to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

[Sertralina]

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

How do you know he has plenty of down time. Other than OP, who isn't there, has decided he has. And correct, he isn't having to cook his own meal out of a hotel room with no cooking facilities. No one would expect him too.

Not sure of OP's situation. Other than claiming she takes all 4 children out, then revealing it's actually she takes them on a school run, and returns with only 2 of them, we don't know that she's not getting any sleep.

We do know that she sees his job as a "break" and hers as hard work. So it only seems fair if he's taking on her hard work on a Sunday, she should replicate his "break" and get a weekend job.

I'm quite happy with my life. I like my job, I like my children, I like my husband. I get me time/couple time when they go to bed. I only have two though, I might start to hate my life if I had 4 but ... that's why I didn't.

That was the first thing that came to my mind too, tbh.
It is a good thread to read for all the “I desperately want another one, but DH says no” posters.

Taking kids out for a full day is significantly harder than having them in all day

Next time book yourself into a hotel for the night. Leave him with the kids.

I’m sorry to seem judgmental that wasn’t my intention at all & I wasn’t trying to be smart or offend you, I just meant that’s such a small part to ask for, I’m sure you’re happy I just meant it’s not much to ask for..I probably worded it badly

I think if OP actually takes a step back, she is misdirecting her anger at DH because he works. It's not his job. It's that he has time on his own. But she's coming across as being resentful of his job, whereas if she voiced it differently, he might be more inclined to help, and they can work together on a solution.

OP, I'm assuming during the week, you have 2 children all the time, and 4 children outside of school hours. Whereas he has just himself to answer too, albeit many other stresses. His week involves other adults who don't need their food cutting up and bums changing. Your week is very much care providing, with no respite.

However, when it gets to the weekend, you're both equally knackered. So one of you, then looking after 4 children all day (something neither of you do during the week) is not fair.

Why don't you work together to try and put the younger two in nursery one day so you get a regular break that way. For all we know one gets the 15hrs already, as you won't reveal the ages.

You've said this twice now so obviously think you're very funny and making a fantastic point that of course no one would think / do this.

My dh works during the week. Often he looks after the kids while I work for some of the weekend and it is a lovely break for me.

Thanks all. Really didnt want to drip feed information but..also didn't think id be criticised for simply having 4 children. It's 4 kids, not 19. And I didn't do that by myself, you know. And i manage very well with them actually...why is no one saying my dh shouldn't of had 4 kids, seeing as it's him that has an issue taking them out?! Why is it always the woman's fault. I don't want to put loads of personal details on here, but...twins and triplets do exist, you know?

I'd of said this in the op but like I said I didn't think people would be so judgemental over how many kids I have. So no we did not decide to have 4, but we have 4. Even if we DID decide to have 4 singular kids, there's really no need for the lack of empathy from some commenters. Hope you are all perfect parents to your 1 kid.

Why is it if I had 2 kids and came on here to say I'm overwhelmed and struggling that's fine, but if I have 4 kids I have to feel 100% positive about it 100% of the time otherwise its my own fault? That's it, kid number 4's here, you better be happy and smiling every second of your life from now on!

Re showering: this is really not the point of this post at all. Those dragging me for it...did you just skim my post for something to be unkind about?! No I'm not dirty, I do not "honk". Are you always such a bully?

I said I didn't shower. I DID wash, of course. Yes I brush my teeth!!! Christ alive. I have 4 young children I'm breastfeeding, they don't sleep, i have a nig house and cant hear them if im in the shower, I could of taken a 5 minute shower but I prioritised getting any sleep I could keep kids safe and clean and getting to school on time. The point is that I wanted a shower today. That was my point. (And I've had one now thanks).

Thank you to those of you who made helpful suggestions. I think I agree, I'm trying to control the situation too much, but yes i think i should be able to expect more of him. We will chat tonight. Thanks all.

Hope you manage to get a (regular) break op.

I did think haven't you heard of triplets reading all those ridiculous "I can't imagine why people have 4 children..." comments.

I’m sorry that you feel criticised and judged by some of the responses on this thread(mine included), but aren’t you doing the same to your DH by judging his “work” and criticising his behaviour ?

I’ll be honest- I work full time Monday to Friday, occasionally travel for work and I would find it very frustrating if my DH asked me to leave the house today for many hours because he needs a break. It’s cold, indoor activities are expensive and to be fair it’s nice to get some Sunday rest in front of the tv before returning to work on Monday.

Perhaps you can both put some money aside for a cheap nice hotel for you to spend a day away in, but with the option to be warm and comfortable, take a bath and so on?

I think the crux of the matter is that he’s not nice. It’s not nice to let your partner get so exhausted and just ignore it. Do you want to stay with someone who is not nice enough to you?

I never understand why people suggest going to a hotel on
these threads. A really nice country house type hotel where it is pleasant to be in the lounge/bar/grounds are very expensive and a cheap hotel is not much fun. Who wants to sit in a Travelodge for the day?
checking in Sat night means having to check out Sun morning and then what?
And I hate Spas!

YANBU and I’d be raging. You don’t want to have a break outside the house… you want a shower and to chill out on the sofa. Totally reasonable. & the kids will love being out all day I’m sure… you’re carrying way to much of the load and it must be so hard. I think some people on this thread don’t have kids or multiple kids and it shows.

Well if you have multiples, then he needs to step up more. And yes, I do think he has the easier path. But I would let him plonk them in front of the TV or keep them at home.

Not everyone would feel emotionally able to abort a wanted, tried for pregnancy because it contains the wrong number of babies. I couldn't imagine having come out of the 12 week scan and declaring, right ill book an abortion for next week to get rid of these two and then we'll try again for a singleton, as much as we'd settled in two kids not three.

opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out... , usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.
I'm not sure if you think op is lying about this, but I consider this down time. He doesn't sound like he's working 18 hour days and scraping 6 hours sleep for a week. Even if he's finishing at 6 and starting at 8 that's 14 hours down time, if we assume they both sleep 8 hours that's 6 hours a day. Op is not getting that with 4 kids at home. Not a chance.

As someone who has travelled quite a bit for work it can be quite tiring (even if it is relaxing being away from parenting duties).

I think it's fair enough to ask DH to look after the kids for a Sunday so you can have the day off but I don't think it's fair to prescribe that DH needs to take them all out from 10 am to 4 pm when he's just come back from travelling and might need to go into the office again on Monday. So if you need time for yourself can you hide yourself away in the bathroom/bedroom and chill out. If not you might need to find a spa day or something equally relaxing outside the home.

If I were in DH shoes I would be happy to look after them but not happy to be on the road again for a whole day.

That would be me

An hour at the park is my limit at the moment due to the cold /wet weather

If it was hot /dry /sunny be a diff matter

I was out 9 am - 11 pm to see a mate in another city yesterday. I see him like this twice a year. Two weekends away with friends (a 1 night and a 2 night). He has the same opportunity. 3 kids aged 7, 3 and 3 so def full time care req. I don't see why IF people want alone time it's so hard unless you work opposite shifts. If you don't want it, that'd equally acceptable

Wow you’re way out of line. Telling the op she should have had an abortion, essentially. You’re nasty.

What age are your children @Sertralina

Are you saying you had 1 then triplets

Or 2 . Wanted a 3 and had twins

Yes it happens

The age of kids make a diff to what dh can do with them

If you are bf and don't have time for a shower , as they don't sleep

How do you expect dh to look after /feed them /nap

Assume old enough to survive all day without a breast feed but have bottles if need be

I cannot believe these vile responses.

You could have chosen to abort your babies.

To a women who has small children, is tired out asking for help on a parenting forum.

Vile. vile. vile.

OP I think you need a break but I think instaed of getting angry you need a better plan.
Today: he takes them out for a few hours while you shower and sleep. (too kate now though I guess?)

Next weekend: you discuss with him you want the whole day and discuss what he can do, make some suggestiosns and make sure he has a plan, and make sure you are clear: he needs to be up and out by 10am and not make before 4pm.

This is non negoatiable if he is to continue to go on business trips.

Sometimes you have to make the details of what you expect crystal clear and the consequences also clear.
If he has a plan he's more liekly to do it.