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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a party for my daughters 1st birthday?

152 replies

jug878 · 13/03/2023 01:43

My daughter will be 1 this summer.

The mum guilt is eating away at me and I feel like I need to throw this great party for her... even though I know she won't remember it!

We can't have a small gathering at our place because it's a flat. So it'll be a party involving a hall/food etc. etc. money is tight. We could stretch and make it happen but it'll be stressful for us.

I told a close family member that we are thinking of just taking baby out for the day us 3 as a family. She said I'm being selfish and that family will want to celebrate her and that it's mean to not give her a party.

Now I'm smothered with mum guilt and she's made me feel terrible. But this particular person just doesn't understand, they have never had money worries and have always had lavish parties costing thousands which I personally think is OTT.

Am I being selfish?

For those who decided to do a party/not do a party for babys 1st birthday, how did you feel about it after?

OP posts:
Roseheart · 14/03/2023 00:30

No one knows your child better than you. I cannot understand these over judgmental busy bodies. Do what's right for you. I took my daughter out for the day while her friend had the party. Both equally happy and neither can remember, although we have the photos.

Sweetener12 · 14/03/2023 06:12

YANBU, 1st birthday party is not as much for the kid as it's for the adults, and if you don't feel like hosting/planning one, then don't, no one can tell you you have to. Relatives who are so adamant there ought to be a party, are free to host one themselves ig 💁I don't know anyone who'd throw a huge party for their DC 1st birthdays. A small gathering for close family members and friends at their place was more than enough. If you feel like you just must do something bigger, you can take pictures of the birthday girl and make a birthday video with them. This is how memories are preserved and you can watch the video together later, because, frankly speaking, she wont remember the party even if you have one.

GotABeatForYouMama · 14/03/2023 06:37

Not only did I not give DD a party for her 1st birthday, I didn't buy her a present either. I opened a savings account for her instead.

FirstTimeBoyMum21 · 14/03/2023 08:54

On our son’s actual birthday we took him out just the three of us, but the next day we had close family to our home for a homemade cake. It was very low key, but I appreciate we were fortunate to have the space to have our families.

As your DC has a spring/summer birthday could you suggest a meet up at a local park with grandparents / close family? There’s no cost, no pressure and no stress to have a lot of people in your home but the important people in your DC’s get to celebrate this milestone with you all.

Lottiebe · 14/03/2023 10:17

My fiancé and I took our daughter to the zoo for her first birthday with her grandparents. We lived celebrating the day and she loves the animals, no need for a party, at that age it is more for the adults. If family want a big celebration, they can throw the party! Make the effort for her second birthday. Our DS loved her little 2nd party. That is when the fun begins!! Don’t feel guilty at all.

Whichwhatnow · 14/03/2023 10:32

Agree with the picnic suggestion. My niece has a summer birthday and all of her birthdays so far have been a picnic in the local park for family and friends/friends' kids, with everyone bringing along some snacks/sandwiches/cake etc.

She's five now and I suspect may want a 'proper' party with her little school friends for the first time when she turns six later this year (though this may still be a picnic, just with more organised party games and party food laid on).

I definitely wouldn't be stretching myself to pay for a hall and catering for a one year old's birthday party!

Radiatorvalves · 14/03/2023 13:40

My DS birthday is just before Christmas and we spent 12 hours of his first birthday driving across France. He’s now 16 and doesn’t appear adversely affected. And the rellies didn’t mind either.

i suspect I’d get 1/10 from your family!

Staceyp788 · 14/03/2023 18:27

I would suggest that others can come on the day out if they wish, go to the park, maybe have lunch and a little cake somewhere. That way you have the memories of their first birthday and other family can choose to come and pay for their meal if they wish. YOU are the parent of DC no one else. Their opinion doesn't matter, it is just that, an opinion. You do what it best for YOUR family. My DC'S are now 13 and 11. Take it from someone who has been through this, learn from other peoples mistakes and do what you feel is best for you and your DC no one elses opinions matter 💗 good luck x

NomiMacaroni · 14/03/2023 19:12

Tell her she can host it if it's so important to her.

cherish123 · 14/03/2023 20:33

YANBU
Your baby will not care if there is a party

Car1990 · 14/03/2023 20:41

I think sometimes babies that age actually find the whole party thing stressful and would actually enjoy the day more if it was just a small thing

PollyPut · 14/03/2023 22:12

A lot of people do an informal picnic in the park at that age; a good chance to to socialise with other parents but nothing fancy

Molkomad · 15/03/2023 21:31

Honestly, don't bother.....my DS is 6 and we didn't do him a birthday party until his 5th birthday after he'd started school. My DD is 4 and she's never had a party either. They both had friends from nursery but we didn't see the point in having parties until they're old enough to enjoy / remember some of it. We didn't feel guilty in the slightest! Ignore what other people say and do what you want.

UWhatNow · 15/03/2023 21:48

88milesanhour · 13/03/2023 05:57

This is a seriously miserable attitude to have and no wonder the next generation of kids are growing up so miserable and lacking in basic social skills. Birthdays are very important for kids (when they're older than 1) and will usually form many of their core childhood memories (good or bad) Mine is 5 soon and her entire class has been invited to her party. Do I want to spend the afternoon managing 30 sugar-high 4/5 YO's? Absolutely not! Do I want to take her every other weekend to parties? Not really... but I do it and I'm really glad that my dd is getting chance to do it because it's so important for her. It has literally nothing to do with competitiveness. It's about my child having a good childhood.

This said, let's be honest even the most switched on of 1 year olds isn't going to remember their birthday so just do what you want OP. We did hire a small community centre room for my dd's first but that was only because I didn't want tonnes of relatives turning up to our place and messing it up. It was for me not the child. I'd say until they're 4 at least they won't remember or appreciate it so feel no guilt x

Show quote history

Yeah… lack of 1st birthday parties. That’s why kids are ‘growing up so miserable and lacking in basic social skills’ 🙄

88milesanhour · 15/03/2023 21:57

UWhatNow · 15/03/2023 21:48

Yeah… lack of 1st birthday parties. That’s why kids are ‘growing up so miserable and lacking in basic social skills’ 🙄

Show quote history

You clearly haven't actually read my post ...

ToWhitToWhoo · 15/03/2023 22:34

A one-year-old isn't mature enough to understand the concept of a party, or to enjoy it more than ordinary daily activities, or to have any memories of it later on. So any party is for the adults. And it's rude and ungracious for a relative to demand that you provide them with a party, which is basically what this relative is doing when she accuses you of being 'selfish'.

Lizzt2007 · 16/03/2023 09:22

For my granddaughters 1st birthday they went out for a meal at a child friendly pub. Phrased like ' we're going out for tea at x pub at x time , if you'd like to meet us there you'd be very welcome' we took a cake which we shared but there was no expectation that parents were footing the bill. As you say dad won't remember x

Katiebaby3009 · 16/03/2023 09:28

My eldest sons 1st birthday was during lockdown and I felt guilty he wouldn’t get a party but now looking back, I’m glad we didn’t do one for him then. It would have been a needless expense and of no benefit to him. He had a party for his 3rd birthday and loved it so I think that’s a better age to do one. My second child didn’t have a 1st birthday party either- we just had grandparents over and he loved that. You should not feel obligated to have a party if you don’t want to.

Fivebyfive2 · 16/03/2023 09:32

My son was 3 in December and we've never done a party, we've always had the day just the 3 of us and it's been fab. We see family the days around his birthday but it's great having the day just to ourselves, he can play with his toys without rushing about and we just do soft play or a day out he'll really enjoy. We'll probably do a party when he's a bit older if he wants one, but at the really young age I don't really see the point to be honest.

Starfish11674 · 16/03/2023 09:34

We just celebrated as a family of 4 with some cake and balloons for DDs 1st. There’s so much pressure to do big things now, but I personally don’t think it’s worth the money! Save it for when she’s 4/5 and has actual friends she can celebrate with.

Baba197 · 28/05/2023 09:52

We didn’t have a party- my son hated anyone who wasn’t me and balloons so it would have been stressful! Tell your family your planning to take her out somewhere for the day and they’re welcome to join you- need not cost much even a local park with playground for the older kids, take some balloons, a cake and everyone can bring their own picnic. I’d have done that but my son is a December bday so not appealing in the cold!!

Parkandpicnic · 28/05/2023 14:56

Gosh you’re not being selfish at all, tbh babies/young toddlers are often a bit overwhelmed by the whole party thing, have lost count of the number of times the cake coming out is then accompanied by floods of tears
Have a lovely day out with DC and husband and perhaps just a few very close friends and family around for the cake after

jonahjones · 22/07/2023 16:16

I'm a mum of 2 and didn't do a party for either of mines first birthday as what's the point! infact mine didn't start having parties until the age of 4 or 5 when they'd start school and had friends to invite. each to their own I suppose though. I do think big first birthday parties are quite a new thing that's come about with social media so parents can post pictures etc. social media has a lot to answer for. my kids first birthdays were presents in the morning after breakfast then I had to go to work!

shellyleppard · 22/07/2023 16:19

i had a big family party for my sons first birthday. spent the entire time either in the kitchen or trying to stop family arguments. 🙄its really more hassle than its worth

Butchyrestingface · 22/07/2023 16:21

I told a close family member that we are thinking of just taking baby out for the day us 3 as a family. She said I'm being selfish and that family will want to celebrate her and that it's mean to not give her a party.

Tell if she feels that strongly, she can host. And pay for it.

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