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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picked niece over me

170 replies

sas90 · 12/03/2023 18:51

As the title says. We have been together for a few years and have 2 young children together. We have not had the best relationship obv due to having kids, pressures of working and everything being left to me. Anyway his niece who he gets on with and always texts her. Never like this with me. I asked tonight one of those stupid questions, if me and your niece was left on an island and you would only save one who would it be? And of course he said the niece. I think it hurt me more than I thought it would. My own fault for asking I suppose

OP posts:
bizzywiththefizzy · 12/03/2023 20:46

PartingGift · 12/03/2023 18:57

What a weird question to ask your partner!

Wholly agree with this poster , it's a sort of teenager question to ask .

fantasyhomesbythesea · 12/03/2023 20:48

Zanatdy · 12/03/2023 20:15

Why are people making inferences that there’s some incest going on because an uncle gets on really well with his niece? Maybe he was around a lot when she was growing up etc and he see’s her in a daughter like way. Either way it’s a bit much trying to suggest something sexual is going on. If the relationship is not great then I can see why the OP is a bit jealous over that. Maybe it was a silly question but no need for everyone to jump on her like this.

Because from the tone of OP's posts something seems a bit odd

Cocobutt · 12/03/2023 20:48

bizzywiththefizzy · 12/03/2023 20:46

Wholly agree with this poster , it's a sort of teenager question to ask .

Show quote history

Have you read her other replies?
They have the same tone.

sunglassesonthetable · 12/03/2023 20:48

You're getting a hard time on here OP and I'd be more than jealous, I'd be really upset.

You sound jealous of their relationship and I would be too if it was the father of my children and my partner.

It was a stupid question but hey, 🤷‍♀️, It's the kind of thing that gets said occasionally. Not that the po faced lot on here would ever admit it. They only say totally serious, rational things to their significant others. 🙄

And it's hard to laugh off because it's clearly hit a nerve with you and personally I think it's fine to be jealous and acknowledge that.

The whole thing probably goes a bit deeper than a silly question and maybe it's time to have a long hard look at the relationship and see what you both can do to improve things.

Eyerollcentral · 12/03/2023 20:50

LuluLehman · 12/03/2023 20:38

But wouldn’t a sensitive partner reassure his dh of his loyalty to her? She may be insecure for many reasons and be someone who just needs her partner’s support more at some times than others.

Show quote history

Wise up. It’s his niece. It’s his flesh and blood. She is jealous of essentially a younger sister. She clearly has issues. Her partner doesn’t have to pander to them. In fact it would be totally unhealthy to do so.

PhillySub · 12/03/2023 20:50

Don't ask questions if you are not going to like the answer.

TheNine · 12/03/2023 20:52

You do sound like you’re jealous of his blood relative, which is super creepy.

Thinking about weird teenage hypothetical questions though, you can’t beat the Vole question. Would you rather your partner had their head on the body of a Vole, or a Vole’s head on their body? 🤣 Vole head/man’s body for me definitely 🤣

sunglassesonthetable · 12/03/2023 20:53

Justforlaffs
So: you have two children with someone and have been in a relationship for a number of years.

And they say they would save their adult niece over you in a life or death situation.

So your partner, your life partner, who you are bringing up a family with together would effectively sacrifice the mother of his children and leave them motherless - to save his 29 yo niece?

And you are all perfectly cool with that and think that anyone who isn't is clearly just "jealous"?

Right-o.

I am done.

Totally agree.

JudgeRudy · 12/03/2023 20:54

mrsfennel · 12/03/2023 19:29

This would piss me off, your own partner choosing his Niece over you?

Can't believe the number of people saying they would be fine with this, just think about it, your Dh saying his Niece is more important to him than his wife/partner?

If your partner texts and makes more effort with his Niece than his own family, then you have a problem .

I would be talking to him about it and if he didn't change the relationship would be over.

I don't think anyone is saying is 'normal' for a family man to prioritise his adult niece over his partner, the mother of his children. What they're saying is its a bit of axstupid question to ask isn't it. It's provocative.
I'd expect in a normal healthy relationship he'd choose her however it's not a healthy relationship is it. He texting niece daily yet disengaging from family life. The way to address this isn't with childish Q. She got the answer she deserved.
OP also doesn't sound the most mature person. I suspect poor mental health and/or low self esteem. This one isn't gonna end well.

sunglassesonthetable · 12/03/2023 20:54

Don't ask questions if you are not going to like the answer.

Well there's a teenage reply.

steff13 · 12/03/2023 20:55

I'd save whichever person didn't ask me annoying hypothetical questions. 🤷‍♀️

Strawberrydelight78 · 12/03/2023 20:55

What an odd question to ask. You might as well have asked him who would he save out of you and one of your DC.

Mirabai · 12/03/2023 20:56

If your partner said that, when push comes to shove, he’d pick his sister over you then you’re not in a good relationship.

Add that to the line in the OP that dippy posters have missed - which says that their relationship is not good partly because “everything” is “left to her”. You’ve got an unequal relationship where the DP not pulling his weight and closer to his female relative than he is to his partner.

This is not a good relationship and all the posters gleefully kicking the OP for jealousy without reading her posts properly have completely missed the point.

Mirabai · 12/03/2023 20:58

What OP is really asking is - who do you value more - me or your relative. And she got her answer. He doesn’t value her in the relationship in terms of pulling his weight and he doesn’t value her as a companion either.

sunglassesonthetable · 12/03/2023 21:00

I don't think anyone is saying is 'normal' for a family man to prioritise his adult niece over his partner, the mother of his children.

Could have fooled me.

What they're saying is its a bit of axstupid question to ask isn't it. It's provocative.

Please step forward who hasn't asked a stupid question?
Yep thought so.
So what.

I'd expect in a normal healthy relationship he'd choose her however it's not a healthy relationship is it. He texting niece daily yet disengaging from family life. The way to address this isn't with childish Q. She got the answer she deserved.

"Deserved" Are you serious??
Overwhelmed with the empathy. God Alive you're all heart.

OP also doesn't sound the most mature person. I suspect poor mental health and/or low self esteem.

Well let's all pile in with the supercilious, pompous, replies then.

This one isn't gonna end well.

You got it.

Sobloodysoreandfedup · 12/03/2023 21:04

I would be more than upset, I would be devastated. OP I hope you are still reading the replies. So what if you asked the question - I can imagine if you felt insecure you probably needed to have some sort of reassurance due to the way he behaves.

You are the mum of his children and his partner of several years. It is unforgivable that he said that. I would not be hanging around. 💐

sunglassesonthetable · 12/03/2023 21:05

God help anyone asking ' a stupid ' question.

Fearnecuptea · 12/03/2023 21:07

MissLucyLiu · 12/03/2023 19:05

If I was a hdmi cable will you still love me?

why do people ask stupid questions like this

😂😂😂

oakleaffy · 12/03/2023 21:09

What a completely bizarre thing to have asked.
Hypothetical questions like this are just a waste of time, as hardly ever likely to take place.

Like ''If someone offered you a million pounds, would you sell your dog?''

Chances are no one would offer you a million pounds, and the dog is unlikely to go into a huff if the owner says ''Give me the money!''

Brunts12 · 12/03/2023 21:09

@JudgeRudy
I suspect poor mental health and/or low self esteem. This one isn't gonna end well.

Bloody hell, Freud entered the room 😂

oakleaffy · 12/03/2023 21:10

Brunts12 · 12/03/2023 21:09

@JudgeRudy
I suspect poor mental health and/or low self esteem. This one isn't gonna end well.

Bloody hell, Freud entered the room 😂

Is that Lucian with his Whippet?
If I offered £1,000,000 for his dog, would he take it?

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 12/03/2023 21:13

The relationship sounds shit and very one sided so the niece is irrelevant. He could've just as well picked a potato. Or lied and said you. The relationship is still shit and one sided. In fact, so shit he can't even be arsed to lie for the sake of keeping up appearances.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/03/2023 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sunglassesonthetable · 12/03/2023 21:14

*What a completely bizarre thing to have asked.
Hypothetical questions like this are just a waste of time, as hardly ever likely to take place.

Like ''If someone offered you a million pounds, would you sell your dog?''

Chances are no one would offer you a million pounds, and the dog is unlikely to go into a huff if the owner says ''Give me the mone*y!''

How bizarre to live in such a rational world.
Don't suppose you ever play Shag, Marry, Kill then?

Riri24 · 12/03/2023 21:15

My nieces are young teenagers but I love them like my own children. When they are 29 they will still be my nieces despite being adults. I think it's nice that he has a good relationship with her. I wouldn't take his answer seriously, it's not really a serious question or a realistic scenario. Maybe he was trying to wind you up as he thought the question was silly?

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