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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

377 replies

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:15

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 12/03/2023 18:16

@Orangepolentacake I haven't suggested that she should have had an abortion, at all, simply that they both chose to have these children, whether that panned out exactly as they planned it or not.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2023 18:19

GoodChat · 12/03/2023 18:16

@Orangepolentacake I haven't suggested that she should have had an abortion, at all, simply that they both chose to have these children, whether that panned out exactly as they planned it or not.

It still boils down to "well if you're going to moan about 4, you should have aborted them" because the only way to have not had 4 would be to abort the multiple pregnancy.

And as OP rightly said, if she was struggling with 1 or 2 it would be ooh he needs to step up!! but because they're a large family she should suck it up and he shouldn't have to cope alone 🙄🙄

BeatricePortinari · 12/03/2023 18:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BessMarvin · 12/03/2023 18:24

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

I have reported it too. To suggest that it's the same as deciding 4 separate times to have another child, ridiculous.

And am also baffled who on earth actually decides to write this sort of thing to someone who is quite understandably struggling.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2023 18:28

BessMarvin · 12/03/2023 18:24

I have reported it too. To suggest that it's the same as deciding 4 separate times to have another child, ridiculous.

And am also baffled who on earth actually decides to write this sort of thing to someone who is quite understandably struggling.

Show quote history

As a mother of twins, it doesn't surprise me. I've read it before on here (we'll you could have just got rid of one!!!) as well as people telling me to my face "Omg, I'd have killed myself if I had twins", "oh god, that would be total hell!", "I god. I couldn't imagine anything worse", etc.

I think some people think multiple parents somehow did something wrong to get multiples

GoodChat · 12/03/2023 18:28

@SleepingStandingUp I haven't suggested he shouldn't have to cope alone. I've said from the start that he should he have had 4 children if he couldn't cope alone.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 12/03/2023 18:30

So, as username suggests, I have some experience with multiples.

Presumably the elder two are singletons and the two littles are the twins, as you say it's 4 kids and two at school, so unless I'm being dim, it's not triplets.

Twins are a different ball game. Exceptional circumstance, but with no exceptional help from anywhere to recognise that.

I nearly lost my mind in the first few months with DTwins. If you said to a struggling mother with a newborn, "here have another one as well" most couldn't comprehend how you could even do that. But here you are, with just that, learning how every day. It makes every sense now that you didn't have time to shower. Bfeeding twins takes time that singleton parents don't get. Double bath. Double nappies. There aren't enough hours in the day. One wakes as the other has just fallen asleep. DH wasn't about for hardly any of their first year. I'm not sure how I got through it.

The good news is, it gets easier. That doesn't help you right now though. Have you contacted homestart? They will send someone round a few hours a week just so you can have an uninterrupted bath. Can they go to nursery for one morning? Just so you can breathe.

HikingforScenery · 12/03/2023 18:42

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2023 18:05

I was out 9 am - 11 pm to see a mate in another city yesterday. I see him like this twice a year. Two weekends away with friends (a 1 night and a 2 night). He has the same opportunity. 3 kids aged 7, 3 and 3 so def full time care req. I don't see why IF people want alone time it's so hard unless you work opposite shifts. If you don't want it, that'd equally acceptable

Show quote history

As you say, your break is outside the home. It’s so much easier for the parent who wants a break to be outside the home. I’m going away this weekend (fri-sun), for leisure.
DH will most likely be out of the house for full days with DC but he prefers doing it that way

inamarina · 12/03/2023 19:08

vivainsomnia · 12/03/2023 16:22

As always on so many similar threads, despite limited I formation, the majority of posters have concluded that OP's OH is useless, doesn't know how to look after his kids, has it easy at his job that is no more demanding than a hobby whilst OP life is no dissimilar to a slave's who has it obviously soooooo much harder than her OH.

No consideration as some who have experience lf such weeks away that it is actually demanding, stressful and quite tiring too. No consideration that as he git back yesterday, he too had no full day for himself to enjoy the house without any disturbances.

Why is it is always the same who has it so much worse? More importantly, why always comparing, and spending more e energy trying to convince anyone that they have it harder?

The reality in all likelihood is that with 4 young kids, it is very demanding for BOTH in their own way. So communicate, agree on how to manage the situation rather than demanding things because they are owed. You need to work as a team, not competitors.

Well said.

SkyandSurf · 12/03/2023 19:30

I don't know how this has spiraled into a family planing debate.

OP, I do t understand why you didn't wake yourself up this morning, remind DH you're off the clock until 4pm and take yourself off for a shower.

How did it get to 11am with two adults in the house without you having a shower if you've been waiting 8 days for one?

Why accept that you're making lunch? Tell him you're not, I imagine he knows where the kitchen is.

YANBU for needing a break but YABU for being so specific when there are five other people to consider and for not doing anything yourself to ensure you get what you need.

As others have said, you need to remove yourself.

And if you genuinely don't have time for a shower while your DH is away then I suggest you look into getting a baby sitter or helper in for a few hours a few nights a week while he's gone.

Cantstaystuckforever · 12/03/2023 19:32

@SleepingStandingUp It's only after his week work trips tho, where he gets plenty of down time, his meals cooked, his room cleaned, sleep through the night, trips planned etc. Whilst op is literally on every wake up, every early call, every meal, every tidy up. So he IS getting a break and she isn't.

It is honestly nothing like this on most work trips I've been on, across multiple companies. Often, it's meeting to meeting to meeting, to a heavy dinner with a bunch of people you don't particularly know or would normally choose to spend time with, to stay out late being social, to an early start, to repeat, until you take a long trip home with not enough sleep. Is it logistically easier than being home with 4? Sure. Is it more enjoyable? Not necessarily, especially when it's just 2 younger ones for m. Is it tiring? Absolutely.

I think it's totally reasonable that her DH has the kids solo for the day, but not that he has to take them all out.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 12/03/2023 19:40

I wouldn’t want to have to take my kids out all day…. and I only have 2!
I'm more than happy for DH to go out or to chill in our room or his mancave, but I don’t want my day dictated to me.

same goes for DH - he will have kids regularly while I go out but I’d never tell him to take the kids out all day. if I want a break I go out or go upstairs.

Norriscolesbag · 12/03/2023 19:55

Book into a spa hotel is your best option OP. It’s shit and you have my sympathies.

TheaBrandt · 12/03/2023 20:23

When I travelled with work it was much harder than being a sahm. I was broken when I got back. Went to a long awaited v expensive comedy gig the night I got back from one trip and literally fell asleep - next thing I knew was Dh waking me up to go home had missed the entire thing.

Dumpruntime · 12/03/2023 20:41

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 17:17

Thanks all. Really didnt want to drip feed information but..also didn't think id be criticised for simply having 4 children. It's 4 kids, not 19. And I didn't do that by myself, you know. And i manage very well with them actually...why is no one saying my dh shouldn't of had 4 kids, seeing as it's him that has an issue taking them out?! Why is it always the woman's fault. I don't want to put loads of personal details on here, but...twins and triplets do exist, you know?

I'd of said this in the op but like I said I didn't think people would be so judgemental over how many kids I have. So no we did not decide to have 4, but we have 4. Even if we DID decide to have 4 singular kids, there's really no need for the lack of empathy from some commenters. Hope you are all perfect parents to your 1 kid.

Why is it if I had 2 kids and came on here to say I'm overwhelmed and struggling that's fine, but if I have 4 kids I have to feel 100% positive about it 100% of the time otherwise its my own fault? That's it, kid number 4's here, you better be happy and smiling every second of your life from now on!

Re showering: this is really not the point of this post at all. Those dragging me for it...did you just skim my post for something to be unkind about?! No I'm not dirty, I do not "honk". Are you always such a bully?

I said I didn't shower. I DID wash, of course. Yes I brush my teeth!!! Christ alive. I have 4 young children I'm breastfeeding, they don't sleep, i have a nig house and cant hear them if im in the shower, I could of taken a 5 minute shower but I prioritised getting any sleep I could keep kids safe and clean and getting to school on time. The point is that I wanted a shower today. That was my point. (And I've had one now thanks).

Thank you to those of you who made helpful suggestions. I think I agree, I'm trying to control the situation too much, but yes i think i should be able to expect more of him. We will chat tonight. Thanks all.

Because he’s not in here giving it he’s responsible to feed clothe and house 6 people, about how his partner doesn’t work, about how he has to go away for work and gets penalised for it like it’s a jolly by his partner.

Mumsanetta · 12/03/2023 20:52

TheaBrandt · 12/03/2023 20:23

When I travelled with work it was much harder than being a sahm. I was broken when I got back. Went to a long awaited v expensive comedy gig the night I got back from one trip and literally fell asleep - next thing I knew was Dh waking me up to go home had missed the entire thing.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses).

It’s all in the OP. I would be amazed if this type of work trip away would leave a person broken or if it’s harder than looking after 4 young kids (including twins/triplets).

Mumsanetta · 12/03/2023 20:53

Dumpruntime · 12/03/2023 20:41

Because he’s not in here giving it he’s responsible to feed clothe and house 6 people, about how his partner doesn’t work, about how he has to go away for work and gets penalised for it like it’s a jolly by his partner.

Show quote history

Do you have young twins? The DH going away for a work trip that includes a fair amount of socialising absolutely is a jolly when compared with being the SAHP of 4 kids including twins or triplets.

februarysunset · 12/03/2023 20:57

Christ, this makes me angry. Taking them out for the day is the very least he could do. Sounds like he gets used to a life on leisure on these trips then it takes him a while to snap out of it.

Next time I would book tickets to something - the zoo, swimming, Peppa Pig World if you're feeling evil - that require a full day out leaving by 9am and tell him he is taking them without you. Don't give him an inch. You'll probably have to get all the bags ready the night before and line them up at the door but it's a small price to pay. Obviously you shouldn't have to do this but it sounds like the only way!

Cantstaystuckforever · 12/03/2023 21:30

Worth looking into for OP and others in the same situation - many companies have a childcare expense allowance when someone is away for 3/4 or more nights. Not a huge amount, but £40 or so could cover a local childminder to help with pickups or someone from Sitters/ Bubble to be a spare set of hands around bed time. As a single mum I've expensed these before but know that many of my male colleagues aren't aware it exists.

I'd also assume that if he's able to have enjoyable weekends for work, OP should the cash for a cleaner, ready meals and maybe some extra help even if it's not expensed. If it's not paying enough for this, then frankly I'd wonder if it's worth him having this job or finding one without time away.

Cantstaystuckforever · 12/03/2023 21:30

*weekends? Meant weeks away

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/03/2023 09:43

I still went to know the ages of these children and why if op struggled to shower for 8 days due to babies /toddlers bf /sleeping

How she would expect her dh to take all 4 out including those the children who are bf

So what happened @Sertralina in the end

Did you get some peace yesterday - did dh take all 4 out for a few hours

If not. What will be your plan of action for the next work trip

HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 13/03/2023 17:45

I totally get your need to recuperate after a week with 4 kids. However taking 4 young kids out for the day alone when you're not the primary parent sounds rather tricky... Why don't you go out and leave him with the kids. I know it's not the same, but you'll get a whole day and he won't be quite so overwhelmed having to entertain /wrangle them.

PeloMom · 13/03/2023 17:54

Yeah if I were you’d I’d make it a tradition to book myself a nice hotel/ spa or organise to go to your parents or friend(whatever works for you) for the day after he’s back and when he’s up that day, give him a good morning kiss and you take yourself out for the day. Funny enough my husband is coming back from a week long work trip today and can’t wait to spend time with DC. It’s spring break week here so he has the whole week planned out for kiddie time around his (very flexible) work schedule. You deserve better- make it happen!

Atsocta · 13/03/2023 17:59

Sounds horrendous & what a selfish man! I wouldn’t be treated like that …

cherish123 · 13/03/2023 18:02

It would be nice for him to take them out for a few hours but I don't think a whole day is necessary.

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