AIBU to not accept childs new name

[PeskyPenguin]

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

This is all such bs. Why kids suddenly need to be able to change their name at will makes no sense.

My dd went through this stage. I told her that if she wanted to change her name when she was legally able to, she could go right ahead. But all that was likely to happen if she did it before then is she would change her mind and be embarrassed and have to pay to change it again.

She did for a while try and change it as school and with friends. The former we expressed our displeasure with to the school, the latter we ignored. She's now gone back to the name we gave her when she was born.

Why schools and youth groups fall for this stuff boggles the mind.

I immediately thought of Frying Pan, I don't know why 😂😂😂

I thought hoover and shower and cannot figure out why either!

Jeez, that's not good

what I will say- if what my 14 yr old daughter has very recently started saying is anything to go by- is that it looks like genderwoo is losing a lot of traction among younger gen Zs. hopefully girls like op's daughter, therefore, won't become too mired in this before it's deeply uncool regardless of (or perhaps because of!) what some idiot teacher is spouting

Completely agree. Completely attached to the drama!!

Yes, it's really beginning to annoy the fuck out of me too.

My child keeps telling me off for not using 'they/them' when I refer to their friend.

It really pisses me off when I get an email from someone with a bleeding obvious name like Alice and they feel the need to tell me they're she/her!

I've told my child that if I'm ever forced to put my pronouns in an email I'm going to ask to be referred to as Dick and Dora because I like being female now but I wanted to be a boy growing up (it was called being a tomboy). I will give a ridiculous answer for a ridiculous question!

Tell her to cop herself on, her name’s (whatever you decided to call her when she was born), she’s got a vagina, and she’s a girl, as well she knows.

Tell her she can do what she wants when she’s an adult, but for now she’s to focus on her studies and any hobbies she has and that’s it.

This affirmation nonsense can get in the bin where it belongs.

I have a 17yo and a 13yo. I couldn't believe how many posters etc were up in the school about gender identity. Mine had never mentioned anything about the topic until starting secondary school. Now half the children they went to their little village primary school identify as something different to their birth sex. The children who genuinely were gay were pretty obvious from quite young and there were no surprises when my children mentioned their names but the majority were all perfectly average boys and girls until starting secondary school.

@Its2amimustbelonely I don't know...don't want to derail the discussion. That's just been our experience. I guess that we'd accepted them and listened. It might change in the future and yes there is a part of me that hopes so, but the future is unknown.
Op sounded confused as we all would be in this situation. I know a parent who's gone hardline "nope" on this issue and it's not gone well.

I’d have said to the youth worker “that can be her name when she is able to change it legally at 18. In the meantime I’ll be referring to her by her legal name.”

There I fixed that for you.

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

Red flags going up here.

I've given up asking friends how x child or y or z child is as I can't keep up with what gender neutral name they are using, just asking 'how are your children?' Impossible to remember whose children have gone gender neutral and whose haven't

I'd call her the name she wants. Why not? When I was 14 I discovered what I have thought of as my name ever since. I don't like my given name and never have, it doesn't feel like me. Friends made after the age of 16 call me by the new name. My family have always found it really weird and insist on using my given name. Nothing to do with gender, it's about a name that reflects who you are. It should be fine to change this at school also.

The shower and toilet is another matter altogether, unless the school have provisions explain to your daughter why they're dangerous. Also try and reinforce the message that womanhood takes as many forms as there are women, and it is boundless she can be exactly who she wants to be, while still being a woman.

I'd be stopping the youth group tbh. The fact they corrected you about her name would make me concerned they were encouraging and promoting this bullshit. I'd also be closely monitoring their internet usage.
You need a quiet chat with her about what she thinks non-binary means. I don't know any non-binary teens who want to use different toilets so your DD is obviously using terms she doesn't understand.
I'd tease out where she's getting her information from, tell her she can't change her name legally until older so she needs to keep with her existing name just now, and confirm there is no non-binary specific toilets and non-binary girls use the female facilities because they are female. If you can face it and you think she's receptive, explain the difference between sex and gender. With our friend's DD, I said I understood why she wanted to reject all the gender stereotypes for girls because that seemed to be what nb meant to her.

DH would like to offer up Knife & Fork. He said it would be better to be knife, as you could tell the other to fork off when they annoyed you 😂🙈

Oh no . That’s terrible . I work with someone whose daughter is now a boy , but we have all been silenced . Not allowed to voice an opinion. I wish they would show the Jordan Peterson interview with Chloe . It explains so much . This cult is going to cause so much permanent damage .

let them wear what they want and be gay if they want , there is so much freedom now . But the rest is just actually very dangerous .

This is the exact reason why the youth worker will be using their preferred name. Its not their job to tell any young person who they are- it is their job to maintain open dialogue and support the young person to figure it out for themselves. Hrft but I agree it's best to remain neutral for now. You might want to have a conversation about why you chose that name for them and what you liked about it but ultimately respect that right now they're figuring out their identity. Better they do it with you and feel they can talk to you than it becomes difficult and they shut off to you completely. That might actually force them further down the road as they listen to other opinionated people rather than having a safe space in you to just be them whoever and whatever that looks like. Your child is going on a journey, it's not your job to tell them who they should be or how they should feel. Just help them tune in to themselves.

It's not uncommon. I'd just treat it as no big deal and call her what she wants with whatever pronouns she wants. I would just say nothing at all about it and capitulate. It seems like an attention seeking thing, if she wants to change one girls name to another. Unless she has a really awful name that she's been bullied for.

I don't get it at all

At school we had a girl who had her hair cut very short, wore the boys uniform and used her last name as a nick name
She was very much not bothered if someone called her male or female, and was "yeah I'm female but I prefer men's clothes as they're more comfy and I like my hair like this"
None of us bothered, it was just who (not her real name) "smithy" was. She used the girls toilet and girls changing but would get changed in a side bit

No bullying or teasing, TBH for 14 year olds we were very chill about it! She hung out with the boys playing football and sometimes the girls in the art room or playing hockey

But now she probably would have been pushed towards transitioning

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore

In the particular scenario you describe my answer would be when hell freezes over.

In my day we just gelled hair into a mohawk, put stupid makeup on and pierced something with a safety pin to be ‘edgy/rebel/find ourselves/attention seek’ whatever. These days it’s this gender nonsense. For every genuine case of gender misidentify there are now thousands of kids just going through that adolescent stage of rebellion and this is the thing for their generation. I would not be going to the school with some bullshit story on how my child now needs some special toilet just for them.

I would be hasty about being too authoritative about it (using names etc) I completely agree with how you feel and most of the other posters, but you don’t want to alienate her. I teach students who are non binary and transsexual. It’s not the same as having a child who identifies in this way, I know, but I know how conflicting it is to deal with. I think the best response is to be respectful of wishes and try to make as little of a deal about it as possible. I would nominally use the name (although I wouldn’t want to) and I would use the they/them. I would tell the child that they need to raise the issue with school regarding toilets (because what is the solution to that conundrum). Then I would try to let it run its course.

Remind her that boys and men won't see her as a man or a non binary person. She has a vagina and will be violently taught as such if she wants to go into male spaces.

At my DS school there is a boy who changed his name to Jade. Apart from the name change, he is still a boy (uniform, toilets, sports etc.). It's very odd. They have other trans children who swapped uniform, sports classes, toilets etc but this kid seems to just want a girl's name. DS said he barely comes in anyway.

YANBU
I think there is too much encouragement of this.
I am not sure she will be allowed to use the boys' loos at school.

I don't see why you're so upset about your child trying out a different name. It's very normal - and it's fine to use a different name informally without a deed poll. Most children who experiment with a different name don't end up keeping it, so it would be all kinds of hassle to officially change it and change it back again. See if it sticks. It might, or it might not.

Regarding the toilets, which toilet do they want to use? Most schools have three kinds: male, female and disabled. There's no separate toilet for non-binary, and the school isn't going to build them one.

This may or may not be a phase. If it is a phase, you refusing to go along with it will force your child to double down out of stubbornness and potentially take things further than they actually want to. And if it's not a phase, well, alienating them isn't going to keep them in your life once they turn 18.

I think you need to allow your child the space to experiment - and most importantly, keep changing their mind until they settle on the identity that makes the most sense to them.

There are worse things for a teen to do than decide they don't feel particularly masculine or feminine. They're still growing into their bodies and figuring out who they are. Don't make this a massive deal - you don't even know if it will come to anything.

DD’s friends have all been doing this over the last 4 years. We’ve chatted (back in Year 7) about importance of not labelling and just being herself without restrictions but also about how a parent names their dc with care, thought and love. I have said that if she hated her name and wanted to change it I would support that as I’d hate for her to be unhappy but I wanted her to know that her name wasn’t just something we plucked out of the air and dc choosing new names should take into account how their parents might feel about that. Teens are naturally selfish but I just wanted her to be aware of how dh and I chose her and her siblings names so she understands that changing names is an emotional thing and wider than just her. That’s not to say it shouldn’t happen but I wanted her to understand it does have an emotional impact outside of her own emotions.

She’s now 15 and actually told me tonight she finds all the labels quite confusing but knows she doesn’t want to change her name. Being a teen in 2023 is hard.