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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving my friend's 30th early?

333 replies

doritstew · 11/03/2023 17:53

My friend turned 30 today. A group of 15 of us went for lunch at 2 pm. At 4 pm friend had arranged a party bus that drove us around our home town for an hour. At 5 pm the bus was arranged to go to the nearest city. I didn't fancy it. Number 1 - I was tired after lunch (this happens when I eat and drink), 2 my dogs were at home so needed back for them and 3 I don't like the feeling of it taking a while to get home.

Out of 15 of us, only 5 went to the nearest city. The rest of us got off the bus at the same time. Some were pregnant, some just didn't want to go.

My friend is now giving me a hard time as I am her best friend and she thought I should have made the effort. Bearing in mind she never made my 30th as she was on holiday with her boyfriend. I gave her plenty of notice I wouldn't go to the nearest city. And the 10 of us that never went said multiple times that if she stayed local, we would have stayed out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Daisyismynameorisnot · 11/03/2023 18:29

Cornelious2011 · 11/03/2023 17:56

You should've told her before what your plans were.You must've known you'd need to leave early because of the dogs? . I'd be disappointed in you if you were my bf.

She did!!

VenusClapTrap · 11/03/2023 18:32

I wonder if you leaving made it seem ok to the others and sparked a flood of leavers. So even though she’d said it was ok beforehand, thinking it would be just you sneaking off, she’s now perhaps blaming you for everyone else bailing.

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 11/03/2023 18:32

VenusClapTrap · 11/03/2023 18:32

I wonder if you leaving made it seem ok to the others and sparked a flood of leavers. So even though she’d said it was ok beforehand, thinking it would be just you sneaking off, she’s now perhaps blaming you for everyone else bailing.

This sounds quite probable.

anxiouslemons · 11/03/2023 18:32

You said you couldn't stay longer because of your dogs/tired. But also say if she had stayed local you would've stayed longer.

So yea, it seems like you just couldn't be bothered and I'm not surprised she's upset

MrNook · 11/03/2023 18:33

VenusClapTrap · 11/03/2023 18:32

I wonder if you leaving made it seem ok to the others and sparked a flood of leavers. So even though she’d said it was ok beforehand, thinking it would be just you sneaking off, she’s now perhaps blaming you for everyone else bailing.

This could be it. 10 people all leaving before the night had even begun would really upset me too

JudgeRudy · 11/03/2023 18:34

I don't think YABU if you had already told her the evening do want for you....however if the others hadn't, and she suddenly found herself with a half 'possie', as a close friend I might have sucked it up to please the birthday girl and stayed on the bus.
If though, most of you had said 'let's keep it local' but she ignored everyone else's wishes, she got the birthday she deserved.

Daisyismynameorisnot · 11/03/2023 18:35

I think you were reasonable. You gave warning and I think your friends expectations of peoples time is too high.

RotundBeagle · 11/03/2023 18:37

I agree that you could've planned ahead.

I feel like quite a lot of people nowadays are a bit entitled (speaking generally now) and have this attitude of "I don't have to do anything I don't want to" which they use to justify never putting themselves out in the slightest.

They then seem mightily offended when their friends show the same logic with "Well, I'm not obligated either to keep her as a mate if I don't feel like it."

MyMumsOnMN · 11/03/2023 18:37

So you wouldn't stay longer because of the dogs but would have stayed longer if you didn't go anywhere else? It doesn't really make sense. It's your choice what you do whatever you want but she must have expect something else.

If I were you, I would have just said you couldn't be arsed with it all instead of making an excuse up.

AnOldCynic · 11/03/2023 18:37

@doritstew No you are not being unreasonable. Just because someone is a friend doesn't mean you have to do something you don't want to. And if they are a friend they would understand.

HamBone · 11/03/2023 18:38

VenusClapTrap · 11/03/2023 18:32

I wonder if you leaving made it seem ok to the others and sparked a flood of leavers. So even though she’d said it was ok beforehand, thinking it would be just you sneaking off, she’s now perhaps blaming you for everyone else bailing.

I agree, @VenusClapTrap , the OP’s getting the blame for two-thirds of the group deciding to leave.

i can understand why your friend is disappointed that so many people left, but YANBU at all. You let her know your plan in advance and she was fine with it.

MyMumsOnMN · 11/03/2023 18:39

MyMumsOnMN · 11/03/2023 18:37

So you wouldn't stay longer because of the dogs but would have stayed longer if you didn't go anywhere else? It doesn't really make sense. It's your choice what you do whatever you want but she must have expect something else.

If I were you, I would have just said you couldn't be arsed with it all instead of making an excuse up.

Just realised one of the sentences I wrote doesn't make much sense 🤣

I meant you can obviously do whatever you want but she clearly expected something else.

Yerroblemom1923 · 11/03/2023 18:41

You could've arranged a dog walker or your partner to sort dogs out, had an espresso and cracked on with the party.
YABU. It's your best mate's birthday, you make an effort even if you're not feeling it.

Shopper727 · 11/03/2023 18:42

I can’t eat a meal and drink either makes me sleepy and then haring along in a bus then another city urgh no thank you but I am 43 now so a bit past it for that kind of night out if I’m honest. She must’ve been a bit fed up. I’d have preferred to stay local but you made up an excuse re dogs when you’d still have been leaving them if you were local.
I’d have sucked it up for her birthday tbh

Snoken · 11/03/2023 18:44

I think it’s fine. If I was invited out to a birthday lunch I would have planned for a lunch and that I’d be home by 4pm. If she wanted everyone there for the evening do she should have invited everyone out to dinner instead. It’s not a wedding, just a birthday.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 11/03/2023 18:45

Poor girl. I’d be so disappointed if most people just abandoned ship when all those things had been planned. Especially if you didn’t tell her ahead of time and ‘just didn’t fancy it’.

Prescottdanni123 · 11/03/2023 18:46

You are getting a bit of a rough time on here. As a dog owner, I understand why you couldn't have left them for too long.

You did the meal and the bus tour, and gave her prior warning that you wouldn't go to the next city. Sounds like she is just disappointed that most of the party members also bailed.

Pollyputthepeleton · 11/03/2023 18:46

gosh, is she married yet? If that’s a 30th celebration dread to think what expectation there will be for a hen do!

KatherineJaneway · 11/03/2023 18:46

Your OP makes it all about you and how you feel, not about your friend's birthday. You should have made the effort in my opinion.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 11/03/2023 18:47

RotundBeagle · 11/03/2023 18:37

I agree that you could've planned ahead.

I feel like quite a lot of people nowadays are a bit entitled (speaking generally now) and have this attitude of "I don't have to do anything I don't want to" which they use to justify never putting themselves out in the slightest.

They then seem mightily offended when their friends show the same logic with "Well, I'm not obligated either to keep her as a mate if I don't feel like it."

Well, I mean, op’s friend would have then be the first one to think she doesn’t have to see any effort.

At least op showed up, three hours is plenty.

Sighdeeply · 11/03/2023 18:48

It isn't odd really it is batshit mumsnet. First lunatic posts and then the asylum members parrot them. You told her you wasn't going beforehand so that is the end of it.

RandomUsernameHere · 11/03/2023 18:50

Being on holiday is obviously a valid excuse for not attending a birthday. You sound like you just couldn't be bothered. I can see why your friend is upset.

LolaSmiles · 11/03/2023 18:51

I'm surprised people think YABU too. I also wouldn't have wanted to go to the nearest city after being out all afternoon. You don't have to go if you don't want to. You told her in advance, you didn't bail at the last minute after making a commitment. I don't see the problem
Agree with this.

Not everyone wants to spent all afternoon drinking and then a party bus and then go off to the nearest city for evening drinks.

I'd not be happy going off to another city knowing that my dogs are at home, it's a bigger commute back, and then I'm either tied into a communal lift home, or would have to take a longer taxi ride home alone to get back from the city that I didn't want to go to in the first place.

Bigfatchips · 11/03/2023 18:52

Yanbu. Lunch out is a fine celebration for a birthday. I'm always amazed how people make a huge thing of their birthdays anyway. You were born and you are still here - congratulations! Then what?

riotlady · 11/03/2023 18:56

It’s a bit rubbish for her, tbh. In contrast my bff stayed out til 10.30 for my hen party and she was 8 months pregnant!