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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving my friend's 30th early?

333 replies

doritstew · 11/03/2023 17:53

My friend turned 30 today. A group of 15 of us went for lunch at 2 pm. At 4 pm friend had arranged a party bus that drove us around our home town for an hour. At 5 pm the bus was arranged to go to the nearest city. I didn't fancy it. Number 1 - I was tired after lunch (this happens when I eat and drink), 2 my dogs were at home so needed back for them and 3 I don't like the feeling of it taking a while to get home.

Out of 15 of us, only 5 went to the nearest city. The rest of us got off the bus at the same time. Some were pregnant, some just didn't want to go.

My friend is now giving me a hard time as I am her best friend and she thought I should have made the effort. Bearing in mind she never made my 30th as she was on holiday with her boyfriend. I gave her plenty of notice I wouldn't go to the nearest city. And the 10 of us that never went said multiple times that if she stayed local, we would have stayed out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 11/03/2023 18:57

YANBU- your friend is being a diva. You'd already told her you weren't going to join the trip to the city.

Shamdyhandy · 11/03/2023 19:01

Yeah ‘I didn’t fancy it’ doesn’t really cut it for your best friend’s 30th. Nor does going home at 5pm because you’re tired. If you really were her best friend you’d have sucked it up, put a smile on your face and gone along. Because friends want friends to be happy and not leave their 30th birthday feeling like shit/ sad.

ancientgran · 11/03/2023 19:01

MyMumsOnMN · 11/03/2023 18:37

So you wouldn't stay longer because of the dogs but would have stayed longer if you didn't go anywhere else? It doesn't really make sense. It's your choice what you do whatever you want but she must have expect something else.

If I were you, I would have just said you couldn't be arsed with it all instead of making an excuse up.

I suppose journey time to city and back might have meant she wouldn't have been able to stay in the city, could be an hour each way so 2 hours travelling and that was all the time she had but could have spent those 2 hrs with friend if she was local and OP could just get home easily.

I'm just saying an hour each way as that would be the nearest city for me, could be more or less for OP.

ChickenDried · 11/03/2023 19:03

I'm surprised anyone thinks YABU. You told her in advance you wouldn't be doing the evening/city bit and she said it's fine ? Bit unreasonable of her to suddenly decide to change her mind ! I can completely understand her being upset/embarrassed at 2/3 dropping out of the evening part - and can understand pp saying maybe you leaving gave green light to the others but surely she should see objectively that that wasn't your doing ? You couldn't foresee that the others would bail out or actively encourage it !!
Ffs - YANBU. I wouldn't fancy this party as described either tbh

YukoandHiro · 11/03/2023 19:03

Tbh you should have made the effort. You knew others had extenuating circumstances such as pregnancy so the group would be small, and you still bailed because you were a bit tired and "dogs".
You are not her best friend.

Original poster
doritstew · 11/03/2023 19:03

MyMumsOnMN · 11/03/2023 18:37

So you wouldn't stay longer because of the dogs but would have stayed longer if you didn't go anywhere else? It doesn't really make sense. It's your choice what you do whatever you want but she must have expect something else.

If I were you, I would have just said you couldn't be arsed with it all instead of making an excuse up.

I could have stayed out for a few hours if we stayed local - takes me 10 minutes to get home. If I'd of went to the nearest city, it would have taken double that.

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 11/03/2023 19:06

You needed to get back for your dogs. A good friend would know that. I don't think you were wrong.

Couchpotato3 · 11/03/2023 19:07

You were clear with your friend that you wouldn't be staying for the evening do. Obviously she's annoyed and upset that a lot of people didn't join her for the rest of the evening, but I imagine that a lot of them also had other commitments or just felt that 3 hours for lunch and a bus ride was enough for them. She misjudged this, by the sound of it. She still had her evening out - enough people stayed for her to be in a group and not left alone, but she is having a tantrum because not everyone wanted to fall in with her (frankly-a-bit-tedious-sounding) plans. Let her cool off and then you can decide whether you can be bothered with any more of this drama in future.

MishaBukvic · 11/03/2023 19:07

YANBU. Expecially if she knew beforehand.

id have done the same .
I think lunch and then a night out is too long . Either have a lunch and a few drinks in afternoon, or do a night out. Not both.

IWineAndDontDine · 11/03/2023 19:08

Artemisty · 11/03/2023 18:06

You don't need an excuse other than not wanting to go. You told her beforehand. YANBU

Apart from in the real world where people want to maintain relationships with others

Womencanlift · 11/03/2023 19:10

Yeah you do come across as a bit of a shit friend. It’s her 30th and you have to get back for your dogs? Not exactly showing that you care about her are you

HamBone · 11/03/2023 19:11

She misjudged this, by the sound of it.

This ^^ If two-thirds of the attendees were ready to leave after a long lunch, it wasn’t a popular plan.

Endlesssummer2022 · 11/03/2023 19:11

She messed up by making it a multipart event. Just go to one area and stay there. If the day had started in the nearest city and stayed there she would’ve had more people there until the end.

Andthatstheend · 11/03/2023 19:11

if she’s your best friend then on her 30th you go along with her plans even though they are annoying or inconvenient. Isn’t that exactly what separates best friends from the others- you can rely on them to stick around… when others would bail?

Bunnycat101 · 11/03/2023 19:13

I think she probably misjudged appetite for a big night out following a lunch but I also think you were probably a bit lame (eg 20 minutes to get back isn’t that much) so I’m slightly on the fence. Did she check how keen people were for a full on night before booking the bus?

MrNook · 11/03/2023 19:13

takes me 10 minutes to get home. If I'd of went to the nearest city, it would have taken double that.

So you left cos it would've taken 20 mins to get instead of 10? I thought you were going somewhere about an hour away!

girlladywoman · 11/03/2023 19:14

Everyone is entitled to say no

TheVelvetOnion · 11/03/2023 19:15

To be honest you don't sound like best friends at all. Surely you both make as much effort as you can for each other. I would want my friend to have a great day and I'd make a blooming effort for her, tired or not. She's a prat too for buggering off on holiday and missing your birthday 😉

butterfliedtwo · 11/03/2023 19:15

Artemisty · 11/03/2023 18:06

You don't need an excuse other than not wanting to go. You told her beforehand. YANBU

This.

She's just sulking.

Novatherova · 11/03/2023 19:16

I agree with making an effort for a friends birthday. Esp big birthday.

However I wouldn't have wanted to go to the next city and be worried about how I'm getting home.

Not sure what it's like elsewhere but since covid there's literally no taxis anywhere and uber are rip offs.

You gave her plenty of warning and she said it was OK in the first instance.

Plus it's freezing, snowing and now raining.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2023 19:16

If she’s a best friend then yes, that was poor form on a milestone birthday.

Her being on holiday for yours is neither here nor there.

Apologise.

Portillo · 11/03/2023 19:17

You did 3 hours at best friends birthday?

ChickenDried · 11/03/2023 19:19

Endlesssummer2022 · 11/03/2023 19:11

She messed up by making it a multipart event. Just go to one area and stay there. If the day had started in the nearest city and stayed there she would’ve had more people there until the end.

Even though I sort of see your friends point for a milestone birthday - I totally agree with this

letthemalldoone · 11/03/2023 19:20

Presumably the 'friend' knew that the holiday clashed with the OP's 30th. She didn't seem to mind that?

Newmum0322 · 11/03/2023 19:21

YANBU. You told her in advance, she had no issues at the time, she was away for your birthday celebrations herself, and as your best friend she would have known your birthday before booking! So really not sure she can complain that you didn’t go all out!

She was disappointed that only 5 people went and you’re the scapegoat as her ‘best friend’! Don’t pay it too much notice.