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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 kids? To judge it not to judge?

354 replies

Sekena · 13/03/2023 18:45

I don't have 10 kids lol BUT boyfriends Dad was one of 10 - boyfriend's dad was a 'rainbow' baby born after a stillbirth -although doubt if this term was used then. Boyfriend himself is one of 5 - and all the sibs get on.

On MN - you get for instance a lot of 'only child' threads and parents potential guilt for not providing siblings and the opinions on these quite rightly are overwhelmingly that onlies don't miss out and these only child stereotypes are nonsense - which I completely agree with - I firmly believe an only child can thrive and doesn't need siblings. However - I also believe that a child in a large family can also thrive - just like my boyfriend's dad did. However if I was to say I'd like 10 kids - would I be judged ? I haven't decided on this at all - I'm currently pregnant with my second - but honestly felt my DD thrived as an only so definitely didn't conceive to give Dd a sibling - am delighted for this child in its own right !

I'm currently open minded about family size and am a SAHM. But what are your opinions on families of 10 like my boyfriends Dad's - WIBU if this is what I wanted ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sekena · 13/03/2023 18:45

Sorry to judge or* not to judge - sorry for typo

OP posts:
carriedout · 13/03/2023 18:49

I think it's fine. So few people do it. I've only known two massive families, it looked knackering!!

SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 18:49

I have 4 and have been judged constantly on MN because of it so yes people will judge 10! It’s to the point I hate mentioning having 4 on here as people are so rude about it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/03/2023 18:50

I wouldn’t judge them but also would think “how on earth do you manage?”

If it’s your boyfriend’s dad it must have been a very different time - I wonder how much genuine choice his mum had in that?

pawz · 13/03/2023 18:50

Ooo tough one! I'd probably judge if it seemed like the older siblings were being pushed about / used for free childcare so the parents could concentrate on the latest baby.

However if that's not the case, a huge happy family sounds lovely! I used to want quite a few, but tbh trying to have one is a struggle enough so we might be one and done if we have any 😂

Original poster
Sekena · 13/03/2023 18:50

carriedout · 13/03/2023 18:49

I think it's fine. So few people do it. I've only known two massive families, it looked knackering!!

Yes - actually my grandad was one of 13 - but he died before I was born

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Enthrallingstoryofstillnessandlight · 13/03/2023 18:51

I'd judge, it's dreadful. Environmental reasons being my main concern. Utterly selfish now we are all aware with no excuses.

Original poster
Sekena · 13/03/2023 18:51

SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 18:49

I have 4 and have been judged constantly on MN because of it so yes people will judge 10! It’s to the point I hate mentioning having 4 on here as people are so rude about it.

I can't understand people I really can't !!

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Flowersinmai · 13/03/2023 18:52

Not so long age large families were totally usual. By large I mean 5 plus children.
Barring neglect or abuse family size is no one’s business - except the Mother and Fathers. It’s their family to manage. If an extended family is out and about eg grandparents, uncles, cousins etc, no one comments or ‘judges’ similarly no need to do so for families with more than the socially acceptable number of children - what ever that number may be.
That’s as far as my thinking goes.

Original poster
Sekena · 13/03/2023 18:52

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/03/2023 18:50

I wouldn’t judge them but also would think “how on earth do you manage?”

If it’s your boyfriend’s dad it must have been a very different time - I wonder how much genuine choice his mum had in that?

Very different time - for context - working class Irish Catholic - and pre welfare state

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Nevermind31 · 13/03/2023 18:52

totally unnecessary to have 10 kids, but if you can afford it, your choice.
I would hate to see my time and resources so stretched, and I do wonder what makes people want to produce babies - do they not like to spend time with their older children/ like older children?

Annoyingwurringnoise · 13/03/2023 18:52

Yes I would judge. 10 kids is going to cost a lot of money and use a lot of resources, so unless you’re super rich you’ll be inflicting that cost on the taxpayer. You also cannot physically give all those children the attention and care they deserve, you’d be relying on older siblings to care for younger ones, and that’s not fair, so yeah, I would be giving you massive side eye.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 13/03/2023 18:52

I'd have loved a huge family. But we like a nice life too. With just us, now, we need a 5 bed. And we just don't earn enough to have a 7 or 8 bed, plus affording the 6-7 children inhabiting it. Not well, anyway.

I think you need to find the balance between the number of children and the quality of life or sacrifices that further children would affect.

Maybebabyno2 · 13/03/2023 18:52

It's just not as common now, I imagine this is largely in part to the cost of child rearing, it's not cheap, even if you are a SAHM and don't have to pay for childcare. I have one at the moment and another en route. It cost me nearly £50 to go to a farm last weekend (2 adults and a 2 year old) imagine that, with 10 kids! I could certainly never afford it!

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/03/2023 18:53

Yeah I would judge. The amount of resources ten children would take.

Whoneedsleep · 13/03/2023 18:53

I’m (accidentally) pregnant with no 3 and have nothing but negative comments. I can only imagine how many someone with 10 would have!

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/03/2023 18:53

Tbf ten was more common in the past as so many died in infancy, childbirth or in childhood.
id probably judge in terms of resources Tbf and it’s unnecessary.

Beamur · 13/03/2023 18:53

I think my Grandad was one of 7.
Much bickering...
He also had something like 4 or 5 half siblings.
When he died the whole crematorium was full of people who were related in some way! But despite being part of this family, very few of them are in contact.
I don't think anyone from my side are in touch with the other family at all.
I think that the size of this family was due to the lack of reliable contraception rather than choice.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 13/03/2023 18:55

Enthrallingstoryofstillnessandlight · 13/03/2023 18:51

I'd judge, it's dreadful. Environmental reasons being my main concern. Utterly selfish now we are all aware with no excuses.

I agree. I'd think they were selfish and ignorant t*ssers tbh.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/03/2023 18:55

Tbf I also judge in terms of housing requests too. If your house/car was too small with four of you then why carry on having kids.

Comedycook · 13/03/2023 18:55

Unlike a lot of people on here, I see siblings as a very positive thing. I'd have loved to have lots of brothers and sisters. I have no idea why one on one time with parents is seen by many as being more positive than having siblings

However, I'd absolutely hate to have ten kids...it sounds completely exhausting

Turquoisa80 · 13/03/2023 18:55

I wouldn't judge them pre 1980s as less available birth control. But after the 1980s I would think it's weird to have 4 or more children

stairgates · 13/03/2023 18:56

People are polite in real life if you have a big family but it is generally frowned on on MN. If you want a big family go for it.

SirVixofVixHall · 13/03/2023 18:56

Enthrallingstoryofstillnessandlight · 13/03/2023 18:51

I'd judge, it's dreadful. Environmental reasons being my main concern. Utterly selfish now we are all aware with no excuses.

I agree with this.
There are too many people, and we are destroying this planet. I can see the appeal of a big family , I had a friend who was one of twelve, and it did seem lovely. However, they lived in a huge house, and it was before the environmental impact of so many humans became something we all are aware of.

Original poster
Sekena · 13/03/2023 18:56

pawz · 13/03/2023 18:50

Ooo tough one! I'd probably judge if it seemed like the older siblings were being pushed about / used for free childcare so the parents could concentrate on the latest baby.

However if that's not the case, a huge happy family sounds lovely! I used to want quite a few, but tbh trying to have one is a struggle enough so we might be one and done if we have any 😂

Yes I totally disagree with oldest kids have their lives compromised to look after the younger ones ! Of you do end up one and done - only children from what I've seen are happy popular and confident so it will be great !

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