops it's in opposition to what everyone around them is calling them.
Result - a fragile mentally unwell young person unable to reconcile the normal mind / body development that happens at adolescence.

It's an unethical social (and in the worst cases) medical experiment on children.

But it’s not just about the name is it ? That’s the point.

My daughter and half of her friend group have been through this. Every single one of them that changed their name has reverted. They've all gone back from they/them to original gender too. Nod, say nothing and ignore. Teenagers are pushing boundaries in this generation just like every generation before them, and their stubborn little fuckers so don't give yourself or them unnecessary stress. And if your child actually does turn out to be non binary you are going to have to get your head round it.

Absolute bollocks ^^

Use the name you gave her and she can continue all her drama when she is old enough to get her own place!

I think I get it now and realise the point you're making 😂

Apologies!!

But the youth worker was out of order not to discuss with you rather than correct you. Must be hard to navigate for people working with teenagers though.

I think there are two different issues here. The 'they/them' non binary, loos etc is part of a modern day weird thing that loads of teens seem to be embracing. I call it attention seeking, but accept that a very few children have deeper issues that may lead to longer term actions and potentially impact their MH. But surely a very small minority.

The name thing is something else.
a) the leader had no business telling you what to call your own child. Have words asap.
b) As DD has chosen a girl's name, it's not really connected to her decision to be non binary. Is she trying to link the two? You're not denying her right to be non binary to tell her to wait until she's 18.
c) My DSis was always trying out different versions of her name as a teen, and they are all free to do that - but a complete change with no apparent reason is not something you need to worry about.

In my day you could wear safety pins or dye your hair green to stand out - obviously that's too mainstream these days. But as PPs have said, being non binary is becoming awfully common, hardly radical now. Scary to wonder what's next......

At my daughter's all girls school she told me that a lot of the girls were cutting themselves and it seemed to be a bit of a trend. Luckily my daughter never did it. I am not saying that some weren't doing it to alleviate distress but I suspect some were being part of the group. I don't doubt that some youngsters are non binary but some may be joining a trend perhaps?

Thing is- I'd say the young person is socially transitioning themselves if that is how they are introducing themselves to new people, if it's what their peers are using etc. In this scenario the youth worker is only one person and I can just imagine the backlash they'd get if they decided to continue using the young persons given name. For a start Youth Work is young person led always at its core. If a young person is exploring something you go with them on that journey as a neutral person and sounding board. You're not leading them one way or the other, just encouraging them to think about who they want to be and what their values are. For example do you think Youth workers who work alongside young people who offend etc are promoting their behaviour? Do you think that giving them a good telling off would encourage that young person to engage? They accept where the child is at, set it to one side and then accept them for them. You have to tread carefully and pick your battles.

I've worked with many young people who became homeless because their parents decided this very issue was a hill to die on and the young person felt they couldn't remain in that home any longer due to the impact of being repeatedly misgendered on their mental health. The trust ended up having to place them in care- this happens a lot and I really do think that if the parents had just gone along with it in a neutral way then it wouldn't have got to that stage, those kids would still be in their homes and the family would just take time to figure each other out. An accepting parent still allows room for the young person to change their mind - it's not a matter of saying yes you are non binary and called x now forever and always, it's just saying OK that's where you're at right now I love and support you no matter who you are. That's really all ops child needs right now. They will figure the rest out for themselves as they get older. And if the op is accepting and supportive it will be easier to have discussions about it openly without the child feeling judged and easier for the op to point out potential concerns they have because the child knows their parent is still trying to meet them halfway.

Ask her when she is going to change her name by deed poll. How is shearing the appointment, traveling to offices and paying for the documents? Then when is she planning on sitting out her passport?

Is it possible that they are using the non-binary/trans thing as a loophole for a name change? I would be trying to determine whether the non binary status or the preferred new name is top of the list of priorities.

What’s next……..
“Mum, Dad, I have something to tell you. I want you to know that I love you and I’m so sorry if this embarrasses you, but I’m straight and I identify as the gender I was born as.
I know you’re disappointed that I won’t be bringing diversity to the family, but hopefully you can accept me for who I am. Even if that is the person I always was.

Completely agree with you OP. I was speaking to a mum the other day who has a non binary dc and refuses to call 'them by their dead name and corrects anytime I ask about 'her'. Its exhausting! I avoid talking to her now as I won't play the game. It seems to be the latest trend. Its rebellion/ attention seeking. If dcs want to dress in a certain way, fine. If any of mine want to change their name when they're 18, fine.
If they want me to refer to them as they/them then on your bike.

Can't wait till the next trend-"Mum, I've decided I'm an alien, can't do any chores as my skin is allergic to dust, I can only eat chocolate and everytime you speak to me or about me you have point to my planet in the sky to show respect"

You don't need to use an agency or solicitor. You can do your own unenrolled deed poll. It's totally free.

Ha! I "changed' my name around this age, to something truly awful. Wasnt foolish enough to ask my mum to go along with it. It was a control thing, a trying to demonstrate my self image. What made me finally accept my real name was suddenly getting a stepmum with it. I felt very possessive.
Id be tempted to insist she calls you a different name until she realises how silly it all is.
As for the youth group, they don't sound terribly healthy to challenge you like that. Id be looking for a new group to join.
I'd also make sure she realised that there were many many different ways to be a girl...as many ways as girls in fact...and that stereotypes were not helpful. That in fact, most people were non binary if it came to describing themselves via gender stereotypes.

I work with kids. This is my view too for 99% of them. In every case it's masking another issue.

I get why you are cross OP and it seems (from your post) that your DD has arrived at this decision very abruptly. You should let the dust settle for a while.

What I would say though is that my DD has a class mate who announced back in Year 8 that she wished to be known as he and changed their name accordingly (to a gender neutral one) - which everyone then used (including the teachers) and they cut their hair and dressed accordingly. Their parents kicked off though and gave the school a really hard time - leading to the absurd situation that the school was forced (by parents) to use the dead name in newsletters etc even though all the child’s contemporaries knew them by their new name and they had been utterly accepted as a boy by both the boys and girls! Fast forward five years to Y13 and the DC legally changed his name as soon as he turned 18 and moved out of his parents house and is living with a cousin. Now estranged from parents who, over the course of five years, refused to accept the situation. Tread carefully OP!

Youth workers should be aware of the Cass Report and that social transitioning is not a neutral act. There are many topics (suicide, anorexia, substances) where a youth worker's role is to adhere to the law and/or to safeguarding regardless of how the young person wants to pursue the topic.

Excellent reply…am so relieved that my children are old enough to have missed this load of bollocks

Let's hope so......, , ........

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense

You're right of course, but I bet you wouldn't dare say that in a meeting!!

And therein lies the problem ... some have become so infested with this meretricious nonsense that their brains have fallen out

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