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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a party for my daughters 1st birthday?

152 replies

jug878 · 13/03/2023 01:43

My daughter will be 1 this summer.

The mum guilt is eating away at me and I feel like I need to throw this great party for her... even though I know she won't remember it!

We can't have a small gathering at our place because it's a flat. So it'll be a party involving a hall/food etc. etc. money is tight. We could stretch and make it happen but it'll be stressful for us.

I told a close family member that we are thinking of just taking baby out for the day us 3 as a family. She said I'm being selfish and that family will want to celebrate her and that it's mean to not give her a party.

Now I'm smothered with mum guilt and she's made me feel terrible. But this particular person just doesn't understand, they have never had money worries and have always had lavish parties costing thousands which I personally think is OTT.

Am I being selfish?

For those who decided to do a party/not do a party for babys 1st birthday, how did you feel about it after?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/03/2023 01:45

Why bother? Billions of children survive without birthday parties and few people want to attend them. It's just a modern competitive-mum affectation.

Save yourself & others' time and money.

Cuwins · 13/03/2023 01:49

My dd was 1 last month. We didn't do a party and I was really glad we hadn't planned one she was unwell on her birthday. Friends of ours planned one and paid several hundred pounds for a venue and baby was ill so all cancelled with no refund. So another thing to bare in mind.
Like you we are in a flat so limited space but we had 1 set of grandparents and auntie round in the morning for presents, cake and candles. Then we went out for lunch (unfortunately she wasn't well enough to enjoy it). After her afternoon nap we had the other set of grandparents round for presents, cake and candles.
It worked well as they got to see her and she enjoyed being the centre of attention but it wasn't overwhelming for her and didn't cost us.

CanOfPop · 13/03/2023 01:53

I did not do one for my DD at 1 years old. At this age the party is for the adults. So do don't put yourself under financial pressure for it.
If you really feel under pressure, suggest going down the pub with a cheap birthday cake but make it clear people will have to buy their own drinks.

MarshaMelrose · 13/03/2023 01:57

Your daughter won't remember it. It would just be for adults. Tell her to organise and pay for it and you'll all go to her house.

CanOfPop · 13/03/2023 02:01

And at this age a lot of 1 year olds do not even like parties.

funtimesahead100 · 13/03/2023 02:12

If you do feel pressured into having a party, being a summer baby could you have a picnic in a park or host in someone's garden?

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 13/03/2023 02:16

I don't know anyone who had a big party for their child's first birthday. People I know just do the family and cake thing.

JL642 · 13/03/2023 02:20

Agree with above can you not do something simple like a picnic (bring your own food if money is tight) outside in summer

CraftyGin · 13/03/2023 02:21

You absolutely do not need to have parties. I have five children and have not done parties. They are fairly well-balanced adults.

My foster child turned six in the last week. I was all set to book a party at our church, but realised that there were several other parties by school friends to compete with. The net result was that we had three other girls over straight after school for a tea party (and prosecco for mums). She had far more fun running around like a loon at home, compared to the fancy trampoline and bowling parties in the weeks before.

ourflagmeansdeath · 13/03/2023 02:35

That family member is an asshole. You don't have parties for your children just to make others happy, they aren't toys. It's fine OP, give her a special day you can tell her about when she's older just as the 3 of you it'll be more meaningful. You don't need to go all out, you'll have plenty of time in the future.

StClare101 · 13/03/2023 02:50

We didn’t have a first birthday for either child. Very few people I know did. Your relative is weird.

blebbleb · 13/03/2023 02:55

We had a tiny gathering with just the grandparents for my sons 1st birthday.

ilovepuppies2019 · 13/03/2023 03:12

Do whatever you want. You could easily do a picnic at a park or just sit in the garden with a cake for an hour. A little party is perfect for a baby who is probably going to be overwhelmed.

BritInAus · 13/03/2023 03:27

I think it was really rude of the family member who said that. Also none of their business. This is especially rude if it puts pressure on you to host a party you can't easily afford.

I think a small outing is lovely. I took my DC to a children's farm for their first brithday. It was such a lovely day. When we got home, DC had their nap then 4/5 of our closest friends (our family are overseas) came around for cake and a glass of bubbles. It was really relaxed, easy, and inexpensive and DC was so happy at the farm and we have lovely photos of them with the animals.

Flittingaboutagain · 13/03/2023 03:40

I have a garden and just borrowed a few bits of soft play the day after the actual birthday so we could spend it just us. Friends without a garden had a picnic in the local country park. It's all for the adults I agree so that is a good and very cheap compromise and doesn't have to be on the day itself. I'll do the same with baby 2.

nameisnotimportant · 13/03/2023 04:47

Just have a picnic at a local park and ask everyone to bring an item. Then have a little birthday cake and a balloon. You don't need anything flashy, there is so much waste with birthday parties.

RunTowardsTheLight · 13/03/2023 04:50

When my DC1 turned 1 we just invited his godparents and grandparents over for tea and cake. No need for a big party.

elodiesmith · 13/03/2023 05:07

We're not doing a 1st bday party for our little one.
Wtf is mum guilt?
We sacrifice so much for our kids, adjust our life. Plus our baby is very lucky and has everything he needs in life. Holidays, great schools picked for him already. Any toy he needs, best organic foods I can find, nice clothes (cotton, linen etc.) great lifestyle with lots of entertainment and outings, lots of love from mum and dad.

I have zero guilt of anything regarding raising him.
He won't even remember the first bday party. His dad and I might take him out for a nice picnic, just to mark the occasion.

WandaWonder · 13/03/2023 05:39

We never had a party

ZuliKyanLarsFoz · 13/03/2023 05:43

Oh crikey! Neither of mine had a 1yo birthday party. Your idea of a small family celebration sounds great to me. We only started parties at age 3.

88milesanhour · 13/03/2023 05:57

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/03/2023 01:45

Why bother? Billions of children survive without birthday parties and few people want to attend them. It's just a modern competitive-mum affectation.

Save yourself & others' time and money.

This is a seriously miserable attitude to have and no wonder the next generation of kids are growing up so miserable and lacking in basic social skills. Birthdays are very important for kids (when they're older than 1) and will usually form many of their core childhood memories (good or bad) Mine is 5 soon and her entire class has been invited to her party. Do I want to spend the afternoon managing 30 sugar-high 4/5 YO's? Absolutely not! Do I want to take her every other weekend to parties? Not really... but I do it and I'm really glad that my dd is getting chance to do it because it's so important for her. It has literally nothing to do with competitiveness. It's about my child having a good childhood.

This said, let's be honest even the most switched on of 1 year olds isn't going to remember their birthday so just do what you want OP. We did hire a small community centre room for my dd's first but that was only because I didn't want tonnes of relatives turning up to our place and messing it up. It was for me not the child. I'd say until they're 4 at least they won't remember or appreciate it so feel no guilt x

Flittingaboutagain · 13/03/2023 06:06

It's about my child having a good childhood.

^ I have lovely memories of my birthdays too - from the whole class parties in the village hall, skittles alley etc, to the time we went swimming, had a few friends over for a princess party etc. I absolutely loved it!

BMrs · 13/03/2023 06:09

Absolutely nope. We did a day out just us and had a little tea party at home just family.

No need to do annual big parties, especially for ones so young.

smellyflowers · 13/03/2023 06:11

It's completely up to you. We didn't do a party - just had grandparents join us on a day out.

Dontletitsnow · 13/03/2023 06:15

My dc is going to be 5 this year and will have their first party.

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