Friend told me she can't come to my wedding party anymore

[boundariesbetweenfriends]

I have been legally married to my husband for a few years, but we never got to throw the actual party because it had been postponed several times due to Covid. It's planned for later this year.

One of my best friends, who has been on a spiritual journey for the past two years, called me this week to tell me that she doesn't know whether she can attend and be happy for me (reason: because she knows about my marital problems).

Seeing me at the party with my husband would trigger her - something about me not setting boundaries and how she dealt with that problem for her whole life.

She used to have a promising career and a good job but has spent most of the past few years attending spiritual workshops and has been on a journey to find herself. She now wants to become a healer. Also, she is dealing with some issues with her parents.

I now feel that I can't tell friends anything anymore because it will backfire. I guess it's always better to speak to a therapist who will keep everything confidential.

She ruined the safe space I thought we had between us.
I used to tell her everything.

AIBU to think that friends should be able to separate their own issues from mine?

Thoughts?

Plus I mean you're married anyway so the damage is done! This is just a party so there is zero reason for her conscience to bother her.

Friendship doesn't mean supporting someone no matter what stupid decisions they make, though.

You can be there for someone without enabling them to do things you disagree with.

Her spiritual journey and issues with her mum are irrelevant. Your marital woes are..what's all that about? Should you be having a party? You're only married 2 years?!

Well I’ve never heard of throwing a party to celebrate the wedding of a marriage that’s already in trouble! If others are aware of your marital issues isn’t it going to be an awkward party?

Do your really want judgey jugerson at your party? Set some boundaries yourself and tell her to fuck off.

It depends how bad your marital problems are, a few callings out but generally stable, fair enough, someone having an affair or being physically/emotionally abusive? Nothing to celebrate there.

*fallings

Nah its fake to go to a party to celebrate a marriage that has issues and probably won't last long. I wouldn't be like WAHOOOO MATE YOU GOT MARRIED (to eg. an abusive Cocklodger who's cheating on you)

Another person who thinks that “safe space” means “everyone doing what I want and never challenging me”.

Well, she’s right -even if she is a bit “woo”. I wouldn’t want to attend a wedding party when I know the “bride” at least is having marital problems. It’s all a bit fake. Unless you mean the marriage problems are in the past and have been dealt with. That would be fine.

I don't think I would go to a "wedding party" for a marriage that I know is in trouble. It feels like a bit off to be having a party at all when there are issues.

I cannot see the point of the party and I would sit there feeing rather cynical about the motivation behind it.

However I wouldn't say that was why I wouldn't be attending, I would just decline as not able to come that day.

Not only that but they've been married for years. I wouldn't spend my precious leisure time attending, either.

Why does having one flaky friend make you think you can't tell any friend anything? People are different, you know.

To be honest I think it is so ridiculous and immature to have a 'wedding party' for a wedding that happened years ago. It sounds like something a silly little teen would do. You're married. Grow up. Get on with your life. And if you are having marital problems, having another wedding is even more batshit and immature. Your marriage doesn't sound stable, and having some little party years after is just insane. Your friend sounds flaky and self-absorbed, but you with your little years post years wedding 'party' sounds like you are quite immature. Neither you or your friend sound like you have a grip on reality. You sound like you are avoiding dealing with your marriage by re-living a wedding from years past. If you think having your little party will solve things in your marriage you're delusional. You have your priorities back to front. Just cancel the childish idea and concentrate on saving your actual marriage.

YABU not to respect her boundaries. I suspect you’re having this party to ‘prove’ to others that you’re a ‘strong’ couple when you’ve already said you’re having difficulties. Seriously OP, if you want this marriage to work then use the money you would have spent on the party on having marriage counselling. Otherwise you’ll be forking out for a sham celebration party and then a divorce on top 🤷‍♀️

Put that money you were going to waste on your little party to a marriage therapist to save the marriage you already have.

She ruined the safe space I thought we had between us.

So a good friend who disagrees with you & is watching your back while sticking yo her own principles is "ruining your safe space"?

How, exactly?
Sounds to me like she is looking out for you.

I'm not remotely spiritual but if friends with a rocky marriage announced a party to celebrate it then I wouldn't be going either, because it's ridiculous.

Why would you want her to be there when she doesn't want to be. It's really hard to see friends make mistakes when you cannot say anything. It's very awkward

This is like those couples who renew their wedding vows. Generally it’s a case of who are you trying to convince?

and even if you were happily married, a wedding party two years after the event is ridiculous.

What are the issues in your Marriage

An invite isn't a summons

Why are you celebrating a marriage that is in trouble

This all hinges on exactly what the martial issues are, OP really needs to expand on that. Occasional tiffs about doing the dishes or normal disagreements, then the friend is being very on her high horse about normal domestic life. If it’s more DV or he’s genuinely a bad partner, then friend is justified staying away.

Bit baffled to see comments saying those who had to cancel their wedding party during Covid shouldn’t have it at all ever. Glad I’m not mates with you miserable lot - we had to postpone our 2020 wedding days after doing the legal paperwork. Still planning to have a party with the £15k of non-refundable deposits, celebrate with loved ones, and finally have an actual wedding date to call our anniversary. It’s called making the best out of a shit situation.

I’d tell her to get fucked with her hippie bullshit. I couldn’t be putting up with any of that nonsense.

*marital, obviously

It depends on your marital problems. Is he not doing his share of the housework or is he violent and abusive towards you? If the latter then I can see her point. Why celebrate a marriage that's not healthy? Her spiritual journey that you're mocking has little to do with it, sounds like she's being a good friend.