10 kids? To judge it not to judge?

[Sekena]

I don't have 10 kids lol BUT boyfriends Dad was one of 10 - boyfriend's dad was a 'rainbow' baby born after a stillbirth -although doubt if this term was used then. Boyfriend himself is one of 5 - and all the sibs get on.

On MN - you get for instance a lot of 'only child' threads and parents potential guilt for not providing siblings and the opinions on these quite rightly are overwhelmingly that onlies don't miss out and these only child stereotypes are nonsense - which I completely agree with - I firmly believe an only child can thrive and doesn't need siblings. However - I also believe that a child in a large family can also thrive - just like my boyfriend's dad did. However if I was to say I'd like 10 kids - would I be judged ? I haven't decided on this at all - I'm currently pregnant with my second - but honestly felt my DD thrived as an only so definitely didn't conceive to give Dd a sibling - am delighted for this child in its own right !

I'm currently open minded about family size and am a SAHM. But what are your opinions on families of 10 like my boyfriends Dad's - WIBU if this is what I wanted ?

Because why else would someone choose to have 10 children?? Who would it benefit??

"But it’s more how much land would be needed to provide the resources for each person per year and throughout their lifetime. How much damage that would cause to ecosystems"

Of course, but it was still an interesting concept and a surprise to me.

@Holly60 well there’s no reason to suppose it’s pregnancy or toddlers they love particularly, maybe they love busy homes, maybe they love teenagers, maybe they like 2, 4, 8, or however many. What’s the difference between wanting a large family to wanting an only? To me it’s no different than where you would choose to live.

One of my great grandmothers had 9, with only 3 surviving. She died herself giving birth to the last one, my grandfather. Another had 12 (4 stillborn) with 5 surviving to adulthood. I cannot imagine the heartbreak.

I’m not sure I’d judge, per se. Well, maybe I would. I’d assume the parents were selfishly doing it for themselves, as I don’t see how the kids would in anyway benefit from swarms of siblings and vastly reduced resources.
I’d wonder how they could afford it.
I’d wonder why they were doing it.
I’d wonder what happens to a body that’s been pregnant and given birth ten times.
I’d wonder how they managed to get anything done.
I’d wonder if the older kids were expected to act as mini parents for the younger ones, and how they felt about that.
I’d wonder about the choices the parents made in other aspects of their lives.
I’d wonder how they justified it to themselves.
I’d wonder what medics would think of the risk to the mother and child each time.
I’d wonder at the parents’ motivation…

I grew up in a big family - lots of chaos and neglect, both parents worked, life was shit, no time for looking after anyone.

I would judge far too many children.

In the past people had a lot of children because many would not survive beyond infancy. It has only been a tiny time in history where most children would survive, but contraception was hard to get. Even then most families were small through the withdrawal method.

I have 2 children and my husband and I are currently really soul searching to know if we want a third. But we see it as a massive lifestyle change as two feels very manageable.

I wouldn't judge you but I couldn't do it myself. I know a woman who has 8 kids and she's a fantastic mother. She had them in 'twos' so that the children would be close in age so there was quite an age gap between the eldest and the youngest.

I look at her in awe, in truth. I'm sure my mental health would spiral if nothing else. Sounds fairly chaotic.

As a child of a large family please don’t. Unless you are superhuman it’s not nice for the child. By the time I came along birthday parties, zoo trips etc all done before and held no appeal. Also my parents were really old. I loathed it

I know someone who had 9 siblings and he hated it. His parents never had any time for him and the older ones had to help look after the little ones a lot. His mum cooked pasta for every tea time and he now can't stand it as an adult.

Ten is too much.

Yes and going forward the older ones continued that dynamic - so my older siblings still think they can boss me around - it's insane and I am so over it I can't spend any time with any of them. Try feeling like a 10 year old when you're with your siblings - it's not much fun, it wasn't for them either but I am past caring.

@lipstickontheglass

Yes, I agree - same messed up dynamic in my family. Eldest two are more like parents than siblings, even now.

I loved being one of a large family

Agree. My mother now on her seventies was of the age when most people had 5+ siblings. She had to basically be a 'mum' to her four younger siblings, hugely resented it (only just admitted this a few years ago)

I’m unusual in that I am Northern Irish from a Catholic family and I’m an only child, my dad’s an only and I have only one kid myself!

I worry about having only one although he doesn’t seem to mind at the moment. But when we are older, he may wish he had siblings. Life as an only can be lonely and he is naturally very sociable.

I think not having siblings meant it took me ages to learn inter personal skills and I had no friends at school because I was such an over sensitive weirdo. But my son is very different from me and I parent very differently from my parents, so I hope that doesn’t happen to him.

I don’t think I’d judge peeps with bigger families; was very common among many of my peers at school.

I’d like to say I wouldn’t judge but I probably would. I know a family with 12 children, only dad works part time hours so they’re on benefits and have social housing yet keep pushing more kids out. The older ones have had to shoulder a lot of the care for the younger ones and are chomping at the bit to get out. The house is messy and dirty, which is no surprise for the amount of people living there, and there is no chance for calm and quiet time when the need arises.

I think because I know them I’m more likely to judge now rather than just think people must be bonkers to have that many children.

A friend who came from a family of six did not have kids as she says she spent her childhood raising her siblings so has already done the parenting part of life.

Personally I think your son will be fine as an only. I would say it only gets lonely for only children if it's a dysfunctional family dynamic. But dysfunctional family dynamics are more at risk of loneliness for a child regardless of having siblings or not

Oh I judge him plenty. Odious little shit.

I think for your grandparents it was a different generation, the women has less options and so had more children. There is a perceived link between large families and poverty. One of my gps was from a large family, 8 kids, but considered rough, the perceived "better" side had less children. Large families now still are by some judged as either posh (enough to afford them) or rough. I know for me with just 2 I could afford childcare whilst I worked, I could run a family car, do school runs easily, go on holiday easily, put 2 through driving lessons, first cars and uni. I was raised as one of 3, parents were careful but okay financially as they both worked. Dp was one of 4 and they were less well off, the kids were encouraged go into the work market rather than persue higher education.

No, I wouldn’t.

Has anyone watched 21 kids and counting? I think they have a lovely family dynamic, plenty of money, plenty of space, plenty of love and they seem to truly adore each and every child and have meaningful experiences with them all.

I couldn’t do it personally, I have 3 and feel I'm at my limit. I couldn’t be a good parent to 10+ children but I do like the idea! It certainly works for some people. But I like sitting on my arse from 8pm-10pm 😂

I wouldn’t judge it just as I wouldn’t judge someone for choosing to only have 1. None of anyone else’s business frankly.

I don't even know where to begin to open your eyes to that particular family. Take yourself over to tattle and have a look at the thread for them. All I will say is be prepared.

@ImJustNotMeAnymore

have a link?

I think that that family are selling those poor kids childhoods. There needs to be tighter rules to stop children like these being used to line the coffers of their parents.
Wil Wheaton has put a Facebook post up about some similar today from his point of view