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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a party for my daughters 1st birthday?

152 replies

jug878 · 13/03/2023 01:43

My daughter will be 1 this summer.

The mum guilt is eating away at me and I feel like I need to throw this great party for her... even though I know she won't remember it!

We can't have a small gathering at our place because it's a flat. So it'll be a party involving a hall/food etc. etc. money is tight. We could stretch and make it happen but it'll be stressful for us.

I told a close family member that we are thinking of just taking baby out for the day us 3 as a family. She said I'm being selfish and that family will want to celebrate her and that it's mean to not give her a party.

Now I'm smothered with mum guilt and she's made me feel terrible. But this particular person just doesn't understand, they have never had money worries and have always had lavish parties costing thousands which I personally think is OTT.

Am I being selfish?

For those who decided to do a party/not do a party for babys 1st birthday, how did you feel about it after?

OP posts:
AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 13/03/2023 06:18

DD is 3, and has only ever had a birthday tea with us and one set of GPs each time. With other side visiting during the day for an hour or so.

AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 13/03/2023 06:20

". It's about my child having a good childhood."

Having a birthday party at 1 doesn't make a good childhood. Nor does having a class party at 5.

What makes a good childhood is having a secure, sage and loving home filled with happy memories. That isn't automatic from a class party...

CoffeeLover90 · 13/03/2023 06:23

Mine never has a party. He will turn 4 this year. I take him on days out and he does get a cake when he gets home. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. He'd hate a hall or our house full of kids, touching his presents. Honestly at this age, they don't remember a thing. He'll have days out with me until he thinks I'm not cool anymore Grin

BeastOfBODMAS · 13/03/2023 06:36

We took DD for a day out at an attraction, told people where and when so they could join if they wanted. Only GPs did, fair enough.
She slept through the night for the first time afterwards so it was worth doing!

Folkishgal · 13/03/2023 06:53

She doesn't need a party she is so teeny, but if you really want one for your daughters first, (we were in a similar position, live in a tiny house so can't have people here) we hired the church hall for £30 for three hours, invited only family members and asked everyone to bring some food along!

It was lovely, everyone chatted and someone brought prosecco. We took her fave toys along to the hall and she had a blast toddling around and 'chatting' to everyone.

But as a previous poster said, a party is not what gives her a good childhood, having loving parents is the major thing! And the fact you are worried about this shows you obviously adore her and want the best ❤️

BusyMum47 · 13/03/2023 06:57

ourflagmeansdeath · 13/03/2023 02:35

That family member is an asshole. You don't have parties for your children just to make others happy, they aren't toys. It's fine OP, give her a special day you can tell her about when she's older just as the 3 of you it'll be more meaningful. You don't need to go all out, you'll have plenty of time in the future.

This! ⬆️

Your baby, your decision!

BendingSpoons · 13/03/2023 07:16

Many 1yos get overwhelmed at a big party. We had a 'party' which was my parents and brother coming round for cake and we had balloons. Friends had proper parties because they wanted to, and that was great for them. We went swimming on the day too, as that was something DD really enjoyed. Proper parties started from 4/5 here, as that's when they wanted them. They have photos to look back on of their small family parties before then.

Lilyandroses · 13/03/2023 07:22

Who is this family member who is making you feel mum guilt? Why is it people feel the constant need to shame and judge other mums.

Most people do not have parties for their 1 year old. They’re not going to remember it, if this family member is so worried about not being there for their birthday they could offer to visit around the time.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 13/03/2023 07:33

What a strange thing for your relative to say. I did do a party for oldest. She was a crap napper so i spent the morning stressing about trying to get her to sleep before it. Fell asleep just before we had to leave, had to wake her and then she was miserable the whole time. All the other kids had a great time though. Her actual birthday was the day after and we went to a farm park with grandparents and it was lovely.

ElegantlyTouched · 13/03/2023 07:35

For my dd's 1st birthday I took her to see friends of mine that I hadn't seen for a year. I got to catch up with them, she got to crawl round their garden.

Her second was spent with two of her friends and their mother's in a cafe. We chatted, they played in the soft play.

I threw a party for her third and she loved it, but really wouldn't have appreciated one before then.

kitcat15 · 13/03/2023 07:38

I'm 58.....i
got 3 DC and 3 DGC ....not one had a 1st birthday party .....just doesn't happen where I am

Wishawisha · 13/03/2023 07:43

Hiring a hall for a one year old would be ridiculous, I’ve never heard of anyone doing this.

Lots of people I know with summer birthdays did a bit of a picnic gathering in the park.

Surely you could still accommodate grandparents round in your flat? That’s if you want people there are all. The nice day out you were thinking of would equally work.

bakewellbride · 13/03/2023 07:44

We are having a tiny party for dd's first birthday soon. Literally 2 babies with one parent each. If it was up to me we'd have lots more babies but it had to be what's best for dd and she can get very shy and anxious if too many people are in our home. If doing what she'd prefer is selfish then I guess I'm selfish!

We had about 7 babies for my eldest's first party but he was a much more chilled baby. He enjoyed it! It has to be what's best for the child.

LlynTegid · 13/03/2023 07:46

Your day out decision is a far better one than pandering to yet another example of over celebrating everything.

Ragwort · 13/03/2023 07:48

Of course you don't need a party for a one year old! If you can, invite DGPs round for a piece of cake ... that's all you need to do.

And stop commenting on 'mum guilt' that's a really negative, martyrish emotion .. do you ever hear Dads mentioning 'dad guilt'?

saraclara · 13/03/2023 07:49

Ignore the family member.
Buy or make cake. Invite close family round for coffee/tea and cake. Maybe some balloons.

That was all that was done for my kids and my DGC for a first birthday, and they were happy occasions.

saraclara · 13/03/2023 07:53

Sorry, forgot this bit

We can't have a small gathering at our place because it's a flat. So it'll be a party involving a hall/food etc.

A hall? That's insane. If you can't fit the grandparents into your flat, and a hall is your only alternative as a venue, then you don't have a party. You go out as planned..

BanditsGravyStain · 13/03/2023 07:53

God no. Your family would have hated us, we took DD to a festival for a week over her first birthday. It wasn’t FOR her birthday, tickets were a layover from 2020 but it was the best! No stress of planning a party no one will remember, no spending shedloads on balloons and other crap.

Do what you want to do.

thatheavyperson · 13/03/2023 07:55

A party for a 1yo is just for the adults' benefit. Nothing wrong with that of course! But if you don't want to have one, that's obviously totally fine too! Ignore them.

Allschoolsareartschools · 13/03/2023 08:00

I honestly wish I hadn't bothered with any of the early years parties!
I wish I'd just started at their 4th birthdays where they can invite a few friends & maybe even remember it!
A day out with little ones or just a nice day with immediate family is so much less stressful & expensive, I got really fed up with all the rushing about & organising, I never used to really enjoy the day myself.

RampantIvy · 13/03/2023 08:03

Most people who aren't on mumsnet don't have birthday parties for their DC until the DC are old enough to make their own friends.

Don't be guilt tripped into doing something you don't want to. If the relative is so insistent you have one they can organise and pay for it.

First birthday parties are for the adults anyway. Babies get nothing out of it.

PinkSyCo · 13/03/2023 08:03

This again. One year olds would much rather stick to their usual routine or go out and do an age appropriate activity than be passed around by a bunch of noisy people, most of whom they probably barely know. You’d be an idiot to get into debt for something so unnecessary.

SkankingWombat · 13/03/2023 08:04

Something small to mark her birthday is fine. I do think you need something, as both my DCs have asked specifically what they did for their 1st birthday and have wanted to see pictures, but as long as the key moments are there (opening gifts & blowing out candles), that's enough. Would either set of GPs be able to host a small group on your behalf?

FWIW I hadn't planned on a party for DD1 because I thought it was pointless at that age, but my DM passed away a couple of weeks before her birthday and TBH we all needed a focus and bit of joy, so had a BBQ for friends and family. DD2 got a family trip to a local attraction, but this was done more for DD1's benefit and an excuse for a nice day out.

Bunnycat101 · 13/03/2023 08:05

Lots of 1yos hate those sort of bug parties. We would have had family round for some food/cake and I’m fairly sure both of mine would have slept through large chunks of it. Just have grandparents over to your flat and do something informal.

LesserBohemians · 13/03/2023 08:06

Absolutely no need for a party. We didn’t when DS was one.