To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

I am pretty much with you @Thelaughingtonepoliceman I mean I am excited for people very close to me with stuff like this - DC/niece/nephew/BFFs and their family - but with most people I really could not give a shit.

And someone getting all sniffy and butthurt, because people didn't get suitably excited, smiley, and happy at their engagement announcement, and didn't fawn over their engagement ring for more than 3 seconds, is pathetic and attention seeking. Why do people not get that what is exciting for them is not remotely exciting or interesting for everyone else??? (A few people probably, but most people really don't care!)

It's like just this past 6 months, I know four different women who have had a baby. Every single one of them - EVERY TIME I see them - shoves their baby in my arms for 'cuddles.' I DO NOT WANT TO HOLD YOUR BABY. I do not want 'baby cuddles!' FFS. These are my colleagues, DH's colleagues, and neighbours and acquaintances. Not really close family or friends babies/grandchildren. It's like they CBA to keep holding them, so they shove them onto anyone who has their arms free.

I don't dislike babies, but I do NOT want to be sitting there holding someone else's baby. They are heavy, and awkward to hold with the floppy head you have to support, and they make my arms ache. I have done my bit/earned my stripes ta. Had 2 of my own, and will very possibly be looking after THEIR children sometime in the future when/if they have them! Don't lump your baby on me coz you CBA to hold them!

By the way OP. I don't think you sound bitter and horrid like some posters are making out. (OR rude!) I don't know why you're getting a hard time on here. As several posters have pointed out, I bet no MAN would be getting a hard time for not squealing with excitement at a female colleagues engagement ring. Misogyny at its finest. How DARE a wummun not be excited for another wumman and cry with joy at the massive rock on her finger!

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman just read all your updates.

You are my hero of the day! And you sound like someone with their head properly screwed on.

I wish you’d been around to give me a shake when I married my now - x’D’H! I never thought I was the type to buy into the whole marriage thing, but the social pressure is huge…and I’m embarrassed to say that I married him because everyone said I was ‘too fussy’, and was expecting too much!

Men wouldn’t be admonished for not being effusive enough about a colleague’s engagement ring. No way would someone call them up on it! Women having to be people pleasers yet again but this time by other women - sheesh!

This. You sounded a bit rude

send her this

I think you colleague has some cheek to pull you aside and attempt to lecture you.

You said your tone was pleasant but not effusive, which is your business.

Email the person and ask them to be more specific in their complaint as to EXACTLY what did you do wrong which entitled them to pull you aside an make assertions about your being "unpleasant".

Their view is purely subjective, so ask for specifics.

I think they are a complete CF to think they have any right to lecture you.

Complain THEM to HR and THEIR behaviour towards you.

I certainly don't fawn effusively over the engagements of people that are acquaintances, I'm sure like lots of people excitement is really dependent on your relationship with the person making the announcement.

I’m with you OP. I can’t stand performative, excited squealing over engagement rings. To be told off for not being enthusiastic enough about this shallow performance is ridiculous. And I would hate feeling obliged to look enthusiastic about her engagement to someone I knew to be an arse.

Pretty much what I said! I am waiting for #BEKIND to be posted on here actually.

(Only if you're a wumman though.)

I really wouldn't go to these lengths over it unless the colleague is really giving you hell over it.

I find engagements and weddings totally tedious and problematic too, OP.
I can muster up a smile and a 'congratulations' where appropriate, but could never bring myself to gush over someone else's ring. Not impressed.

I bet a good proportion of those exhorting you to fake some enthusiasm will also be people who have decorations or greetings cards emblazoned with 'Be Yourself' or somesuch affirmation of sincerity 😂

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

I agree with you 100% about all of this. Engagements and proposals and engagement rings make me cringe to my very toes. They are vestiges of a patriarchal system and not in the least bit romantic IMO. I would also include all the traditions surrounding weddings as well: wearing a white dress, giving away the bride, etc. Yuck. No, thanks.

Obviously, I wouldn't express that opinion to someone who announced their engagement. I would offer my congratulations, maybe comment that the ring was nice. It sounds as though you were perfectly polite to your colleague @Thelaughingtonepoliceman. No need to gush, especially as you know the man she's marrying is a bit of a creep.

are You female? If you are I wonder if a man would have been pulled aside and told off. I’d say not.

I get you, OP

Ooh I got into trouble for doing the exact same thing with a colleague who came in flashing her ring and giving us a blow by blow account of the weekend. I was polite and told her that her ring was lovely when she stuck it under my nose. My manager thought I was being mean not gushing over it.

The manager shut up pretty quick when I pointed out that the Big Proposal story confirmed that instead of being at home near death's door, as she had claimed to be, she was in fact on a city break abroad getting engaged. That according to her timeline, she was actually calling in sick from the airport. And I'd had to work late to cover her shift and missed an important event of my own in the process.

When my best friend got engaged to someone horrible (who, of course, she later divorced), I forget altogether to be interested in the ring. A mutual friend rang me the next day to talk about the ring and the size of the diamond, how much it cost, etc etc. I said “oh, well, he’s still a c**t”. And that was that.

I can’t understand why anyone would make a thing of your comments. It’s work, surely people would assume you were busy and needed to get on. Who has time to spend 20 minutes discussing an engagement ring at work?

What did you say to the colleague who criticized your response, OP?

for women to gush you mean? Men are generally not expected to do anything beyond a congrats.

If asked, just say you had something else (WORK RELATED) on your mind and needed to deal with it.

I feel your pain, OP. I find everything to do with engagements and weddings excruciatingly boring and often off-putting in their self-involvement. I'd go back to that colleague and ask them is they would ever ask a man what they asked you. I bet their arse they wouldn't, because men are allowed not to give a shit about weddings/babies, etc.

I'm happily married and agree with everything the op said

Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

All these people gushing over the ring - were they all female?

Because if so, I'd be asking your colleague whether she'd feel the need to enthusiasm-police the response of a MALE colleague in the same way.

You could try being happy for someone that is happy to be engaged ? Why is this about you ?

It isn't.

Is that rather the point?

Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

"I've done nothing unpleasant, unlike you, who have chosen to be the Engagement Enthusiasm Police & instruct another adult in how to respond to news of an impending marriage."

Yeah. You could have said something like oooh how exciting! Hope you have fun wedding planning