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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend told me she can't come to my wedding party anymore

138 replies

boundariesbetweenfriends · 12/03/2023 10:32

I have been legally married to my husband for a few years, but we never got to throw the actual party because it had been postponed several times due to Covid. It's planned for later this year.

One of my best friends, who has been on a spiritual journey for the past two years, called me this week to tell me that she doesn't know whether she can attend and be happy for me (reason: because she knows about my marital problems).

Seeing me at the party with my husband would trigger her - something about me not setting boundaries and how she dealt with that problem for her whole life.

She used to have a promising career and a good job but has spent most of the past few years attending spiritual workshops and has been on a journey to find herself. She now wants to become a healer. Also, she is dealing with some issues with her parents.

I now feel that I can't tell friends anything anymore because it will backfire. I guess it's always better to speak to a therapist who will keep everything confidential.

She ruined the safe space I thought we had between us.
I used to tell her everything.

AIBU to think that friends should be able to separate their own issues from mine?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 12/03/2023 10:58

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 12/03/2023 10:35

7 paragraphs about your friend, but hidden away in parenthesis you write:
(reason: because she knows about my marital problems).

What do you mean - marital problems?
Could she have a point?
Is this party a sticking plaster for problems you are hoping will disappear?

This. All the details on her spirituality etc isn't really relevant. She does t feel comfortable with a party celebrating a marriage she knows is in trouble. Sounds fair

Womencanlift · 12/03/2023 10:59

I am with your friend and I am not a spiritual journey person

Nothing worse than a friend constantly telling you about their problems, you giving advice and then they go back and the cycle continues.

Throw a wedding into that and I would be thinking that I am out as well

EmmaDilemma5 · 12/03/2023 10:59

Your safe space?

Of course you can't tell someone everything then expect them to act like they forget it all. That's not how life works. By all means, open up to someone, but then you need to realise that it has consequences.

I get the feeling your husband hasn't treated you well - and she knows it. So really, why are you celebrating your marriage? What's there to celebrate?

And then expecting your friend to just go along with the cherade?

I think you need to see the real priorities in life. If your marriage isn't healthy, then save the money in case you need it to get out and be independent. Or spend it on a counsellor.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/03/2023 11:00

Narrow escape.

Doggydooda · 12/03/2023 11:00

Sorry you are having marriage problem but I do actually agree with your friend.
Has she been supportive?

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 12/03/2023 11:02

It depends on your marital issues. I think I am with your friend on this one - if she is aware of your marital issues and you keep complaining to her, maybe she feels it's weird to attend a celebration of your marriage.

At least she is honest with you.

sqirrelfriends · 12/03/2023 11:02

Depends on the marital problems. She could be genuine or making it all about her.

MegaClutterSlut · 12/03/2023 11:04

As others have said, it really does depends on the marriage problems whether she's being unreasonable or not

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/03/2023 11:04

Has your husband been abusive?

She is being honest and setting boundaries. Sounds like a good friend.

Having a party years after the marriage when its been in trouble is bizarre.

BarrelOfOtters · 12/03/2023 11:05

my dh, I and another close friend chose not to go to a wedding where we knew the groom, our friend, was cheating on the bride. It being some distance away meant we didn’t tell him the real reason. It would have been braver of us to tell him, but we didn’t and a long friendship faded.

you could choose to value a friend who was brave and told you the real reason.

unless it jus has been you whingeing that he leaves his pants on the bedroom floor….

Merryoldgoat · 12/03/2023 11:06

Like PP said, depends on the issues.

If you’re celebrating a marriage with a cheat/abuser/waster/criminal etc then no, I probably wouldn’t want to attend either.

buckeejit · 12/03/2023 11:07

Speak to a counsellor before your marriage party & talk out the issues. Sounds like she's trying to look out for you & be honest

CrumpetsandJammmm · 12/03/2023 11:07

She sounds quite sensible. It’s a big ask, asking someone who you have shared all your “marital problems” with, to paste on a smile and pretend she’s really happy for you when she probably knows the truth.

dworky · 12/03/2023 11:07

Depends what the marital problems are as I have been in a similar position when I chose not to go to a friends anniversary.

Her husband is an abuser & while I would never withdraw my support, I couldn't attend a party where everyone's celebrating their 7yrs of happy marriage while I know he regularly knocks her to the ground & then kicks her.

LouandNala · 12/03/2023 11:08

My initial response is I think you're both self-absorbed and in victim modes inappropriately using therapy-speak that you would both benefit from getting out of.

But if your relationship with your DH is that bad, that's the issue. Not anyone else.

bucketloadofcats · 12/03/2023 11:08

Merryoldgoat · 12/03/2023 11:06

Like PP said, depends on the issues.

If you’re celebrating a marriage with a cheat/abuser/waster/criminal etc then no, I probably wouldn’t want to attend either.

Absolutely. If I knew my friend was having a couple of fights with her husband over nonsense, it wouldn't make me not go. I knew he was beating her up, I couldn't celebrate that. You can't stop your friends making bad choices, but you can refuse to watch them happen.

TrashyPanda · 12/03/2023 11:10

CrumpetsandJammmm · 12/03/2023 11:07

She sounds quite sensible. It’s a big ask, asking someone who you have shared all your “marital problems” with, to paste on a smile and pretend she’s really happy for you when she probably knows the truth.

Agree

Sceptre86 · 12/03/2023 11:13

I think wasting money on a wedding party is daft if you are having marital problems. If you'd moaned to me about your dh and them wanted me to come and celebrate your love I'd probably decline too. Some people are great at putting their own thoughts and feelings aside and attending anyway for the sake of a friendship but others (myself included) think life is too short.

TedMullins · 12/03/2023 11:15

Like others have said it totally depends on what the marital problems are. If they’re serious then I think she’s right. The spiritual stuff is a red herring although it does make her sound pompous.

PeekAtYou · 12/03/2023 11:16

If the marital problems are things like abuse, infidelity or addiction then most people wouldn't want to attend. Imagine having to make a speech or make small talk about what a great couple you are with others who don't know the truth. Plus there's the cost of attending an event that is a sham.

The spiritual stuff is irrelevant.

Hadjab · 12/03/2023 11:17

I’m interested as to how a lot of posters have managed to decide the OP’s marriage is “on the rocks,” because she used the phrase “marital problems.” Marital problems can be anything from leaving the toilet seat up and not cleaning up after himself to domestic violence. How you budding Miss Marples have decided which end of the scale it is, is baffling to me.

Djmaggie · 12/03/2023 11:18

It really doesn’t matter what the marital issues are. As your friend she should support you regardless of what is going in in your marriage. That’s what friends do.

neitherofthem · 12/03/2023 11:19

She's making it all about her feelz isn't she?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/03/2023 11:20

I think she's being a bit rude. I've attended two weddings where I knew the couple concerned had what I would consider a horrible relationship - fights, jealousy, in one case gambling. I did feel like a hypocrite sitting in the church, especially the wedding where I knew the groom had basically been bribed to the alter. But they are adults and can make their own choices - both couples are still married many years later.

Axahooxa · 12/03/2023 11:20

ALL marriages have problems. Without knowing the circumstances, we can’t really have any stance on this.

It sounds like this is much more about what your friend feels fits with her current path and allows her to live with integrity- I think it’s really hard in this instance, but you need to respect that.

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