To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

But tbh I do find it weird someone told you off for it!

You did absolutely nothing wrong!

Congratulations ! How lovely

job done.

Oh dear, poor OP.

That will be the next mindless chatter about to pervade the office, about which you will doubtless be expected to show sufficient enthusiasm or else face the wrath of the 'expected response' police.

I'd recommend investing in pair of noise-cancelling earphones. It can only get worse!

I'd probably do exactly the same OP.
Also, why are they taking up work time on an engagement ring ?

Yeah, op. You totally failed at womanning. You should have squealed, clapped your hands, skipped like a gambolling lamb, screeched, wet your knickers, gasped, asked about colour schemes, hen nights, hen weekends, table plans, save the dates, embossed invitations, and all the other SO FUN STUFF THAT PROPER LADIES LOVE.

You’re perfectly entitled to your views on proposals and marriage and I think it was quite unnecessary for your colleague to pull you up.

I would say however, that your op was dripping with disdain so I’d be hugely surprised if you weren’t noticeably rude, even if you don’t think you were. You also seem very invested in this woman’s relationship considering you apparently don’t care or know her all that well. You may not agree with her life choices but to dismiss them as her doing anything to keep a man smacks of internalised misogyny - there could be any number of reasons she wants to get married, none of which need to meet with your approval. Just like you’re not required to fawn over her engagement right, she is not required to live a life which perfectly aligns with your views. Keep your distance going forward if she irks you so much.

YANBU OP, and the colleague that 'took you to task' is a knob for even mentioning it. You said congratulations, that, imo, is all that's resulted

Required not resulted

Perfect 😁

I get that.

But sometimes in offices you can have people, who think they have some god given right to self appoint themselves as the decider on what reactions/behaviours are appropriate, when in fact they are none of their business.

Sometimes they need to be put firmly in THEIR place.

A friend of mine did just this when a known mouthy male CF from another department past a public remark about her not being a team player for not being even slightly interested in going to a baby shower afternoon tea on a saturday afternoon/evening.

My friend in her 50's, asked him who did he think he was speaking to like that, and what business was it of his what she did during her weekends.

She had a word with HR who told him to keep his remarks to himself about other staff and how they choose to spend their weekends and that he had no business whatsoever telling a staff member that they weren't a team player.

It wasn't the first time he had spoken out of turn and several people were quite happy to see his wings clipped.

Brilliantly put! 👏🏻

I'm still laughing 🤣🤣🤣

You sound fun

She is happy. That's what matters

It wouldn't have hurt you to say oh. That's gorgeous. Many congrats etx

She is excited about getting married

That's what engaged is about

So those who asked if you were married , it does sound to us reading it And maybe those in the room
That you were jealous etx as not engaged or married

Yanbu at all.

In the situation, I'd have been dismayed but I'd have tried to cover it up.

What is your colleague thinking?!

Because, Scrooge, any workplace that recognises the humanity of the staff can spare a few minutes to celebrate someone's happy life event. Come on, you know that.

Yes, especially the ‘ooh! Very important to put the oohs in or we may seem less than excited.

How ridiculous. I'm not the slightest bit interested in people's engagements when I'm at work. I'll say congratulations but that's it. I refuse to gush.
I dont discuss my private life ar work at all.

She did say something congratulatory.

Oooohh sooo exciting !!!
Congratulations.
The ring is gorgeouuussss - squeal.
You are so lucky
Such a gorgeouuusss colour.

What else am I supposed to say? I genuinely can't think of anything.

'So those who asked if you were married , it does sound to us reading it And maybe those in the room
That you were jealous etx as not engaged or married'

Dear god 🤦🏻‍♂️ it absolutely does not. Not every woman is desperate for a man and a ring!

20 minutes was quoted by OP. So unless a lunch break that's a long 'few minutes '

100% THIS!

So there were lots of men gushing with excitement were there?

No, thought not (well guessing not).

I think what you said was fine, why should we all be fake. I hate the way everyone pretends these days, no wonder all young people are so insecure.

I'm actually a real fun person in my personal life, at work just professional.