Friend told me she can't come to my wedding party anymore

[boundariesbetweenfriends]

I have been legally married to my husband for a few years, but we never got to throw the actual party because it had been postponed several times due to Covid. It's planned for later this year.

One of my best friends, who has been on a spiritual journey for the past two years, called me this week to tell me that she doesn't know whether she can attend and be happy for me (reason: because she knows about my marital problems).

Seeing me at the party with my husband would trigger her - something about me not setting boundaries and how she dealt with that problem for her whole life.

She used to have a promising career and a good job but has spent most of the past few years attending spiritual workshops and has been on a journey to find herself. She now wants to become a healer. Also, she is dealing with some issues with her parents.

I now feel that I can't tell friends anything anymore because it will backfire. I guess it's always better to speak to a therapist who will keep everything confidential.

She ruined the safe space I thought we had between us.
I used to tell her everything.

AIBU to think that friends should be able to separate their own issues from mine?

Thoughts?

I am not on a spiritual journey unless it involves single malt whisky. But honestly, I think I might agree with her in some respects. If I had a friend who was telling me that they had marital problems, and then expecting me to attend a party to celebrate the marriage, I think I would find it hard to seperate the two things. It would feel somewhat hypocritical to be trying to look happy and speak to people who are not "in the know" about a wonderful marriage they are celebrating whilst knowing it wasn't true. I am not sure whether I would have just found an excuse not to go, or told the truth (as she has done) but if it were that close a friend, I think I would have told the truth.

Having said that, perhaps you should examine your own values? You seem to thik that her becoming a healer etc etc is somehow below her after having "a promising career" and "a good job". Not everyone measures their own worth or that of others by the status accorded to career, job or income. I'm sure she isn't perfect (who is) but it takes courage and resilience to change your path in life and go against the grain. Her choices wouldn't be ones that I would make. They obviously wouldn't be ones that you would make. But I respect her choices - she sounds very brave; and she sounds like someone who has had the courage to tell you a truth that may be unpalatable but bears some serious consideration. There aren't many friends like that, and I think you are lucky to have one who thinks so much of you that she thinks you deserve the truth.

She sounds a self obsessed prat, but having a party to ‘celebrate’ a bad marriage is ridiculous.

if you think going to a therapist is better because they are confidential then I would guess you did or do have some major marriage problems to even consider that. In that case she doesn’t wanna feel like a hypocrite , standing there all smiles knowing your issues ,if they are still ongoing. I think it’s too late for a party celebration, you’ve been married a few years . No need for it . And all this airy fairy spiritual stuff I just don’t get. But each to their own !

I think that over time you learn what you can & can’t share with people (at least not without unwanted consequences) and maybe this is an example of that lesson. You’ve made your friend sound quite irritating so I’m guessing all this spiritual journey stuff grates on you a bit. It would
on me. But leave her be, it’s neither here nor there whether she comes to your do.

She prob doesn't want to celebrate something that isn't in a position to be celebrated right now. If it was my bf I'd go, but I'd be rolling my eyes internally and thinking wtf.

I don't think there's anything to fall out over but clearly the friendship you have will change. For starters you now have a husband.
I'm unsure what your friends spiritual journey entrails but it's likely to be about personal growth and development and will entail thinking about boundaries. Essentially what's she's saying is she doesn't think your matting is anything worth celebrating. She doesn't want to be a hypocrite.

Accept her rejection with good grace and don't fall out. You may need to distance yourselves from each other for a whole but I wouldn't be surprised if she proves to be a very good friend a few years down the line.

“spititual journey” aside she’s tired of watching you being put through the wringer by him.

Is he a cheat?

I honestly - and unsnarkily - do not know what a spiritual journey entails.

An invitation is simply that: issued to reflect the wishes of the host, and accepted or declined to suit the circumstances of the guest. That's it, job done.

The angst surrounding this simple process - especially when it comes to weddings - escapes me. I wouldn't want anyone attending an event I was hosting under sufferance: who benefits from that?

From the other side, people are far too inclined to give laborious, detailed reasons for their non-attendance and this can cause more problems than it prevents. A simple: 'Regrettably I'm unable to attend but hope you have a wonderful day' is all that's needed. Had your friend simply said this, you wouldn't be posting this thread or chewing over the final details now.

You were not asking for advice as to whether or not you choose to celebrate an unhappy marriage. That's your affair.

These responses are all horribly self righteous.

It's your life, you've decided to host a celebration and as your friend she should go to support you. If she really feels she can't go she doesn't have to, but outlining her reasons to you is selfish, rude and hurtful and honestly means there probably won't be a friendship going forward. I disagree with others, I think it actually shows very poor boundaries on her part. Issues in the Ops marriage are hers to adjudicate, no one else. Very glad there are so many posters here with idyllic conflict-free marriages 🤔

It's a bit odd celebrating a wedding a few years after the wedding at the best of times. I can't imagine planning a do now to celebrate my wedding that happened a few years ago, I'm all honesty, no one cares about my marriage now apart from me and my husband.

Added to that, your friend knows there are issues in your marriage, though you don't state their seriousness, is it any wonder she doesn't want to rock up to celebrate an unhappy marriage?

Is there a reason you didn't say what your marital problems are?

Good on her.

By that logic any wedding reception is self indulgent. You don't NEED a party after. But it's nice to celebrate with friends and family. Covid was different times, people wanted the legal bit done and wanted to celebrate when they could. Even if that's a couple of years later.

How has she ruined your safe space? By not just nodding along with everything you say?

your friend and her spiritual journey are not the issue here.

I liked what another poster said about looking at yourself in the mirror someone else is holding up.

@boundariesbetweenfriends

Do not waste your money on a wedding party save it for your potential divorce

As for "safe space" what a load of nonsense

Has no one ever had a friend who talks about how shit their partner is but gushes about them on social media, for example? And all you can think about is how it's all for show? That's probably where the friend is coming from.

From what you've said your marital problems are not insurmountable with some proper communication and maybe some couples therapy. It sounds like some miscommunication between you and your dh about what you want your relationship to look like and what pattern it's just fallen into. If you feel like you are doing too much then you need to communicate it to him.

Your friend is probably being a but ott here saying she cannot celebrate your marriage unless there is more to it than you've told us. I might inwardly think what she does but would come along anyway. Maybe different I'd there was some abuse or cheating going on, I think I'd find it hard to attend then.

I think you could start another thread to get advice on how to make your marriage more balanced. Also, enjoy your party and let your friend know that you respect her right not to attend. Her line about being triggered suggests it's more about her than you anyway.

If you're going through financial stress, OP, it would be better to save the money you'd spend on a party instead of spending money you don't have. Wanting a party after a wedding is normal, even a year after, max, but years after? It's a bit too late now and doesn't make sense. Don't waste money on a party for a marriage from years ago, especially when you don't have it to waste.

Blimey, people are jumping to quite some conclusions about OP’s ‘marital problems.’ I think the point is that OP confided some stuff (as you do with close friends at times) and now doesn’t feel it was safe to have done so.

My friend has lots of marital problems.

However, we all still meet up and I'm always pleasant to him.

I wouldn't want to stop going to things because he's there. This is the time when she particularly needs me so I wouldn't stop seeing her.

It sounds like the party will be more fun without her.

It's nothing about being too 'new age'. It's nothing about having a 'safe space'.

Your friend is right. Yes all relationships have ups and downs but not to the point where you regularly need friends to lean on in the honeymoon period.