Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a party for my daughters 1st birthday?

152 replies

jug878 · 13/03/2023 01:43

My daughter will be 1 this summer.

The mum guilt is eating away at me and I feel like I need to throw this great party for her... even though I know she won't remember it!

We can't have a small gathering at our place because it's a flat. So it'll be a party involving a hall/food etc. etc. money is tight. We could stretch and make it happen but it'll be stressful for us.

I told a close family member that we are thinking of just taking baby out for the day us 3 as a family. She said I'm being selfish and that family will want to celebrate her and that it's mean to not give her a party.

Now I'm smothered with mum guilt and she's made me feel terrible. But this particular person just doesn't understand, they have never had money worries and have always had lavish parties costing thousands which I personally think is OTT.

Am I being selfish?

For those who decided to do a party/not do a party for babys 1st birthday, how did you feel about it after?

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 13/03/2023 08:06

It's not just that they won't remember it, but they don't generally understand what's going on either. So it's not even character building really. The first birthday is an event for the adults far more than the child. So you have the event you want to suit you, the parents.

If you want to arrange something to mark it, a fairly low key plan like a picnic lunch if the weather's nice is ideal. Don't stress over it.

My dc's first birthday we had a picnic in Grandma's garden. A few balloons and some summery bunting and job done (also glad we have a record of that as some of the the older people there are no longer with us).

Soontobemumof2x · 13/03/2023 08:08

Hi OP.

my daughter is 1 this Sunday. We have a flat too and expecting again. I was absolutely not having it in a hall. TotL waste of money. I had a few options.

Have it at my mums or his mums, go out to eat and tell everyone it’s an open invite, or have people just come by the flat in different times.

in the end, we’ve went for a family gathering in my MIL, 16 of us. Ordered a few platters of sandwiches from Morrisons which is £11 each, and got a platter of wraps from Costco, her cake, crisps, cold pasta juice etc.

cheap & cheerful and LO won’t even remember.

xx

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/03/2023 08:09

Give yourself a break and just don't do it.

I can't even remember my 5th birthday party. I don't think my Mum bothered with my first. Or second, third or fourth.

I don't think it has emotionally damaged me.

No guilt. Tell family member to F off.

Lullabies2Paralyze · 13/03/2023 08:15

Don’t feel guilty, explain about money being tight etc, say what your plans are and say if anyone wants to join on your day out they can do but at their own expense?

maybe grandparents could come round for some cake? That’s what we are doing but I think just my parents as in-laws live 1.5hrs away and won’t want to travel as it’s “too far”

Fuggler · 13/03/2023 08:19

Don't do it OP, it's a waste of money and effort if it's not what you want.

It was DC2's 1st birthday on Friday. We had planned to go to a Brewer's Fayre for lunch as they have a softplay area for the kids but we were all ill so ended up just having immediate family round for a cuppa and a slice of cake. The kids were happy playing with the new toys.

My eldest is 2, he's a summer baby so we had a family BBQ in the garden for his 1st birthday, again, just immediate family.

It's about what YOU want to do, not anyone else.

89redballoons · 13/03/2023 08:20

CoffeeLover90 · 13/03/2023 06:23

Mine never has a party. He will turn 4 this year. I take him on days out and he does get a cake when he gets home. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. He'd hate a hall or our house full of kids, touching his presents. Honestly at this age, they don't remember a thing. He'll have days out with me until he thinks I'm not cool anymore Grin

Yep, same here. I've never had a birthday party for my eldest and he's 3. He's been to several parties in halls/soft play etc and he doesn't really enjoy them, and actually at the ones we've been to for under 3's the birthday boy/girl tends to have at least one meltdown or altercation with another child.

My baby is turning 1 in April, and I'm going to take him to the aquarium with his brother and then have a nice tea with them with DH and grandparents. Presents will just be re-wrapped hand me downs as he has everything he could need already. DS2 will have a happy day, he won't remember anything more than that, I'll take a photo of him with his cake for the album, job done.

If your relative is so bothered why don't they host a party for your DD? Or at least get her a really lavish present?

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 13/03/2023 08:22

we didn't have parties until they were 5. First year we didn't really do anything, just presents, cake and balloons at home. Frankly the presents were pretty superfluous, although the cake and balloons were a big hit. Ages 2-4 were a day out and a nice meal with family.

Mindymomo · 13/03/2023 08:24

Can you hold a small gathering at your parents or in laws house. That’s what we did, sandwiches and a cake with tea. Both my 2 sons never had proper parties until they were 5 years old.

aSofaNearYou · 13/03/2023 08:31

I mean, I'd be inclined to ignore them since what they said was rude, but if family want to be there surely the obvious answer is to go out for the day, and invite them? You don't have to pay for them.

Rainallnight · 13/03/2023 08:38

We didn’t start doing parties till about 4. We did a cake with a couple of (grown up) friends at home and a family day out.

bloodyplanes · 13/03/2023 08:42

I never did parties at this age for any of my dc! They are to young to appreciate it and its more about the parents showing off than the child!

AxolotlEars · 13/03/2023 08:42

No to a party at 1 years old. Meet somewhere for a BYO picnic if you want to celebrate with others. It can be a local park. Pick up a birthday cake on the way there from a supermarket, if you'd like to. We have always tried to do family around about the actual day. It spread on the celebrations and prevented territorial family dynamics! 😅

aSofaNearYou · 13/03/2023 08:46

As well as it being wasted on babies, my DD actually actively disliked her first birthday party, so I'd keep that in mind. It was fun for her older cousins but she was just overwhelmed and scared by them loudly stomping about our house.

Katela18 · 13/03/2023 08:55

My DD was one in lockdown so noone saw her never mind a party, she's 3 now and totally fine lol.

My DS will be 1 in May, we are likely to just do a picnic in the park and invite family along but no party. Babies find stuff like that overwhelming, these parties are for the adults not the child.

Just do what feels right to you, there is no point over stretching yourself mentally and financially for something she isn't going to remember

CJsGoldfish · 13/03/2023 08:57

First birthday parties are for the parents, not the child. Kid doesn't care, anything big just feels like a showy gift grab.
Spend the day you want to. Way more meaningful.
My adults have never, ever asked if they had a first birthday party 😂

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 13/03/2023 08:59

The day being just the three of you sounds wonderful! ☀️

You take your time, you spend less money, you get quality time with your daughter - what could be better?

You have years ahead for larger parties. As for your relative who called you selfish, it sounds like they in fact are...

Chooksnroses · 13/03/2023 09:01

jug878 · 13/03/2023 01:43

My daughter will be 1 this summer.

The mum guilt is eating away at me and I feel like I need to throw this great party for her... even though I know she won't remember it!

We can't have a small gathering at our place because it's a flat. So it'll be a party involving a hall/food etc. etc. money is tight. We could stretch and make it happen but it'll be stressful for us.

I told a close family member that we are thinking of just taking baby out for the day us 3 as a family. She said I'm being selfish and that family will want to celebrate her and that it's mean to not give her a party.

Now I'm smothered with mum guilt and she's made me feel terrible. But this particular person just doesn't understand, they have never had money worries and have always had lavish parties costing thousands which I personally think is OTT.

Am I being selfish?

For those who decided to do a party/not do a party for babys 1st birthday, how did you feel about it after?

I have 4 children, 14 grandchildren, 2 honorary grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren. None of them has had a birthday party before school age. As far as I know, nobody felt any guilt, and none of the children noticed!

Fleur405 · 13/03/2023 09:03

My daughter was 1 two weeks ago. My OH and I took her out for the day to a Petting farm type place which has a soft play area inside. She loved it. I don’t feel the smallest amount of guilt - she had zero idea it was her birthday.

UnagiForLife · 13/03/2023 09:06

What on Earth? You don’t need to feel guilty she won’t remember. My youngest is 6 and still hasn’t had a party because she’d hate it. I didn’t bother having a party until my eldest was 3 and that went down like a sack of spuds and I wondered why I’d bothered. I’d get away with not having birthday parties as long as you can, they’re hideous in my experience.

RosaBonheur · 13/03/2023 09:09

We had a party for my son's 1st birthday. It was in our flat. We just had family over for cake. Pretty sure he doesn't remember it.

Your family member needs to butt out.

lap90 · 13/03/2023 09:10

Your idea sounds fine. But FWIW, you don't need a hall... a picnic outside is fine.

IreneLady · 13/03/2023 09:10

One year old won't remember it and might find it a big scary noisy party too much. The family that want to celebrate they can throw something for the child. I would take a photo with the child and a cake blowing a candle for the memory box but I wouldn't throw a party.

Enufsaid · 13/03/2023 09:12

Save the money and put it towards all the parties you will want to have later - and ones that SHE will ask for!!!

I wish I had known that (obvious though it is) you can save energy and cash when they are young as you really will feel you need to do all that stuff for them when they are older!

IreneLady · 13/03/2023 09:13

Just do something a little treat for your child maybe it's feeding the ducks or a new little cuddly toy or a nice little cupcake with a candle for a birthday treat... they might like more time on the swing in the playgroup or something..idk... just focus on a nice little day for your child and take a few pics WITH YOU also there and visible! It's also a milestone for you with your child, a year ago gave birth and a year of looking after them! So do something nice for you, too be it a soak in the bath or whatever little affordable treat. I like getting myself flowers, only last a week but it cheers me up no end.. that or a nice new candle.

mondaytosunday · 13/03/2023 09:18

I think we had a couple kids from my post natal group and the neighbours kids and my friends' kids (so 6 or so other kids). When my daughter turned one. My son was three and half the kids were older siblings his age. They just ran around and then I gave them some food and cake. For his first I just had both sets of grandparents for lunch. I certainly wouldn't think of booking a hall or anything!

Swipe left for the next trending thread