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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend told me she can't come to my wedding party anymore

138 replies

boundariesbetweenfriends · 12/03/2023 10:32

I have been legally married to my husband for a few years, but we never got to throw the actual party because it had been postponed several times due to Covid. It's planned for later this year.

One of my best friends, who has been on a spiritual journey for the past two years, called me this week to tell me that she doesn't know whether she can attend and be happy for me (reason: because she knows about my marital problems).

Seeing me at the party with my husband would trigger her - something about me not setting boundaries and how she dealt with that problem for her whole life.

She used to have a promising career and a good job but has spent most of the past few years attending spiritual workshops and has been on a journey to find herself. She now wants to become a healer. Also, she is dealing with some issues with her parents.

I now feel that I can't tell friends anything anymore because it will backfire. I guess it's always better to speak to a therapist who will keep everything confidential.

She ruined the safe space I thought we had between us.
I used to tell her everything.

AIBU to think that friends should be able to separate their own issues from mine?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
jigsaw234 · 12/03/2023 10:33

Why are you having a oarty to celebrate a marriage that is in trouble?

dumpbag · 12/03/2023 10:34

How big are your marital problems?

drpet49 · 12/03/2023 10:35

YANBU she sounds like far too much hard work. Leave her be.

Swannning · 12/03/2023 10:35

Let me get this right...you're having a marriage celebration for a marriage that is on the rocks? Why would you want to do that? I can see that you're friends feels it might be hypocritical

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 12/03/2023 10:35

7 paragraphs about your friend, but hidden away in parenthesis you write:
(reason: because she knows about my marital problems).

What do you mean - marital problems?
Could she have a point?
Is this party a sticking plaster for problems you are hoping will disappear?

nurseynursery · 12/03/2023 10:36

I think she's being a bit ridiculous personally but also think you're stupid celebrating a marriage on the rocks.

WandaWonder · 12/03/2023 10:36

I think you both equally have issues

Testina · 12/03/2023 10:36

“She ruined the safe space I thought we had between us.”

You sound like a “spiritual journey” type yourself!

I think this hinges on whether your husband is great and you’ve just had the occasional episode of letting off steam over something minor, or whether he’s a total arsehole that you constantly complain about.

My friend married someone fucking horrible during Covid. I was really glad it meant they cancelled the party because I honestly would have found it so hard to congratulate her. He’s a really nasty piece of work, who had already given her a few bruises. I will love her always, but celebrating their wedding? Hard.

takealettermsjones · 12/03/2023 10:36

It depends how big your marital problems are tbh - if it's day-to-day bickering I would consider that part and parcel of married life. If one of you is abusive/adulterous etc then I probably wouldn't go either.

Mortimercat · 12/03/2023 10:37

I think a wedding party a few years after the wedding is pretty ridiculous to be honest. Even more so when the marriage is on the rocks. I haven’t been on a a spiritual journey to find myself, but I think even I would have to turn that invitation down and tell you why.

viques · 12/03/2023 10:37

Good for your friend. Sometimes you need to look in the mirror that someone else is holding up for you. It can’t be easy to watch a friend in a difficult relationship, and even harder to say no, I don’t want to celebrate this failing relationship with a lie.

Mouthfulofquiz · 12/03/2023 10:39

Totally depends on what sort of problems you’re having. If you were prone as a couple to having big screaming rows and / or abusive behaviour then I wouldn’t be celebrating that I’m afraid.

RedHelenB · 12/03/2023 10:39

Tell her how you feel

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 10:41

She doesn't have to come and celebrate your marriage if she feels uncomfortable - even if she is your best friend.

What kind of marital problems are you having?

rothbury · 12/03/2023 10:41

From what you’ve said here, I wouldn’t attend your “wedding party” either, and I am definitely not on a spiritual journey.

It sounds like your friend has boundaries and cannot cope with the hypocrisy of attending this event when she knows your marriage is unhappy/difficult/whatever.

AmyandPhilipfan · 12/03/2023 10:42

Well all the 'finding herself' would have me rolling my eyes, but at the same time if you had told me things about your marriage that made me think you and your partner shouldn't be married then I'm not sure I could go to a party to celebrate your relationship either.

ArtixLynx · 12/03/2023 10:42

yabu.
i wouldn't want to 'celebrate' my best friends marriage when there are 'marital problems' either.

Good on her for setting and holding a boundary. Maybe you ought to do the same.

Why on EARTH would you want to celebrate a marriage that has problems?

LuAb76 · 12/03/2023 10:43

I’d be questioning why my friend is a) having a wedding party years after the marriage (seriously self indulgent) b) expecting me to want to celebrate a marriage with problems
she was honest with you which makes her a good friend indeed

TheWitchCirce · 12/03/2023 10:44

I had a similar experience and I didn't want to celebrate a marriage when it was known that one of the couple were cheating. I think you have focused on the wrong thing, her spiritual journey.

Devilsadvocaat0 · 12/03/2023 10:44

Good for her for being true to herself. Spiritual journey aside, maybe she finds it difficult to stand by and applaud/celebrate a marriage she knows is in trouble? Presumably she would be expected to contribute a gift/pay for drinks/travel as well? I wouldn’t want to do that for a marriage I knew was in difficulty.

EmmaEmerald · 12/03/2023 10:50

There's a whole bunch of stuff here that might not be connected

Example - mum has a friend who joined a religious order and very rarely leaves the premises. But she did attend my parents' anniversary party. It's quite a long way as well.

Ultimately, she has reasons for not wanting to come and either you're okay with that or you're not. It feels like the spiritual bit isn't linked, from what you've said.

gogohmm · 12/03/2023 10:53

Devil is in the detail here. What marital problems and should you even be celebrating your past marriage or using the money to pay for a dive!

Thoughtful2355 · 12/03/2023 10:54

sorry but im on her side, shes doing what makes her happy. your wasting peoples time by having a celebration for a shit marriage. dont involve everyone in your problems, celebrate yourself.

Lampan · 12/03/2023 10:55

I agree more detail needed. But based on what you’ve said, I can see her point. I felt uncomfortable a few years ago when asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend marrying a guy who she’d told me had anger issues.

CornedBeef451 · 12/03/2023 10:58

If you have marital issues then save the party money and invest in couples counselling or a divorce.

She sounds a bit annoying but she has a point, you can't expect her to celebrate your marriage if you've told her every single thing wrong with it!

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