Friend told me she can't come to my wedding party anymore

[boundariesbetweenfriends]

I have been legally married to my husband for a few years, but we never got to throw the actual party because it had been postponed several times due to Covid. It's planned for later this year.

One of my best friends, who has been on a spiritual journey for the past two years, called me this week to tell me that she doesn't know whether she can attend and be happy for me (reason: because she knows about my marital problems).

Seeing me at the party with my husband would trigger her - something about me not setting boundaries and how she dealt with that problem for her whole life.

She used to have a promising career and a good job but has spent most of the past few years attending spiritual workshops and has been on a journey to find herself. She now wants to become a healer. Also, she is dealing with some issues with her parents.

I now feel that I can't tell friends anything anymore because it will backfire. I guess it's always better to speak to a therapist who will keep everything confidential.

She ruined the safe space I thought we had between us.
I used to tell her everything.

AIBU to think that friends should be able to separate their own issues from mine?

Thoughts?

@ItsShiela OP’s question wasn’t ‘shall I have a party?’ You’ve already called her ridiculous and immature further up the thread so you really have had your (unpleasant) say, albeit about an issue that wasn’t raised.

Yeah easier to fake it without people there who know it's just a mask

From your update it's shit of her and she isn't being a friend. It's rare that having a first baby doesn't throw up issues and we should be able to talk to our friends. Setting boundaries is easier said than done with a newborn to care for and birth to heal from. She's making it all about her. I've found that a lot of this type of 'journey' makes people hyper focused and quite self involved. RL just doesn't work like that.

@boundariesbetweenfriends surely as a spiritual person she would be helping her friend with the martial issues?

Couples have issues and get over them. It doesn't mean that anything is faked. It's up to us what we decide isn't worth splitting over.

Surprised to read these replies when the stock answer to any 'marital problems' on here is 'ltb, ducks in a row, etc.'

Other posters have also said it is ridiculous to have the party, have commented on it, too. So why are you only jumping on me, when my assessment of the party, and of her, is in the majority? Please do bore off.

YABU in my opinion. I have experienced this from the other side. I have a friend who has a history of staying in toxic relationships. She leans on me sooo much when she in feeling unhappy/ hurt, and then just expects me to happily watch her making the same self destructive choices over and over again. One minute I have to participate in her fantasy that she is happy, the next I have to spend hours counselling her through her pain. It takes its toll emotionally, and breeds resentment , and a feeling that the honesty and trust only goes one way. Your friend has respected and matched your honesty by also sharing hers.

I just always thought that every marriage has its problems, good times and bad times.

I don’t think so. Neither DH and I are perfect and we disagree sometimes, but I have never ever have said to anyone that our marriage has problems because I have never considered that it does. I wouldn’t even have said our marriage has had good times and bad times either. So if a friend was discussing marital problems with me a couple of years in, yes I would definitely think there is trouble brewing. And I would be concerned for my friend, why do you refer to that concern your friend obviously has for you as “judging”?

Good point.

And sorry but there's a brief window (as in, same say) for rounding up others to celebrate one's own marriage. Come on.

Have a 10th anniversary party if you must. Until then, celebrate with your husband, privately.

I sympathise OP, my marriage went through a rocky patch following the birth of our first and I was lucky enough to have close friend to listen and support and to give wise counsel - which was basically the first year of a new baby can be a massive change so don't be too quick to make irrevocable decisions. Good advice. Our marriage survived and thrived and I would be deeply hurt if my dear friend considered one rocky patch during a major life change as defining our marriage. Fortunately she has more sense than that and was happy to come to our silver wedding anniversary party.

I think you need to have frank talk with your friend to make it clear that it is not her place to judge your marriage. And never confide in her again - she sounds to quick to rush to simple judgements (like many posters on this thread).

@Ponoka7 you're right that we decide what's worth splitting up over but I think a wedding party is a bit 'fake it til you make it' if you're having marital issues

You have a good friend tbh I would be exactly the same straight up why have a party when you have problems. Not sure why you felt the need to share said friends life when the problems are on your side. And depends who you ask but our marriage can't think of the last time we argued briefly even. You barely have any downs if your a strong couple and communicate and care about each other and know each other so well that one can tell when things need done without being asked etc. I'm lucky very supportive husband 4 great kids 3 are under 2 we spend more time laughing that we probably should and its all one big adventure atm with these wee ones trying to walk and talk.

Work on your marriage and setting boundaries for your husband

You've been married for years, why do you need a party?

I do agree with you. I have a friend who I tell all my woes to and she tells me hers. I do not tell my mother anymore as she got too involved and another friend told someone else who got involved so now I limit what I say to them. I think you should tell her that you have problems like everyone and it was nice to vent to her but that you realise this got her too involved so you won’t any longer. I would explain your reasoning for having the party and all the good points of your marriage and that it would upset you if she isn’t there. She does sound like she’s got sucked into the spiritual world she’s in so maybe you will just have to wait for her to come back down to earth.

This

She sounds like hard work, self-indulgent and judgemental to boot.

That said - if she knows your DH is eg abusive to you or cheating then you can't expect her to sit at a party and cheer for your marriage.

Most posters have said "it depends what the problems are but..."

Since (shorn of the therapy stuff) the reason that the friend has given for not attending is the problems in the OP's marriage, most people are responding that yes, we might bail on a wedding celebration for the same reason.

That said - if she knows your DH is eg abusive to you or cheating then you can't expect her to sit at a party and cheer for your marriage.

She's probably told her stuff that would get her strongly advised to divorce if she posted it here.

Even Without the marital issues I wouldn't want to go to a party to celebrate a two year old wedding
Just seems a complete waste of money. Each to their own but I think your friend has a right to say no, she could have just come up with an excuse nearer the time but was honest with you instead

Agree. Need to know what kind of marital problems to opine on wheather your friend is being unreasonable.

Can you not imagine a reason why someone who got married in, say, January 2021 might want to have a big wedding party with all their friends? I know MN orthodoxy is that big weddings are awful, but some women like them and look forward to them.

She is entitled to set boundaries as are you to feel upset by her response.

I'm curious though what marital problems is she referring too because I would guess this response would reflect some major issues in the marriage?