To hate that my husband does this

[Hevviie]

My husband has a mad food habit (imo) that drives me crazy, but he thinks is absolutely fine. Basically whatever he eats he mashes all together with a fork until it's just a pile of mush. He insists that it's no different to eating the foods individually but to me it's just mad. Like I'll cook a whole roast with lovely crispy roast potatoes and he'll mash them to smithereens with everything else and it honestly makes my heart hurt. He thinks it's none of my business how he eats, maybe he's right. What do you think?

Why do you want to be seen as disgusting as this guy??? I don’t really want to vomit through the end of the Oscar’s but you didn’t mention mashing previously.

@Hellybelly84 it might be similar to wearing a bra. I loathe having to wear one and do all that I can to avoid it but I do. I CAN wear a bra, l CAN stay seated in a chair, I CAN stay quite. I can also hold off from going for a poo or farting. I want to relax at home though. I think you should be able to be yourself in a relationship. I'm unsure if it really disgusts her or if it perplexed and passes her off because she thinks it ruined.

You know what? If someone is in the audience at an opera and gets up and dances or sings along, they’re not going to last long in the theatre. They might be enjoying themself, but they ruin the experience for everyone else.
If someone grabs some crayolas and adds a few finishing touches to Van Gogh’s Sunflowers, they’ll be arrested.
I’m absolutely not going to compare my dinners to any major masterpieces, but I cook them and serve them the way they are intended to be eaten by people with working digestive systems. If an adult can’t respect that, and at least do me the honour of acknowledging the work I have put into the meal by tasting it as it was intended (instead of wolfing it down like a Labrador retriever eating a can of sloppy dog food) then I think THAT’S fucking rude.

Also, listening to my DH mmmphing and ssschlphing while he wolfs his dinner down IS like sharing a table with a Labrador retriever and then listening to him as he wipes his finger across the plate and then sucking his fingers loudly is even less appealing. I can’t fucking stand it.

Next meal you cook, stick it in the blender and serve it to him already mushed up. Say nothing. See what his reaction is.

It would give me the ick.

Do you still look forward to having sex with him @Hevviie- rhetorical question.

(I think that maybe you should have called yourself "Heavvie' for this thread OP!)

My husband used to put his knife with food on it, into his mouth. Luckily I was able to stop that easily, as I already have children from a previous relationship, so I was able to stop him because of the safety issue of putting a knife in his mouth.

His other horrible habit that I haven't been able to stop - because I just don't know how to tell him how horrible it is - is chewing his food with his mouth open - oh and putting too much on his fork in the first place, to which I have (I suppose passively aggresively) been prompted to say to him on occassions, that he is
"going to dislocate your jaw if you aren't careful!"
It means that whenever we are out with other people, I just cringe internally with embarrassment.

You say that your partner's behaviour isn't a divorcing issue, but you have pointed out to him that you really don't like this habit of his, and if it is bad enough to give you the ick, and to make you not want to have sex with him, then actually I think his total disregard for your feelings does make it worthy of divorcing him over...

Hopefully he has other far more redeeming characteristics, which mean you can actually put up with that horrible behaviour. But I think that I would have to tell him that his behaviour reminds me of a toddler, and if he thinks it is ok to behave like that, then you want him to eat in exactly the same way whenever you are eating away from home as well.

If that doesn't work, I think that I would give him one last chance, by asking him to cook the next roast dinner, and I would then proceed to mash up all of my food together, before eating it. I think my last suggestion could work in one of two ways:

1. It makes him realise that it really isn't sexy to sit there and do that

or

2. You find that you love eating your food like that, so now there is a further depth of understanding in your relationship 🤭

I wouldn't have gone past a first date with this, so I'm no help at all...

Neither would the OP, she said he has only been doing this for a couple of years

Thanks @Eyerollcentral - I skipped a bit obviously!

This may be the greatest quandary I’ve ever read on MN….

On the one hand: eww. I’ve no idea why but this just sounds grim and I’d find it hugely off-putting to eat around (but I’m pretty easy to gross out with food stuff: can’t cope with plate lickers/people who drink cereal milk etc).

On the other hand if this were MY food habits being critiqued (and pretty sure we all have closet food weirdness about something) my response would be fuck the fuckety fuck right off tae fook telling me how to eat!!!

My brain hurts.

One clarifying Q: is this just a plated dinner with a wetness quotient habit? Like, would he squish up a burger the same as a gravy based meal? Lasagne? How does a sandwich fare chez vous? A bowl of cheesy nachos? What about a fruit salad?

Specificity may help Team MN guide you and save this troubled relationship… 🤣

On the fence, splinters up arse...

I have food preferences and a lot of food hang ups, I like food moist, I can't stand gravy, I don't like runny stuff with big lumps in it... I could go on, it would be very boring.

So I do understand ... buuuuuuut...

I would be really pissed off if I made a lovely meal and then someone smashed it all up to mush to shovel down...

I think I would make meals he cannot do this to - sandwiches, burgers on buns with chips, crunchy tacos, pizza... OR, food that is already soft, soup, chilli, shepherds pie, fish pie...

Then see if after a couple of months of that (mm you'd need to be pretty dedicated to the cause here..) he had lost the habit without realising...

Or just feed him slurry from a trough.

We have the aforementioned postman pat hands plus other eating offences which never happened before marriage, he gets told off every time on grounds of modelling manners for small child, it's shit for our relationship.

I remember doing this with roast dinners as a comfort thing as a child, it really was very delicious. Not smushed like already chewed but cut and mixed, still with the crunch of the potatoes and lots of gravy. I didn’t do it all the time.

This is absolutely brilliant answer, and describes exactly how I felt when my now ExH used to do that.
He started mashing his food in the last 3 or so years of us being together, when our marriage was on downwards slope.
I used to put so much effort into cooking, and found it really upsetting not only that he would mash his own food, but started encouraging the rest of the family to do the same.
Awful, disrespectful petty spiteful behaviour.

I told him I was going to stop cooking for him if he didn't stop the horrid habit. He eventually stopped .
The marriage ended a year later.

I couldn’t sit at a table with him. That would give me a massive ick

Just chuck his whole meal in a Nutribullet next time and blitz. Then serve. See what he says.

I’d find that disrespectful and frankly, juvenile. Sure, he can eat how he wants, but I don’t have to like it, or want to have to have sex with the mashy twat.

@Hevviie because it’s going to be eaten and that’s the point? Admittedly this behaviour is a bit childish and uncouth. I wouldn’t eat out in a restaurant with someone who did this. In his own home he can eat how he likes I suppose, not harming anyone, just irritating!

None of your business, although I wouldn't want to eat at a restaurant with someone doing this.

He already appears to have one.

This sort of thing’s for old people & babies without teeth, unless people have reason like ED. Just hand him a pack of frozen mash & a tin of soup, & make him face the wall.

the only thing with me would be because of the child seeing it?
they take up an enormous amount of behaviours and beleifs surrounding food from the very youngest of ages. literally from when they can see.s whilst for him this is no biggie and a "just choice" thing. for a impressionable child just learning about food it might become quite disordored and confusing.
so i would ask him on these grounds.
but otherwsie you cant stop him.
giving him a food issue over a food issue wont help. it is just as easy to give a man a complex as a woman and i dont think we'd want to police a womans odd food habit. there is a reason he does it.guilting or shaming wont help him.
i actually no a supirsing amount of people who do this over my time on this earth,no idea why.

the only reason id want to help him is if it was ed related and in that case hes not doing it becasue he wants to but because hes being forced by his illness so it would be something painful for him to have to go through every day. and that requires support and compassion.
if he really is ok.and just likes it.then you have to let him.becasue he is right. there is a thing becasue you dont like it but should it really be a thing?

oh and major caveat of course if if youve drip fed and hes doing this as some big abusive disrespect thing.

Interesting that he doesn't do it in restaurants! Says a lot to me - says that he doesn't really think that it's "absolutely fine". If he thought that, his behaviour in restaurants would be the same.

"He insists that it's no different to eating the foods individually"
I don't think it is. Turning it in to mush on his plate, he's unlikely to chew it much (does he?). Chewing mixes saliva with your food, saliva contains enzymes that start the digestive process. Shovelling in mush and swallowing it with barely chewing interferes with that.

"He thinks it's none of my business how he eats, maybe he's right. What do you think?"
I think he's wrong, I think it is your business. I'd be revolted sitting across a table with him, and it would reduce my pleasure in sharing a meal.

I think I'd be taking my stick blender to his portion and serving him his mush in a bowl.

Ew my ex did this a lot. It was one of the many things that gave me the ick! Eventually I stopped cooking for him altogether, it felt like such a slap in the face, particularly as he had cooked for me only a few times very early on when we got together, then never again. It felt like such a waste of effort. He's either smush everything up like baby food, or douse everything in salt or ketchup before even tasting it.

I don’t agree that it is none of OPs business to be honest. She has to sit there and eat her own meal whilst he does this disgusting thing to his food. It would definitely put me off my own food and I don’t think that is fair. I would not eat with my husband if he did this.

I wouldn’t cook for him either.

To be honest its not something I would even notice.