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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not accept childs new name

376 replies

PeskyPenguin · 13/03/2023 20:06

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

OP posts:
moonpixel · 13/03/2023 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hmm
Fromwetome · 13/03/2023 23:28

Oh wow another goady thread inciting an argument about gender with a missing OP. Wrote the post then ghosted.

AIBU to be thoroughly sick of posters who post topics like that serve no purpose, should be in the parenting section or gender discussion thread and then just disappear off the post, no contribution, no answers.

Oxterguff · 13/03/2023 23:28

Another secondary teacher here who is sick of all of this bollocks. I’m not alone we all roll our eyes when the latest ‘Chantelle in Year 9 now wishes to be known as Gordon and will use the pronouns they/them’ email comes around. We should not be indulging this bullshit! It makes our job harder because we are shit scared of calling them their previous names or the wrong pronoun!
I really hope that we look back on this and cringe but I thought the same about mullets and look how that turned out! 😳😂

WarningToTheCurious · 13/03/2023 23:28

secondspring · 13/03/2023 21:26

I have a young child who is 12 and identifies as a fury in my afterschool club and I had to go home and google it I kid you not. I just had never heard of it before.

I really hope you meant Fury and not Furry.

Although someone wanting to wreak vengeance and retribution might be a wee bit disruptive.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/03/2023 23:30

I assume they mean a Furry tbf

Whatisthisanyidea · 13/03/2023 23:32

Oh wow another goady thread inciting an argument about gender with a missing OP.

Why is it goady? Do you work in a school? Have you heard them all talking?

All the trans in DD year at school have returned to their originals names and have heterosexual relationships.

Fromwetome · 13/03/2023 23:34

@Whatisthisanyidea are you joking ? Did you read my post? Where is OP!!?? Where are their comments, they posted looking for advice about gender identity and then disappeared, that's goady.

GobbieMaggie · 13/03/2023 23:35

Ludo19 · 13/03/2023 20:14

This

It's all bullshit. What toilets is she planning on using if she's a non binary female? My feeling is she's spent too much time on SM being indoctrinated into the new norm.

Show quote history

Totally agree. I work for the NHS and it's driving me effin crazy.

Fromwetome · 13/03/2023 23:36

@Whatisthisanyidea and for what it's worth, although I have actually no clue what your point was in your response to me, I am sick of this gender bollocks. It's a dangerous farce that will not stand the test of time but in the mean time will damage thousands of kids.

Marchsnowstorms · 13/03/2023 23:37

@moonpixel I do have a friend who adopted a child who is delightful & so loved but has always said he's a girl. From age 3. Ten years on, hes a 'girl' & no one doubts it

Gossipxox · 13/03/2023 23:43

Personally the label non-binary etc I don’t think she be allowed to be used by children at an already indecisive time during puberty and raging hormones. Name change can’t be made legal until 18, no reason for changes to be made, the youth group later shouldn’t have encouraged it

Thisismenow2 · 13/03/2023 23:45

Fromwetome · 13/03/2023 23:34

@Whatisthisanyidea are you joking ? Did you read my post? Where is OP!!?? Where are their comments, they posted looking for advice about gender identity and then disappeared, that's goady.

Agreed. Sick of OPs posting a controversial topic and then fucking off. Genuinely interested in advice or just getting off on stirring up controversy cf. the modus operandi of Stella, Boris, Trump

Underminer · 13/03/2023 23:45

My non binary niece told me that she they were going to start using the gents toilets, until the stench of mens toilets cancelled that idea.

Thisismenow2 · 13/03/2023 23:46

Suella - not Stella #blastedautocorrect

JennyJenny8675309 · 13/03/2023 23:51

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

Thank you for being honest. I agree with you.

Lavender14 · 13/03/2023 23:55

MrsOvertonsWindow · 13/03/2023 23:13

I'm sure you mean well Lavender14 but few of us are qualified in this area - it's poorly researched and what evidence there is shows that that socially transitioning is not a neutral act (see Dr Hilary Cass's interim review).

Parents are trying to navigate all this - setting boundaries that keep children / teenagers safe is what they do. They're not helped by other adults working with their children who unthinkingly undermine the parent child dynamic.

Of course parents need to handle these issues with their children with thought and care. But they're not helped by unqualified in this area adults making critical interventions without thought. The youth worker in this case openly challenged the parent - that's professional arrogance and unhelpful.

For may teenagers this will be just a fad - and it will pass. For the more vulnerable (and the data about children caught up in this with other mental health problems is frightening) socially transitioning them leaves so many of them mentally fragile with their other mental health issues being ignored.

Show quote history

I do understand the point you're making and I do see where you're coming from- I guess I'm looking at situations I've seen where the refuse to accept the child's identity as they perceive it to be as harmful in itself. I have seen children who have gone into care and attempted suicide as a direct result of this approach so my point is that I'm not sure there is one correct way to deal with it. As you say it is under resesrched. However for me at the crux of it there's a child who is wanting to be heard seen and valued who is telling their parents 'this is the way I need you to do this for me' . Refusing to engage with that can be harmful in itself. I think if a parent is diplomatic enough they'd be able to go with it but then navigate further conversations around gender identity, the child's understanding of it, maybe give them a variety of considerations to mull over. That's easier to do if you haven't shut the child down immediately over a choice of name. It may or may not be how the child feels forever, but the important thing is for the parent to protect their relationship and communication with the child and to let the child know its OK to take their time to figure this all out. It might not be where they're at forever, but it's where they're at right now and I think that's ops starting point. I would certainly prefer to be in a position to be open with my child to let them know I support them so that when I raise concerns they know those concerns are genuine and are maybe better able to hear them from their parent.

GodSaveTheClean · 13/03/2023 23:57

JennyJenny8675309 · 13/03/2023 23:51

Thank you for being honest. I agree with you.

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Totally agree with this. Honest and straightforward thoughts.

’Deadnaming’. For goodness sake. Stop allowing SM to raise your children and pandering to this rubbish.

Lavender14 · 13/03/2023 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Some top notch advice there @GemmaSparkles Why on earth would you wish that on any child???

Thisismenow2 · 13/03/2023 23:58

”I don’t think it is helpful to worry OP with stories like that in order to pressure her to affirm this new decision by her child.“

er @RichardBarrister , you may purport to be a barrister and all that 😂 but you’ve missed the first para of my post where I say “let the dust settle”. No pressure from me. Perhaps you are the one with an agenda here?

PinkButtercups · 14/03/2023 00:01

@GemmaSparkles I can't believe you actually said that let alone think this kind of thing.

scorpiogirly · 14/03/2023 00:04

I'd stop her going to that youth club and I'd have told that leader off!

Thisismenow2 · 14/03/2023 00:11

PinkButtercups · 14/03/2023 00:01

@GemmaSparkles I can't believe you actually said that let alone think this kind of thing.

Dreadful comment. What sparkles about Gemma is her utter inhumanity.

whynotwhatknot · 14/03/2023 00:23

ffs sake it seems trendy to want to be them now doesnt it

and where do they think theyre going to use the toilet or do they want a new one built just for them

MrsOvertonsWindow · 14/03/2023 00:33

Lavender14 · 13/03/2023 23:55

I do understand the point you're making and I do see where you're coming from- I guess I'm looking at situations I've seen where the refuse to accept the child's identity as they perceive it to be as harmful in itself. I have seen children who have gone into care and attempted suicide as a direct result of this approach so my point is that I'm not sure there is one correct way to deal with it. As you say it is under resesrched. However for me at the crux of it there's a child who is wanting to be heard seen and valued who is telling their parents 'this is the way I need you to do this for me' . Refusing to engage with that can be harmful in itself. I think if a parent is diplomatic enough they'd be able to go with it but then navigate further conversations around gender identity, the child's understanding of it, maybe give them a variety of considerations to mull over. That's easier to do if you haven't shut the child down immediately over a choice of name. It may or may not be how the child feels forever, but the important thing is for the parent to protect their relationship and communication with the child and to let the child know its OK to take their time to figure this all out. It might not be where they're at forever, but it's where they're at right now and I think that's ops starting point. I would certainly prefer to be in a position to be open with my child to let them know I support them so that when I raise concerns they know those concerns are genuine and are maybe better able to hear them from their parent.

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Thanks Lavender - I suspect we agree on more than we disagree.

NatashaDancing · 14/03/2023 00:36

The name is irrelevant. I don't have a problem with a child of that age saying they want a different name.

Names are foisted on us by our parents. We get no choice in them, so why shouldn't a 13 year old not be allowed to ditch a name they don't like. They can't change it legally until they are 18 but why not play around with a different name or names until then. Try some out, see if they fit.

The non- binary stuff is nonsense.