Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving my friend's 30th early?

333 replies

doritstew · 11/03/2023 17:53

My friend turned 30 today. A group of 15 of us went for lunch at 2 pm. At 4 pm friend had arranged a party bus that drove us around our home town for an hour. At 5 pm the bus was arranged to go to the nearest city. I didn't fancy it. Number 1 - I was tired after lunch (this happens when I eat and drink), 2 my dogs were at home so needed back for them and 3 I don't like the feeling of it taking a while to get home.

Out of 15 of us, only 5 went to the nearest city. The rest of us got off the bus at the same time. Some were pregnant, some just didn't want to go.

My friend is now giving me a hard time as I am her best friend and she thought I should have made the effort. Bearing in mind she never made my 30th as she was on holiday with her boyfriend. I gave her plenty of notice I wouldn't go to the nearest city. And the 10 of us that never went said multiple times that if she stayed local, we would have stayed out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Singularity82 · 11/03/2023 19:23

doritstew · 11/03/2023 19:03

I could have stayed out for a few hours if we stayed local - takes me 10 minutes to get home. If I'd of went to the nearest city, it would have taken double that.

Show quote history

Double 10 minutes is 20 minutes. That’s not far at all! Piss poor excuse, I feel really sorry for your friend. I do think you owe her an apology.

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/03/2023 19:23

Really don't know why the tide is against you here...

You made it clear that you didn't want to go on the party bus to another city and she agreed it was fine for you to leave early, before that point.

You did attend and you did stay as long as you could.

I don't think it matters WHY you couldn't stay longer or didn't want to, no one is obligated to do something they don't want to do. You did spend time with her and she was aware of the situation far in advance of the actual event.

Shes BU. You are not. Posters wilfully misreading your post are also BU.

NalafromtheLionKing · 11/03/2023 19:26

Oblomov23 · 11/03/2023 18:14

I'd be upset aswell. Your excuses are very weak. But 2-5pm is 3 hours. That's long enough. Out of the original 15, only 5 went past 5pm? Ouch.

Yep, this would sting.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 11/03/2023 19:26

doritstew · 11/03/2023 19:03

I could have stayed out for a few hours if we stayed local - takes me 10 minutes to get home. If I'd of went to the nearest city, it would have taken double that.

Show quote history

10 mins or 20 mins really?! Come on, poor show on you and the others.

diddl · 11/03/2023 19:28

How far is the city?

Would you have stayed much later there plus the drive back?

Just wondering what the difference would have been to going out locally & why that would have been ok?

Surely if you needed to get back for dogs neither would have worked?

Either way you told her in advance that you wouldn't do the evening part.

It's probably as a pp put that most also got off he bus at the same time.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 11/03/2023 19:29

letthemalldoone · 11/03/2023 19:20

Presumably the 'friend' knew that the holiday clashed with the OP's 30th. She didn't seem to mind that?

This! 👆🏼

If op was in the wrong (she wasn’t) then was the friend too.
Even more so, since she was a total no show.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 11/03/2023 19:29

doritstew · 11/03/2023 19:03

I could have stayed out for a few hours if we stayed local - takes me 10 minutes to get home. If I'd of went to the nearest city, it would have taken double that.

Show quote history

So it would take u 20 min to get home?! Poor show for a mates birthday.

Flowerblooms · 11/03/2023 19:29

You are getting a hard time here op and I am struggling to see why. You gave your friend notice that you wouldn’t be able to go out to the city so she knew in advance.

thecatsthecats · 11/03/2023 19:30

RotundBeagle · 11/03/2023 18:37

I agree that you could've planned ahead.

I feel like quite a lot of people nowadays are a bit entitled (speaking generally now) and have this attitude of "I don't have to do anything I don't want to" which they use to justify never putting themselves out in the slightest.

They then seem mightily offended when their friends show the same logic with "Well, I'm not obligated either to keep her as a mate if I don't feel like it."

Tbf, I think that that is a slight correction to the fact that a lot of people put on quite overblown events and expect everyone to merrily toe the line, even if they don't want to/can't afford to.

Lunch, a party bus and an evening out is quite a long commitment IMO.

I'd rather people came along for what they wanted than felt like socials were an endurance event.

jellycakeandicecream · 11/03/2023 19:30

To sum up, you left your ‘best’ friends 30th after three hours as it would take an extra 10 minutes to get home, and you think this is ok because she didn’t attend yours as she was on holiday?

DuvetDownn · 11/03/2023 19:30

I don’t think you were U, I think the birthday girl should have just picked the day or evening for a get together.

Cas112 · 11/03/2023 19:31

I feel like you should have let her know beforehand.

Brefugee · 11/03/2023 19:31

Your excuses are a bit rubbish to be honest.

you don't need an excuse not to do things you don't want to do, in general. I wouldn't have agreed to anything beyond 5pm either, given lunch and booze.

Sobloodysoreandfedup · 11/03/2023 19:32

YANBU

Sounds like my idea of hell.

Whaleandsnail6 · 11/03/2023 19:32

An extra 10 minutes home?! I was thinking you were going to say a couple of hours!

I think you could have put more effort in to stay out for your best friends birthday, when the difference was only an extra 10 minutes in journey. I'm not surprised she feels disappointed.

katepilar · 11/03/2023 19:32

Blimey, I dont get this entitlement. In my world you dont pressure people to do things they dont like or cant do and give them hard time when they dont do them.

Cas112 · 11/03/2023 19:32

20mins to get home and your complaining 😂 I'm with your friend here I think your just looking for a reason to not go

mewkins · 11/03/2023 19:33

anxiouslemons · 11/03/2023 18:32

You said you couldn't stay longer because of your dogs/tired. But also say if she had stayed local you would've stayed longer.

So yea, it seems like you just couldn't be bothered and I'm not surprised she's upset

But if you stay local you can stay for a few more drinks and then leave whenever you want. If you get a bus to a city you are basically there until the bus takes you back again.

Op, did your friend tell you the plan and did everyone agree on it beforehand?

latetothefisting · 11/03/2023 19:34

It all depends on how far in advance you asked her if it was OK you didn't come to the city bit, which others have asked and you haven't answered.

On one hand you shouldnt have to do anything you don't want to do and the bus arpund the home town thing sounds really weird. On the other hand you are presumably around 30 yourself but you're tired at 5pm after eating and drinking and think 20mins is a significant distance....its all a bit lame tbh and just sounds like you are scrabbling for half hearted excuses. If she's your best friend I don't think it would have killed you to at least go for another drink or two in the city-you could still have been home by 7pm!

The fact she was on holiday for your thirtieth is irrelevant- presumably holiday was organised before you sorted your birthday- it would be disproportionate for her to cancel a whole holiday just to come for a party, compared to expecting you to stay out for an hour or two longer.

judesxmumx · 11/03/2023 19:35

YANBU

I find it odd than anyone thinks you are.

Honestly, I would think twice about being friends with someone who didn't respect my boundaries. You didn't want to go (regardless of reasons) and told her in advance. End of story.

ZED55JAX0 · 11/03/2023 19:35

Yanbu if you gave her notice and reason before hand! I can’t see how she can be angry when you have already pre warned her
plus the fact she didn’t celebrate your birthday with you is even more reason why yanbu

ZED55JAX0 · 11/03/2023 19:36

katepilar · 11/03/2023 19:32

Blimey, I dont get this entitlement. In my world you dont pressure people to do things they dont like or cant do and give them hard time when they dont do them.

Absolutely agree with this ^^

MyMumsOnMN · 11/03/2023 19:36

I mean, you can do what you want but the excuse of 20 minutes home instead of 10 is a bit silly. Just say you're not up for it next time.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/03/2023 19:36

Three hours is more than enough for a 30th birthday party. She is being a self-centered diva. People have lives.

CraneBoysMysteries · 11/03/2023 19:36

No idea at all why you're getting such a hard time. Maybe people haven't read your OP properly?

-you have her notice days before that you wouldn't be joining her for the later part of the night. She said this was absolutely fine

-the others that left alongside you also said they'd let her know they wouldn't be joining

-so she knew on the day that most people wouldn't be coming to the city

-she also knew that if she stayed local, more people would attend. But obviously it's her birthday, her choice-but she knew the alternative would yield higher numbers.

-you had lunch a with her and enjoyed a boozy cruise she had booked

-on your birthday, despite knowing the date of it, she booked a holiday with her boyf so didn't even attend

I think all of the above (but especially the fact she had prior notice) means YANBU