to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

[Sertralina]

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

People who keep suggesting you go out for the day really don’t get it and are totally missing the point! When you have young kids you don’t want to just go out for the day, firstly because you just want to catch up on sleep and relaxing in your own home, and secondly because you don’t want to worry about the house being a bombsite when you get back!

It’s ridiculous that he’s being so selfish and unhelpful- and even more ridiculous that people are judging you for having 4 kids- absolutely irrelevant to the issue!

As annoying as it is, if you want them out of the house, just get their outfits ready, pack the essentials for them (nappies, extra layers etc) and then lock your bedroom door until they leave! Even if ‘D’H just takes them all to his mums and they watch tv half the day and get fed by gran, doesn’t matter at least you get to relax in your own home and don’t worry about what he arranges for them. I used to ask my DH to do this every few weekends when my kids were small but passed the breastfeeding stage, it was the only thing that would help me relax and recharge

Your husband sounds like a bit of a knob, but you also being quite the martyr and that’s only going to make you miserable.

You can’t shower because your house is too big is ridiculous. Get a baby monitor, or take the little ones in with you while the older ones are at school.

Yes he should be looking after them so you get a break, but if you don’t respect yourself then you aren’t going to command it from anyone else either. Don’t ask him, TELL him. Don’t wait for him to volunteer to take over, take yourself off out.

He is being unreasonable and lazy. What you are asking just takes a little bit of planning and the DH being 100% up for it. That is all. He could get up, get the kids up while you sleep in or shower or whatever. He could feed them something and put together a picnic lunch and take them to the park. Or if it is bad weather, he could arrange to go spend some time with his family. I mean, he could have given the grandparents the same week notice. And it wouldn't be like he is asking them to watch the kids, just to be a place for them to come spend some time. He could take a bag of toys for them to play with.
I used to take my oldest 3 out to the park all the time and it was no problem for us to kill 4 hours or more out doing that alone, not to mention the driving time to get there. And I would time it so that we got there, had our picnic, then they played for a few hours. By that time, they would be hungry again, and so you get them in the car and go get some fast food or something. And then after that we would head to the store and get some basics for the week ahead.
It sounds like he didn't even try. Especially if he has family available to lean on.

The only thing I would say in the future is give more than a week's notice. As in, go to him now and tell him that every time he takes off for a week or more and leaves you with the kids, you are also going to need a day off when he gets back. And even if he doesn't go on a trip for a while, he still needs to do it once in a while. He needs to spend time with his children that doesn't involve you being the referee and ringleader.
I don't know what your reasons are for needing to be in the house and not taking off for the day. I have my own, and guess that some of them may be similar. And I also know that just because I may want that first day alone at home, doesn't mean I wouldn't want to go out the next one. I also know why you can't just let them be in the house with him being the caregiver. Because we all know that is not what would happen.
I don't know if this would be something you would like or could afford, but maybe you could get a hotel room once in a while instead of him taking all the kids out, especially if a park or grandparents house is not an option at times. You could then be in a comfortable place that is somewhat private and with no kids.

You don't say how old the 4 children are. If they are school age, they will be out of the house from 8.45 to 3.30 approx at school so you are not necessarily having them all day when husband away. Travelling plus work commitments are actually very tiring! Been there, done it many times. Take yourself out of the house, do not expect husband to deal with 4 out of the home. How do you expect 4 children of various ages to be entertained for 4-6hrs without a meltdown plus being very expensive.

Oh for fucks sake hahaha

I am so confused by all the people suggesting "go to a spa" and how they would not expect tired DH to look after the kids for a day, even though I doubt many would bat an eyelid at a woman doing it.
OP has said there are relatives nearby where he could take them and even get them fed, they don't have to spend the day at softplay.
It is concerning how little is expected of men in terms of childcare, and I have to include myself in that to some extent when my kids were a bit younger. All too often I was suggesting things DH could do with the kids instead of leaving him to come up with ideas himself.

And even if a couple of them are at school for some of the day, you're never really off duty, there's always something to be thinking about and remembering to do.
Presumably this did not work out this time, but next time he's away, make sure you do get your day - you can always return the favour for him another weekend if he needs a day at home occasionally as well.

Louder at the back for everyone who missed it:

She has baby twins

Unless you also have/had baby twins, you don't get it. And no, your "two really close in age" are nothing like it. Nothing.

This isn't about getting a day out without the kids. This is about never, ever getting a moment to yourself. Because one will sleep as the other feeds. Then the sleeping one will wake wanting a nappy. But the feeding one isn't done. And you don't sleep because one or the other is awake and needing tending too. A bath? Unlikely. You barely eat. It's not forever, which is how you get through it, but in those early months, you need to be a woman of steel.

I was all for, "stop it OP, you've got 2 kids at home and 2 at school". Then read it was twins. You don't even need the 2 at school for baby twins to suck every last iota out of you. They are pinch yourself awesome, and fucking terrible in equal measure at this age. This requires more than a few stolen moments at the weekends. And honestly, someone who is not used to looking after twins, even if it is their father, will struggle with them on their own. My own DM has not had our twins on her own, once.

OP and DH need to find a way for them to do perhaps one morning at nursery. And another morning with a homestart helper.

You can swear here, we're all grown ups

No Really, I think she deserves a weeks break

A week? Why?

I think a weekend away with a girlfriend is in order. Friday after lunch to Sunday afternoon. I certainly don't think his reluctant agreement is acceptable, after all, 10-1 he'll spend .most of the park time on his phone.
You've had no down time so I would insist that at least a couple of times a year, you get a weekend away either with family, friends or on your own.
He must not leave piles of washing or a dirty kitchen or bathroom. He has to do all the stuff you'd do if you were there.
If I came home to a tip, that would be the relationship on the edge. He's not playing fair and unless you put some rules in place then he'll carry on being a CF.

I have three children and I find it difficult taking them all out for the day by myself. Some people do and some people don't. My husband is more than happy for me to go have my own time whenever I like, but he usually takes care of them at home as he finds that easier. Occasionally he will take them to his mum's where he has family to help him look after our 14 month old and help entertain the older two as well.

Your partner clearly does not find taking them out easy, so I would be leaving him at home with them and going out. Yes you would prefer to have them go out, but sit down with him and come up with a compromise.

With regards to showering, what stops you from saying "I'm off to shower, watch the kids please?". Also, when I'm on my own with the kids I will still shower when I need to. I put the little ones in their bumbo seats and take them into the bathroom with me. The older child will wander in and out which is fine. Try to find different ways of doing things if you can.

You need to train him , 🤣
they will be fine exit stage left for the day
in a couple of weeks do the same
training right

You’ve just proved my point!!

Next Sunday leave the house at 7am and get back at 7pm or later. Do not prep meals or snacks. Go out for breakfast, have a spa treatment, and then ask a friend if you could hang out at theirs or book a motel room or similar.

you’re not being unreasonable, I’d be hopping mad.

You go out next time and leave him at home with them! Ideally plan/book something for yourself that’s really child un-friendly so he can’t wangle his way into having you take them with you.

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job and no you shouldn’t be criticised for having 4, YANBU to expect DH to take them out that way you can have a few hours of not being responsible for 4 other humans just like he has every time he leaves the house (not just that week away)!

am feeling this.

fallout. I hear you OP, and what is said here!
This is tough - I can sort of relate. Not the fancy work breaks for DH - but we have five kids and I am a full time SAHM and I home educate too. DH works long hours and hard and I appreciate that - the agreement has always been that this is my work and that is his work. he acknowledges, after many years, how hard I work and that he couldn’t do it. So far so good. But - yeah. He would struggle to cope with all five and has never been alone with all five.
If I pop out on a walk with the two eldest, say, on his day off - and the baby is asleep and the middle two doing colouring or something - I’ll return a half hour later and he will be mildly stressed and well ready to “hand them over”….. though for further context, our eldest has severe neurodiverse and mental health special needs, and after years of dealing with it we now tag team with her - and he has his role doing that during the evenings until he goes to bed and I step in again. So that makes the situation a bit more unique.
In our case at this point now, I have kinda made peace with all this. I do not have any expectation of a break as we are also fairly unsupported. I know the fallout if I insisted on a break would mean my work would be doubled on return and it would not be worth it, for me. Also I know how full
on it is to deal with DD1 every night after he has worked already. I think proper communication is key - I have historically been crap at asking for help or stating what I need or believing my needs are valid. I have actually learnt a lot and now we have a kind of practical understanding of what works in our family - but please don’t fall into a trap of being resentful or bitter instead of really letting DH know how and what you are feeling.

i have zero resentment as we have been through a lot and found what works. an arrangement that works for us - for better or worse I am indispensable between all
the kids and the special needs and so on. However, I do periodically point out I need time to wash (I often go weeks sans shower), or I need to be appreciated, or whatever. My breaks might look like no housework getting done today….. OP - you deserve that time out, FOR SURE, however - most critically you need to be so so clear with DH - “I am feeling resentful and I need a proper break or I cannot function holding this family together as I usually do. Take the kids out and give me some space - I’m telling you what I need and we can talk about it more after if YOU need. I love you all but I need you out of my hair, and I need you to appreciate that. Now. You’ve had a break, I need one.” Kinda thing. I know some people will disagree, but I have found that men usually really need it spelling out. They don’t second guess us well, even when we think they should. I know you had an arrangement -
but drive it home for future reference.
sorry that ended up rambly, just wanted to contextualise the communication point.

I don’t think you understand how much OP would not enjoy that - she’d be so worried about her kids because of the unpreparedness and friction. At least, I would feel that way - people often tell me to force a break for myself (SAHM of five, four under 8), without understanding how our family works or that this sort of militancy could really impact the kids negatively.

Help get the kids ready while he's in the shower.
Ask them where they'd like Dad to take them for lunch.
Help put the kids in the car while he's puting on his shoes.
They'll all be out for lunch.
Tell DH a return time. Pronto.

The stalling is a tactic.

Y@LadyJ2023 just popping in to say you and your DH sound like you have a fab marriage.
Well done to both of you for being considerate of the others needs

He sounds like a selfish prick. He gets all those luxury breaks compared with the drudgery you’re left with. He needs to be told in words of one syllable about the gulf in your lifestyles and how unfair it is to you.
I was in a comparable situation years ago. DH off ‘touring’ for weeks at a time while I was at home with 2 children, working F/T and only just enough money to get by. I left him. He was shocked. He didn’t understand. Eye roll…

You could leave him. Then you get EOW with the house completely to yourself! Bonus

This makes me so utterly fucking livid for you @Sertralina. Not just your DH’s deliberate hopelessness (So that he doesn’t have to parent his own little wildebeests), but the level of fucking internalized misogyny here is beyond belief. Women turning on another who is exhausted and simply asking why the father of her kids won’t simply do as he’s asked (and promised to do) so she can have the day to herself?
YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.
He can make lunches
He can buy lunches
He can take the kids to grandparents
He can take them to soft play
He can take them to movies
He can….
BUT HE DOESN’T WANT TO. HE WANTS TO STAY AT HOME.