Friend told me she can't come to my wedding party anymore

[boundariesbetweenfriends]

I have been legally married to my husband for a few years, but we never got to throw the actual party because it had been postponed several times due to Covid. It's planned for later this year.

One of my best friends, who has been on a spiritual journey for the past two years, called me this week to tell me that she doesn't know whether she can attend and be happy for me (reason: because she knows about my marital problems).

Seeing me at the party with my husband would trigger her - something about me not setting boundaries and how she dealt with that problem for her whole life.

She used to have a promising career and a good job but has spent most of the past few years attending spiritual workshops and has been on a journey to find herself. She now wants to become a healer. Also, she is dealing with some issues with her parents.

I now feel that I can't tell friends anything anymore because it will backfire. I guess it's always better to speak to a therapist who will keep everything confidential.

She ruined the safe space I thought we had between us.
I used to tell her everything.

AIBU to think that friends should be able to separate their own issues from mine?

Thoughts?

I don't understand how all the information about her spiritual journey is relevant. Unless you're trying to suggest that it renders her opinion invalid?
When I was in an abusive relationship, I pushed away anyone that tried to make me see it. I'm not saying that you are at all but something has obviously concerned her.

I think going to a silver anniversary party, twenty odd years later is really quite different to attending a “wedding party” when there are current marital problems.

Feeling lonely, unsupported, stressed, who does what, things changing a lot for me but felt that nothing changed for him, financial stress, different ways of parenting. But it's been slowly getting better as we find a way that works, albeit far from perfect and I'm still resentful at times.

If this is genuinely all it is then I think she's being ridiculous. You should be able to vent frustrations to friends.

If you've included in those conversations that there has been name calling/gas lighting etc then of course she has a point and may just straight up hate your husband!

Context is everything, here!

Not really sure what the point is of having a wedding party?
Seems wasteful when you're already having financial stress.

Are you seeking some public validation telling you that you've made the right decision marrying and having DC with him when in reality you have doubts?

I hope if I have a 'friend' who feels this way about me, they will tell me.

I could then create my own boundaries accordingly. They'd be impenetrable.

You told her you had marital problems. She said she is not sure she can come to your “wedding party” because she knows you have marital problems. How is that her spinning stories and mixing her life up with yours?

@boundariesbetweenfriends I follow someone on IG, have followed her since she had a blog in early 00's, who is on marriage 4. She writes posts and does reel after reel about how all they need is each other, that true love is like this and that her only sadness is that they took so long to find each other. Recently they were reaching out to their followers saying they'd like to adopt and if anyone knows of anyone who is pregnant and unable to parent, to get in touch. I always had my suspicions things weren't great, despite the downright smug posts, renewing vows and love, 3rd honeymoon etc and they were about to have a huge party to celebrate their marriage too.

Came out that they'd had problems, big ones and this was her attempt at saving the relationship. They now have no contact and yet again she's saying she is looking for love as her 4 year old is asking for a new Daddy. He's on Daddy 3 btw.

To me it seemed so disingenuous, almost like a fraud of sorts. Something that is hurting her of course, but much more so desperately hurting her children which she has from all three past relationships, several with each one. Instead of the celebration they should have spent that time and focus on their relationship so that they and the children didn't have yet more loss.

You aren't this woman, but, I wonder if this gives a bit of insight into why your friend may find it hard. I wonder if deep down she worries for you? I can't imagine what this iG's family and friends must think when they witnessed all these very public proclamations of love and how they must worry for her/the dc.

If it were me I'd do some reflection. Are her points valid? What will this party do that isn't already in your relationship? Are the things you are struggling with things most marriages can survive and part of being with another person who isn't a carbon copy of you? Or are they deeper, things that may easily not stand the test of time or require one person to sacrifice too much or experience too much pain. Only you can answer these.

Good luck!

Are we all going to carry on talking amongst ourselves while we wait for the OP to come back?

I too wondered that, but chose not to say it. In my mind this 'party' years later is an attempt to paper over cracks in a relationship. It's a distraction for the OP. It keeps her mind occupied and off the state of her marriage. Problem is, the party is over in a day..... then what? You have to face reality eventually. Like as you said people that choose to have a baby when they have problems in their marriage. It's like some sort of distraction, something to look forward to, a way to pretend problems aren't there and hope they go away. It's just papering over it temporarily and that was my thought what this party was. Almost like trying too hard/protesting too much. You see people going overboard on social media, too, about how 'happee, happee, happeeee' they are in their marriage, how 'blessed' etc. It's just wallpapering over the problems and just stalling addressing the problems.

She's not coming back. She's had half her posts removed.

I'm sorry, but to me I would side with your friend, yabu.
Therapist exist for a reason. They offer a much needed outlet with boundaries already put in place.
No matter how dear a friend is, if its a friendship of love and respect boundaries are essential.
Also (I'm guessing) if you vented to her, which mostly means talking of the worst/ annoying parts of a relationship but none of the positives all she may know of ur relationship is the extreme annoyances or grievances you have, issues that you are clearing choosing to accept or move past as your wanting to celebrate your marriage

Also u talk of her having a good job, then walking away to find herself and now focuses on her spiritual health- this does not sound like someone who can fully support her own issues( which is why she's looking to find support) it's not OK to put your issues on her too.
That (without knowing anything more of the issue than ur op) borders on user behaviour and not friendship.

Are you hoping a big party will solve your marital issues?