To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

Ha yes I have a terrible habit of not reading all the posts then posting something someone’s already said 😁

Did you not explain to the person who told you off that you were as congratulatory as you felt able to be when you were actually concerned about her welfare when she said she was marrying someone who called her a slut, wouldn’t do anything social with her, and made her cry at work? Or were you told these things by her in confidence? Did you ask the colleague how she felt able to sound so happy about the continuation of a seemingly toxic relationship?

I do find it hilarious that if you question the appropriateness of gushing over a woman getting engaged there's an immediate kneejerk to the assumption that "bitterness" and "jealousy" are the only possible motivesIt assumes that there is nothing else in women's lives which motivates them beyond wanting to catch and keep a man or wanting to make other women feel that you have sufficient status. It's a very limiting way to look at the world

it assumes no such thing, what an Illogical thought. As humans we can and enjoy multiple things. And I suspect you don’t find it remotely hilarious.

Yes the woman who spoke to you about your 'lack of enthusiasm' is batshit!! Too much time on her hands !!

This . Perhaps it was the way you said it ?

I'm sure that if a terrible crisis of productivity occurred, the manager would sort it out.

Well OP, in your own words you describe your reaction as giving a "peremptory nod" and a basic sentence of congratulations before walking off. You must know that would have come across as somewhat sour? You don't have to be fake but in your own telling you made your true feelings (of not feeling congratulatory towards her) clear.

The thing is, we all pretend to be happy about things we couldn't care less about, it's the social lubricant that keeps us all moving along so that when something happens in our own lives, others will be happy (or kindly pretend) to be happy for us. I promise you at some point in your life people have acted happy for you! I'll take that over miserable honesty and it's not even honesty really that you're displaying, it's just you prioritizing your superior assessment of her life over her feelings.

I wonder if OP’s colleague who took her to task and told her she wasn’t being enthusiastic enough also did the same to any men in the office who weren’t gushing over the engagement ring and the upcoming wedding. I suspect not!

Why should she though. When of my colleagues got married 10 or so years ago and everyone acted excited about it when in reality we all knew its not gonna work out. Nobody liked him, but we didnt say anything out of politeness and because it was none of our business.
They got divorced not long after and it was a horrible process for her. I am a very close friend of hers now (didnt know her well back then), and when we talked about that marriage once i told her i dont know what she was thinking marrying that guy as they were so mismatched and he was just not a good person.
She told me literally everyone who knows her says that now. But nobody told her when she got engaged. And she just didnt see it.

Obviously she probably wouldnt have listened to people anyways in that moment, so bad mouthing him wont change anything, but fake happiness is also not helpful.

Is this colleague who took you to task a superior or just the office busy body? Either way totally unprofessional. It is not part of any job description to have to be more than polite and cooperative to colleagues. You congratulated her and that was the polite thing to do. @Drinkinggreentea I don't think op was rude to walk away after this. Would you say that to a woman secretly battling infertility who wanted to not be involved in exciting baby talk in the office? No one in the office needs to know why @Thelaughingtonepoliceman isn't interested in further talk about engagement beyond a polite congratulations and it isn't rude to not gush over it.

Why so snotty?

& WTF is misogynistic about not wanting a woman to marry an abusive man?

Yup, I just got a little crush on @Bamboux 😁

There's also something about the ceremonial waving around of engagement rings and the "ooh look he asked me" which I find nauseating.

Well, if anyone ever asks you, and presents you with a sparkler, you may feel differently

I don't understand why people are expected to gush over someone else getting engaged/having a baby etc. The OP said congratulations so that's all that's needed

I’m fairly sure his friends and colleagues were congratulating him too yes, back pats, questions on the wedding etc . Gushing is a horrible put down little word isn’t it. Used to belittle. As the op is trying to do to the women who were making a fuss over the woman who got engaged and congratulating her. She’s trying ro belittle them. Her phrasing is scornful and belittling.

men don’t act the way the op does either. Let’s be honest. Few people do, we can all find it in ourselves to congratulate the person if it makes them happy, admire the ring, talk about the wedding.

the op is portraying herself as “I was endlessly lovely, albeit brief”. But it’s clear her behaviour was spotted by her colleagues and yes. They likely think she’s bitter and jealous.

I’d put money on it. Would a female superior/boss have been pulled up as well? I doubt that too.

She is happy. That's what matters

She won't be happy, once his abuse escalates post-wedding.
As abuse always does, following significant partnership markers.

That's what matters @Blondeshavemorefun

This could be me! Reading the numerous posts about what happens in work places I'm amazed that anything gets done. The OP looked, said congratulations and went back to work, the rest of the time-wasters were unreasonable.

Not 20 minutes, what are some workplaces thinking, slacking on enforcing the policies there!🙄

Since when did it become ok to be so judgemental on people's choices on how they live their lives. He may be a number one arsehole but presumably she is an adult and you as you have highlighted frequently to prove your point, are only her colleague!

You sound like my kind of person. Someone who won't go into all the fake bullshit around this. You know enough about this man to know that this engagement is most likely a mistake, and won't end well. You know that because the woman has shared this information.

That's what happens when you share personal shit, because people remember when you would rather that they'd forgotten.

For someone else to pull you aside to complain that you weren't enthusiastic enough is unreasonable. Nobody gets to police your reaction. I think I'd have politely reminded her of the incidents the fiancee has shared. I couldn't be that much of a hypocrite tbh. I'd have complimented her ring or something even if you needed a magnifying glass to see it lol.

I love Gushers as the theatre of it all is more fun than Fiona's end of year accounts meeting whose time has been eaten in to by 20 minutes.

I'm sure if you'd bothered reading OP's posts before coming up with what you seem to believe to be bon mots of "gotcha" proportions, you wouldn't have made such a snide arse of yourself.

She doesn't want to marry, so would be turning down any "sparkler".

I’ve addressed all of this but:

a) She is not happy. She’s been in tears at least twice in the office as a result of his behaviour. I can’t know what her motives are for marrying this man but it’s not healthy
b) I did congratulate her
c) It is possible to feel disdain or dismay about the prospect of a marriage without being jealous. Your observation assumes that all women place being married as a life goal ahead of everything else. Women do have other motives and priorities sometimes
d) Even if I had been supportive of the marriage (which I’m not because he is an abusive arse) I wouldn’t feel a huge compunction to squeal with excitement about the engagement ring. My failure to do so doesn’t automatically mean I am unkind or bitter. This is kind of the whole point of my post

What the heck do workplaces want from people nowadays! Last night I read about someone pulled aside and told to 'share more of herself' with the office and now this.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong, OP. It's hard to get enthusiastic about someone else's stuff, and many of the posters here know that full well. After all, how many times have I read on here that they can't get excited about someone else's wedding or pregnancy..

Based on your account I don't think you've done anything wrong, OP, but if someone felt the need to take you to aside later I suspect you were quite a bit ruder than you realise.